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    auto06's Avatar
    auto06 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 30, 2006, 02:34 PM
    Girl friend
    Hello,

    I am so exhausted and my hopes are dead, I never ever had a girl friend in my life, I feel like a bog wortless loser. I am 24 yrs old and never had a girl. I am not ugly, but okay looking. In HS girls did talk to me, but I stupid idiot I never thought of them as my girlfriends, I just saw them as regular friends. I am sometimes so lonely and afraid of rejection when approaching a girl and I do not at all how to do that. I really feel like killing or suicide myself since I am not capable or it is imposible to have a GF. I am not originally from USA, but came here about 15 yrs ago.. and I personally think that is a good long time to make girl friend(s). I feel so desperate and hopeless sometimes, I am all alone and have no friends from HS since I moved to a new place, I can not even make any friends my life really sucks... I hate it!!
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    May 30, 2006, 02:45 PM
    Of course to have a friend you have to open up and take risks to be a friend.

    Now OK, take a good luck at my photo, while I like to think of myself as a real catch, honestly with one bad eye, overweight and little hair, I would be the one that gets thrown back in most cases.

    But after my wife passed I found something interesting, if you ask enough people out, someone will go out, and if you go out enough, you will find someone that you hit it off with good.

    So if you don't have a girlfriend then you are not asking at least two women a day out. Will you get turned down 99 percent of the time, of course, even Mr Universe will get turned down some.

    I dated a proir Miss Florida, a scientist that worked on stem cell reserch,
    And some not so great a lady who had a secret girl friend and a lady who was into witch craft ( not great if you are a priest)

    I found a great lady finally, a wonderful professional musican who was a college cheer leader.

    So I don't care if you have no arms, limp and studder, you can and will find someone if you keep looking.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #3

    May 30, 2006, 02:45 PM
    First of all, do not go the suicide route!! Where do you go to meet people? Are you shy or outgoing? What is your age? Do you have any friends at all, other than girls?

    I hate to answer questions with questions, but things like where you go to meet make all the difference in the world when it comes to my answers.

    Life is kind of funny sometimes, it takes twists and turns that eventaully work out for the best, and mostly happiest.

    You will get some really fantastic answers here, just keep your mind open to all of the suggestions, this is a great forum with a lot of great people who have experience beyond belief.
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
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    #4

    May 30, 2006, 02:56 PM
    I think you might be so upset that you're not thinking rationally.
    Please don't do anything extreme until you've sat down and thought through what you can do to help yourself.

    Can I ask what you do beyond just "thinking" about why you have no girlfriend or other friends right now?

    You might consider joining some social or community group - A bowling league. A gaming club. A church group. Maybe an ethnic club. Whatever interest you. Just something that puts you in a position to meet people - face to face - and talk.

    When you see someone, you simply walk up to them, smile, and say "Hi! I'm (your name here). I just moved to (new place) from (last place). I don't know anybody yet, so... nice to meet you!"

    Yes - some people will give you a funny look, but you'll be surprised at how many people will then engage you in a conversation. Make sure you have things to talk about... What you do, stories from school, interesting things you've read on the Internet...

    After doing this a number of times, you'll get to know a few people... and pretty quickly you'll have friends. And once you have friends to support you, you'll be less nervous and able to approach women and introduce yourself. And pretty soon, you'll be dating.

    Trust me - You can do this.
    I was much like you. I never dated until nearly the end of college. After graduating, I moved across the country... and I was still pretty nervous and awkward.

    You're still young, and you have the means to do so much for yourself! Don't sell yourself short.
    Stop dwelling on what you can't do. Think about what you can do, and get those ideas flowing! :)
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #5

    May 30, 2006, 03:04 PM
    If you have serious thoughts about suicide, please please call a crisis line (in the front of your phone directory) and talk to someone on the phone fast!

    If not, please talk less dramatically about the problem since its confusing otherwise. You may need to help yourself first. Once that is solved, then come the friends and girls to ask out on dates. So first things first.

    If you are serious about wanting to change how your life is...
    My suggestion is to make a list of six things you think you need to work on about you. It cannot include feelings like "I feel so hopeless or clumsy around girls" but instead it has to be REAL things instead like "I am really clumsiness around girls". It cannot include things you haven't done yet either since those are, well, just things you haven't done yet and that's another list all together (called a wish list!).

    Next, show someone you trust this list or if you want you can post it here. Let them help you determine which points are really valid. My guess is that some won't be valid. Some will probably be just your negaitve way you look at yourself, making things a problem when they aren't. We'll see. . okay?

    After you have determining the ones that are for real (if any are left!), I will suggest you write a plan of action next to each one. Again if you need someone to look the plans over to help determine if they are realistic, please do so. We can help there too.

    Then one by one you get busy conquoring them. Honestly, as if by magic, the friends appear and you begin to meet girls to ask on dates since people are attracted to people with confidence and by then you'll have acquired a big dose of it very legitimately!

    This may seem like a tall order but just do it one thing at a time. Its your life and you need to take responsibility for it. This is one way to do that amd I hope it helps.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #6

    May 30, 2006, 03:39 PM
    Ok, Dude - TIME to get this part of your life in order... no friendly 'nice guy'.

    Here are some websites to help you out initially. Great sites. You will learn a ton. There are right ways and wrongs ways to deal with this stuff, you happened to do it the wrong way until now.

    www.askmen.com - read EVERY article on dating/relationships. Ok?

    www.sosuave.com - read every article

    www.doubleyourdating.com - sign up for the e-mail. Buy the book!! David will set you straight as to what is really going on.
    BCFC's Avatar
    BCFC Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    May 30, 2006, 04:51 PM
    Same here I've never had a girlfriend but I don't really want one after what most people go through - one of my mates had a g/f for 3 weeks, told her pratically everything about him then she goes and tells everyone when they split up! I am quite shy around people I don't know.I don't know how to explain it really. Basically I know somebody his kid added me to msn. I don't fancy her or anything she is my age I just like her as like mates. I had seen her before like just passing when we hadn't added each other. I know who she as as she has a pic on myspace etc and she knows me because her dad pointed me out. So we just like walked passed each other a few times not knowing/speaking. Since I added her to msn I have seen her one and I just couldn't like speak. On msn I could just start up a chat or anything and speak because the main reason I use it is because its not face to face chat so I find it easier to talk. When I actually see her though its like

    Her: hi
    Me: hi you alrite
    Her: yea thanks you?
    Me: yea thanks

    Then there was just like a gap where no one said anything and then we both had to go.

    Its not that I want her as a g/f or anything I just want to like be able to talk to her like a mate - we don't go to same school so I see her once or twice a week plus speak on msn. Because she seems really nice and genuiene andlike caring etc which I can be on msn its just hard in person to do. Is anyone else like this or is there anything I can do to like get over it?

    Thanks for your help

    And sorry for repeating myself I just wanted to like make the point so its easier to understand (I hope!)
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #8

    May 30, 2006, 05:17 PM
    Wow, never mind what I posted before, holy smokes! You need Conversation 101 here and fast.

    Talking is about sharing information, first they do it, then you do it. The shy do it slower than the outgoing ones and that is perfectly okay, okay?
    You begin by sharing at a not so personal level, like how's the weather or did you see that TV show _______? Then at a pace you are comfortable with, over time you work toward more and more personal information. Again over time. Pacing each other, learning each other, over time.

    If the conversation stalls like it did in your example, you quick think up a question, just make sure it fits the level you are at. If you can't think up a good question, think up a silly one or an obviously riduculous one - its called an ice breaker.

    If you need to, make yourself a list of these (I am big on lists, can you tell? ) and if you just can't think of a single one, ask for some here. We'll put our thinking caps on!

    Before you know it the conversation will flow. Just be sure to build trust slowly and on stuff you both hear and experience from the person (what they say needs to mostly match what they do).

    All relationships are a risk of some sort, including the one with your cat (oh sorry, I digress) but my point is that your friend has so admirably proved that the worst thing (though not desirable) is still a survivable event!

    Have a go at making conversation with anyone anytime you feel your courage rising to the occasional - I call those windows of opportunity, where I am more brave than usual (I was shy too, believe it or not). You need the practice so don't pass up an opportunity like that. Smile and say hello, see what happens... might be good fun in the long run.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,306, Reputation: 10854
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    #9

    Jun 1, 2006, 08:43 AM
    Don't just sit around and isolate yourself with your own thoughts. Join a group or volunteer at a charity or church function. Getting out among people will go a long way in improving your social skill and meeting cool people. You need action not words and your confidence will improve greatly if you get out into this BIG ole world full of people!:cool: ;)
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #10

    Jun 1, 2006, 08:46 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by BCFC
    Same here iv never had a girlfriend but i dont really want one after what most people go through - one of my mates had a g/f for 3 weeks, told her pratically everything about him then she goes and tells everyone when they split up!. I am quite shy around people i dont know.i dont know how to explain it really. basically i know somebody his kid added me to msn. i dont fancy her or anything she is my age i just like her as like mates. i had seen her before like just passing when we hadnt added each other. i know who she as as she has a pic on myspace etc and she knows me because her dad pointed me out. so we just like walked passed each other a few times not knowing/speaking. since i added her to msn i have seen her one and i just couldnt like speak. on msn i could just start up a chat or anything and speak because the main reason i use it is because its not face to face chat so i find it easier to talk. when i actually see her though its like

    her: hi
    me: hi you alrite
    her: yea thanks you?
    me: yea thanks

    then there was just like a gap where no1 said anything and then we both had to go.

    its not that i want her as a g/f or anything i just want to like be able to talk to her like a mate - we dont go to same school so i see her once or twice a week plus speak on msn. because she seems really nice and genuiene andlike caring etc which i can be on msn its just hard in person to do. is anyone else like this or is there anything i can do to like get over it?

    thanks for your help

    and sorry for repeating myself i just wanted to like make the point so its easier to understand (i hope!)
    Carry on the conversation buy asking her if she wants to go for a coffee. The trick is to ask loads of questions.
    Ask if she works, studies, where is she from, ask about music, lifestyle, hobbies...
    Asking questions always shows your interested and that way it will keep the conversation flowing.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #11

    Jun 3, 2006, 03:45 AM
    RickJ another thread I'm subscribed to and its not appearing on my profile
    BCFC's Avatar
    BCFC Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 3, 2006, 04:05 PM
    Cheers krs thing is we have said all that on msn that's what makes it harder in person because I know about her hobbies etc etc so it would look silly asking again. Only way I thought of is not go on msn for a while - block her or something - then when I see herwe got something to talk about like what have you been up to since last week etc. but I think MSN is a good way for us to improve and like know each other more. I had a 3 hour conversation on MSN yesterday with her that helped me get to know her but it always seems she is asking the questions and trying to arrange to meet up at different times etc
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #13

    Jun 4, 2006, 02:19 AM
    Suicide is stupid and selfish. Crying for attention by saying you want to kill yourself will not get you that attention. As far as not having a girlfriend, if you went this long without one, what is the big deal in having one now. Just because others might have them does not mean everybody needs one. Like others have said, sometimes having a girlfriend is very stressful and you would wish maybe times you did not have one. As far as life. Life is strange sometimes. I never thought I myself would have a serious girlfriend or ever get married or ever have children. I got married when I was 27. I am going to have a child soon. So PATIENCE is very important. WHEN YOU ARE SEARCHING AND SEARCHING AND NOT HAVING ANY LUCK, Guess what. The BEST Experience AND THE BEST TIME IS WHEN YOU ARE NOT SEARCHING, WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, WHEN YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. LIKE VOLUNTEERING, OR GOING OUT OR GOING TO COMMUNITY EVENTS. WHEN YOU STOP SEARCHING SO HARD. IT WILL COME AND HIT YOU LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. That is when you could meet somebody. Please Please do not base your whole life on something you do not have right now. Think about the things you do have.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #14

    Jun 4, 2006, 05:26 AM
    Hi, Auto,
    You have some good answers.
    If you don't Smile very much, have you considered trying to change some attitudes?
    When you meet someone, Anyone, SMILE. A Smile shows you like yourself, and others will like you, too. Always listen to them, don't talk about yourself.
    You can make more friends in a month by listening to them, than you can in a year, having them listen to you.
    If they ask about you, Then talk about yourself.
    Most women like a man who listens! And Smiles at the same time!
    Best of luck.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #15

    Jun 5, 2006, 01:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by BCFC
    cheers krs thing is we have said all that on msn thats what makes it harder in person because i know about her hobbies etc etc so it would look silly asking again. only way i thought of is not go on msn for a while - block her or something - then when i see herwe got something to talk about like what have you been up to since last week etc. but i think MSN is a good way for us to improve and like know each other more. I had a 3 hour convo on MSN yesterday with her that helped me get to know her but it always seems she is asking the questions and trying to arrange to meet up at different times etc
    I agree that MSN is a very good way to interact with people, but getting to know the good old fashioned way is best!
    Eye contact ;)
    Leo7's Avatar
    Leo7 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Aug 30, 2006, 03:35 AM
    Auto06

    Girl Friend

    I know moving to a new area far away is going to dramatically make you not see your old school buddies but you should at least try see them once every three months because they know you and your real personality maybe but at least you macked around with them and yes we maybe not all the same after leaving school at least they know you that's if you made a dent with them if you did not make a dent (being silly with them) well its going to be a bit difficult but you should at least try and act normally when you act silly don't pretend because people can sense it and they won't like you. You should go back to see them and connect you up with other friends of there's but you should accept it if your friends friend won't want to spill out with you and good luck.
    dylan20's Avatar
    dylan20 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jun 20, 2011, 05:01 PM
    I can relate to this but you can't be depressed. Don't feel fear. Girls like a man with confidence. No girl wants a guy who is afraid or scared to talk to them. So go for it if they say no then it wasn't meant to be. You need to believe in yourself when you do that you will start to see results.

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