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    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Sep 20, 2006, 09:18 PM
    My Girl is Asking For Space
    Me and my girl have been together for a year and one month. Everything was swell until a few weeks ago. She started acting weird. She never wanted to be on the phone any more, she stopped coming over and just invited me to spend the night a few time (we are still young, I'm 16 she is 17). Ive known her since younger, and she had previously went out with this guy who abused her, in Middleschool 8th grade woa. I went out with her in 7th grade but dumped her because I had lovey feelings starting. Well in 10th grade summer she called me, we always talked, and here we are a year later. Are relationship has been something people have envied to see how much love their was. I treated her how she wanted to be treated, different from that guy in 8th grade. I treat her so good, maybe too good. Well a few days ago she asked me for time apart, confused I had no comment, and finally gave in yesterday. Some please help talk to me, I cannot think, I have given her space, but I don't want this space to push her from ME, and pull her to someone else. Today is the first day I went without calling her. She told me to come over Thursday night and spend the night so we can talk. What do I do? Some one please help me through this, give me advice guide me so that I can almost assure to keep her. :(
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #2

    Sep 20, 2006, 10:39 PM
    You like her and that's great.

    She wants room. That sucks.

    If you want to be a doormat, cling.

    If you want to have a girlfriend who cares, back off.

    There is NO WAY to make her do anything. Back away, let her feel what its like to be without you. If she needs you back, shell come. If she doesn't come back, she doesn't need you and you can't "fix" that. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Most of us here have had a first love, second love, third love... etc. you always want it to work out and are always surprised when it doesn't.

    And its good that you treat her well... but don't break your back trying to please her. She needs to do some work here too.

    So... sucks to be you. I've been there too. Really. Be better than I was. Don't make a fool of yourself chasing after someone. That only means you want them more than they want you.

    So like I said, if you want a girlfriend who cares, back off. If she doesn't come back, go find another one who does care.
    ilovcali's Avatar
    ilovcali Posts: 206, Reputation: 85
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    #3

    Sep 20, 2006, 11:01 PM
    When someone leaves YOU, THEY have to come back. There's nothing you can do. One of the nasty things life teaches you. Sucks because something that is such a big part of your life is not something YOU have any control over.

    You can't control her, but you have control over yourself. It sucks dude, no way around that. But stay away from her if you EVER want her back. There's not a thing you can do to make it happen.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #4

    Sep 21, 2006, 01:15 AM
    Give her space and no matter what anybody says to you try not to talk about her. Don't give anybody the impression you miss her. Don't give anybody the impression your bitter. If you have to come here and poor you heart out do it. We've been there. But the reality is your still in high school. You can't understand this now so I'm not going to preach it to you but high school isn't real life. I think you may have a few more girlfriends in your future.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,288, Reputation: 10853
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    #5

    Sep 21, 2006, 06:05 AM
    Give her what she wants and back-off. We all think that we are so perfect to someone else and are shocked that they see things differently. If your life is balanced properly you have many things you enjoy doing without her and now is the time to do them. No one can make someone love them or stay with them nor would you want to. It looks bad now, but you'll have a lot of girlfriends in the future.
    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #6

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:06 AM
    But that's the thing, I don't have a lot of things going for me in my life. I work, I rap, and once in a while I go with the guys for "a guys night out" of probably video games and a mini party. The reason I might be so much in love with her is because it hurt me so bad to see her when she was earlier going through what she went through, and I always said if I had a chance than I would take it and never let it go. I don't have a big family, I USED to, but everybody moved out. Only my big brother remains and he's always at his girlfriends house (theyve been together for two years) so no one is ever here I live with my grandparents. Just 3 people to a house is pretty lonely, so maybe that's why we spent so muh time together, but its not like I ever forced her to see me. It just sucks because I don't receive a lot of love in my life from people around me, grandparents are sick, brother never there, father in Miami and barely calls, so the only love I got is from her. The thing is that I don't want to find another girl, she treated me as I wanted to be treated, she UNDERSTOOD me as well a I did her, its not a problem with sex, because that was great to both of us (I gave her her first orgasm, go me lol) so I ask, why the suddden change? Might they're be another boy in her life?
    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #7

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:10 AM
    Maybe she wants something New,the types of guys she likes won't be good too her, is they're a way to get her to realize that she might find something newbut not better
    Gillion's Avatar
    Gillion Posts: 52, Reputation: 17
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    #8

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Time Apart
    maybe she wants something New,the types of guys she likes wont be good too her, is theyre a way to get her to realize that she might find something newbut not better
    You are being arrogant right there by assumin she is going to **** up her life and make the mistake of "finding something new but not better"

    Leave her alone.

    The best thing you can do is to give her what she wants and be a MAN about it. And by this I mean having some control over your emotions and desires. You need to be distracted. You have too much time to think about her.

    Leave her to do what she wants.

    Chasing a woman who wants space is not exactly a wise thing to do it will only make you degrade yourself and be seen as needy.

    If you really love her, you will let her go and find out whatever it is she wants to find out. She may come bac, she may not... it is up to HER. That is HER choice. Trying to make her "realize" anything is just a form of possesivness which can devolve into one of those sick pathetic parasitic relationships.

    LEAVE HER TO DO AS SHE WANTS

    Take the time to have some fun for yourself.
    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #9

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:33 AM
    Thanks
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #10

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Time Apart
    But thats the thing, i dont have alot of things going for me in my life....

    ...it just sucks becuase i dont recieve alot of love in my life from people around me, grandparents are sick, brother never there, father in Miami and barely calls, so the only love i got is from her. the thing is that i dont want to find another girl, she treated me as i wanted to be treated, she UNDERSTOOD me as well a i did her...
    Well, here's the thing. You do have a few things going for yo, you just are too deep in the middle of a mess to figure it out right now.

    First. You are young. You have time. Time to get your head straight. Figure things out. I'm not saying someone cannot find a great person when they are young and maybe build a great life with that person. But most of the time you have a first serious relationship, followed somewhere by the first serious breakup, first serious heartache, followed eventually by the next serious relationship at some point. This stuff happens to everybody. Happened to me after I dated my first serious HS girlfriend for 6 years! 2 yrs HS, 4 college, then boom. Over. Sucked like hell. We talked about marriage, where wed live, she was my first, I was hers. The works. The "problem" with younger, serious relationships is that you are still growing mentally and what you want and who you want at 16 may not be the same at 19 or 23 or 28.

    This does nothing to make you feel better, I know. But you have some things going for you. Being young is one.

    Second, you have something going for you that can also hinder you if you are not careful. Some of your post reminds me of me. That first girlfriend I dated, I treated her like a princess. I was kind and thoughtful and made her day better. I worked on that relationship and was proud of it.

    The thing you have going for you is you aren't a clueless guy, completely. You found ways to treat her well. Great job. Some guys never figure that out. This means you might be better off than a lot of others in later relationships.

    The hindrance part of this I mentioned is that, while its great you were able to figure out how to treat her well, you might have overdone it. The relationship should never be you about being a butler. If you make it too easy or all about pleasing her, well a lot of times it can fall apart. Sounds wacked, but a lot of people want more of a challenge. One girl I dated I know broke up with me because I was "too there" for her. I thought I was being nice. She thought I was too much like a girlfriend.

    I know. Its confusing. You need to be able to connect and you need to be able to not live your life wrapped around the relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Time Apart
    might theyre be another boy in her life?
    There might be. There are also boys all around her, every day. And when you are young, you have time to try different things out. Its normal. Its natural. Its against what you want, but really... is a common thing when you are young and figuring things out to sometimes take some risks. She's giving up something that is strong and comfortable because she can. She had time to make mistakes and explore and that part of living.

    Like I said, I've been where you are in many ways. And felt some of the same things you described. And lived through some of the same things (divorced home, no father figure, only kid in the house). I can tell you I never had the same relationship with any other girl. There are things you feel in that first big love that may never be duplicated the same way again.

    That's OK. You are not supposed to do the same relationship over again. After two more serious, earth moving relationships that also crashed and burned, I found one that lasted. Now married 6 years.

    I can tell you that you sometimes have to go through some crap to get to this place. But if I could go back and be with that first love, I never would.

    You need to not define happiness as with her. She's not the answer. She's just a part of the answer that you are going to have to discover over time, with other girls and other relationships.
    Here_To_Help- Jon's Avatar
    Here_To_Help- Jon Posts: 97, Reputation: 26
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    #11

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:41 AM
    All of the questions you are asking here she be posed to HER. Why the sudden change, what's going on, what is all of this about and where do you see it going. Once you get answers to those - you should be able to handle the situation a little bit better. I would not spend the night with her to "talk" - that will only cloud the issues. Get some answers first and then see what's what... jonB
    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #12

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:53 AM
    But see, me as a boyfriend, was never really a boyfriend, before her I couldn't care less. A "player" you could say. Never thought about being in love because I never wanted to trust someone with my heart, my father trusted my mother, my mother cheated while she was pregnant with me for their problems, and he left a little after I was born. So I had a hard time trusting girls, CHEATING is a reason I don't have a father in my life, TRUST is one of the factors. I never wanted to end up like him, it is something too harsh, just the though of trusting someone with your love, and they hide it for 10 minute of sex. So I never trusted nor cared for a girl. But this one, she was special to me when I first met her, when I first dated her, we had PUPPY love I guess, and so I dumoed her before any more feelings occurred, I was WAY TOO young, I'm young now but more back then, but I decided to go back with her, and feelings were stronger. I believe I did do something to cause this though, maybe not so serious of how she is acting though. I never wanted her on the phone with this one boy that I didn't like, he tried to get with her earlier in our relationship, and it seemed like she cut him off, till I saw his number in her cell phone. I didn't yell at her, but I let her know I didn't like it, and she had no problem with it. But when we were together, he'd always call, and shed always tell him, I can't talk right now, and I would tell her, why don't you just tell him to stop calling? And after that went on I would get upset with it, because that's like the only thing I asked her for. Is that a push? Or what? Also, how can I tell if this "BREAK" would push her from me? That no contact rule, seems like it would just push her from me, and pull her to someone else when she is feeling this way. The thing that hurts me so much is, that everything was all good... just a week ago
    P.S. she wants me to come spend the night tonight, what to I tell her, if I do go, what do I say to her?
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #13

    Sep 21, 2006, 07:58 AM
    It may be another guy, and then again maybe not. In either case, you can't worry about what you can't control, and believe me, the last hing you want to do is become controlling. Give her the space she asked for. If you really care about her feelings, and not just yours, give her what she asked for. I know it will be hard for you. Its sad that you feel you have no one in your life and you feel lonely without her, it shouldn't be that way. You are a young person with your whole life ahead of you. School should be your main focus right now, not her, not any . You owe it to yourself to give yourself the best possible opportunity in life you can, and education is a good way to do that. Think of it this way, if things did work out for the two of you, and you grow up and get married in 10 years, what will you have to offer her? Your children? Get a good education, a good job, and that will give you a good start in life.

    You are coming off a little self centered though. A good fix for that would be to volunteer your extra time with people who really need you. I know you are under age, but there are lots of organizations that could really use your help. Reading to the elderly or sick people, working in soup kitchen, being a big brother to someone who literally has no one. All of these things will give you the opportunity to make someone feel very special, not to mention make you feel genuinely good about yourself. Giving to others is a great way to get your mind off your own problems and reminds you that there is always someone out there worse off than you.

    Give her the space, she needs it right now. I'm not telling you to sit around and wait for her, just get busy. Use your time in a positive way. Don't call, email, text, write or show up at her house. If she wants to talk, let her call you or come to your house. Don't sleep over there anymore, at your age the last thing you want to do is risk a pregnancy that neither of you are prepared for. Remember, it's her body and if she got pregnant and decided to not go through with the pregnancy, there is nothing you can do to keep her from terminating the pregnancy. That would make you feel pretty crappy, so just avoid it, please.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #14

    Sep 21, 2006, 08:09 AM
    Yep, leave her alone - TRUST ME!! No calls for while, don't go see her.

    She wants to 'talk' most like to break and give her alibi. When girls say - "we need to talK" - RUN! If you wait a while before the talk... she may change her mind.

    SEE: usually women need space when you SMOTHER then - you're always there, you're always calling them.

    YOU NEED TO LEARN TO BUSY DOING OTHER STUFF. She has life - you need a life.

    Start working oput and playing sports.

    She doesn't want you there all the time - especially as she gets older.

    She is only part of your life - not your life.

    I have a saying while dating: LESS IS MORE!! Give less of yourself - see her less... she will want MORE!!
    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #15

    Sep 21, 2006, 08:16 AM
    Tank You, but I don't get her, she called me and told me she really wants me to come over so she can explain how she feels, and get some answers out. The phone thing doesn't really work other wise I'd just be on the phone, gramma cuts the phone at 10 lol, I don't get out of work till 8, she doesn't till 9, that gives us less than an hour, way less than an hour. So, what should I do, should I respect the fact she want me to go, or just stay and sleep home, lol, thank you mom in cali, but we usually don't have sex when I sleep over unless she really wants it, because her mothers room is right next door.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #16

    Sep 21, 2006, 08:31 AM
    Well, I wouldn't go... give the space.

    But I a bet you go.

    Be prepared for anything. I smell a break up talk.

    Maybe others can help out with this.

    Id say - "Ok, what ever you want" "Bye" - and leave immediately without another word.

    But, she may have other things to talk about.
    ilovcali's Avatar
    ilovcali Posts: 206, Reputation: 85
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    #17

    Sep 21, 2006, 08:34 AM
    You work, you rap, and you go to school too right? Dude, that's a lot of stuff. Music is a great hobby, and one that can consume you. You need to find other things that consume you.

    And trust me, this will hopefully be the first and last this happens to you, but most likely not. And it's a great lesson to learn at 16.

    And dude, lots of guys are "players" until they meet someone who knocks them off their feet. That's how it works. I have dated many girls, but only loved 3. And my most recent break was the toughest, and I'm almost 30.

    Happens to best, the brightest, the strongest, the toughest guys. If James Bond were a real person, someone would have broken his heart too. That's how the world is.
    Time Apart's Avatar
    Time Apart Posts: 44, Reputation: 0
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    #18

    Sep 21, 2006, 08:38 AM
    If James Bond were a real person, someone would have broken his heart too. That's how the world is.
    Thanks man, I needed a laugh. But I want to try the no contact rule, but she's different, she would like it for like a day or two, but would start to miss me, or think about how I feel, I just want this go go away, not go away come back, go away come back feeling, deal with it, I don't know, I just have to find out those answers that I asked questions to
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #19

    Sep 21, 2006, 08:44 AM
    You want them to miss you.

    Get busy with other things in your life.
    Gillion's Avatar
    Gillion Posts: 52, Reputation: 17
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    #20

    Sep 21, 2006, 09:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Time Apart
    Tank You, but i dont get her, she called me and told me she really wants me to come over so she can explain how she feels, and get some answers out. the phone thing doesnt really work other wise i'd just be on the phone, gramma cuts the phone at 10 lol, i dont get out of work till 8, she doesnt till 9, that gives us less than an hour, way less than an hour. So, what should i do, should i respect the fact she want me to go, or just stay and sleep home, lol, thank you mom in cali, but we usualy dont have sex when i sleep over unless she really wants it, becuase her mothers room is right next door.
    Tell her to write down what she has to say to you in a nice love letter since you never got one of those before and you would really appreciate it.

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