Hello,

I'd like to share my story and ask for some support. I had this amazing girlfriend, I still think of her as the most gorgeous, pure, amazing individual I have ever known. Well the last year has been a little rough, she has some insecurity issues and we fought because of that. Now I have never actually been attracted to another girl, so I was always able to soothe her worries. I was always there for her, always made time when she wanted it, helped whenever I could, cooked her food, treats while she studied, flowers at least once a month, and told her I love her every day.

For years we said we'd live forever together. Then recently she says she wants to be her own person, doesn't want to date anymore. The very next day she went to a party, and made out with a guy there. She called me to pick her up and she stayed at my house, she was drunk when I picked her up and I took care of her all night. In the morning she had sex with me. Then she told me what she had done. I was upset but forgave her. She promised that the break up was not to meet guys, not to be with someone else. She says she thinks I am the best guy out there and wants to marry me and have a family still. She told me that guy meant nothing.

Then two months later, I find out that she has been hanging out with this guy, helping him with homework. I got really upset, because we had still been hanging out, kissing, she would say she loved me, missed me, we cuddled and slept over still. I felt she was just feeling it was too committed and just wanted some breathing room. So finding out she was hanging out with this guy really hurt me. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and figured it was just because she was too nice to turn down helping someone. She promised that they hadn't done anything other than that one kiss. So I took her on a wine tasting weekend in Niagara Falls.

Then one month after that, I was making some graphs for her lab report, I went into her email to get the data sheet, I stumbled upon a couple emails to this guy addressed two days ago saying "You owe me lotsssss of kissessss". I confront her about this and she says that they have been flirting and kiss each other a lot since the party. But he means nothing they are just friends and just having fun.

I don't know what to do. I really wanted a future with this girl, she is honestly the girl of my dreams. But I think she has gone too far in abusing my trust. I asked her straight up if they had done anything more than that one kiss, she said no, and it was a big lie.

I asked her if she wants to sleep with other guys, kiss, or be intimate with them, she says its not want she's after but if it comes up she doesn't want to feel like she cant. She has been going to a lot of parties and never tells me what she's doing when I just text like what's up.

I'm thinking I have to go NC, but that will be so hard, we have seen each other everyday for three years, except for like a couple days. And talked every day. I have never been this close to anyone, we have so many memories. It's a bad time for me as all my friends are gone for the term on coop. I don't have many people for support.

Well this was very long winded, I appreciate anyone who made it through.

Should I let things go, we were broken up when she did it... but she also said she wouldn't do something like that, but did anyway. And it never really felt like we were broken up, just felt like we weren't officially together.

You know, deep down, that what she did was wrong and disrespectful. It caught my attention that when you first described her, you used the word "pure" as one of her qualities.

If she was so perfect and everything was fine as you said, if you forgave her and were ready to get over it, you wouldn't be here.
We've all been there at some point. The value of a relationship equals the effort you put in it for most people. The real value of a girlfriend should be about how much she makes you happy and how much she respects you.

The "but we were on a break" thing is a lie as long as you still see each other and act like you were together - without the titles - a real break, if you really want to use it to fix your relationship, means some alone time, to think and decide if you are ready.

If you want to use the break excuse to make out with guys/girls at parties and use your ex to help you with your homework, be your emotional tampon or occasional booty call, then I'm sorry to break it off, but you sir are being used until she meets someone else; or worse, until she has her cake and eats it too, then comes to you to marry you and have a family. Would you be comfortable with that? I wouldn't.

She said she wanted to break up. Let her. She wants freedom but keep a teether line out there for you.
You are not going to be able to handle what she does as an unattached girl and it's none of your business, so go NC.
You need to get over her and that won't happen if you are hanging out and you are worrying about what she is doing.

Yes, that is what I am afraid of. I have always felt I have put all the effort into the relationship. She is the first girlfriend I have ever had, and really the first person I have been close to. But I feel like she is wanting to go out and party, and enjoy the single life, then when she's done settle down with me.

It scares me to think of life without her, and that's why I keep going back to her. I do love her so much, but I believe the way she has been acting are signs that she may not love me the same way.

I keep asking myself what about me is not good enough, why when I'm available and showering her with love, she would turn to someone else and makeout with them. She tells me there is nothing wrong with me, she says I'm perfect. There must be something about me that has pushed her away, made her want to throw away everything we had for some "alone" time.

Ive never met anyone I can talk to like her, or anyone I have been attracted to like I am to her. I am afraid if I give up on it, I may never find anyone else. I have always gotten comments about how great a boyfriend I am from people, I wish she could see it.

It is scary thinking of losing her, but it is so painful sitting thinking that at that very moment she could be kissing another guy, or worse as she refuses to rule out that possibility. I want to make sure I'm not over reacting by telling her I can't be friends with her while she is doing that, and probably won't be able to take her back.

Its just so hard. I haven't been able to eat a thing in over a week, I feel like my heart is constantly going a mile a minute. I want to let go, they say if you let go, and they never come back then they were never going to be yours. Its very hard. She always had such a stance against cheating, or making out with randoms, would scold other girls for it. Now I feel like she cheated, but she doesn't feel bad, because she had said we were broken up.

Thank you for reading this, I think I know what I have to do but am in denial, wishing the future I dreamed of with her could happen.

Thank you. Support helps, I feel so alone right now, I don't have much family, and my friends are away. I don't know who to talk to.

There is nothing wrong with you, you two are just not for each other.
It will hurt for a time but you will get past this. It starts with NC. Stick to it, it works.
I wish you well.

Thank you very much. I will try my best, I know I have been creeping her Facebook, and her email. I have to stop it. What she does is her business, she is no longer mine and never will be. Why is life so hard?

All I ever wanted was her, it helps reading this site, its good when there is no one else to talk to.

Life can be hard but it is often that way because we make things harder than they should be.
You will not always feel this way.
We are always here

It's funny, I remember writing "I can't imagine my life without him, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I want him back" about someone when I first came here. Now I can say "thank God he is out of my life."

Girls are complicated. We want our boyfriends to be perfect. To have the perfect timing for flowers, back rubs, gifts or sweet words. We like them handsome, smart AND strong, we want them to be our rock and handle our mood swings. Every woman is different. We like short guys, tall guys, guys with abs or a cuddly belly. We like lanky nerds. We like hairy chests, bald heads, we like long, shiny hair, we like spikes. We like guys with tattoos and piercings, or suits and ties.

There is something every woman likes though (and every man, too) - confidence. We all want a sweet guy's attention and once we have it, we want him to be confident so when the world is too cruel for us, we can run back home to the one we love. The one who makes all the other guys look stupid and disgusting.

From what you said, it looks like you got the first part right. The confidence part will take courage and patience to build. You just realized the first person you have been with doesn't love you the way you love her, noone is expecting you to get over her the next minute.

Take some time to grief. Take a deep breath. You know all this will be over one day and you will find the right person, the one who won't make out with other guys in parties. I hope that day you can say "thank god she is out of my life."

You're not nearly done yet, but it is an amazing journey to learn more about yourself. This site helped me a lot when I went through my breakup. As you answer other people or read others' answers, you'll realize you are much stronger than you think. We will be here whenever you feel the urge to stalk her on Facebook or check (by the way, unfriend her already!) her email ;)

Thank you, you are right. I have to not let her bring me down. I will always miss her, I wanted to be her friend, but being her friend when she is unattached is too difficult. I know that it is sad, but tonight is the first night in a long time that I have not reached out to her. I know if I can make it through tonight, I can make it through another, and another. Thank you so much, I wouldn't be able to have the clearer mind I have now without this site, and you.

You are hardly the first to build a life around another flawed human being with her own issues. We all have.

Now its time to build a life around you, as flawed a human with issues as she is. This is the perfect time to work on your own issues, and rebuild yourself into a better human after a proper healing/mourning period.

No hurry, you have a lifetime to get it right, and make your own mistakes. Don't knock yourself for your mistakes, just learn, and do better.

"I have always felt i have put all the effort into the relationship"
That was me in a nutshell. Last time.
Sucked. Doh.

Be glad.

The first thing is to get out. Her & you in your mind, fantasy crap. No denial. Its over. Over. Over. And Over.
Screw her & all attached to her.

With no guilt.
Ride over her radar.