Hi everyone,
I'm a 28 year old gay man and not out yet. I met a guy 4 years ago who
I trained at the workplace. He seemed interesting. He's 22. So the second day of just knowing him I invited him to my cousins house to watch a
Sporting event. He didn't have a car so I drove him there. He had just arrived
From Europe to make a better life for himself. I invited him just to be nice
And didn't have any feelings for him. Anyway, as the months passed,
We grew stronger in this friendship and he even tagged me as his only
Friend and that it made him uncomfortable to see me with my other friends
It felt good to hear that. More months went by and we kept going out every
Weekend: independent films, dinner, museums. No girls involved, even though
He sometimes talked about one day finding himself a nice girl.

The last three years have been hard for me, well both of us. I have fallen
In love with him. What fed this love is all the help we have given each other
In bad times, the goodtimes we have, camping trips, and so forth. Every time we see each other we welcome each other with a long tight hug and we even hug longer during our evening separation. Sometimes kiss him in the neck while hugging. We always say ,"I Love you, bud" to each other. People some-
Times wondered about us. And him being a macho doesn't get bothered by
This. That's what I love about him. He makes me feel secure and I feel
Accepted. He sometimes kisses my fore head and says "Im so blessed to
have a friend like you, no other person would ask for something better"

I tell him that I have so much love for him, that I feel three times what he feels for me and he understands. I can't accept him leaving for a woman.

I get jealous when he tells me of his days work (we work separately now).
When he tells me that he had lunch with a female coworker, or something
That has to do with someone else. He knows I get jealous and doesn't
Like that. We have broken our friendship twice because of that.
He says that Im his only friend and that he loves me and one day he will
Have a wife and for me to accept that. I tell myself "Better Hurt Now than
later and Leave this situation" but it would be mean for me to take away
Myself from him and take away his "Heaven", as he tells me sometimes.


He asked me to pick him up from his apartment because he wanted to talk
About something. To make things short. He got a new job that he applied
For recently. He met a girl. He say's not his tipe but wants to be with her
To see if there is connection. Before he told me this he said to me. "The
reason I'm telling you this is because your my bud and I will always be loyal
to you and you will never be replaced" I died inside when he told me all
This. I thought "thats it" tears came out. The nightmare that I was afraid of and preparing myself for three years has finally arrived even though he
Says that I'm already making assumptions. I will always die when I'll see
Them together. I cannot be around this.

Im dying right now and feel that I can't succeed in anything, no motivation
Anymore. He is my rock. Salvation.