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    lil miss vixen's Avatar
    lil miss vixen Posts: 49, Reputation: 0
    Junior Member

    Jul 29, 2005, 08:03 PM
    Friends, to long term to ex's
    I love my ex to death, I want him to love me, but were not tougether anymore, I love him with my whole heart, and he's the only boy I've ever wanted to spend my life with, and now he's gone, and I know he's having just a hard time as I am.even when we were dating, he couldn't tell me he loved me. And I was understanding after all it was only a year, and I kept thinking you can learn to love someone, even though I was sure of my feelings when we first started dating, I want him back, even though I broke up with him, because if he couldn't tell me he loved me, when I did everything to show my love to him, I was fed up. Did I do the right thing in letting him go? I don't want him back if he can't love me, girls, would you rather have a guy tell you he loved you and not mean it, but felt strongly for you, or would you rather have true love or no love
    sistersister's Avatar
    sistersister Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jul 29, 2005, 09:20 PM
    Friends, to long term to ex's
    You cannot make someone love you. He may not be able to love. It is more painful to continue loving someone whp will not, cannot or is unable to love you back than to be alone. Learn to love yourself as God loves you. Look for someone who loves them self and he will be able to love you back.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Jul 31, 2005, 12:24 PM
    Great advice Sister!

    "i love my ex to death" - yes, mistake #1 - you NEVER make anyone your life!! You partner is only PART of your life. Until you learn this there will always be heartache.

    Equllay or MORE importantly is school, work, family, hobbies, FRIENDS, WORKOUTS.

    YES! You can NEVER convince someone to love you!! NEVER!! When you put too much importance on one person, especially the first year, YOU WILL SMOTHER THEM.

    People WANT what the ycan't have - always - forever.

    YOU CAN NEVER cpm,pletely surrender to someone - NEVER!! NEVER!! Even when your 70 there still have to be a small since of doubt.

    Advice: DO NOT COINTACT HIM!! For several months - never!! Do NOT. Move on. DATE OTHERS NOW!! LEARN WHAT forced hi9m away (I am sure being WAY too needy/clingy - smothering - I am 100% positive)

    What is cahsed RUNS!! Humans run FAST from smothering.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Jul 31, 2005, 12:26 PM
    You were WAY to available to him. You should have dated other guys early on for several reasons.

    1. you might have found some one better, more loyal, some who doesn't make you needy.

    2. Keeps HIM interested because you are not always available.

    3. Keeps your interest level at an even balance.


    When dating, have you wondered why it seems it's the ones that you really don't like whom you can't seem to get rid of and the ones you do like who never seem to stick around? The reason is simple. It's not the person but the way you behave toward them him or her.

    What determines interest in another human being is a fascinating thing. Most people are actually on the fence at the start of most relationships. This means that almost every time someone can be swayed toward either liking you or disliking you. And he is moved in either direction - either closer or further - depending on how you relate to him.

    This is because as human beings we are forever guided and governed by human nature. The bottom line is that it's not the person you're dating, it's the things you are doing that determine his or her level of interest. So if it's not you - defined as your looks, personality, background, and so on -it must be your that determines the direction and, ultimately, the outcome of the relationship behavior toward this person

    This very powerful, yet simple psychological strategy can be summed up in one sentence:

    You need to behave with the person you don't like the way you've been behaving with the person you do like.

    You need to behave with the person you do like the way you've been behaving with the person you don't like

    While there are many little aspects of one's behavior there are four main factors, which are discussed below.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Jul 31, 2005, 12:26 PM

    People want what they can't have. By constantly making yourself available, you're actually diminishing your value. This is not a trick or a game to play, but a function of human nature. Attraction is not a fixed value. This means that what someone thinks about you is determined to a large extent by what you do, not but just who you are or what you look like. The law of scarcity is prevalent and relevant in every area of our lives, especially here. That which is plentiful is often under appreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable. When you are dating someone whom you are not interested in, you tend to make yourself available which is convenient for you. And when you're dating someone who you really like you're consistently available. Do the reverse.

    This means when you're dating someone you don't like too much, if you are not baking cookies for him, calling him twice a day asking where the relationship is going, and so on, then don't do it with the person you like. And by the way, when you do this with the ones you don't like, they'll be scared off soon enough, so you've eliminated this problem as well.

    Usually to get someone to like you, you want to make yourself available, because this increases liking. If this is so, doesn't it contradict the law of scarcity? Here's what is often misunderstood. If you want someone to like you, then you do indeed want to be in their company fairly often. This is true, but remember that liking is the foundation of every relationship. That means that once you move past the liking stage (meaning the person is already fond of you) and the relationship unfolds into something more serious, then you want to limit your availability.

    Here's a question. Don't we often see good-looking people with attractive people with attractive partners and vice versa? If attraction has little to do with appearance then why is this so? It's because we are often most comfortable with those of similar levels of attractiveness. (This coincides with studies that show that people are generally friends with those of similar levels of attractiveness.) A good-looking person can sometimes make a less attractive person uncomfortable. So this less attractive person tends to lose perspective and act differently - meaning that she puts the person on a pedestal and does the four things outlined in this chapter that she shouldn't be doing. But it's the things that she's doing -not her - the physical person -which makes the difference. This is validated by the fact that sometimes attractive people are with less attractive people. In these relationships it's likely that the less attractive person feels confident about the relationship and hence behaves differently than their less attractive counterparts. (This "confidence" is replicated here when we apply the four factors to gaining leverage in the relationship.)
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Jul 31, 2005, 12:28 PM

    In your relationships, you need perspective. In life, when we derive pleasure from only one source we tend to overemphasis it's value and importance. You should find meaning in your life outside of the relationship so this person doesn't become your whole world. It's important to feel fulfilled in other areas in other areas of your life so you're able to maintain a sensible perspective and not rely on someone else's affection as your sole source of satisfaction and happiness. When you're dating someone you're not interested in, you have plenty of perspective because you're not thinking, "This is the only person for me; if I don't have him my world is over." You're thinking, "All right, let's see what happens; maybe he'll grow on me, and maybe he won't." And it's precisely that mentality that translates into the best attitude. And it's this attitude and your corresponding behavior that actually make you more attractive.


    Here's the crux of how and why relationships work or fail. Simply, you can't appreciate what you take for granted. This in essentially why people, in general, become unhappy in their own lives. They always want more but are never grateful for what they have. And if you are not grateful with what you have, you will begin to take it for granted. And when you do this, you no longer appreciate it. And when you don't appreciate something it holds no enjoyment for you.
    The same holds true for relationships. If someone takes you for granted he or she will not appreciated you and will begin to look for someone else. Similarly, if you went to the doctor and were told that you might lose your hearing, you would probably develop a renewed appreciation for sound. Our gratitude lies in being reminded that w should not take these things for granted.

    And you don't take for granted what you believe can be taken away from you at any time. Similarly, if the object of your affections is a bit insecure with the relationship -meaning there is an element of doubt -then his or her black of confidence will not lead to arrogance and ingratitude. You must create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship. Since it's possible for someone to be taken away from us at any time -by accident, by illness -why do you have to create more doubt?
    If you're in love, you don't This is for those who are not yet at that stage, for whom we artificially and temporarily create the same "atmosphere" of uncertainty.

    Again, without some doubt there is the feeling that "you will always be there." Then he no longer sees how great you are and loses appreciation for you. He begins to take you for granted and then and the passion dies. But you, in your relationship, can within a second reignite the passion and turn the relationship around by introducing an element of doubt. Passion is extinguished when there is no doubt because when there is no doubt you will be taken for granted. Just as in the previous example of going to the doctor; You never gave your hearing a second thought until you thought that it might not be there. When doubt is introduced into the equation it changes you perspective! I cannot stress this enough: You will be taken for granted and not appreciated and the passion will go out of the relationship if all elements of doubt are removed.
    Unfortunately, when we are insecure about a relationship we harm it further by being clingier because we need reassurance. But in doing so you reinforce that you are forever his and remove in his mind any doubt that you might not always be there. And then passion is extinguished. It is a fact of human nature. But now that you understand you can use it to your advantage.

    Remember that this and other factors discussed here are not ideas or tricks that work sometimes. These are laws that dictate human behavior. If you use them and operate within these parameters you can succeed at gaining complete leverage in any relationship. But finally, make sure that you don't make the mistake that most do when it comes to…how you make them feel.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Jul 31, 2005, 12:28 PM
    Why can't I have an open, honest and trusting relationship? You can, of course, but you have to wait until you are in love with each other -and here's why. The above three tactics are ego-based and are designed to get you to this point, but should be discontinued so that you can move on to a mature and lasting relationship. Briefly, love is the absence ego or the "I". And once this takes root, the dynamics of the relationship change so that the more the person is available, and the more he does for you, the more you love him. As far as passion goes, you need only introduce some uncertainty should you feel you are being tasken for granted.

    How You Make Them Feel

    She likes you based on how you make her feel about herself. This doesn't contradict the above. You should still maintain the above behavior -regarding your attitude and availability-but you do want to treat the person well. It's bad advice, though often given, that you don't want to build up someone's confidence, and be overly flattering and complimentary, because then she will "know that you like her" and back off. To a degree, we know this can be true, because when someone likes us, while we are flattered, we can find ourselves less interested in the person. This reaction comes courtesy of the rule that says, We want what we can't have and want more of that which we have to work for. Simply, if it falls in our laps we tend to have less appreciation for it.

    But herein lies the crucial difference between being attentive and kind versus telling her that she is your entire world and the only person for you. (Because, as we talked about, this removes doubt and begins to erode the passion.) The former is more objective and has to do primarily with her. The latter involves your relationship and invokes the rule of scarcity. Notice the crucial difference between saying how much you like this person -which makes you lose leverage -and telling her that she is likable and a great person. Merely stating that somebody is terrific makes her feel great and makes you look great. It's a winning combination because it's only the confident person who tells another how wonderful and terrific she is. And we like confidant and secure people! The distinction is often blurred and we end up trying to "play it cool" and not wanting to "show our hand." This accomplishes little and creates a cold and uncomfortable atmosphere. But lavishing this person with "objective" praise shows you in the best and most confident light and makes her feel great! Again, you want to let her know that you think she's great but not that she is your whole world and that you can't live without her.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Jul 31, 2005, 12:29 PM
    The fastest way is too lose leverage and to lose someone that you like is to do the opposite of the above. That means making yourself completely available, having no perspective, removing all doubt, and being uncomplimentary. Do this and you can be sure that you'll be back dating someone you don't like very much.
    For this new knowledge to be useful you mist memorize it and practice it all the time.

    lil miss vixen's Avatar
    lil miss vixen Posts: 49, Reputation: 0
    Junior Member

    Aug 1, 2005, 08:58 AM
    Actually, you guys have not given me one good piece of advice. And me and him are back tougether, so really, I think you guys have no good advice, or have never been in a relationship worth while, 1st I didn't smother him.
    2nd he loves me just as much as I love him. He told me so.
    3rd school and work are a huge priority of my life, and if you think those should be the most important thing in your life your going to be a misserable old man or woman, or what people call workaholics, so calm down, and do something your heart wants, not what your parents want
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Aug 1, 2005, 09:29 AM
    Hahhahahaha, too funny - I highly doubt that.

    Good luck - but you will learn one day.
    lil miss vixen's Avatar
    lil miss vixen Posts: 49, Reputation: 0
    Junior Member

    Aug 1, 2005, 09:31 AM
    You highly dubt my life? Wth? Who granted you god for the day, listen buddy you don't even know me, so piss off and get a life.

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