So this might be kind of long, and I apologize for that. Basically I'm trying to figure out if my friend with benefits has feelings for me without asking and messing up the situation that we currently have. Here's the backstory...

He and I met about 4 months ago on a dating site. After we met and talked for awhile, he admitted to me that he was married. He claimed that they would be divorced soon, but they still currently lives together. Against my better judgement I started hooking up with him. He told me upfront that he didn't want anything serious and was just wanting to have fun since his wife was the only person he had ever been with. After some time our relationship grew into a true friendship. We hung out with each other all day for our birthdays and have gone to do things (outside of the bedroom) numerous times. He did end up getting divorced 2 weeks ago.

He he and I get along really well. He seems to at the very least genuinely care about me. I'm there for him on a friendship level when he needs it, and visa versa. I just don't know if he wants more. The big hang up I get is he is seeing other women. Not on a regular basis like he sees me, but still seeing them and having sex with them. He tells me all about his encounters with these women. He didn't start telling me these things until I told him I encouraged him to.

On a side note, I'm terrible in relationships. I am very bad about pushing him away. When he tries to hold my hand when we are out, I will pull away. When he calls me "babe" I tell him to not call me that and stuff like that. I'm sure that I am making him feel like I don't want him in anyway more than sex and friendship, but I feel awkward acting any other way.

Any advice or observations from others would be much appreciated.

What do you want out of this situation? Have you been in other situations like this and how did they turn out? Do you push him away because of the other women?

Generally the problem with friends with benefits is when one of the two starts wanting more. If it’s a true friends with benefits it shouldn’t bother you that he sees other women for whatever reason he sees other women. A lot of people think they can handle it in the beginning, only to stress over it more and more. If he has only been with his wife before all of this and was married for a reasonable amount of time, he probably looks at his freedom as one big play time. I guess that’s okay as long as those are the expectations of all parties involved. I’ve been in several before and it’s difficult to keep expectations in check.

The other women don't bother me at all. I personally do not believe in monogamy and would much prefer an open relationship if I am with someone. I'm actually fully open to even a swinger relationship. And he and I have talked about this and even pursued it on a few occasions by going on dates with other couples. But I would like to be his #1 or possibly girlfriend at some point in time.

I have been in multiple fwb situations before and they have actually all ended for the opposite reason (the guy started to have feelings for me). But he and I connect really well and we are comfortable telling each other just about everything. There is one woman in particular that I'm concerned about and that's because I think he honestly likes her as more than a hookup. Funny thing is, I actually picked this woman for him and told him I thought they would be a good match. Because of my own insecurities, I have built this woman up to him and made him feel like she is a huge catch that he shouldn't let get away, even though secretly I want him to feel about me the way I'm telling him he should feel about her.

Did you read what you wrote? If not, reread it. It’s several contradictions all the way through. I get what you’re saying I think. Do you not believe in monogamy because of past bad experiences? I have been in a monogamous relationship for several years and the thought of someone else touching my partner makes my blood boil. But that’s me. I have never really understood swingers or sharing or threesomes, but I am a prude. I do know you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You want to be his #1 but you are semi okay with him seeing others, as long as you remain the #1. That can only happen if you discuss this with him and you both have the same expectations. However setting up a relationship like that seems to me you are setting up for failure because at some point one of you two might change those expectations.

No, it really has nothing to do with past relationships or experiences. It is just the way I have always felt or at least as far back as I can remember (junior high). I get bored in relationships very easily, and a situation like this keeps things a little more fun. I don't however want a relationship where he has multiple "girlfriends" and I have multiple "boyfriends. I still think structure and rules is a must to make this type of relationship work.

But all of this is beside the point. The point I was making is him hooking up with other women doesn't bother me at all and I am a strong supporter and cheerleader for him and his sex life.

Bottom line is, I would like more than the arrangement that we have. I'm fine with waiting for it, because as I said earlier he is just out of a marriage (which on a sidenote lasted 13 years). I don't want him to rush into anything with me. But I would like to know how I should approach the situation later and if it even seems worth approaching.

I think you keep what you have and enjoy it while it lasts and not bring those extra feelings into this agreement at this time. It's only been 4 months and you both have a whole lot of life changing baggage that makes being in an exclusive relationship a disaster waiting to happen.

I seriously doubt he is even close to being ready for what you want, nor you even know what you want beyond the feelings of attraction, and attachment making you fantasize a bit too much. On a practical note, explore the FWB for now and see what happens next, because I doubt this arrangement can stand any major changes right now. Way too soon for that.

I think if you start pushing him too fast, for MORE than friendship and sex, he runs away, and rightfully so, considering the signals you have already been sending regarding personal public displays of affection and being his babe coach. Remember how YOU felt when your other FWB's wanted more? This is a view from the other side of the coin.

If you feel the same way after maybe a year or two, then discuss the possibility. Until then...don't rock the boat...enjoy the cruise.

So do I just keep things exactly how they are? Or should I attempt to behave slightly different if I want something more in the future? I actually have a lot of issues with affection and intimacy. I refuse to kiss him or cuddle with him or have any type of physical contact with him aside from the sex of course. I know he wants to be able to kiss and cuddle and all that, but I have been refusing. Should I start to give in slowly and allow some of this even though it makes me uncomfortable? Or continue not doing these things?

Friends with benefits does not come with baggage. It isn't supposed to when both individuals know what they want and are mature enough to handle the situation. If one starts to feel they want more, then it is time to assess, personally and know when to call it quits.

I am stating from experience going into now, our surprisingly 35 year FWB relationship so trust me, I know where I stand and we both do not want more. There is a lot of respect between us.

I hope yiu glean something from this.

You have been setting up a status quo of barriers, roadblocks which seem to come from your own personality. If you want to change how you treat him, you will first have to sit down with him and talk it through, but judging from the barriers and roadblocks, I don't think you could do it. So I suggest you let him move on and you go your own inept way.

If you cannot just be yourself without the hidden agendas then you aren't honest with yourself or with him, so aren't really friends either. Don't be in a hurry to change yourself based on the what if's of the future. Especially not after just 4 short months.

Problem is I want to change. Not just for him, but for myself. I want to want affection and intimacy, but those things have always made me uncomfortable. That's the main reason I have never been able to make a relationship work. I just don't want to get stuck in the "friend zone" and miss out on a chance for something that could be great. I know that when he refers to our relationship, he calls it dating, even though I just call it friends with benefits. As I said before, I'm not trying to get him to rush into anything with me. I expect it to take at least a year before he's ready for anything even remotely serious. I just want to get closer to him and not push him away in the meantime.

Time to find someone else who isn't after little more than a booty call. You aren't going to find "the one" as long as you are someone's sex toy. There are lots of people out there who aren't just after sex with few or no strings attached. Time to find one, the pool of single never married people will only get smaller... and eventually you may decide... holy crap... I'm 40 single want a kid and can't find a soul mate... as the clock runs out.


And incidentally....you might find you aren't really all that bad with relationships once you find yourself in one with the right person.....because if your partner isn't on the same sheet of music as you are at least 90% of the time...then you are in the wrong relationship.

Whether you admit it are not, you want to change for HIM, because you want more from him, or else you would be getting comfortable with EVERYBODY you date, and not just him as far as being affectionate.

Just be happy with dating this fellow and see what you have when the lust has faded and the work begins. Workout your issues without him. Sorry you are falling for a guy who had a failed marriage and is just in it for the fun.

Yes, I do want to change for him. But not only for him. I have wanted to change for a long time, even before I met him. And while I truly do appreciate the advice, I know I'm more than just a booty call. I see him 4-5 times a week and we maybe "hookup" once a week. We have met each others families, he has been to my son's birthday party, and many other things like that. I know that for now casual is best, but I don't want him to think that I'm closed off to the possibility someday. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket either. I've been dating other people here and there since before I met him. But he is the first person that I have felt a true connection with. I'm not someone who gets feelings with someone easily. So this is kind of new and different for me.

Also, on a side note, I'm 27 years old and have a 5 year old son. So I've been around the block quite a few times and I do know what I want when it comes to life and a relationship.

Just so you know... I'm 53, didn't meet "the one" where we really BOTH clicked until I was older than you (completely by chance)... before her I dated a few dozen... usually it was them wanting married and me that didn't want it... most of them we got along splendidly in bed... ever as friends... but the deeper you looked the less we had in common.

If its not working mutually without having to jump through hoops or "change". By EITHER person... then its not "right" and if you forced it you'd be forcing things for a very long time to come... before someone walked out the door and didn't come back.

Not to mention having seen more than a few situations play out where things weren't right in the beginning with others (long time friends of mine)... and saw them eventually fall apart, some just took longer than others.

I understand your feelings and no wonder since it seems rather intense. Could this be too much, too fast? Two people define what the relationship is, and get on the same page through honest communications. I can see part of your dilemma is while he is enjoying sleeping/dating around, (I guess you are too) you are ready for more, and are afraid to just tell him that for fear of running him off.

You may have been around the block a few times but you are still in uncharted water, and maybe need to slow down and let your own emotions catch up with the reality of this situation. You aren't the only friend with benefits he has, and are already way to invested to say this is JUST casual. To you it's not.

Reread what you have written, because you accept and settle but don't really like it, and already plot to change it. Way too soon. You haven't gotten to the point of honest communications YET. That's what's so obvious to me. In my book, communications trumps holding hands, and generic cutey patooty love names.

Heck you communicate honestly with us here I bet, than with him.

So I shouldn't try to change even if it's better for myself? The way that I live right now with no intimacy and no affection makes me miserable. I can't even sleep in the same bed with someone because it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't want to live like this regardless of my situation with this guy in particular.

And although ugh it may seem like it, I know that this relationship won't work out long term. I'm not looking for that. But a relationship regardless of how long it lasts would be nice.

Nothing wrong with trying to change. The reality is people rarely do in the long term... and usually fall back into old habit patterns. Maybe you will be the exception rather than the rule. Only way to know is try. Just understand its not going to happen overnight... if it happens at all it might take years before you know if you will fall back into old habits or not.

And you don't want to ruin his life by getting hitched and finding out in a few years you really can't change. Try and put yourself in their shoes....what if its them that decides they can't be monogamous or caring in that spousal way a few years after tying the knot?

I find looking at something from the other persons perspective is very useful in cases like this.

Doesn't make you a bad person....it just makes you a different person than they are.

To change what is making you miserable then it seems that you have to identify why you are uncomfortable.

Any thoughts on that?

Yes. My dad has Asperger's syndrome, and I'm pretty sure I have a more mild form of it. But regardless, it's how I was raised. My parents never showed love or affection for each other. I've still to this day never seen my parents kiss and they have been married over 30 years. It's just been difficult for me to try to change, because I have never found someone that I am comfortable enough with to even try. And even though I've only known him a short period I'm more comfortable around him than I ever have been with anyone else. And I know he feels the same level of comfort with me.

Thanks. That was very insightful. A very reasonable approach would be to talk about it with this fellow without expectations and see where the conversation leads. Another thought is ditch the FWB label. I think looking at this as he does as "dating" puts it on a better perspective. I mean hanging out 4 to 5 times a week isn't just a booty call, it's the early stages of having fun as you get to know each other.

This is where communication is developed, and where hearts and minds meet. I think that's the true path to a real relationship, being able to talk and move forward together, but I doubt, despite the comfort level between you that an exclusive relationship is realistic, but building on a friendship may be as rewarding as you work through your own issues and find a path for your happiness. It should not depend on him, but JUST on you. Does that make sense?

Let's not ignore the fact that you met him before he was divorced. Do you know why his marriage failed? How long was he married? Kids? How old is he? I guess the point of being nosy is to make sure you are cautious and pragmatic with who and how you explore your experiment for change with. And while I am being nosy and all up in your personal business, where is your baby daddy? Was your discomfort with affection a factor in that relationship failure?