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    Salamander86's Avatar
    Salamander86 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 2, 2018, 01:30 PM
    My fiancÚ neglected to tell me he's had genital herpes all along?
    Hi,

    I'm wondering what to do in this situation. I was recently helping my fiancÚ out and packed up some things for a last minute work trip and as I was packing his travel bag for toothbrush, toothpaste etc. I noticed a pill bottle I'd never seen before. I shouldn't have been snoopy and googled the name of it but I found out it was to treat herpes. I confronted him about it and have found out he's neglected to tell me he has had genital herpes since before we started dating six years ago. I reacted appropriately but internally I am raging. I'm pissed off I was never given the choice to back away from the situation and now, according to my doctor, I won't know for sure if I have it unless I get an outbreak. Despite me politely expressing my frustration about never being informed I've kept my thoughts to myself hence why I am posting here. I understand that he's less likely to give it to me without an outbreak but can through skin to skin contact via viral shedding. While I am completely sympathetic to his situation and obviously don't define him by having herpes this has completely turned me off wanting to go near him - mostly from the fact that I'm so angry that he wouldn't have informed me. Would you stay?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Mar 2, 2018, 02:04 PM
    I'm so very sorry this is happening.

    Frankly, for me, the herpes wouldn't be the reason I left. Him keeping it secret, that would take me some time to get over, or might cause me to leave.

    I can understand not telling someone on the first date that you have herpes, but after 6 years of dating, getting engaged, planning to start a life together, it should have come up long before that, and it seems he probably never had any intention of telling you, and you only know now because you found his medication.

    At the very least I think you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Tell him that you're feeling very angry about this, and you can't believe he kept this secret. Maybe even couples counseling would be a good idea. As for staying or going, only you can make that decision for yourself.

    Good luck.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Mar 3, 2018, 05:56 AM
    I'd ditch him. NOW
    I agree that it's his secretiveness that would be the reason. He didn't just 'neglect to tell you.' He went out of his way to not tell you. That's LYING, a big fat one too. Now I wouldn't even trust this 'work trip.'

    If he actually really loves and cares about you, he can take a year off, while you get tested and reassured that you don't have it. If you don't have it, he can spend the year proving his worth. He can clean the Aegean stables and bring you the golden fleece. He can woo you in ways that no one does anymore. He can repent. He can make amends. GRRRRR!!! Be angry!!!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Mar 3, 2018, 06:44 AM
    You have every right to be angry about this breach of trust and confidence. Take all the time you need to process that anger, in your own way, in your own time. If you need help with that then get it. I would not make any major decisions until your anger had subsided, and you had talked this through. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker, or an obstacle to be overcome, and much I think depends on your own history so far and how you have dealt with setbacks before, and how well you communicate now.

    Unless I miss my guess you have many questions to ask him, and much depends on his answers, so when YOU are ready for that calm as possible talk, then have it and see how you feel. maybe you both can come together on how to work through this either together or apart. The question for you to answer though is whether you need space to deal with your own feelings of anger and what follows betrayal, sadness, regrets, AND obviously FEAR. You know you need TIME, how much is again up to YOU!

    I don't know if you should go or stay, or what you want to do about this surprise event, so I will just ask what you want to do? Are you ready for that serious talk, and get FACTS, or will your feelings get in the way?

    To be very blunt, he didn't NEGLECT to tell you of his condition, he chose not to. WHY? You need the whole story before you can make a reasonable decision, or get over the shock so you can deal with this in an honest healthy way.

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