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    fyregurlie's Avatar
    fyregurlie Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Sep 10, 2006, 12:08 AM
    I feel so empty.. what should I do?
    So I have went through some pretty crazy relationships, but I was always being hurt, or lied too, even cheated on- and finally I thought I found the guy of my dreams. He was amazing- he brought me flowers, drove for four hours at two in the morning to come and see me, and never put me down once. In his arms I felt more alive than I have ever felt... and then one day, completely out of the blue, he tells me that he needs space and time for college; being pretty understanding I could understand that- but a couple days before this he was saying how much he loved me and needed me and that Im the best, then he went up to see his best friend and his ex girlfriend because they were both really good friends of his, and he had a "long" conversation with his ex. I always told him that he could always tell me anything, even if was concerning another girl. I never wanted him to be afraid of telling me anything, and while he broke up with me he told me that he also started having strong feelings for his ex again. Im torn apart. They have spent the last three weekends together, and he assures me that they are just really good friends, but every time I think about when they are together it breaks me a little more. It's hard enough that he broke up with me, but even harder when I thought he was the one, and he was amazing, and now he is falling for another girl. He told me he needs me to be his best friend right now, and that he needs my support through this tough year and since Im still madly in love with him, it kills me to think of life without him... even just being his friend. I feel so pitiful, and I feel stupid that I can't think straight, but I don't know how to get over him when there could be a possibility of being with him later.. even if I have to suffer knowing about this ex girlfriend thing- Our relationship was flawless until now.. I mean... how do you get over that.. especially when it just suddenly happens. I feel so shattered... and I want to just get angry but I can't; I don't know how to stop loving him... how do you deal with this??
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    Ultra Member

    Sep 10, 2006, 05:01 AM
    There are many ways to deal with this and what I would recommend is a total re-evaluation of your views about all things related to love. You need to lose your little girl gullibility and take ownership that you are involved in creating this mess. You need to see your part. Here are a number of things that need to be addressed: How desperate you sound for The One to come along begins the list -- you sound incomplete without "a him" and its best to tackle that immediately. It is SUCH bad news! Incomplete women attract exactly who you have been getting (same goes for the guys too, by the way). You might as well have this pasted to your forehead: "If you are a player, step right up and screw me over!" You need to change that.

    You have a track record for selecting the liars and nothing has been done to change that at your end -- so you picked another one, see my point? You lie too, to yourself---here is one of your bigger ones: "Our relationship was flawless until now.." Reality check: flawless relationships last and yours didn't. Besides "flawless" belongs in fairy tales-- how about using "healthy" instead? You blurred the natural distinctions between a friend (best or otherwise) and a lover and you set him up to use you like a doormat-- this is serious stuff! It speaks of the level of lowness to your esteem that you tried to keep him at any cost. You need a total make over in the love department. I would strongly suggest a terrific book called "Women Who Love Too Much" or, if you are up to it, "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. Both will ring bells with you-- if you are honest about how you are. You need to do some growing up and its time to do it now before you tangle with any more guys. Otherwise you can play the "total victim" in this, remain in denial, and you'll very likely continue to get what you get.

    The bad news is it's a hard lesson; the good news is learn it and great things shall come to pass for you.
    bizygurl's Avatar
    bizygurl Posts: 522, Reputation: 110
    Senior Member

    Sep 10, 2006, 05:37 AM
    Sweetie you have every right to get angry. You already are. Are you afraid to tell him your angry for fear of him leaving you? That doesn't solve the problem at all. All it does is make you look like a doormat and that is exactly how this guy is treating you. I believe he may care about you but certainly not enough to really love you. A real man in love wouldn't put there woman in this type of situation. Saying he has "strong feelings" for his ex again and then turining around and saying he needs you to be there for him. He knows it doesn't work that way especially when it comes to ex's and new girlfriends. Its not right and I think he's taking you for a ride.

    Stand up for yourself sweetie, tell him no its not all right that he's spending all this time with her and he needs to make a choice. If he still has feelings for her then he needs to go back to her and try and work it out and leave you alone. He needs to know that your not going to stand for it. Good luck
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853

    Sep 10, 2006, 02:59 PM
    As A guy I know your hurt and mad. And not to be insensitive, You played a big role in what happened and why it happened. No body can play you unless you let them. No one can use you unless you let them. As Val said you make it easy for guys to make a fool of you and then when they do you become the hurt victim. If that's what you want to be a victim then stop crying about it and change. Leave all the guys alone until you can get a grip on reality and see things for what they are. Example, when a guy says he loves you but has to visit his ex duh! That's when you should be PO'd! And you still want to be his friend? YOU do need a lot of help, but start with finding something else to do than make a jerk your boyfriend. Absolutely leave the guys alone for now.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Sep 10, 2006, 05:08 PM
    Time to grow up! Your plan B! He's playing you. Move on. You had your fun with him - remember the good times - but, as it turns out - HE IS NOT THAT great guy you want him to be.

    Just more experience. Do not be gulible, do not be nieve anymore.

    Build some walls with these guys and SLOWLY get to know them - DON'T BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AVAILABLE TO GUYS. After MANY months - and IF they pass your TESTS... then surrender a little bit - but not all the way.

    No one wants a door mat/push over. Be selective. Be HARD TO GET going forward. Ne a challenge.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member

    Sep 10, 2006, 05:10 PM
    Unfortunately you were probably a rebound relationship. I know that's not a nice realization to come to but you just have to pick yourself up and move on with your life. I wouldn't try to be his "best friend." In fact, I wouldn't contact him at all as that'll only make the situation even more painful for you. Always take things slowly when you first meet someone. Be on the lookout for red flags that could indicate that you're just a rebound relationship. Among these are constantly talking about his ex and even going to visit her' Those are signs for you to turn tail and run on the other direction and don't look back.

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