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    kbranch's Avatar
    kbranch Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 29, 2010, 11:54 AM
    My ex says he loves me but won't leave his current situation...
    I met Doug when he had been separated from his wife for 4 months. After separating from his wife, he started seeing an old high school friend, Sherry, actually she was his high school crush, that he never dated in high school. She was always a good friend of his, knew his feelings for her but never gave him the time of day, as he put it, "he was dropped in the friend zone" in high school, she dated several of his close friends and every time she would break up with one of them, she would come back and hang out with Doug until she started dating someone else. When I met him, he was seeing her but according to him and his best friend, she saw him when it was convenient to her. She wasn't interested in sex, they hardly ever kissed and what they had in common was drinking and listening to music. So for the first month I knew him, we were just friends, we talked a lot, met for drinks a few times but never crossed the line of friendship, even though it was obvious to both of us that we were developing feelings for each other, he wouldn't do anything until he knew what was going to happen with Sherry.


    After a month, I knew that my feelings were moving beyond friendship and Doug felt so too. Seemed like things happened for a reason, Sherry called him one night and told him she wanted to break up so she could get back together with an ex. So Doug and I started dating exclusively and fell in love. We were together as much as possible, talking and texting all day long, every day. He became a member of the family with me and my 3 kids. He was so hands-on, loved my kids, attended all athletic events for my kids. We had a very active sex life, both of us were very satisfied. After we had been together 3 months, Sherry contacted him and started texting him telling him that she made a mistake and missed him. He said he became confused, he was in love with me but she was this person he had wanted so much 20 years ago and that he felt that he needed to see what would happen with her, as it was unresolved. He said that since he had only been separated 8 months and had even considered seeing her again, he felt that things were happening too fast and he needed to see what would happen.

    So he started seeing Sherry again, but continued to talk to me and tell me how torn he was. Obviously, Sherry was very jealous of me since she saw how happy Doug and I were together, she knew that we had fallen in love. So she started insisting on him cutting me out of his life. He went through the motions but continued to talk to me. He hurt me with his actions so I cut off contact with him and after a few weeks I started talking to a new man, I never stopped thinking of Doug but the new man was a distraction for the hurt. After not talking for a while, Doug contacted me and apologized for things that happened, wanted to know how I was. I was pretty cold towards him and he asked if I was seeing anyone, I told him I was and he basically freaked out. He wanted to see me, so I met him at a fast food restaurant to hear him out. He told me that he felt he had made a mistake, had chosen the wrong path. I was hesitant about taking him back, I didn't want to get hurt again. He said he would do whatever he needed to do to get me back. After talking for about a week and a half, I insisted that he needed to break up with Sherry. He was very upset, said he needed to do this in his time and couldn't break up with her. Once again, I got hurt. After 2 weeks, he contacted me again, he came to see me, said he wasn't happy but still wouldn't leave. He still kept saying that he was just trying to figure things out. Sherry had leased an apartment and wanted him to move in with her, so he did. When he separated from his wife, he moved in with his parents, while his wife stayed in the house until the house sold. So after 9 months of being separated and living with his parents, I think he jumped at the opportunity to move out of his parents' house. Not to mention, he was responsible for paying the mortgage on the house he owns with his wife and Sherry is paying all the bills in the apartment, so he is living rent free. Sherry also changed jobs, took a huge pay cut to be able to spend more time with Doug, so every time he talked of leaving she would hold that over his head, along with the apartment so she was guilting him into staying. Like their relationship the first time around, what they do together is drink and listen to music. I have repeatedly tried to be understanding because I know what it's like to have this high school crush that you just need to get out of your system. I also know what it feels like to come out of a long relationship, I know he needs to find his way on his journey through this.

    To make a long story short, Doug continued to contact me and tell me how much he loved me and missed me and us. He repeatedly told me that he wished he never would've opened the door with her again. Not only did he tell me this but he told his best friend, who also is a great friend of mine. His friend and I would talk about Doug quite a bit, we are both concerned about him, how much he's drinking and the fact that he doesn't seem happy. He constantly talked of leaving her and coming back to be with me again. He said he never stopped loving me, and always wanted to be with me, just didn't know about his feelings for Sherry. He said being with me was what he always wanted but some days he felt being with Sherry was what he wanted too, so he was torn in what to do. Sherry had given him the ultimatum that if he moved out or left that it was over so Doug was faced with a life changing decision of having a door closed that he wasn't sure he was ready to close. According to his best friend, Wyatt, he thinks Doug loves Sherry, but like the way he loves Wyatt, he says that he knows Doug is in love with me. Sherry and Doug are close friends, drinking buddies, if you will, but Doug is scared to walk away from that friendship. Doug told me and his best friend that he really didn't know how he felt about Sherry, he has been living with her for 6 months, yet doesn't know how he feels for her. I don't see how that's possible. He said some days he felt like he wanted to be there with her and some days he was ready to leave, it was a roller coaster. Yet, all along, he continues to say that loving me has never been in question, being with me is always what he wants, just needs to figure out what he feels for Sherry. He has said repeatedly that he needs to just follow his heart but he's scared of walking away from her since 20 years had gone by and she was a great friend. Wyatt has told me that Doug is in love with me but that he also feels that Doug is in love with the thought of being with Sherry, he also said that he thinks Doug is realizing that reality is nowhere close to the fantasy that he always had of being with her.

    Right or wrong, Doug and I slept together several times during this time that he is struggling with what to do. The last time we slept together, Sherry found out about it because she went through his phone and found a text message that Doug had written to Wyatt telling him that we had spent the day together. So, once again Doug stayed with Sherry because he said he didn't want his relationship to end on those terms. At the time that she found out about us sleeping together, Sherry told Doug that if he talked to me or had any contact with me again that it was over between them. So 3 weeks went by, and once again Doug contacted me. I wasn't too receptive to talking to him, I told him that no contact was best until he was done with her. So for the next few weeks, he would send me text messages and I would ignore them, until finally he sent me a message about Wyatt, our mutual friend, and I responded because I was concerned for him. Once again, we started talking on a daily basis and really enjoyed each other again, we did not have sex, just talked. I hated not having him in my life so I thought talking to him would be easier but I quickly learned that talking to him during the day until he went home to her and over the weekend when I didn't talk to him at all was just too hard. I told him I needed to go back to no contact until he was ready to be us, so a week went by and then he contacted me again. We talked a few days and once again I told him I couldn't do this, cut off contact again, another week went by and he contacted me again. See a pattern here? He always initiates contact with me, even though he knows what he is risking if she would find out. Finally, one day I snapped, told him I couldn't do it anymore and that I had reached my breaking point, I had to let go so he could figure out his life because I had put my life on hold for 7 months waiting on him. I felt at peace with my decision, I missed him but knew that I was doing the right thing. Four days after telling him that, I went out with some girlfriends to a concert, drank a little too much and I texted him. Well, obviously texting him at night while he's with her is a big NO-NO, he was so ugly to me, sent me several messages telling me to leave him alone, that he loved Sherry. I know that she was reading his texts so I understand that he wrote a lot of those things because he was trying to do damage control since obviously she freaked out that I contacted him. Now Wyatt has told me that Doug is pretty mad at me, I guess because I rocked the boat for him and Sherry. Quite honestly, I believe I'm the one that should be mad, not him. He was always the one that initiated contact with me after I cut it off and he has strung me along for 7 months, yet he's mad at me? The day I told him I was letting go, he had told me how much he loved me, he wanted to have sex with me. I honestly believe that he does love me, but the fact that he has continued to hurt me over and over confuses me. How can you hurt someone you love? Is it because I have allowed him to treat me this way? He has told me and his friends that he is in love with me, I'm the one he wants to be with, yet there he is still living with Sherry. A few male friends of mine have told me that quite honestly he really doesn't have any incentive to leave, he's living with her rent-free, he's drinking and partying every night, has no responsibilities. And up until a week ago, he was still able to talk to me so he didn't have to make a decision. Now that I contacted him and rocked the boat with Sherry, he's mad at me and "committing" to her again. Even though, history shows that he can't commit to her because he loves me. He knows that. He has tried numerous times to commit to being with her and always contacts me. So how do I stop this vicious cycle? The consensus is that I need to just let go, physically and emotionally and I need to let him follow this through with Sherry. How long can a 40 year old act like a 20 year old? Wyatt thinks he is just having a mid-life crisis and that he needs to work through this. I need to let Sherry be the transition girl after his marriage, and let him sow his wild oats of partying and living it up. Wyatt told me once, that if he thought Doug would be happy with Sherry then that's where he would want him to be, but that he didn't think that. I guess it's easier to see things a lot clearer from the outside. Wyatt says he knows that life with me is where Doug wants to be even though Doug seems to be so confused. So would your advice be to walk away and let him figure things out on his own? I've been told that he can't see clearly since I've been in the equation, I need to take myself completely out of the equation so he can gain some clarity in the situation.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #2

    Jul 29, 2010, 12:22 PM

    Did he divorce his wife? I think he's playing you and "Sherry" too like a violin.
    BananaPie's Avatar
    BananaPie Posts: 59, Reputation: 7
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    #3

    Jul 29, 2010, 12:45 PM

    .. . This man has you so wrapped up, you're making excuses for his detestable behaviour and you believe them. Sounds to me like he's using the both of you, and thoroughly enjoys the risk of the situation.

    I'd drop him immediately. For good.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #4

    Jul 29, 2010, 12:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by BananaPie View Post
    . . . this man has you so wrapped up, you're making excuses for his detestable behaviour and you believe them. Sounds to me like he's using the both of you, and thoroughly enjoys the risk of the situation.

    I'd drop him immediately. For good.




    I have to agree. I think he is using both of you. Where is the wife is she an ex now or did he get a divorce?
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #5

    Jul 29, 2010, 12:58 PM

    I had to let go so he could figure out his life because I had put my life on hold for 7 months waiting on him. I felt at peace with my decision, I missed him but knew that I was doing the right thing. Four days after telling him that, I went out with some girlfriends to a concert, drank a little too much and I texted him. Well, obviously texting him at night while he's with her is a big NO-NO, he was so ugly to me, sent me several messages telling me to leave him alone, that he loved Sherry. I know that she was reading his texts so I understand that he wrote a lot of those things because he was trying to do damage control since obviously she freaked out that I contacted him. Now Wyatt has told me that Doug is pretty mad at me, I guess because I rocked the boat for him and Sherry. Quite honestly, I believe I'm the one that should be mad, not him. He was always the one that initiated contact with me after I cut it off and he has strung me along for 7 months, yet he's mad at me?
    This sums it up for me. Doug's mad at you? What a joke!

    Your friend Wyatt gives crummy advice. Don't listen to him anymore. Who cares what Doug wants? He couldn't commit to a roll of toilet paper.

    Let this loser go. It's easy to have a romantic few months together, and be glad you got to enjoy that. But Doug is a narcissist who feels entitled to have everything he wants all the time; he cheats emotionally and physically and is addicted to drama. Sherry is being completely used by him. Why would you even consider signing up for that too?

    Move on and count your blessings.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #6

    Jul 29, 2010, 01:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by asking View Post
    This sums it up for me. Doug's mad at you? What a joke!

    Your friend Wyatt gives crummy advice. Don't listen to him anymore. Who cares what Doug wants? He couldn't commit to a roll of toilet paper.

    Let this loser go. It's easy to have a romantic few months together, and be glad you got to enjoy that. But Doug is a narcissist who feels entitled to have everything he wants all the time; he cheats emotionally and physically and is addicted to drama. Sherry is being completely used by him. Why would you even consider signing up for that too?

    Move on and count your blessings.




    Good advice as usual. I'm applauding. Got to spread the rep.:)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #7

    Jul 29, 2010, 01:07 PM

    "And so goes the days of our lives" [soap opera music playing in the background]!!

    Sorry dear this reads like a soap opera script, full of drama, intrigue, and violins during the love scenes.

    I often wonder if people go back and read what they wrote and somehow see what it is they allow themselves to be put through in the name of love, and following their heart.

    So would your advice be to walk away and let him figure things out on his own?
    That would have been my advice as soon as you found out that he was only recently (4 months) from his wife.
    I've been told that he can't see clearly since I've been in the equation,
    It would seem he can't see clearly since this Sherry chick came along so many years ago. Any one can plainly see the poor fool has a thing for her that makes him a complete idiot, and here you come sticking your nose into his insanity! (Insanity-Doing the same thing over, and over, and getting the same results).
    I need to take myself completely out of the equation so he can gain some clarity in the situation.
    No, you need to completely remove yourself from the situation, so you can get clarity, without his or his friends influence, which you so willingly believe. Neither of them is your friend, nor intend you any good. That you would so quickly latch on to a guy with his female problems, and history is NOT healthy at all.

    Real life is not a soap opera, and has no violins playing in the background. Leave, and get some reality why don't you!
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #8

    Jul 29, 2010, 01:13 PM

    Good for you Tal... Love your advice. Hope the OP listens and follows it.
    Shadowburn's Avatar
    Shadowburn Posts: 249, Reputation: 179
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    #9

    Jul 29, 2010, 01:56 PM

    That's a terrible story, and the only solution I see is to cut him off completely and absolutely. He's been doing that to you for 7 months already... don't let him do it for years, because he will. Leave his mess behind, he is so not worth it.

    Good luck.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #10

    Jul 30, 2010, 08:51 AM
    You have some problems here.

    The problems aren't the men in your life, or the 'other women', or how low you've allowed yourself to go emotionally and otherwise, or how much you've compromised your principles and basic common decency to contribute to the drama.

    This is about choices.

    You choose to hang onto a man who has a dubious past, and lives a precarious present, with questionable motives for the future.

    He has children. You have children. He is not stepping up in my opinion, with any of these children that he is either father to, or a significant male influence to. Someone who is so emotionally unbalanced, needy, and manipulative to the 'loves' of his life, to me, is no better than a low life bottom feeding scum sucker.

    So, what does that make you. How do you define yourself as a woman, a mother, a friend, and a person. Every action and decision you continue to make, in order to keep this man in your life- somehow- affects every other action in your life, and the lives of your children.

    While he has some qualities you like, and need in a partner, he is simply not available emotionally, psychologically, physically, and every other which way. He is not stable in his decision making, and doesn't know what (or who) he wants. He is incapable of making important decisions as you have implied. Just what is it that you don't get that seems so obvious.

    It is not impossible to say 'no'. No to him, no to his influence in your life, no to him being an influence in your children's lives, no to a future, no to an affair, no to swallowing the drama, and no to that big black cloud that, every once in a while, sends you a few rays of sunshine in order to keep you hooked into this toxic game of what you think is 'love'.

    Love isn't what he is doing, and love isn't what you are doing.

    Both of you are playing games, both of you are kidding yourselves, and both of you choose to believe that 'things will work out'.

    If you decide to pursue this man, considering all that you have said, please seek counselling to get a grip on how to break free from him and think for yourself.

    If you decide to let him go, considering all that you have said, please seek counselling to learn what you need to do to work through the emotions, and to learn where you have gone wrong, and how not to repeat the same mistake(s) again.
    positiveparent's Avatar
    positiveparent Posts: 1,136, Reputation: 291
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    #11

    Jul 30, 2010, 04:07 PM

    Hes been feeding you a line and stringing you along since day one I would say, if he cared for you really cared, he wouldn't have to go and find out about his old high school sweetheart or crush, he would just know what and who he wanted, 40 yr old men don't act indecisive or un sure, or if they do its not for long, I would also guess that he was unfaithful to his wife. As has been asked where is she in all of this.

    Also the part about him living rent free, that's a line that's as old as the hills, he's not there because its rent free he is there because he wants to be there, he wasn't sending you nasty texts because she was reading them he sent them because he wanted to because you had caught him out if the truth is known, every time he comes to you and spins you a line you grab it as if his every word is written in gold leaf. Hes not worth having he's definitely not worth waiting for, he's been playing you since day one I would say, he was still married obviously, so he's a cheat too, no surprise there, he's possibly been having himself a nice little 3 way love fest with you his wife and this other woman.

    If you want to allow yourself to be used by this man then that's your choice, but if you do then accept that you'll be lied to cheated on, taken for a fool laughed at behind your back, thought of as an easy lay, and more, that falls for every yarn this man spins you.

    Don't forget too your children are witnessing all of this so if they grow up and it turns out they show you no respect then when you wonder why just remember this time, and how you're willingly being treated with no respect by this man who has no intentions of ever getting in to a long term relationship with you, why because he can have you when he feels like it anyway, so he doesn't need to bother putting himself out in order to have you...

    The choice is yours its your life, you choose what you want to do, but if you choose to continue believing the lies you're being told then you can expect to be hurt, on a regular basis, but it is because you're allowing it to happen that's why, and only you can put a stop to it, by saying no more. But will you??

    As for the friend wyatt, he's merely telling you what he thinks you want to hear, possibly hoping to jump into his friends shoes when you finally catch on, he may have even been asked to get involved for this very purpose...
    emma_looo's Avatar
    emma_looo Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Nov 16, 2011, 04:10 PM
    If that's to cut your long story short, I would have hated to see the long version :s



    Edited/T

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