My ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago for certain reasons like wanting to find out who she is, be single for a while and just enjoy going out and meet new people. Went went out for 3 and a half years.

She ended up going off with this guy a week after she broke up with me and all my friends, family and her friends too, said it wouldn't last that he is the rebound guy. This guy is a really big tool if you like and doesn't know how to treat someone correctly. Someone who just sleeps around as we all know and heard. I heard the other day through a few friends that apparently last year she got turned down 5 times in the space of 4 days for sex from the guy.

He is a gay guy as everyone has witnessed and knows. My ex came up to my friends after this happened and asked them if he was gay and everyone said she. Apparently she was like wow... Cut that short there whatever it was finished about a month ago. I have only seen my ex in person 4 times in the last 3.5 months as I have been visiting family in the UK. When she broke up with me she was like I need some space, I can't go from partners to friends in 2 months and all that sort of stuff... Well less than 2 weeks after saying this to me, she was trying to talk to me a lot and seem really happy to always talk to me and constantly asking when I would be returning to New Zealand...

It didn't make sense because she dumped me and said she wanted space, yet seeming always happy to talk to me and always asking what I'm up to, how I'm going, when I will be home (NZ home)... I saw her 2 time in 2 days earlier in January as I came back to NZ for a week before having to go back to the UK for a family death.. We caught up at a party the night before and then hung out just us two the next day. Earlier in the week she said she wanted to see me either 1 day or the other... But turned out she wanted to see me both days in the end... Anyway when we caught up 1 on 1, it felt so natural, and I honestly just wanted to hug her and hold her hand, but obviously knew I couldn't.

Anyway being back in the UK in early January, she was always texting me asking how I'm doing, what I'm up to etc and always doing smiley faces in conversations and just seeming so happy to talk to me and always wanting to talk to me. Also always saying talk to you soon, talk later tonight and more smiley faces and that... Then she went really distant and weird for the next week... Then my flight was meant to be the day of the funeral, but I didn't feel comfortable travelling half way across the world just after my gran's funeral.

My ex then went mental at me when I said I wouldn't be home when I was meant to, and just asking question like, do you lose your money, what happens to your ticket, when will you be home then, etc and when I didn't say anything she got extremely pissed off at me. I asked why it mattered to her and she said it "you're right, it doesn't matter, i'll leave you alone"... I just asked why it was important to her to know and she was like its not important... I don't get this? Anyway, at the end of an awkward conversation, I said I was going down to Birmingham to stay with a friend. We never spoke while I was away. She text me 4 days later saying "hey hope you're doing okay :) any idea when you'll be back?". I never replied to this and less than 2 days later she sent a Facebook saying "Matt... where you at? Haven't heard from you in ages..."...

Seriously what's that all about? Since then it has been more of the same, so happy to talk to me, always asking how I am and what I'm up to and putting in smiley faces and always I'll see you later or talk later etc... I'm just so confused. I got over her and what had happened, but ever since she has been like this, I'm starting to miss everything again and I don't know what to do or say. Even though what's happened, I love her to pieces and I know we are right for each other and I just want to hold her :( This may not seem big, but last night at a party when she left, she text me asking if "i could take home her plastic bag with her new shoes and clothes in it, that was sitting in the dinning room"... I said yeah I can do that.. ).

I don't get why she is asking me to do it, when a lot of her close girlfriends were still at the party... Why not ask one of them to do it? Also earlier in the night and the party in January, she stood really close to me, like bumping my hand and sort of leaning into me and also she stood in front of me a few times and got so close that she was pushing her bum into my hand and body... :S Also, I'm going to a concert with just her on Saturday... Do you think that's a good idea? Do you think she still likes me/misses me or am I just dreaming? Any chance of working out together, whether its now or in the future? Thanks for reading

She dumped you & is now continuing using you.

She wants to be single and free, yet wants you on a string.

Doesn't work that way.

I would go NC. This is only going to get worse & more frustrating. Stop playing her game.

Get in control. The more time you spend w/o her, the better.

Thanks for the advice. As I say everyone still thinks she misses me and still really likes me. She's so confused and doesn't have a clue what she wants, its clearly obvious. Its just really hard to go NC with her. I don't want to play her games. Im hoping once being back at uni and that soon, things will die down and she'll be way to busy to contact me and really want anything to do with me. Do you think she wants me back or just playing games because she can?

She is trying to keep your attenton for sure but as to why is anyone's guess. Ask her why she is doing all this and get an answer. A definite answer. Then you won't be confused and I would have that talk before you go through this crap she I pulling.

Frankly, I can't see why you haven't asked her what up before now.

Yes.

You are still in denial.

Don't wait for anything. That's the problem. Isn't going to happen. Don't try anymore.

Its over.

Stop all contact, gossip, Facebook, whatever.

As soon as you accept this & move on, you won't have these questions.

You may think that she's it, but she's not.

The quicker you go NC & do it for good, the happier you will be.

BTW, those bumps on the hand & brushing into are just to keep you hanging on. Girls do that.

Don't let her. Take control & go NC. The only way, my man,

It is anyone's guess to why she is being this way. All my family and friends have said the same. Its blatantly obvious she is confused. I just haven't really had the chance to have a proper talk with her because I have been overseas. Thing is, I guess I'm scared, because I don't want to lose her friendship (if that's all I'm ever going to ave with her), so I'm scared if we have a proper talk, she will say I'm not acting like anything or she will just deny anything I say and then push me out of her life... So I guess that's why I haven't said anything...

Do I do it in a public place or where would I have this conversation with her? Any tips for it?

Text her for all its worth, and your fear of loing her friendship is stopping you from getting facts so its your fault, NOT HERS, that keeps you in confusion.

What happened to the gay guy??

Well its not my fault. But I see what you mean. She dumped me just out of the blue last year and came out with all that about wanting to find herself, be single for and while etc... Load of rubbish everyone says. She still has no clue about any of it.

Do you agree with 'vanheart' comments?

Im not really too sure. Its just what I've heard from everyone. She went off with him within a week saying they really liked each other. Then apparently a few weeks into whatever there thing was, she got turned down 5 times in the space of 4 days for intercourse... so she went to her girlfriends and my friends (we are all the same group of friends) and asked if he was gay and everyone said yeah and she was basically like oh... wow... Apparently there thing has been over for last month. He still comes to parties and hang outs, but they barely talk apparently.. Who knows.

You are projecting what she may be thinking. "Everyone still thinks..." " she's confused"... Forget about that. Who's everyone? You?

Your confused.

It's what she's doing & is proving to you is what you need to look at. Not hopeless gossip.

To answer your question:

No, she doesn't want you back. Sorry, man.

You are the one that needs to get busy. She already is.

Just a different take on this.

When she was doing the texting thing, she was being friendly, but from what you said, she didn't come across as wanting you back, or being particularly interested. Or so you thought. But her hand showed when your flight was cancelled, when she showed her true emotion of being deeply disappointed. For someone who was staying cool and uncommitted, the ticket did the trick in the truth coming out. Maybe even to herself. It could be that her words that caused the split in the first place, was something she regretted. She was testing the waters again with you, and when you took her at her word of remaining as 'friends', clearly she showed she felt more than friendship.

So, now that her true colours are showing, you really need to talk to this girl! Just come right out with it and ask her if she's interested in trying the relationship again. She's in, or she's out. It can't be both ways, and obviously for you, a friendship won't work.

She should be, in my opinion, not be crucified for changing her mind- if she's interested. At least she was honest enough with you when the two of you split, perhaps things have changed with her.

You will never know unless you talk to her and get it all out. A clear decision cannot otherwise be made; you will still remain guessing.

Comment on vanheart's post

In denial, probably 100% correct. I wish I wasn't but I'm trying so hard to just get past it, because although I want to be with her so badly, I know that it will 99% definitely not happen, which is rubbish, but not a lot I can do. I am keeping busy and getting out and about. Sport, friends etc, so its good. I got over everything until she started being the way through texting and msn and Facebook conversations that she started being over the past month, that has brought things up. I need to stop the contact as you say, which I'm only going to be able to do in a few weeks time. But at least it will happen. I wish it wasn't this way, but that's life right, move on.

I suppose you are correct in saying I'm the one projecting it, but when she tells me herself that's she's confused and doesn't know what she's doing and what she wants, kind of backs up my theory on the situation. Everyone is all of my girl/guy friends, brother, cousins and even her direct girl friends have all said that same thing, so it isn't mean being the 'everyone'. Im not that sad to make that kind of thing up. In my life I don't say things unless I've heard them elsewhere. Im not one to make up something that's not true.

In the response previous, I got over everything, but just way she has been with me etc over past 3 weeks, has brought it all back, so I'm re-confused basically.

If she doesn't want me back, even 1% chance, then why is she being and acting the way she is... that's what I do not get...

From what I said before, I am busy, with friends, sport, social life etc, especially when I was in UK and I've carried it on here again as only way to get through

Comment on Jake2008's post

Thanks for your reply. When she was doing the whole texting thing, I never thought that it was because she was interested or wanted me back, not once. I was more kind of annoyed because of the fact she was always wanting to know when I'd be back in New Zealand etc, and I didn't get why she wanted to know when she said she "didnt know if she could go from partners to friends in 2 months" (less than 2 months at this point) and she wanted space from me.. The flight thing was weird, as she went on and on and then got annoyed and when I wasn't telling her what was happening she then acted like it didn't matter... Is that normal?

Im not sure if she was/is testing the waters with me... If she is, I don't know what has happened would be enough to show that. I know if I went to her now or in the next week to have a proper talk, she would say I'm not interested and all that. Just a pure 100% feeling. I need to find out, but I don't want to get hurt again.

How should I do it/what should I do?

It's possible that she put up defenses on one hand, and on the other hand is trying to find out, before she invests herself emotionally, whether there is a chance with you.

She isn't going to profess love and reconcilliation to you, in 'a' text or 'a'phone call. She'll want to (maybe) retain some dignity, yet keep her defenses up for the most part, in case she is rejected. That way, she's not starting at ground zero again.

But, in my opinion, the only thing you can do is talk to her, in person if possible, and tell her that you are getting mixed messages. Her reaction to what was casual conversation that shouldn't have bothered her (ie not coming back to NZ when she thought you were), seemed to be more disappointment than it should have been to her. You are also confused with the volume of texts, and the nature of the texts, which is also confusing because you are no longer together. Those three things, the mixed messages, her reaction to you not returning when you were supposed to, and the volume and nature of the texts, IF she addresses them, should give you some idea of what's going on with her.

To me, it seems more that she has something to hide, other than she is interested in a friendship, and that could be, how to tell you she might be interested in more. The 'friendship' thing, is not friendship behaviour, it is more like girlfriend behaviour.

Being straight with her and expecting answers to the obvious, is the only way you will know what her intentions are. Try not to continue disecting crumbs, and see this more objectively. Without further information from her, you don't know what she's up to.

If she says, 'no, I am definitely NOT interested in being your girlfriend again', you will have your answer, and then move on and past her, with no contact. If she IS interested and stops beating around the bush, and wants to resume a relationship with you, if that is what you want, then proceed with caution, because there is always the possibility that she doesn't know what she wants, and that you seem a better alternative to simply being alone.

Everyone has an opinion, but the only ones that count are between you and her. That's why you have to be straight and upfront with questions and concerns from the beginning as this friendly chit chat, and her confusion is what's making you confused. So have the opinions of your friends and family.

You have enough facts already before you, to make an reasonable decision, and not be confused. For one she DUMPED you and pursued another, and when that didn't work, she is back to you. Another fact is her words and actions just don't match. If she truly wanted you back the way it was officially, why hasn't she told you that?

Instead of asking her questions you have fiddle F***d around with this nice guy full of false hope and let her run her program on you that leaves YOU as confused and crazy as she is.

She is not confused at all. She wants you available to her as a date and text buddy, and phone friend until she finds better. You are her emotional tampon while she figures things out, and then can make a decision, and without cheating because you are already broken up.

For all this to work her way, she has to make sure YOU don't heal and move on, or get fed up and decide to move on. I don't blame her at this point, because your false hope and confusion has allowed her to act this way, and you have the power within your hands to not only get the truth, but to end the confusion for yourself.

I know this is only my opinion, one among many, but for sure this isn't about her actions, or words, NEVER was! Its all about how you deal with the facts based upon the FACTS and not just YOUR FEELINGS for her. You can ask the questions you need answers to any time you please, and see things for yourself, instead of being so afraid to lose her you swallow any crap she gives you. Just make a decision, and get 'er done my friend, because dragging it out will drive you NUTS, because what's important is you start doing your own thing, AND NOT HERS.

I don't think it really matters how you get to the bottom of this, whether it's in person, email, a letter, etc.

If you aren't being forthright with her because you are afraid of losing a friendship, then you don't have much of a friendship to begin with.

Any relationship has to be based on trust. If you can't trust your mother, father, best friend, surgeon, minister, etc. to tell you the truth, how are you going to make a decision.

I see no way of knowing whether this is going to be a bandaide on a scratch, or major surgery, but you have to, in my opinion, make a decision to know one way or the other.

Otherwise, the confusion will keep going around and around, on both ends. Up to you.

I see what you are saying about putting up defenses on one hand and then leaving the other open. That does make a lot of sense.

I understand that she would never say she still likes me or what not through a text message or phone call. I do see what you are fully saying however.

I do need to talk to her and get it all out in the open and find out what is really going on, as you all say and I know, I cannot keep going on like this. What you say about the mixed messages and her reaction to the not coming home when I was meant to be, does make a lot of sense.

I fully agree. I think she has something else to hide and totally 100% when you say it is more like girlfriend behaviour. Too me, it feels more like girlfriend behaviour and NOT friendship.

I hear exactly what you are saying. Have questions and want definite answers is the only way and I will get it done. I need to know. I see what you are saying, that could get tricky if that was the case. I can only ask.

I have thought a lot about your comment when you say that if I'm afraid of losing a friendship, then it is not much of a friendship in the first place... I don't want to agree but after thinking about it, you are fully 100% correct. Why should I be scared. If there is going to be true friendship between us and I do say if, then I shouldn't be scared and I just need to get on with it. And the trust comment, again after thinking, you are again 100% correct. If she still wants a friendship or whatever happens, then she will give me answers I seek. If not, then she isn't worth the time and effort anymore. Whether now she should be worth the effort/time now... Well probably not.

Thanks a lot for your advice and help so far. It makes a lot of sense and is making me think of everything in a different way. So thanks

I do not know if this will help, but we are both 20 now. Started going out when we were 16 and split up just before she turned 20. I'm 6 months older than her

You are right, very right indeed. No one else's opinions matter apart from mines and hers. She is making me confused or otherwise I wouldn't be in this state and going on about the whole thing. As you've all said, I need to talk to her to find out what is going on, which I will be doing asap. Regarding the facts, you're right there too. Plenty of facts to make a proper decision, so I really should have made one by now... I do not know why she hasn't told me. Probably obvious answer is because she doesn't want me in that way, or it could be the fact that we have only seen each other in person 4 times in 3.5 months and each time has been at a party... Just a thought.

I had a bit of a laugh when you said the comment about emotional tampon, and to be fair, sounds quite right. Just all goes against what she told me all the way up to a week before she dumped me..

I say this a lot, but you are fully 100% right and I need to act and do my own thing

You don't need to do anything. To keep contact to get some answers why. Don't.

That's a fools game. You will never get it. & if you do, which is unlikely. It really doesn't matter.

That's always that emotional knee-jerk reaction when you get dumped.

You already know the result. Its over.
Doesn't matter if you're 25 or 45. No difference. Ive been dumped both those times.

Move on. Never contact her again. And if she does, ignore it.

It'll help in some character building.

Pull up your boots straps, man up. & Disappear.

Last couple of times we hung out over the past few days, she has been treating me like her boyfriend. I have done nothing to provoke any of this. Just thinks she can ask who I'm texting, who I've been hanging out with, what I've been doing and forcing me to do things, which I stupidly fell for, but not anymore. I myself agree with my friends that I've spoken to, is that she has no idea how to be friends with me after everything that has happened between us.

We were going to a party together as I drive and she doesn't. There were also 2 other friends in the car. The 3 girls were talking about being tanned from the sun. The 2 other girls are Asian girls and my ex is not. I have ginger hair and I'm Scottish, so obviously I more burn than tan haha however, the story went, that my ex was like "im more tanned than an Asian girl" and all 3 of them were like laughing and joking about it and all that and then my ex turned and said "see this is why i date gingers", while looking and smiling at me and putting her hand on my arm... I ignored that comment and was just like "just cause im Scottish and have ginger hair doesnt mean i dont tan" and laughing along and joking... What is with that comment that she did?

Ive been doing a lot of thinking and reading a lot on the internet and advice from friends, and looks best (now I totally agree) that NC is the only way to go. Ive fully realised that she's just using me to an extent to make herself happier and basically has the power in whatever form of relationship there is (including friends here).. I need to shift the power so I have the power back into my hands and I do not get walked over again. Ive taken drastic steps over the past 24 hours already. Hidden her from social networking sites, email, my phones, put away all the stuff between us so I don't have to look at it and I'm getting on with my life to sort it out and go where I want to be.

I'm basically just disappearing out of sight from her so it will either, a) make her wonder where I have gone and want to start contacting me and all that/maybe miss me a lot more and want to try get back with me or b) I will know for sure that there is no hope in even being friends and that will defo be us over.

Think that sounds like the best logical way of doing things?

Disappearing is good. Disappearing and moving on is better. Friends?? Are you crazy or something??

Maybe I am crazy, but I know there is no chance of us being friends. Its blatantly obvious and as I point out above in a few examples, she hasn't a clue how to be friends. So there isn't much hope, not that I'm really bothered. Today was day 1 of the whole no contact thing, and I couldn't actually careless about wanting anything to do with her.

I also only say friends, because me and her have the same group of friends that meet up very often in the summer holidays and in holidays during the university year, that's why I only say friends and that it will be hard in that situation