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    garule's Avatar
    garule Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    May 3, 2012, 04:58 AM
    The Ex Dilemma?
    I'm a 29 year old woman sharing a house with my friend (a girl my age); half a year ago my boyfriend moved in with us. We get along great and all is fine.

    This girl and I have been friends since we were 17; we have a very tight knit group of friends, which involves the two of us and three guys. We've all been friends since I was 17. We don't get to see each other very often, some of us live far away, etc etc, but we do try to get back together whenever we happen to be in our hometown. My boyfriend doesn't know them because I now live far away.

    One of these friends came to visit in the fall last year, and it was nice catching up and getting to spend time with him. My boyfriend did meet him and quite liked him.

    Now the other two guys want to come visit. The problem is, I used to date one of them when I was 17-21. We remained good friends and we both enjoy the company of our friends.

    But my boyfriend doesn't like the idea. He doesn't want my ex in our house. I think my ex is more of a friend than an ex (it's been YEARS!) - plus, he's also my roommate's friend. I'm conflicted. I really want them to come visit. They're great guys and my boyfriend can't possibly have anything personal against him. I see it as once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for all of us to get together - my roommate will be moving out soon, plus it's really complicated for the other two to get organized - one lives out of the country, etc etc, and for once they got their act together and decided to come for a visit..

    On one hand, I want my boyfriend to be happy, but on the other hand, I'm afraid to let him control my friendships, my visits, etc. I want to be able to see my friends. He's the guy I'd like to spend my life with, but I don't want to doom myself to a life with no friends. I don't want to blow it, but I do want him to understand. As I said, I live far from my friends and I would really enjoy their company from time to time.

    Am I being reasonable at all? I know I probably shouldn't invite the two friends in order to keep peace but it makes me miserable.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,262, Reputation: 10853
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    #2

    May 3, 2012, 08:14 AM
    Makes you miserable if they don't come, makes him miserable if they do come. A challenge but not a dilemma, because you will talk and work out something that works for you both, like a dinner, instead of an extended visit, or sleep over/stay with. Maybe two dinners. ALL of you, including your boyfriend.

    Propose this compromise, and stress the need for him to be a total part of it.

    Much Luck!
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #3

    May 3, 2012, 11:37 AM
    While your ex is in town, only see him when your boyfriend is around, explain to him how your feelings are gone romantically and that there is only a friendship left. If he is unable to understand your point of view because of his personal insecurities, that is something that he has to deal with, not you.

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