Hi there. This is kind of a long one, so I apologize in advance.

D. and I met in college during our senior year. We broke up shortly after we graduated, but got back together a few months later, realizing that we missed one another. We then dated long-distance for a year and a half, and things were good. Okay, yes, I had my temptations here and there, and occasionally acted on them, which was a problem, and I look back on that as a self-destructive and/or experimental phase of my life. I had my transgressions, but I never loved anyone but D. Then, I met M.

I didn't set out to fall for M. but I did. He's sweet, sensitive, adoring, and probably the kindest person I've ever met. I can trust him. He didn't go on a job for which he would have been paid $3,000 (for a couple days) just to spend time with me. Within a week or two, we'd said "I love you."

So, I had to stop lying before things went further. I broke things off with D. The breakup was awful and a complete mind, for lack of a better word. It left me an emotional wreck. I needed a little alone time afterwards to pick up the pieces, so to speak. M. was happy I did what I did, and appreciated that it wasn't easy.

Now that I've been with M. for a few months, things are still good. We rarely have arguments, but nothing too heated, and it's always a result of that we are both sensitive people and sometimes take things the wrong way. He still loves me just as much, and I do love him... and would love him more if I didn't have these doubts creeping into my head.

The doubts:
1. His job. He's a professional guitarist. Part of what makes me love him is his passion for what he does, and I'd never make him give it up. That said...
A. work is not always stable, jobs do not always flow in.
B. The job requires him to be away on tour sometimes. I get lonely when he's away (but it is a great chance to occupy myself with interests and friends, and to rediscover each other when we're back in proximity.) I worry about explaining why Daddy's gone to our kids - and taking care of them myself, plus having a career! Hopefully M's career will become a little more stable... but I can't bank on it.
C. I worry about making more money than my spouse - specifically, that it could breed resentment (of course, that could change!)

2. His friends and family. They are nice people, but a lot of them are kind of losers with no ambition. One friend is 35 and still lives in his parents' basement. Another friend is 24 and still hasn't even gotten his associate's degree because he's too busy doing drugs, reading the Beats, and being depressed. M's family is, again, incredibly nice - his mom is definitely where he gets his sweet nature from - but no ambition at all. NONE of his siblings went to college, and I'm not sure even his dad did. Meanwhile, just about everyone my family and I know went to college or has kids who are attending college. It's just a different socioeconomic background, I guess, and I think my parents will not accept him because they'll think he's "bringing me down." They want me to do BETTER for myself.

3. I worry that he may never leave the area where he grew up - and I don't want to live there. Scratch that - there are certain towns in that area where I wouldn't mind living. Either way, I don't want to feel tied to living in one state my whole life just because he doesn't want to change. We haven't discussed this and probably should.

4. He smokes weed a lot. I do rarely (only w/him) but he seems to do it almost for medicinal purposes. It just doesn't seem like something that a 32-year-old should be doing. Perhaps I'm being old-fashioned.

5. My parents share my concerns - to an unhealthy, exponential degree. When we had barely started dating, I told them about him. They were horrified by that he's 7 years older and that he's a rock musician. I just don't think they will ever get over this. I seriously don't even think they'd attend my wedding - and if they did, they'd do it with cross looks on their faces. My mother would be ashamed to tell her friends about him (I know this because she told me outright.) I'm not sure I could live with this.

I haven't mentioned M. to them since. For all they know, I'm single.

All these factors have put doubts into my head. Now I wonder if I should get back with my ex (assuming he'd give me the chance.) There was really nothing wrong with him, aside from that our relationship was getting a little stale - comfortable, like old sweatpants, but also kind of ratty. I wondered if it was normal for this to happen so soon into a relationship, particularly a long-distance one. He's going to be a scientist, is 7 months my junior, and is a very level-headed guy. We got along well - our senses of humor matched, taste in music (to a certain extent), we both READ (I've never seen M. with a book, which concerns me.) He was a very stable person to have in my life. I could see what our life together would be like, and it was comfortable, for sure. Financial security, kids at some point, we both wanted to live in the country some day. A lot of our values were similar, and I think we did grow as a couple.

I greatly appreciate any and all insights. Thank you for reading.

Hi Afwee,
I think that switching between people isn't fair to any of your SO... You are going to have these doubts until you realize that you owe your happiness only to yourself. When you love yourself enough to live a complete life by yourself, grow and share the love you have without conventions, then you'll know for sure who the ONE is.
I would suggest working on yourself to find what YOU (not your parents or anyone else) want, who YOU are, and stop hurting people you're with.
Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh. Good luck.

To add to that - you're voicing all of your concerns here when you haven't run them by your boyfriend..
What you need to do is talk to him.. You may find that he has no future plans for your relationship and you are wasting your time.. You may find that he is willing to compromise and alter his lifestyle in order to make things work..
But to be honest I'm sure you knew all of those things before you got into a relationship with him - so I don't consider it fair for you to ask him to change for you. Since you are troubled though , the way to go is communication.
But like Ulysses rightly said I think you need to focus on yourself first. Your last paragraph where you consider "switching" lovers troubled me immensely..
-
You "love someone" - but he doesn't offer you financial security
You "love someone" - but you find his friends are losers
You "love someone" -but you worry that your parents will not approve
- These are all things you should consider, CONSIDERING a future is in store for the two of you.. talk to him first.
BUT
You "love someone" - but are having second thoughts because your ex offers you:
-financial security
-e.t.c
-e.t.c
That's just wrong.

It really isn't fair for "M" or "D" to be stuck in the middle of your indecision. It's fine for you to not know what you want, but when you interfere in people's lives and continually change your mind - it just isn't fair.

In addition, it troubles me how you say you want to "go back to "go back to "". You seem to talk as if you were so great he would be crazy not to take you back - after you left him for someone else not too long ago. This sort of attitude makes me feel as if you aren't quite ready to handle the possibility of a permanent relationship.

Sorry if I mis-interpreted, but that last paragraph really threw off a conceited vibe.

You have too much work to do on yourself, to even be a good mate. Leave them both alone, and find out who you are, and what you want.

Thanks for the advice, even though everyone here clearly is of the opinion that I'm some kind of conceited jerk.

Just for the record, the reason I said "assuming he'd take me back" is because there really wasn't any purpose in running through the scenario of what if he doesn't. I guess I suck as a communicator, too (duh, right?)

I think what I'm getting from this board is what I knew all along: I need to voice my concerns in a truthful but non-asinine manner. If he runs off screaming, then it wasn't meant to be. Being alone isn't the end of the world - I just hope to find the courage to do it.

No just young.

That's not what I was implying, I was merely stating that it seemed as though you might not be ready for a relationship of that magnitude. Perhaps some time for you to discover who you are is best for you -- without anyone else.

I agree, communication is vital to any relationship.

That's why we're here, to help out when you need a boost.

Good luck