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    gahh's Avatar
    gahh Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 27, 2008, 10:40 PM
    The evil demon: jealousy
    I have been dating a guy for the past year and a half but to give a background, he liked me for 3 years before we started dating. We had tried once before but I was not into him and had broken it off. We took a break for about 6 months and in that time he tried to see other girls, one in particular named Bailey. Now, reverting back to the current situation, she visited for the past week since she moved to another state and he, a couple, and her hung out altogether and alone the entire time. (I was so busy with work that I couldn't be involved.) Now, he claims they are just friends but a few signals and actions made me jealous

    1. She was drawing/fake tattooing all over his body and getting way too close for comfort and he defended the situation
    2. Whenever he would try to do something for attention, he always would look at her immediately, even if I were in the room
    3. Would always try to spend time with her
    4. He would claim to be tired and want to go to bed and then when he would see her, say online, and would tell me never mind, but not say it was because of her but another reason (which I found out that it WAS her he was eager for)

    Now, I am dealing with jealousy issues, obviously, and I know that in my head I have no reason to be jealous since he has liked me for so long, but I still feel in my heart that she has something either that I don't have or just he is attracted to her more. Am I going insane, or should I really be worried? And if I am really just going insane, is there any steps I can do to become for secure in myself and this relationship, because really.. I want this to work, but it feels helpless.

    Lastly, if there is a problem, and I am taking a 4 day trip with him this weekend, is there any way I can bring up the conversation without him shutting down?
    sokay's Avatar
    sokay Posts: 142, Reputation: 14
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    #2

    Jun 27, 2008, 10:56 PM
    I wouldn't be too comfortable with any of that.

    It could be totally innocent. But you know, when you're in a relationship with someone, I think integrity dictates that your actions should be 'above reproach'. His, well I wouldn't say they couldn't cause a bit of doubt.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #3

    Jun 27, 2008, 11:26 PM
    Jealousy is the gift you give your guy to make him feel helpless to defend himself.
    Jealousy is the gift you give yourself to undermine what IS with stuff that isn't.

    Jealousy is the favorite pastime of the clingy, needy person who is more interested in being in control of everything including their mate, rather than be fair.

    Jealousy says "I think something bad, now YOU make me feel better."
    Jealousy says, "I have a problem and you need to change or I will punish you."
    Jeralousy is all about you even though you're thinking about them... it's still really ALL about you.

    Jealousy can be cute when you recognize it for what it is and playfully point it out letting your guy know you've got issues, but when you AIM it at him, it's not cute. It's a vile weapon and no person can defend against jealousy...

    Well, no, I lied. There is one defense against jealousy. Departure. If your guy is healthy, he won't put up with your jealous insecurities trying to control him. He'll leave.

    Maybe he's not healthy and will put up with it, that's always a possibility.

    So, is your question on jealousy aimed at him, or at you?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Jun 28, 2008, 06:44 AM
    Look at it like his, why should you suffer for his boorish behavior?? Don't, speak your mind and call him the idiot that he is, and wish him happy life with her.

    I don't think its right to put up with this kind of behavior or treatment, without dealing with it DIRECTLY. What have you got to lose? A boyfriend who doesn't know how to respect his woman?
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #5

    Jun 28, 2008, 06:57 AM
    It is never good to stay with someone when their heart is with someone else.
    He can deny it all he wants but something about her he is attracted to.
    victoria_mitchell's Avatar
    victoria_mitchell Posts: 242, Reputation: 32
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    #6

    Jun 28, 2008, 01:12 PM
    Honestly I would tell him that you trust him soooo much but that you don't trust her. Tell him that you want him to not see her for YOU.

    "Babe, I trust you so much I would never think you would do anything to hurt me, but Bailey, I don't really trust her and since I know that you would never intentionally hurt me I am asking you to please not talk to her or see her anymore for me, because it bothers me."

    Putting the blame on yourself always. Try to stay away from "You said" or "Well you did this" Just take the responsibility and if he's the right guy for you he will stop interacting with her for you, so that you feel comfortable.
    teezee's Avatar
    teezee Posts: 27, Reputation: -1
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    #7

    Jun 29, 2008, 02:25 AM
    Lol. Okay news flash, you seem to know the answer to your own question. The guy is interested in someone else. What I don't get is why he is seeing other girls on your "break" and why the hell are you allowing it?! A break is a time off to get yourself back in gear and not a ticket to rendezvous with any walking creature you see. If he starts seeing someone on your break, obviously he is interested in that person. And with all the signs, you know within you that he is interested in someone else. Don't spend all your time begging someone to fall in love with you. If they don't want to communicate about issues, then nothing can grow from that point and you need to just move on already. He is clearly leading you on when he should have left you officially for the girl he is really interested in. Don't allow him to continue to play you for a fool
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #8

    Jun 29, 2008, 06:21 AM
    When somebody tells a guy they want a break unless they say they want a break for a week or within reason. Why should he sit around waiting 6 months for something that may not happen. Many guys/girls that say they want a break and it is just so they can wean AWAY from the relationship because they do not want to face a real out and out break up.
    When one tells the other they want a break they have to face the consequences of the other finding somebody else.
    Once they discuss getting back together though the one that is seeing somebody else should make a definite decision one way or another though and make it clear.
    sokay's Avatar
    sokay Posts: 142, Reputation: 14
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    #9

    Jun 29, 2008, 11:42 AM
    Or..

    Jealousy is... that little voice in your head telling you that your man is clearly behaving as if his loyalties, time, attention, attraction, and affection is divided between you and another woman.

    Not a good recipe for a healthy relationship in my book.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #10

    Jun 29, 2008, 04:27 PM
    ... you're right, listening to "little voices" in your head when deciding whether to make your mate's life miserable... that is "not a good recipe for a healthy relationship." Little voices should always lose out to facts.

    I'm not saying ignore behavior, far from it. I'm saying DO NOT DRAW CONCLUSIONS from suspicions. Ever. Don't do it. Don't accuse, don't believe, don't "be sure", don't "I just know it", and don't aim those suspicions at your mate.

    Talk to them about the suspicions if you must, but until ACTUAL evidence is staring you in the face, deferring to the "little voices" is a loser approach more often than not.

    JB - repeating myself.
    sokay's Avatar
    sokay Posts: 142, Reputation: 14
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    #11

    Jun 29, 2008, 08:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JBeaucaire
    ...you're right, listening to "little voices" in your head when deciding whether or not to make your mate's life miserable ...the is "not a good recipe for a healthy relationship." Little voices should always lose out to facts.

    I'm not saying ignore behavior, far from it. I'm saying DO NOT DRAW CONCLUSIONS from suspicions. Ever. Don't do it. Don't accuse, don't believe, don't "be sure", don't "I just know it", and don't aim those suspicions at your mate.

    Talk to them about the suspicions if you must, but until ACTUAL evidence is staring you in the face, deferring to the "little voices" is a loser approach more often than not.

    JB - repeating myself.

    Obviously I'm not saying 'little voices' literally JB (I thought that was kind of obvious).

    Nor would I advise her that she has no right to ever be jealous as a blanket statement, as that is a normal human emotion.

    I certainly never advised her to not speak to him about her suspicions.Talking about it first is a very good idea, and is also not a 'magic pill' that will necessarily solve the problem. His actions have been questionable, so... will they change after talking? Not sure about that. Further I think she would have figured out the part about talking to him first herself.

    Your initial advice wasn't about whether she'd first talked to him about it, but more along the lines of jealousy never being appropriate, with which I disagree. Sometimes jealousy and insecurity are warranted. And sometimes that 'Gut Feeling' (No, I don't mean 'Gut Feeling' literally), is telling you something you need to listen to.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #12

    Jun 30, 2008, 02:05 AM
    It was ME, not you, who could have been misread as saying "always ignore" suspicions, which is why I clarified. That was aimed at my own argument, not yours. And I agree, talking may not solve anything, because jealousy USUALLY results in not solving anything.

    Meanwhile, I stand firmly by my comments about voices speaking negativity into your ear, whether those voices be imagined or real comrades. In the lack of actual evidence, ACTUALLY putting credence in "thoughts" generated by jealousy and insecurites is a pure recipe for disaster.

    I realize you're arguing the exception, that sometimes there might be something going on. Granted, that could be happening, people are idiots, I get that. So as to not be misunderstood, I get what you're saying completely. It's just a loser position when pursued based on suspicion alone. It makes good movies, though.

    I say that because this situation is like a "gambler's mentality"...gamblers lose and lose their money in the slot machines but every now and then, their gut feeling telling them to play a little more, gamble a little more pays off. And they are falsely encouraged. So they start to heed their instincts. Casinos RELY on you listening to your instincts since gambling is practically never about reality, it's almost always random, and our feelings of "insight" cost us money. BUT, at least we're having fun, right?

    Jealousy is the same way. Sure, occasionally there might be something there, but thinking those instance warrant that predominant use and effect of jealousy on a relationship is completely wrong. Jealousy and insecurity, EVEN IF WARRANTED, is a loser emotion, a loser emotion we all have to master.

    If you want to save your relationship, whether he's cheating or not, jealousy won't help. Insecurities won't help. And they CERTAINLY won't help if he's NOT cheating. It does not help in any way, doesn't help you fix it, doesn't help you protect yourself, and certainly does not equip you with any insights as to how to stop it if it IS happening. For THAT to occur, your jealousies / insecurities need to be controlled so you can face FACTS, deal with ACTUAL realities, suspicions STILL are just unproven thoughts.

    I'm not sure how far I want to take this debate, but so far it's still interesting. I don't want to bore people or the OP.

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