Hi,

I know this may seem like a dumb question, but please just hear me out.

I've been with a girl for more than 2 years and we have been engaged for about 6 months. She loves me a lot and I love her too, but since we have been planning the wedding stuff, she is always getting stressed out and anxious and keeps telling me she is not OK with it, and not ready for it, and doesn't want it.

So I tell her OK then, we'll wait, but then she says if she doesn't do it now, then she never will, so she will just push herself, which is not what I want. I don't want to marry someone who is forcing themselves to be with me.

I know she loves me, but it seems like a wedding day is very hard for her, and she has too many fears about marriage. But at the same time, she does not want to lose me. Due to us being Christians, we can't move in together and stuff, so we either date and get married, or just date, which will end eventually.

We are not young, I'm 25 and she is 28 next month.

She just keeps telling me how she doesn't think she is the marriage type, doesn't want to have kids, is not wife material.

This has me really freaked out, because I keep telling her OK, we'll wait, but then she doesn't want to, then I say OK, we'll call the whole thing off, but she doesn't want that either, because then she knows she will lose me.

I don't know what to do about this. I guess I'm thinking there are people out there who are just not meant for marriage. Do you agree? If you have any advice or examples, please let me know. Thanks

I do believe that marriage is not for everyone. There are people that can live together and be happy for the rest of their lives and never have to marry. The thing is, in your situation she agreed to marry you. She said yes, if she didn't want to get married or felt as if marriage was not for her why not tell you that when you popped the question? I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we live together and have a daughter. We do talk about marriage, but it doesn't feel like we ever really HAVE to do it, as I believe that it won't change the love that we have for each other. There are lots of people that are going to disagree with me, but for me marriage is just a piece of paper and a reason to throw a party. It will not make you guys love each other more. In my opinion at least.

This comment seems rather odd to me blacky , so if you just date it will end eventually?? :confused:

I would definitely not venture into marriage if both party's were not fully committed to it , that's fraught with danger in my opinion.

No need to be confused. The OP is strangely in tune with the reality of dating. It is not a lifetime hobby. Especially if HE is dating to find a mate and she is not. It will definitely end, in that case. Don't you agree?

Yes indeed, you are correct.

My additional advice to the OP is to not miss the importance of what she is telling you. People are NOT intelligent when it comes to matters of the heart. They operate on instinct and most people have truly crappy instincts. They love when they shouldn't love and they bail when they shouldn't bail.

*sigh*

Anyway, we can advise you, but you need to step back a bit and do some harsh analysis of your girl. If you love her you will do this. No one is in a better position to accurately gauge if she's just got an awful case of cold feet or is truly a bad wife-choice. At the moment she seems to be signaling that you will be sorry if you marry her.

Could she be right? You may already know the answer and your "love" is keeping you from behaving intelligently. Or... she is truly a giving and selfless person you KNOW would be an awesome mate and she's just jittery.

Which is it?

It's your life, you only pass down this road once. Making LIFE choices intelligently is FAR more important than making love last. It is a fallacy that your love is enough for both of you. It is romantic nonsense that love conquers all. It doesn't. Love BEARS all things, it doesn't conquer them. By that, I mean you may love her enough to not mind you both being miserable. But that's not the kind of love I think you're after.

So, analyze this situation intelligently. If SHE's right, love her enough to not make her into something she's not. That's great love.

One way to gauge jbeu's good advice is take a look at the close relationships around her,her parents are they together? Is it a healthy relationship? She may just have bad examples of marriage around her giving her the feeling that she won't be any better.Also does your church or place of worship have a couples class for those contemplating marriage if not find one,they are real helpful in answering some of these questions your having

Blacky, I think that you need to listen to what she's telling you.

I know you're seemingly getting mixed messages, but what I hear is confusion and uncertainty on her part. (She wants, she doesn't want, she's scared, she's not scared.)

I hear that she's not ready for the commitment of marriage at this moment in time. Which is not to say that she won't change her mind, but you can you live hoping for the future?

Essentially you need to decide what you want to do. Hard I know!

1. Do you want to stay with her, and wait until such time as she is ready?
2. Do you want to stay with her and forget about marriage?
3. Do you want to move on and have a relationship with someone that wants to marry you?

Essentially I guess you must decide what is most important to you, and if getting married at this moment in time is important, then perhaps this girl is not right for you. However, if you can put it on the back burner and forget about getting married to her, then you can continue as you are.

I think that the real question is not whether there are some people out there that are not meant for marriage, but, how important is marriage to you?

I can relate to you because my fiancé and I are going through the wedding planning stuff as well. It is common to get stressed out about it, lord knows my fiancé gets stressed out about it. Finding the right dress, where to sit people, where not to sit people, do we do a dollar dance, kind of cake. It is stressful, it's a lot of decisions that they have to make.(I say they, because even though we are present, rarely do we have a say)

I think you need to sit her down and talk to her, gauge how she is feeling. Is it just the stress or is it her true feelings about not wanting to get married? Communication with her will solve a lot of these questions

We keep talking about what she wants and don't want, but what about what YOU want?

You seem so flexible that you can live with any situation right? Maybe your flexibility is giving her a bit of insecurity. Cause it sounds like you can flick a switch on and off anytime. Why don't you figure out what you want and then tell her. But also let her know that you are OK with other options if that's what she wants. But definitely give her a firm position on your feelings.

Then, sit her down and talk it out with her. Figure out what she wants. You're just going to have to keep talking and possibility go in circles until you sort this one out. Just remember, communication is key.

Thanks four your comments everyone. They are all great.

Basically, since I'm of Indian decent, I guess marriage is something important to me and my family. Its more of a cultural thing I guess, but since she is from New Zealand, I guess she doesn't see marriage as anything very important. It is not a MUST in her mind.

As for her family, well, her mother was married, divorced her first husband, was about to get married again to my fiance's dad, but he passed away in an accident. Her whole life, she has never seen any positive relationships or marriages till her brother got married. Then she saw it could be good, but she then didn't think she was the wife type, looking at her sister-in-law.

As for me, since I'm 25, I don't have to get married right now. I guess in the future I would like to get married, have a family and stuff, but I don't feel the pressure to do it right now.

She on the other hand has never seen marriage in her future, till she met me, she says. Since she is 28, she is worried that if she does decide to have kids, she has to do so by the age of 30, which is not too far away for her. But she is still unsure if she even wants kids. Its quite a worry for me as she is very unsure of a lot of things in her life. She seems to know what career she wants to do and stuff, but more than that is still a mystery even to her.

I'm not really that flexible. I have told her I want to get married, settle down and have a family, have a real life. Im much more stable and mature than a lot of guys my age so I believe this is the next step in my life. But I do not want to force her to marry me, so I tell her if she doesn't want to, fine.

It may seem odd to you, but I believe eventually the dating thing must come to a point. Since I can't move in and live with a woman I date, my dating time is more like my courting time, and if we don't get married after a certain amount of time, then it has to end. I don't think dating for the next 10 years for me is an option, because the relationship becomes kind of stagnant and we don't progress to any new levels.

Thanks again for all the advice, and I will go talk to her. I doubt it's the wedding stress that is causing her to freak out, judging by some of the things she says to me, not just about the wedding day, but about after too. I don't see how her saying she will not be a good wife has any connection to the wedding day.

Well, I will talk to her about it and decide for myself if this is something I want to get into or not. Her fears and low self-esteem may be so deeply embedded in her that there would be no happy marriage if we did get married.

Lots to ponder... but thanks again...

Hey Blacky,

I think you need really listen to what she is telling you. She isn't ready.

I'll be getting married at the end of this year and yes planning a wedding is stressful but I don't tell him I don't want to get married. Or I don't want any kids but I guess that is too late since we already have one. :-O

Your wants and her wants are different and I would hate to see the two of you get divorce or she starts resenting you because she feels force.

I agree, the last thing I want is a divorce, and yeah I guess its true, we do want different things, but then again, we connect so well on so many other levels.

Its hard to just weigh up the pros and cons and see which side wins because its not always about quantity but quality.

I guess it is true, that I should listen to her, but she switches from day to day, saying she wants it and will do it, to she can't do it and its just not her. :confused:

Well I'm not so sure the 2 of you should be marrying at this stage if there's any doubt , let alone so much doubt.

Particurly after reading some of your other threads about this situation , its seems to have been an ongoing concern for a while now.

True, it has been an ongoing concern, but when we decide not to get married, she gets upset and wants to do it, says she will do it, because she does not want to lose me. Now I know this is not the reason to get married, but we both do love each other a lot and want to be together, so this is the only want.

I have left her before, for about a month, and she came back to me, asking for another chance, saying she will do whatever it takes to be with me, that she wanted to marry me and be with me properly, I believed her, and we were OK for a while, but then all this happened.

What makes it harder that is that both our families are excited about all this, she has a dress and my sisters, who she asked to be bridesmaids, have dresses too, so about 30% of things are organized. I know I shouldn't worry about these things if its just not right, but I'm still lost as to what to do. Should I just call everything off for good, or put things on hold?

Geez
That's a hard one , I don't want to tell anyone not to marry or be with someone when I don't know the full story and none of us really know how each of you feel.

I just don't think its healthy to go into marriage if BOTH party's aren't fully committed to it. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life , not one filled with confusion and doubt.

Just my take on it and I could be totally wrong.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=4442756
Let her be upset, as she wants to but don't get married. She is not ready, but she wants to give you what you want. That's called doing what it takes to keep the peace, but is hardly a commitment.

Don't be confused, but do be cautious.

As Taliman has pointed out, you have posted many times concerning the problems with your relationship. Maybe if you go back and read your old posts, you will see the pattern that we are seeing. Marriage is a big decision and a big commitment. If I were you I would not move forward with the marriage without first going to couples counseling.

Ooh Blacky, I'm so sorry, but I think that you need to put it on hold. Listen to your guts, you've got concerns, and deep down so has she.

She has to commit to working out what she wants to do - put the marriage on hold, ask her to go and see a professional counsellor. You're going to have to be tough regardless of wedding arrangements and bridesmaids!

Do not go into a marriage with this dynamic between you and these concerns. It's a disaster waiting to happen otherwise.

I think she is not ready for commitment yet, she still wants to explore the world before settling down but I do believe if someone truly loves you the would want to marry you.

If you are looking for something like commitment, marriage and kids and she is looking for something totally different, it might be wise to look for someone that shares your perspective.

- My opinion only.

Blacky, you can't marry someone hoping they will change.

So much of what I read in your posts says that this will not end well.

She's not sure she wants kids, you know you do, you can't decide this after marriage, it has to be discussed before hand.

She's not sure she wants to get married, you don't want to date forever, you want to settle down. There doesn't seem to be a compromise here.

Better to discuss all these things now, get them out in the open, figure out what both of you want.

Am I saying don't marry her? No. I'm saying don't marry her until you both know exactly what you want.

Thanks people.

I guess I will have to talk to her and tell her we'll put things on hold. She will not like this, as she said if she doesn't do it soon, she probably will never do it. Its weird how she sometimes is totally for it and is happy, and at others she is not happy about it at all.

I agree, we shouldn't get into a marriage without sorting all this stuff out first, and we have been talking about it for a while, but we do end up going around in circles.

I don't believe she is marrying me just to keep the peace, because she did want to get married to me, or else she wouldn't have said yes, but she is just scared and unsure about things, so I think you guys are right, it is best to put things on hold and work through our issues and problems, and see what happens