My boyfriend and I had been dating for just over 2 years... we had a wonderful relationship for the most part. In January we started to argue a bit- mostly because his partying habits had escalated recently. I mentioned it to him and he said he had been unhappy about fighting too... so much so that he confessed he had looked for an angagement ring for me, had it set, but the fighting began and he panicked- called the jeweler and had it sold to someone else!!
At first I almost choked on my food that day that he had he even told me that during our lunch chat. Then he said that's where he was emotionally and wanted to work on things to get there again- I agreed and for the next few months things were great. We planned a nice vacation together- well, I planned it. But we had a great time on it in may. What freaked me about it was that he had asked his friends (married couple) to join us. Normally id have no problem with that but the fact that they were BIG party people made me a bit uneasy as I had planned this trip to be relaxing for US. He reassured me that it wouldn't jeoprodize our time together- and for the most part it didn't. Minus one night where I said, "please lets compromise on going to bed by 3am so we can have a nice beach day tomorrow." he agreed but when 3 am rolled around he was begging me to stay out later!! I refused- which made me look like a bratty girlfriend, but whatever, we had a deal!
Anyway, a month later I find myself frustrated with the fact that I feel I'm putting all the effort in any plans together for us, and I decided to mention it to him. I also mentioned that he hadn't signed up for one class to finish his degree (class never transferred but he walked at graduation). I told him I had helped him get the info for th class and he obvs. Had the money from the stimulus check- I just didn't get hwy he wouldn't take the class. He flipped on me and said he just didn't want to- I said he didn't want to better himself and I shouldn't have to push him to do so. Mind u- I'm 25, he's 26. This was a class from 2005!

The conversation escalated to our break up- he said he wasn't happy, he didn't feel excited anymore about hanging out with (THAT KILLED ME), he was content with his life right now, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. Every time I tried to compromise or suggest a fix to an issue- he could take the class online id help, we could make plans we both liked to do, we could party in ways we both enjoyed- he'd just say he didn't know. I asked how could you go from wanting the same things I did out of this to not knowing?? He said he thought he wanted a life together soon, but now that he's 26 he wasn't sure. I told him he obviously didn't want to try anymore and he wanted to break up- so he should just say it. At this point we were both hysterically crying and he finally said "my gut is telling me we should break up and if i realize in time i made the biggest mistake of my life, i'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness."
I was devastated and all I could manage to say was "its not me this time its you. this your issue.....but please come back to me." and I left.
This was a month and a half ago. I've been miserable... ive been doing evrything I can not to call (its been 10 days now with nc), trying to talk to family, hang out with friends, etc... maybe it was cold feet? Maybe I nagged too much? WHAT HAPPENED??

He was ready and you weren't. Now you're ready and he's not. I really think his partying really got in the way as you are not a party girl. Imagine what it would be like being married to party boy in 5 years when you are stuck at home with some rug rats and can't join him as you are pregnant again. Unless he grows up a whole lot real soon, I would suggest that you go shopping elsewhere. Yes, living without someone is hard, but think about your life in the future with Mr. Party Boy. How much fun is that going to be for you? I really don't see much fun unless YOU become Miss Party Girl and join him OR find Mr. I Don't Party Boy.

When we first dated he partied a lot but so did I. I guess we just grew apart- or actually I matured and he stayed in the Animal House mode.
We haven't talked much except to exchange belongings. He was so into a future one point and after that January conversation I feel like he just reverted backwards... is it possible he'll realize and want to change?
I just don't want to be the responsible one in this. I want it to be 50/50... so I've gone nc so he can realize it on his own. Any experts out there have an opinion?

You were ready to start a life, he didn't want to better himself and take the class. You both had wants and the other just didn't fit into the mold. Simply put, you weren't compatible, keep with the NC

So there's no hope?

There's an old saying my dad told me after me and my ex broke up and I asked him if there was still hope. "Hope is what people do when they have not logical reason to hold on anymore"

Its so hard to let go. I know there's no logical reason. Your dads right. He might never change. If he wasn't willing to put effort in when he had me... why would he when I'm gone? And I know I should "move on"... what exactly is moving on?? I don't want to date someone else yet- I'm totally in love with him.
I was blindsided- didn't see the signs till after, or I chose to ignore them and make them less of an issue than they were.
How do I force myself to let go? :(

Moving on is nothing more than a state of mind, you start it by deleting ways to contact or find out information about him. After you're done this, go out with friends, enjoy your life and it will slowly get better with each day.

Don't think about the past, you can't rewrite so why relive it?

Sweetie, I'm sorry for your heartbreak. But the most important thing for you right now is to start taking steps to "move on." I hate that term "move on" because its so nebulous... I mean really, what does it truly mean?

Basically, to move on means to start focusing on your future - your bright shiny possibilities - rather than your past. Believing that around the next corner is an amazing opportunity... not a person... but a chance for happiness in yourself. The most important component in healing after a break up is knowing that you're going to be OK in you, for you, and because of you . Not in another man, for another man, or because you want another man.

Don't think that moving on means starting to date again, because that's not the case. Moving on means finding out, once again, what makes you, you. What makes YOU happy, what brings a smile to YOUR face, what YOU believe in, and what YOU can do. Focus on that.

Find a new hobby, join a gym, go on a vacation just for you, start a journal, take long bubble baths with your favorite books, start to find new ways to enjoy your job... and before you know it, you'll be OK. You'll be in a better place than you were before, and you'll find out that you have an amazing personality to offer the world.

Go on into your bright shiny future... don't focus on what you've lost, but upon what you can achieve.

We're all here for you - we've all been exactly where you are. I wish you the best. :)

Thanks HistorianChick... I've been doing all that, guess I got to do more. Its this longing and loneliness... and just companionship that I miss- its all killing me. I wish I could take a pill and make it go away- or at least speed the process up. Part of me knows this just isn't going to work unless there's serious compromise, but my heart hasn't caught up with my head.

I've been exactly where you are... I was blindsided by an ex-fiance...

Believe me... do what I suggested... it does help. Its not a quick-fix, I'd be lying if I said it was easy... but it will work.

Go buy yourself a brand new journal from Borders - one of those really pretty ones - and start writing down what you're feeling. Check out my post over on Books And Literature - Quotes that have influenced your life. Write down inspiring stories and antidotes of your daily life. Re-introduce yourself to you.

And keep your chin up. :)

Your ex is simply not ready for what you want, and your insistence may have pushed him away. Your at different places in life, with different outlooks, and different lifestyle, so no wonder there is a conflict.

One thing you must face, and address, is what YOU will do next, And Historian Chick has spelled that out quite well, as healing, and regrouping to move ahead with your own life, is the most important thing to do, so love yourself enough to find your own happiness, without him. Start being good to yourself, in what you want.

No Contact, is a great way to let the emotional dust settle, and give yourself a chance to regroup, and decide the path you want to take. Its hard, but it will open up many new things for you to do, if you want to fill that hole in your soul, and be proactive in what you pursue now.

Sorry for your loss, but you will grow from this, and your life will be better, so good luck!

The unanswered questions are also driving me CRAZY-if I knew I could get a concrete answer from him, id call just to hear it and be done with it. But somehow I don't think he'd have the guts to be brutally honest, and he may not even know the answers.
What made me angriest was him saying if he realized this was the biggest mistake of his life he'd come crawling back- as stupid as it sounds, he gave me a glimmer of hope with that.
He told me he couldn't tell me to wait because he wasn't sure how long it would take him to figure out what he wants... he may never. He then said 3 weeks later he thought this was the right decision. Why can't I accept that??
Why do I think he's smarter than that? That he knows the right thing to do and will figure it out and do it? Why do I give him so much credit?

I agree with the others
Sounds like you two just have two different outlooks on life and they really aren't compatible
You want to plan and be a go getter and accomplish things whereas he is more laid back and even possibly procrastinates.

You hit it on the head NOhelp4u- he's def. a procrastinator. Its strange how the ways we were different before were so nice- we kind of complimented each other that he was so laid back and I was so go-go-go all the time. Eventually those were the very differences that separated us.
we at one point shared a desire for the future- we wanted to be married young-ish, have children a family... we talked about it from day one and how our values were similar. But something changed- panic set into him that it was really time to get those things- or he realized I wasn't the one he wanted those things with. Who knows. Damn unanswered questions.

Maybe there is no hope- but it lingers in me. How do I make it go away?

Only time can make it go away, sad as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. The only problem with that, is that it takes time.

Click on the links to the "stickies", in my signature.

There are a lot of people out there who have 0 in common except the shared fact that they want the relationship to work and love each other. Compromise is part of what needs to happen. I was willing to do that, he was not. Wanting to move forward was a commonality- then all of a sudden he changed his mind. Him being a big drinker and me not so much was never an issue... till it was. I just can't wrap my head around it. People can change if they want to, right?

Y is it that it seems the girls in the relationship are always first to be ready to commit. I was in a 2 year relatioinship and I had a issue wit my boyfriend about commitment and he always wanted to go out and c what else was out there like I didn't know... I had to break the ice and convince him to break up wit me because I didn't have the heart to. Turned out there was much that I didn't know.

If he was acting cold with you it's a sign that he mightve been interested in someonelse, I'm not saying he cheated but you never know h just mightve.

I'm at point in my relationship where I'm letting go to c if he returns back or how long he will continue to want me back... it better for us because we know if the relationship and the things we have done for them meant anything to them. If it did he will be rite at your door...

U need to just take deep breaths when he comes to your head.. and keep yourself really occupied. Its not in your hands anymore.. its in his... so start dating and move on... u have done everything you could