Hi,

I'm a long time reader, first time poster.

Having read the site I have come to realise that most of the people on here know what they are talking about.

My girlfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago. We were together 1 year and we lived together for 6 months. She decided to go abroad for one year to study. She had pressures in her life and decided she had to do something to grow and improve herself. She had no career prospects and was working in an awful job. She also had pressures from her family to marry a rich middle ages business man (she is korean, different culture). At first I was devastated and took it personally but I came to understand her reasons. She assured me it was nothing to do with me and I believe her now. We are young, both 25.

Anyway she left one and a half months ago and we made a decision to keep contact limited. I emailed her to see if she had settled in OK to which she replied. But then after that she sent another email saying that she felt she had made a mistake leaving me and that I was the best boyfriend. However she has made this commitment to her study and she has to stick to it. She said she doesn't want to keep in contact because it hurts her.

I agree with this. This recent email really knocked me off my recovery. But my question is do I send a reply agreeing with going no contact or do I just drop off the face of the earth..

I think she stills sees me as something to fall back on and I want to take this feeling away.

It's a daft question I know. I know I have to move on but I do want to keep the possibility of reuniting in the distant future. But surely when and if the distant future arrives, me sending this email will have no bearing on things.

It also made me curious about the dumper wanting no contact, something I can find very little about on the net. Especially in relationships broken by circumstance as opposed to other things. Any stories... advice?

Just fall off the face of the earth and go completely No Contact. It's very hard to heal and move on if you remain in contact with an ex.

Don't keep the possibility of reuniting. Rarely, if ever does this work and it will hold you back from moving on and letting other deserving women into your life fully and completely.

Just disappear, as I am fond of saying. A reply will only hurt you both. Quiet acceptance is best in cases like this, because that's what she says she wants, and the only thing you have to give.

No Contact, its official, and it will get better.

Many dumpers don't want contact because for various reasons they ended the relationships and see no point in staying in touch.

When it's over,it's over.

NC .

Thanks for your replies...
I won't reply and concentrate on moving on.

Another question... she will return in one year. I hope to be over her by then but I'm sure I will still have some lingering feelings. I'm not going to wait for her but she will come back. What happens then?

Or is that not even worth thinking about?

Thanks for the reply talaniman, you have a good reputation on these boards.

It's not worth thinking about. You don't know what is going to happen during this next year and you don't want to hold on to something that is not there.

Just go on and live your life without her.

Don't think about it,and in a year's time I'm pretty sure you'll be well over her.

Time is a great healer.

You should have a great life that you enjoy in a year, so get busy now.

Go no contact, enjoy your life, don't waste it by waiting around. You need to be able to live your life without someone holding you back. She doesn't want to be with you at the moment, respect her choice and star moving on. If someday she tries to get in contact with you again then you will have more decisions available. However, do NOT wait around.

Good luck,
Javi

Thanks for the replies...
I won't reply and will try to move on. It makes perfect sense even if my heart isn't agreeing.

Just one more thing... naturally I keep giving myself false hope that she will be back and everything will be OK. How can I stop myself from thinking this will happen? It feels like I'm putting all my energy into convincing myself of reasons she will be back. Deluding myself is easing the pain but its not allowing me to move on.

Actually just one more question too... NC is designed to heal a broken heart as fast as possible and not to get your ex to come back. So if you go no contact you are essentially seeking closure. But what if you want to fight for something. People keep telling me if you really love someone that you should never give up.

I feel like I never really fought for her. I did my best to let her go without causing a fuss...

You keep busy and do things you enjoy,that's how you distract yourself.

What's there to fight for?
Tilting at windmills is not very productive.

Letting her go without a fuss was a good option.

Feelings will make us humans do, say, and want to do many things we shouldn't do. Fighting, is a natural reaction to being afraid. Whether its being afraid of being alone, or afraid to lose something we want greatly.

Just me, fighting to change some ones mind is but a useless way of trying to hold something that doesn't want to be held, and just me, I would prefer to have someone that wanted me as much as I wanted them.

And what does fighting for your love mean?? Never giving up after they dump you? Begging pleading and showering with gifts, poems, and all kinds of promises you can't keep? When all of that fails, and they still haven't taken you back, still don't want you, now what??

Oh that's right, at least you tried right? How much of your dignity, and self respect are you willing to give to keep someone in your life? Just me, I would rather they be there because that's where they want to be. I would rather have them as stuck on me as I am on them, and we fight together, not to keep each other. She doesn't fight for you, that's not what she wants, so why are you really fighting? And what are you fighting for?

I guess I'm scared about the future and worried ill never find anything as good as what I had with her. It felt so perfect but then it seemed to flicker away so quickly. It was intense and passionate. It's the first time I've felt like this with anyone.

On a side note my dilemma is this... I live in her hometown and she will return in a year. However I am not from these parts and a part of me wants to move somewhere else and try something new. But I have this feeling that if I move then she will return wanting to be with me. Or worse still that if I stay and wait that when she returns she won't care about me and maybe think I'm pathetic for waiting.

I really can't get a handle of my emotions and what I want to do without somehow letting my delusions about her influence me.

Hello again,

Maybe 4 months I posed a question here and I had wonderful responses.

I was with a girl for a year. We were very close and she suggested marriage. Anyway she left me. She went to study abroad for one year. She didn't want to stay in contact and I did as told.

She has been gone 5 months. It has been hard for me but I have been moving on... slowly. Then out of nowhere she re initiates contact. First of all she emails to see how I am and drops in that she has a new boyfriend. Obviously this affects me and I choose not to reply. A week passes she then emails me again saying she misses me and that she has missed me. She adds me back on Facebook and even wishes my mother Happy Birthday.

So Im confused. I still have feelings for her. I want her back. What do I do?

Is she genuine? Or does she want some power over me? Did she have an argument with her new boyfriend?

When we broke up it was because of circumstance. She moved away.

She moved away and she has a boyfriend. Now she is confident that she won't get hurt, so she initiates the contact to keep in touch.May be she had an argument with her boyfriend, or she missed you, but they are there together and you are not. Replying her won't take you anywhere, she has a boyfriend after all. Do not give in. You have not moved on really, so please continue the NC no matter what.

Totally agree with Bk201, don't contact her, its says a lot about her having a boyfriend and telling an old flame she misses him. It makes me wonder, how many ex's she told she missed them when she was with you??

Don't let her mess with your head-back to NC!

No, her action aren't genuine. You been doing good before she contacted you so don't let her back into your world even as a friend. You still have feeling for her and want her back but she has a boyfriend, remember that. Let this be your motive to leave her alone.

I would block her from fb and your email account. Continue on with your life and don't let this interruption make you do something you will regret later

She is happy and is ready to be friends, and thinks you are ready for what she wants. Treat this as you would any other spam, and why haven't you already blocked her? Then you wouldn't be wondering what she wants, you would be doing your own thing, and the hell with her. And before you wonder where this question went, its in the process of being merged with your other one.

So know that your lack of action at NOT deleting her, and preventing her screwing with you with her BS, has come back to bite you in the butt. Correct that ASAP!!

Nothing good can come out of allowing her to re-initiate contact with you.

If she is wondering how you are, and missing you... WHILE being with this new boyfriend... that's her mess to sort out. All you'll be doing by allowing her to actually re-initiate contact is making it YOUR mess as well.

You're doing well, healing and feeling better... keep that up.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, but don't over-analyze things. She is someone else's girlfriend now, and you treat that like you would any other girl who has a boyfriend.