I was with my ex for about 3 years on and off.
She was my first love as I came into the dating game quite late, and to her I was the love of her life.

But because I am also a girl I struggled with the fact that I thought I was meant to be with a guy not a girl. Neither of us are gay, she had bfs before me and I had always been attracted to guys, just for some reason we just clicked with each other and fell in love very quickly.

My situation now is that the last time I broke up with her was back in March. She had tried numerous times to get back together with me - and although we continued to still see each other and talk all the time, I never gave the official "ok" to be a couple again.

I always thought that I had made the right decision by ending it because I thought we weren't right for each other.

Then last week she sent me a message saying she thinks she's starting to fall out of love with me and that's she's starting to talk to someone else now.

This completely threw me and I've been gutted ever since.

I've realised that she was right for me after all and that the problem in our relationship was me because I had changed who I was, not her who I kept blaming everything on.

I don't know what to do. I want her back but I don't want to push her away..

Maybe its your turn. Try to communicate with her.. Tell her how you feel. And if not then honestly its too late. But either way give her space and time to think. Don't hang on her or bug her either. As hard as it is.. Let things fall into place. I am going though the same thing so I know exactly what you mean and its hard..

Speak to her about how you feel. ONLY after you decision what is it you want and what you want to do. It seems like neither of you knows what is going on, someone needs to take charge here and set things straight. If after talking to her, she says that she no longer has any interest in you, then you leave her alone and move on with you life.

I KNOW that I messed up, and I feel like in a way this needed to happen so that I could see things clearly. Because if I had taken her back when I could have I would only have hurt her again because I would never admit that I was wrong. She won't answer my calls but does reply to my texts if I message her, and she actually has called me a couple times too even though she is now seeing this other girl. She still tells me that she loves me and that she will always think of me as the love of her life, and she has said and agreed that she wants to still be in contact and not become people that we used to know. I'm trying to give her her space which is really hard. She told me that she can't take me back now, as this is what I asked for but that she won't rule out ever getting back with me in the future. We were still seeing each other on a regular basis so when this suddenly happened it completely took me by surprise because I thought everything was going fine. I really learnt a lot through this whole experience and if I can't have her as my girlfriend again then I can't lose her completely :(

And I know that she does still love me because when I've spoekn to her about when I finally move on she said that she'll murder whoever it is that I'm with. Because I don't have any intentions of being with another girl so when I start dating a guy he will be the first I actually have sex with and she knows this will crush her. And she even told me this morning that if anyone hurt me that she'd kill them. Yes her words are extreme - but for me it just means that she won't actually do it but that's how badly she still cares about me. Does that sound crazy?

Yes, it does sound crazy that you would take her words as a sign of how much she cares. Many exes do this to keep the door open just in case things don't work out the way they want them. Of course we are glad to think we have a chance in the future, so we feel better for now.

The actual truth is that we are allowing ourselves to be an option while false hope keeps them as a priority to us, and that's not healthy. You sit and wait, while she explores, that's not love or caring.

Get your own life on a track where you are happy without her, and you will see the truth in what I have written. Just let her go to do her thing without you. YOU do yours and leave her alone. Then you both can heal and see how you really feel.

You cannot do that by being in contact with her, keeping old feelings stirred up, and being influenced by her words that keep you stuck.

Its true, I am stirring up old feelings and it hurts a lot. I keep thinking about the past and looking at old photos and messages. It's a real eye opener being on the other side of the table. But I guess you can't learn unless you make that mistake for yourself.
Each day is getting easier but I just can't stand the thought of her not being around anymore. We were in each others lives just about everyday up until this happened so it's a huge shock to the system. I am going to try to be happy on my own again and let her see if this is really what she wants or not, whether it be just for now or not.
I just think that one day it will all work out. This could either be the break we need so that if we ever do get back together we will come back stronger. Or if its not meant to be then hopefully we can find someone who we are meant to be with. But either way I still want her in my life one day. I have to believe in that. It's the only thing that's keeping me going right now. That things will work out one way or another.

You know you are in denial don't you?

Lol maybe I am. But if it gets me through the pain then wouldn't it be worth it?

Denial has always caused me a lot more unnecessary pain. That's why I cope with the pains of life in a more direct way.

As in no contact?
Yeah I am going to try to back off but its just hard when its your first heartbreak.

Got news for you, its always hard every time to back away when you don't want to. No matter the first, or 50th. ALL break ups suck.