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    wildsmi3's Avatar
    wildsmi3 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Oct 8, 2006, 03:25 PM
    Do I really want to leave her?
    I recently broke up with my girlfriend/fiance of one year. Our relationship moved very quickly and we moved in together 4 months after going out for the first time. I honestly thought it was love at first sight. There are a lot of qualities about her that I adore and truly miss; after all, I do love her. I know that most of what I am experiencing now is "relationship withdrawal", but damn I really miss her and want her back. The really odd thing is that we still live together, and there are kids involved (hers) that also live with us. I remember all of the bad times - the consistent arguments over stupid stuff; the crying; the hurt feelings; etc. But recently a friend who has been married for over a year was telling me that he & his wife have been having problems. His wife was questioning her sexuality and they have not been intimate for almost 6 months. I could not help but think to myself - "Damn, and I thought my relationship problems were bad". So I keep going back to the grand scheme of things & saying to myself - "wow, I know I can make this work; I can truly accept her for who she is now and I am extremely grateful for her and her kids being in my life". Bottom line - is my relationship withdrawal for real or is it a hoax? I love her very much and being the fact that I was the one to officially end this relationship/engagement about 3 weeks ago - I know she loves me very much. She promises me she has changed, she accepts me, things would be better, etc. But my mind and/or my heart is continuing to trick me into thinking that I should give this another shot. What have I got to lose? Please help - any thoughtful advice would be helpful.

    Sincerely,
    wildsmi3
    Gillion's Avatar
    Gillion Posts: 52, Reputation: 17
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Oct 8, 2006, 05:36 PM
    If you both want it you can both make it work.

    But I ask you this, what foundation do the two of you have to make for a solid relationship ?
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Oct 8, 2006, 06:53 PM
    You didn't elaborate as to why you broke things off. Also, why are she and her kids still living with you? It sounds like she wants to give things another go but you have mixed feelings about it. Have the two of you talked in earnest about your problems? I'm assuming that you're the one who initially "diagnosed" the problems with your relationship. Is it something that can be fixed? People really can't change who they fundamentally are but if it's just a matter of rearranging priorities or something like that, that can be worked on if the person so desires. I think more communication is needed between you, coupled with a sincere desire on both parts to make things work.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,304, Reputation: 10854
    Expert
     
    #4

    Oct 9, 2006, 07:17 AM
    4 months is really fast for a decision like moving in, and your breaking up with some one who lives there with kids? Who leaves, or do you have 2 remotes? I would make you both sit in the middle of the floor and work this out.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    Oct 9, 2006, 12:36 PM
    Wild no offense, but I seriously question any woman that would allow a man she's only been dating for 4 months to move in with her children. To me that is a red flag.
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
    Senior Member
     
    #6

    Oct 9, 2006, 12:40 PM
    4 months is way too short of a time to be making marriage proposals to someone. If I cut to the chase, I'd tell you that she and her children should live in their own place, that you get back together without being engaged, but dating for a minimum of 6 more months before even considering an engagement.

    The children do complicate it a bit, she should have slowed it down for their sake. If she is willing to do this, it will help you both tremendously in assuring you two that you are a match. The purpose of dating for a long period is to really get to know each other. People think that moving in together will accomplish that faster but its not true. You can't rush things like marriage, especially with kids already involved, you have to have more respect for it than that.

    Talk about everything. Talk about what you expect from each other now, and when you're married. Talk about marriage in general. Talk about kids and where boundaries lie with you and them, since you are not their father. Talk about your family and her family and accepting them (you marry them too you know). Talk about religion and politics. Talk about your work, your career, where you want to live now and in the future. Even if there is a subject that may feel uncomfortable, get it out now because it won't be fair to try and do it later.

    If you decide that after all that, she is the one for you, then ask her to marry you again, and this time, you'll know that you mean it. The planning of a wedding usually comes with a lot of stress so expect it. It's going to take a lot of patience, compromise and consideration but if you can get through that, you're off to a good start. All your work will pay off if you focus on the goal, a good strong marriage, not just a wedding party.

    Love is not just a feeling, its an action. It is complicated and a lot of work, but well worth it. Love has so many elements to it and one of the biggest is commitment. If you can't honestly commit and honor that commitment, then walk away and let her find someone who will.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Oct 9, 2006, 09:53 PM
    First off you went way to fast and the constant fighting etc after moving in so quick is a good example of why you should really go slow and get to know someone properyl before you make such a decision.
    Anyway, that is done and we can only try and help your current situation.

    I think the question you have to ask yourself is although she says she has changed, do you believe her? Do you see examples of this change? Do you think she will 'stay' changed. Did / do you need to change as well for it to work and if so have you or are you willing to?

    People often promise they will change and do, but eventually things go back to same old ways.

    But if you truly think that the situation now will be better than before then as mom said, sit down and talk to her. Talk about absolutely everything. You really need to communicate all your feeling and issues. PLus you have to LISTEN to hers.

    At the very least it is a perfect example and learning expereince on the reasons it is always recommended to go slow.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
    lilsexy3345319's Avatar
    lilsexy3345319 Posts: 5, Reputation: -3
    New Member
     
    #8

    Nov 2, 2006, 05:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by wildsmi3
    I recently broke up with my girlfriend/fiance of one year. Our relationship moved very quickly and we moved in together 4 months after going out for the first time. I honestly thought it was love at first sight. There are a lot of qualities about her that I adore and truly miss; after all, I do love her. I know that most of what I am experiencing now is "relationship withdrawal", but damn I really miss her and want her back. The really odd thing is that we still live together, and there are kids involved (hers) that also live with us. I remember all of the bad times - the consistent arguments over stupid stuff; the crying; the hurt feelings; etc. But recently a friend who has been married for over a year was telling me that he & his wife have been having problems. His wife was questioning her sexuality and they have not been intimate for almost 6 months. I could not help but think to myself - "Damn, and I thought my relationship problems were bad". So I keep going back to the grand scheme of things & saying to myself - "wow, I know I can make this work; I can truly accept her for who she is now and I am extremely grateful for her and her kids being in my life". Bottom line - is my relationship withdrawal for real or is it a hoax? I love her very much and being the fact that I was the one to officially end this relationship/engagement about 3 weeks ago - I know she loves me very much. She promises me she has changed, she accepts me, things would be better, etc. But my mind and/or my heart is continuing to trick me into thinking that I should give this another shot. What have I got to lose? Please help - any thoughtful advice would be helpful.

    Sincerely,
    wildsmi3
    I say you can still be with her.If things don't work out give her another chance
    extremely_shy_girl's Avatar
    extremely_shy_girl Posts: 16, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #9

    Nov 4, 2006, 09:59 PM
    I say go with your gut. Your heart knows what it needs and wants. Don't let your head sway you.

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