I am in need of some advice. I was with my girlfriend for 6 years before she broke up with me. We were living together and saving to buy a house. I was considering proposing at christmas. We had our problems but I never thought we would ever break up. She broke up with me because I had started a new course which meant I was around as often and the time that we did spend together all we did was argue. We had begun to take each other for granted and I admit that I did think she would always be there. I thought there was nothing that we couldn't work through so I was devastated when we broke up. She claimed she hadn't been happy for 6 months but I know its because I put my course above her (the first time anything has ever come before her) and she couldn't handle me not being there. There were other problems too but all the regular relationship troubles. I moved out the next day.

Anyway, we didn't really talk for a month and when we did I was a mess. She seemed to carry on like normal and even go out partying. I decided to take a trip to get away from it all so was gone a month. I stopped contact and had a good month. When I was away she emailed me saying how she couldn't believe how much she missed me and she wanted to start dating again.

I got home and we had a good couple of weeks. Then she started to act distant. She is a busy person but she would not contact me some days and other days just a text (when we were together we were a couple who talked many times a day). She goes out all the time with her friends while I am busy with my course. I have no problem with her going out but while we were broken up I am pretty sure she got close with someone. I have confronted her about this, she tells me that nothing happened and she is not intereseted in him in that way. They sometimes still meet up to play pool. I do trust that she is telling the truth but I don't have the confidence that I'm the one she wants anymore.

I told her I am not happy about the situation and she asked for a 'criteria' of what I want. I gave her this and said that I'm not willing to put up with the relationship how it is and I want to be happy with her but in a committed relationship. The relationship has always been me 60% and her 40% and that has never bothered me. She says she needs time and needs to figure out whether this is what she wants and to see whether this is right.

Do I allow her this time or do I just leave it? Its 5 months since we broke up now. This girl is so special to me and I believe she is the one. Can I forgive her for what happened or am I just hanging onto good memories rather than realising this is not working for me?

Thanks for the advice.
Ricky

How old are the two of you? Have either of you dated other people or been in other serious relationships?
How much time are you willing to give her to decide? Has there been any contact in the 5 months you have been broken up?

If she is still trying to decide whether she wants a serious relationship with you after 5 months, I think it is time for you to move on.

What has she been doing in the last 5 months? If you haven't been in contact, chances are she has moved on herself already.

You didn't make it work after 6 years, and can't figure it out after an additional 5 months, yeah I would say its time to move on and do your thing without her like she is doing without you.

We are both 25, we have been in constant contact apart from when I was away. Things are kind of how they were now, just minus the intimacy and we are not living together. She has dated others in the past but I haven't really. I really love this girl but I'm tired of the situation not being confirmed either way and it is starting to seriossly damage my confidence. I don't want to lose her though. I'm really confused.

You have waited five months guy and their have been no real changes, so you are an ex to her, while she moves on to do her thing. You have already lost her, but continue to hold out false hope.

I suppose when you get tired of waiting, you to will move on. You are free to explore your world, and take in other options, and opportunities to be happy, but you have to want to be happy without her.

Disappear, and stop all this needless contact.

Ok, so after thinking about it for a long time I decided to really confront her about it. I told her that I was not happy and that things had to change. I said to her that I was tired of being the one making the effort and that this part of my life did not make me happy. She became upset and we talked for a few hours. She said that she does not want to lose me and loves me more than she ever has anyone she just wants to wait and see if this is right because before the end of the break up she was miserable and does not want to be in the same position weeks or years down the line. I told her that it is always going to be a risk but if you want to be with someone then you have to take it. She told me she is too confused to decide this now. I told her that the relationship is over until her mind is made up either way. I asked her not to contact me. This was 2 days ago and she hasn't so why can I not stop thinking about her? I did the right thing right?

I'd say you did the right thing. She is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship, by her own admission. It seems as though she does indeed like you, but it isn't enough for her to make that commitment.

I don't know if she is wanting to see if the grass is greener elsewhere before she makes up her mind or not, but to leave you waiting, for an undetermined amount of time, is simply not realistic or fair to you.

If, after some time, you want to remain in contact, that is up to you. It may be that this relationship was simply one along the way towards meeting someone who is on the same page as you are.

She may be wonderful in many aspects, but if she isn't sure or ready, and you are wanting more of a relationship, there really is little choice but to end it.

It is perfectly natural that you will continue to think about her... did you really think it would automatically stop?. :) Breaking-up, and making it more official, is hard, especially when you had hoped it would have turned out differently.

You will move on, you will meet other people, and you will start to think about her less and less. At some point, who knows, maybe things will turn around and you will reconnect, or she will become a girl, whom you really cared about, that you once dated.

Focus on spending time with your friends and family, and on your course work.

Of course you did the right thing for yourself. And it is normal to still feel attachments from before, and also second guess yourself.

Its never easy saying good bye to the past for any one, but now at least for you, the limbo is over, and you no longer have to be miserable with false hope, or waiting for something that didn't appear to be happening.

We never know what will happen, but with a proper healing you will at least be able to see and explore better options, and opportunities to be happy, as you build a life that you enjoy without her in it, with friends and family, and activities that you can now enjoy to the fullest.

You are free, and that means a lot.

Update on my situation. I went away for a while. When I got back she wanted to see and things started going really well for like a week. Then she found texts from another girl on my phone and hit the roof. She said we are definitely over and stormed out. She went out that night and ran into one of my friends who she ended up having an argument with as my friend was defending me. He then called me and told me about this and how she was in the bar with another guy that same evening. I confronted her about this and she said it is an old school friend who is married with a kid who was cheering her up. Is this bull****? I sent her an angry text ask her to leave me alone from now. Did I do the right thing or am I in the wrong in the first place for texting another girl? At the end of the day she broke up with me right!

You have done right if you stick to your guns, and not be drawn into more of her drama, and BS... AGAIN!!

Turns out it was just a friend she was with and I believe her. Now she is saying that I have completely disrespected her and she is too angry to be with me. Is this just easing her guilt at ending it in the first place or have I genuinely hurt her?

Its probably both guy, and that's exactly what I meant by drama, and BS. That's exactly why when you get dumped, you disappear.

So what should I do, I love this girl!

She don't love you, or want you.

Update, so after a week of talking she has decided that she can't deal with this now and neds to concentrate on her for a while. I really do love this girl and all this drama has just made me realise that I truly do want to be with her. She is now ignoring my calls and texts and not getting back to me. She talks to me occasionally but is still upset and it ends up with her saying that this is too hard. I finding it really hard to concentrate on anything and am going to struggle to move on. What should I do? I really want her bck but am I'm just finding myself hurting again.

Sooner or later you will be tired of hurting and realize no matter how bad you want her, you are not going to get her, and stop hurting yourself.

I really don't know what to do now. She is having nothing to do with me and I am making the situation worse by keep trying to get in contact with her. She is using this reason as the basis to not talk to me or have anything to do with me. I love this girl and cannot understand how someone can cut you out of their life so quickly when you have been such a big part of it. What should I do now? Its driving me crazy thinking what I may have lost, but she won't listen. I keep trying to tell her she is the one I want to be with but she won't listen. This has put me in a bad way.

You put yourself in a bad way by not being in control of yourself, and forcing what you want on someone that wants no part of it.

Now leave her alone why don't you? Geez when you see your way ain't working and making things worse, stop doing it!

I've have stopped contact with her now and am going to try and make sure I keep to it. Yeah I know my way wasn't working but it was more torture being in limbo than where I am now. At least now I can try to get my head straight and try to get over this girl.

Good for you... remember when you said you had a good month awhile back when you had no contact?. focus on that again. Now, even more then before, you know that she is done with the relationship.

It sounds as though she has been slowly breaking away for sometime. Not happy for the last 6+ months, frequent arguing, out partying and spending more time with her friends than with you, and not contacting you for extended periods. I think the current situation gave her an out and she has taken it. She can now put the blame on your behavior for ending the relationship. So be it.

Stick with the no contact... she has made it clear that she is no longer interested so continuing will only cause you more pain and frustration.

Of course it is hard to let a relationship go, but think about it... for awhile now, it hasn't been the sort of relationship you probably really want to be in anyway has it?

Get out with friends and family, focus on work and your studies. It will get easier as you turn your attention elsewhere.