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    kaka67's Avatar
    kaka67 Posts: 261, Reputation: 200
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    #1

    Dec 14, 2018, 11:46 PM
    Disrespectful Friendship?
    My long term partner has a friend who has sent her messages basically saying that he would like to sleep with her. That's she's a 'honey' and he wants to look at her all day. My partner told him that they she cares about him and feels that they have things in common but doesn't want a sexual relationship.

    I found this out through text messages I read.

    So should I be annoyed that they went and had dinner together? I trust my partner and know she wouldn't cheat on me but I find the continuation of this friendship to be disrespectful to me and our relationship.

    What you think? Overthinking on my part?
    Let me reitterate there is no cheating.
    paraclete's Avatar
    paraclete Posts: 2,704, Reputation: 171
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    #2

    Dec 15, 2018, 02:03 AM
    Time to discuss it and watch out for the backlash on your snooping
    kaka67's Avatar
    kaka67 Posts: 261, Reputation: 200
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    #3

    Dec 15, 2018, 02:45 AM
    Yep I'm in trouble!!
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,273, Reputation: 5644
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    #4

    Dec 15, 2018, 06:52 AM
    If you were snooping through her phone to find those text massages, donít you find that to be disrespectful to your partner?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,051, Reputation: 10852
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    #5

    Dec 15, 2018, 09:31 AM
    If you don't have the guts to admit to your snooping, then no way can you have an honest conversation about your feelings about this fellow with your partner. Have you met the guy? Are you threatened by HIS disrespect for your relationship? For me that's the real issue, and your partner thinks she can keep a friendship with someone who has an agenda that she KNOWS of, and frankly she will have to find out if she can for herself.

    Of course you should be annoyed, I certainly would be, but it comes down to YOU owning your own actions before you demand anything from HER! Yeah she may be mad as heck, but ask yourself had you NOT snooped you wouldn't be annoyed would you? I must ask how long you have been committed to this partner, and have you set rules of good behavior that you both can live with? How old are you both? This seems to be more of a honest communications issue, and maybe the real question is why she has not shared these texts with you.

    How do you know that she didn't shut him down already? Or set boundaries of good behavior between them? I guess you will have to keep snooping to find out, or come clean yourself, and risk her ire, and whatever else comes with it. I have always let my long term partner (wife of more than 40 years) handle her business her way, but we both get to know our opposite sex friends, of which there have been many I might add. We also both have permission to access each others devices, but this is after years of honest give and take and reaching an agreement that works for both of us.

    That's really your challenge. Reaching a solution that works for you both through HONEST communications. LOL, that often means enduring the emotional drama and fallout. My suggestion is you find the courage to deal with whatever comes next.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #6

    Dec 15, 2018, 12:35 PM
    Your error in snooping, it shows a large lack of trust of them. This is a serious relationship issue.
    kaka67's Avatar
    kaka67 Posts: 261, Reputation: 200
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    #7

    Dec 15, 2018, 01:01 PM
    We've been in a relationship for over 20 years.
    We both have trust issues, nonw of it to do with cheating

    Im more than happy to cop a mouthful about my snooping.
    I have never met any of her friends. Her choice.
    Im not threayened by him at all. Shes not responsible for what he says or does Im.more dissapointed in her lack of loyalty to our relationship.

    We're in a bad place at the moment but this, for me, was a game changer. Cheating, which I see this as, was never something we'd had on our radat.

    Her previous relationship was controlling, but as my counsellor says, that was over 20 years ago...

    When I get the chance to talk to her about this I will as it has put a large wedge between us to the point I have temporarily moved out.

    This is just one issue on top of many...

    Thanks everyone..

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