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    babygurl1977's Avatar
    babygurl1977 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Apr 12, 2010, 07:26 PM
    I have a question and I don't want to sound racist or anything but my friend is with a Haitian man and to me she has dated black men for a long time and they all seem to be Haitian for some reason lol but anyway I find him to be very possessive and controlling somewhat abusive and so where all the other Haitian men she was with too am I missing something is it just me noticing this? Because I date black men also but never had this experience with them but I date mostly African men and even still find the possessiveness. Does anyone know if that's just Haitian culture for men to behave that way with their women? Or is it all black men in general because I notice white men aren't like that I mean there are some I've come across but not as much again its just a question I wanted to know. Thanks
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member

    Apr 12, 2010, 07:35 PM

    You do sound racist, I think. But what's more important is that your friend is with a man who you believe is controlling and abusive. That is dangerous for her physically and dangerous for her mental health. Have you talked to her about how she can get out of the relationship safely?

    I would not recommend dating controlling men whatever color their skin.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert

    Apr 12, 2010, 08:08 PM

    How many people live in Haiti? How many Haitian's live throughout the world? How many do you actually know? I highly doubt you met the majority of them, so how can you generalize an entire population? You're referring to a very small sample size.

    I strongly believe that each person is different and every body should be treated as such. In this case, if your friend isn't happy in an abusive and controlling relationship, then she should get out. But if she's willing to stick around, then you're probably missing some facts.
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
    Senior Member

    Apr 12, 2010, 11:15 PM

    Well, I have to say this sounds like a case of the type of men you and your friend attract. You two seem to attract these type of men because you look for the same qualities and go for the same charms (this is just an opinion). You know these type of men best.

    The reason white guys are different in your case may just be that you look for different qualities in white males because you yourself are white. I am not going to say how racist I think this sounds, you already know that. What I will say is that you need to try something different. I'm not talking race wise either, I am talking type.

    Try picking the guys up in different places, or really analize what type of person it is before you get at all serious with them. Eventually you'll ind a nice guy and you might be happy. However think about it, do you want a guy that is always nice? Would you be attracted to him? If he wasn't a jerk every once in a while he may lack luster to you.

    I just think that men and women seem to get in the same type of relationships over and over again simply because that is the type of relationship and person they invite into their lives. Don't get me wrong, there are several women out there that have gotten into horrible situations and it is by no means their fault, but then there are women that keep going back to the same type of guy. It can go either way with abusive relationships.

    I know many males (including yours truely) that keep getting themselves into the same type of relationships with the same type of girl. They do not all do the same things wrong but they are very similar in the fact that in some way or another they don't treat me right. They are never physically abusive (except one), just mentally or emotionallly.

    So I guess we have to look harder at the people we go out with and the people we are attracted to. Avoide the characteristics that we find loathsom and just try and try again until we get it right.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
    Ultra Member

    Apr 13, 2010, 01:15 AM
    Look, I actually think that certain types of women are attracted to controlling men. Yep. It's about them, not about the men.

    Having said that, there are certain cultures that are more paternal and where women are generally more subjugated. Perhaps this is the case in Haiti and in Africa.

    However, don't kid yourself that this doesn't happen in Western societies and that 'white men' aren't controlling. It's just more hidden and less politically correct.
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
    Senior Member

    Apr 13, 2010, 02:08 AM

    Many males like to dominate their females. There are several that do not do this, there are several that do. I think you are looking for people who are in control, and it ends up that they try controlling you instead of their own lives. These guys take pleasure in having you "under their thumbs"
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
    Ultra Member

    Apr 13, 2010, 05:10 AM

    By now you should know the signs of a possessive person, and if you both have found this is the majority of guys, you should really think about changing the company that you keep. Don't you think if you have always dated possessive guys, perhaps it's time to move in a different direction

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