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    WhatN3XT's Avatar
    WhatN3XT Posts: 59, Reputation: 7
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    #1

    May 13, 2008, 12:08 AM
    Is this considered stalking?
    Before you all hate on me let me explain a few things. First, I have been with this woman for 7+ years. I have never cheated or even thought about it. I have been there through thick and thin. I have never abused her in any way, I have taken her through surgeries and we have always been a team. Here is where it gets confusing to me... We were so close that at Income Tax time came around we had our refunds combined, this was just a few weeks ago BTW. Meaning, joint income was going to one account.

    We both have access to the account online and can see transactions as they occur.

    Problem, 3 days ago she tells me we have to take a "break in the relationship" because we need to find ourselves again so we can be happy and build a family. Then she says I'm moving in with my sister so you can fix yourself and I can work on myself. I was like . Out of the blue. I accepted it and if you read any of my other post It was painful. She is gone now BTW, 8 hours.

    Grrr, Joint Account... I pulled my $1300.00 out of the joint account right away to pay some bills. She still had $2100.00 I asked her to try and save $1500.00 just in case. You never know. Anyway, here is where you girls might learn a lesson.

    She told me she wants a break (to explore other avenues I guess) but we have so much history together, the joint account is emailing me every 45 minutes to tell me the purchases I've made. She has blown 80% Of the balance and I can't do anything about it.
    This is really hard guys, I really don't want to know that she is wasting (used to to be our) money.

    Most of the money spent went sraight to her sister, food, gas, smokes, etc. Why man, I actually feel sorry for her. I want to help, but can't
    nickshehe's Avatar
    nickshehe Posts: 254, Reputation: 47
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    #2

    May 13, 2008, 02:13 AM
    I understand it's hard - but you already know what you have to do.. Absolutely nothing.
    You said you pulled YOUR 1300 out of the joint account so I'm assuming the money remaining is hers and not "ours" (you and hers) any more.. If she chooses to make her bed in that way then let her lay in it. She's old enough to know what she's doing and be responsible for her own actions. She requested distance and space from you - respect her request.
    Good luck
    WhatN3XT's Avatar
    WhatN3XT Posts: 59, Reputation: 7
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    #3

    May 13, 2008, 02:59 AM
    Thanks Nick
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,667, Reputation: 698
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    #4

    May 13, 2008, 03:32 AM
    Sorry dear, but several of us will tell you that a joint account without being legally married was a BAD idea.
    And, no, this is not stalking...
    When it comes to money, one should always be very careful.

    There are still a few more questions open, i.e. was the relationship based on mutual happiness or did she start to distance herself lately? Was this 'surgery' necessary or cosmetic? I know you see where I'm getting at, so reflect back and see if you ignored some serious changes in hope that they were just temporary.

    She might be a closet gold-digger or someone who is tired of waiting for that special ring after investing such a long time into this relationship - only you will be able to figure this out - and only she will know the truth.

    I too had a relationship since 1999 - and I did all the compromizing and he did all the relaxing and not bother to take it further. Until I developed cancer and he realized after all these years that this time was wasted... he got what he wanted out of me and was not willing to cope with issues that did not interest him in the least. Until then, he had no qualms about me spending my hard-earned money on things we both liked - and now he still has them and refuses to let me get 'my' things out of his place.

    There are many reasons for people acting the way they do, and unless they tell you exactly why, the only thing we can do is 'speculate' - which won't do any good at all.

    Now the ball is in your corner, do some heavy reflecting and start thinking about yourself more. Don't be sad or worried about her - she knows what she is doing and probably does not plan to do you the favor of coming back or changing.

    It's a cold hard world out there and we waste so much time trying to 'fix' things that don't want fixing.

    The only thing you could do is change your account and transfer your assets to it so that she no longer has access, and see what her reaction to this is. Also, you can start doing a lot of things to get your mind off her as much as possible - and wait until she contacts you.

    Again, DO NOT feel sorry for her - she has made her move without thinking of what this is doing to you... being distant and disrespectful - so plan on a life without her for a while, act like it does not phase you, and wait until she contacts you to let you know where you stand.

    I really hope that she is not a gold-digger and that things will work out, but you need to 'protect' yourself for the inevitable now.

    Stay with us and keep us posted, dear. You are not alone.

    Sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way...
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,320, Reputation: 1612
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    #5

    May 13, 2008, 04:57 AM
    If the question is "is it wrong to look at what shes spending her money on"... mostly no. it's a joint account. If she wants privacy she should open up her own account.

    Its one thing to rifle through someone's phone or email... this is different. She knows you have access. She has the power to move banks or setup alternative accts... something you might consider doing to have control of your own money without her having access... you can very likely get another acct at the same bank easily. We have three through ours... one business and two personal accts.

    Is it good for you to be looking at that info? Depends. If you are done then you need her out of your life. If you are still holding out hope... I don't know. Seeing what she does in plain view lets you know what's going on.

    So... what's to fix? She said you are to work on "fixing" yourself, as is she. Seven years with no marriage can be a reason to step back and figure out if its stalled, OK, or not. But you state this came out of nowhere...

    Chances are, that's not true. She's been kicking this around, I'm guessing... so did you miss the signs or calls for change, or did she internalize it until she cracked?
    Depressed in MO's Avatar
    Depressed in MO Posts: 571, Reputation: 94
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    #6

    May 13, 2008, 07:47 AM
    Regardless of what she is doing, a joint banking account is just that-a joint banking account.

    She is obviously spending it like crazy and fast. Get your name off the account. If you can't do that-CLOSE it. Please.

    Because both of your names are on it, if she spends over what is actually in the account, you are BOTH responsible for it, no matter who does the spending. I'm sure you know that. Take it from someone who knows, it can and it DOES happen. A
    Lot more often than not. Feelings for her or no feelings for her, take care of yourself. Just look at it as in the first step in "Fixing" yourself. I see nothing wrong with it since she said that is what you needed to do in the first place.
    WhatN3XT's Avatar
    WhatN3XT Posts: 59, Reputation: 7
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    #7

    May 13, 2008, 10:31 AM
    There are still a few more questions open, i.e. was the relationship based on mutual happiness or did she start to distance herself lately? Was this 'surgery' necessary or cosmetic? I know you see where I'm getting at, so reflect back and see if you ignored some serious changes in hope that they were just temporary.

    Interesting questions actually, at first mutual happiness was dominant. 6 years later it may have slipped to mutual comfortness. If that makes any sense to you. Her surgeries were necessary not cosmetic, in fact I would be upset if she did anything cosmetic.

    My first night alone was rough. I actually turned off my phone to remind me to let her do what she needed. When I woke this AM turned on the phone and had a very sad VM from her. I do love her so naturally I called back. She was a wreck and said she wanted to come home. I told her the door will always be open. Then she says that her sister told her that 1 night is not enough, nothing will change. I bit my lip to keep my mouth shut. I just figured out now that it seems she is being coached.

    Thanks
    jolienoire's Avatar
    jolienoire Posts: 917, Reputation: 166
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    #8

    May 13, 2008, 11:20 AM
    I guess her sister isn't done spending up her money, she will return when the money is gone.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say if your girlfriend didn't want to leave she wouldn't have, she would have talked to you about it. When someone truly love and wants to be with you nothing will keep them away, if they don't nothing will make them stay.

    When you want something to work in life you don't walk away from it. How can you try to build a family by running and expecting the problems to work themselves out?

    It never does work. If she wanted to work it out and is taking this separation as she stated to build a family she wouldn't be spending her money so carefree. I suggest while you are apart to think about her behavior and understand what you want, and what you are gaining from this. Her actions are not really showing her as being responsible or in the sense ready to build a family.
    As for the joint account remove your name off it...
    WhatN3XT's Avatar
    WhatN3XT Posts: 59, Reputation: 7
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    #9

    May 13, 2008, 12:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jolienoire
    I guess her sister isn't done spending up her money, she will return when the money is gone.

    When you want something to work in life you don't walk away from it. How can you try to build a family by running and expecting the problems to work themselves out?
    My thoughts exactly. I think she didn't expect me to make it so easy for her to go. I just hope that if she does return, that I won't be so resentful that we will have to go through this again. But I would be the one leaving. Time will tell I suppose.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,320, Reputation: 1612
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    #10

    May 13, 2008, 12:58 PM
    Well... why is the sister wrong? Sure, it might feel callous on your side, but I agree... something caused her to leave... and until that is dealt with, any reconciliation is just a band-aid fix to a deeper problem.

    So what has changed? Why believe anything is better because of a bad night?

    Sorry she treated you so badly in dropping the bomb, but once it was done... the sister is right... what's been solved?

    Nothing yet.
    thoughtiwastheman's Avatar
    thoughtiwastheman Posts: 114, Reputation: 22
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    #11

    May 13, 2008, 01:21 PM
    A break means that its over or that they are not interested. Move on.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,320, Reputation: 1612
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    #12

    May 13, 2008, 01:56 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jolienoire
    It never does work. If she wanted to work it out and is taking this seperation as she stated to build a family she wouldn't be spending her money so carefree.
    Completely agree that it should be a red flag that she's walking away and id think if she were really vested she should be able to talk things out before reaching for the door first.

    Most of the time I could just type "i agree with jolienoire" and itd save me the time of babbling on and on... however in this case there is one angle I see differently.

    I'm not going to downplay the role of financial compatibility for long term health in a relationship. I will, however, cut her more slack here... a person going through what might be the end of a relationship... or at least a critical moment in that relationship... can want rational things but act irrationally.

    Blowing that money can be a false coping mechanism. I know a person who could go a week without spending a dime when she has a big balance, but when the account is low, it drives her mad and she wants to spend cash the first time she gets her hands on more... and she knows its irrational behavior.

    So the lady might be indulging to ease her through this noise... and certainly the sister could be playing her, or at least enabling her.

    Sometimes rational people do irrational things... and until I know more about what's going on in this relationship... I'm still open to the possibility that she genuinely wants to be with him, that there are issues that aren't being discussed or solved, and that she honestly doesn't want a separation... but she doesn't want the status quo.

    Why did she leave so abruptly? Again, I don't know enough. She mightve been fighting through things for a long time. She might have had recent "encouragement" from her sister or someone she knows to take drastic action.

    That she said you both need to work on yourselves is telling maybe, and better not be ignored. She sees problems on her side and his... even if its not completely true, its her reality. Or a convenient line.

    And I just don't know yet whether she's felt like she's made efforts to address issues and those efforts have been ignored and she needed to do something drastic... or whether she's genuinely stepping back and just isn't willing to admit it yet.
    Greg Quinn's Avatar
    Greg Quinn Posts: 486, Reputation: 85
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    #13

    May 13, 2008, 02:23 PM
    My neighbours GF just left him. She said the same thing, need a break... He found out she met someone and moved out. I have a young employee who also just had the same thing happen as well. Its not every time, but most of the time there is a hidden motive behind such drastic unexpected relationship changes. Each of these guys are now sitting on desperate back burners, waiting to see if they have a chance still.
    Clearly, she is spending money without regard to your future with her. I would say to "let her go", but that is really hard to do. As for stalking? Legally, the contents of a joint account would be your business.
    By social standards I would say, if you have no money in there then you should really move on open your own account and try to mind what is now your business. If you do some how get back together with her, I would bet you would be suspicious and resentful. No matter what her motives are, you must have lost a great deal of trust in her.
    jolienoire:When you want something to work in life you don't walk away from it. How can you try to build a family by running and expecting the problems to work themselves out?
    I think there is more to it then the reasons she has given you. Watching her spend money won't help. Good luck
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #14

    May 14, 2008, 10:55 AM
    After 7 years it would seem that there would be enough communication, and a willingness to work together, to solve any problems that came up. Since there was none, you haven't lost anything, but a few bucks. Disappear from her life, and regroup and build a better one for just you. Having said that, you left a lot of important details out of your post, as in what this relationship was about.
    I want to help, but can't
    Help how, with what? Looks like she is helping herself and please don't let her back in your life, especially after she has spent all her dough. Then you would need professional help. I think I'm sorry for your loss??
    WhatN3XT's Avatar
    WhatN3XT Posts: 59, Reputation: 7
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    #15

    May 14, 2008, 11:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    you left a lot of important details out of your post, as in what this relationship was about.

    Help how, with what?? looks like she is helping herself and please don't let her back in your life, especially after she has spent all her dough. Then you would need professional help. I think I'm sorry for your loss???
    I let her back in my life and I may still need professional help. LOL. I think that co-dependency may be a issue here. She left because she wanted me to feel the same pain she did when I asked her to move on, away from me. I did this because there is a 12 year gap in the age range. And yes I am older. I thought that when I asked her to leave that it was in HER best interest, not even considering my own feelings. When she actually did what I asked her to do, D4MN, I was blown away. If you are happy in a relationship, never ever tell the other person to leave because they will and maybe won't return. Cherish what you have together. If there is Love, there is Hope.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,667, Reputation: 698
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    #16

    May 15, 2008, 02:12 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by kp2171
    im not going to downplay the role of financial compatability for long term health in a relationship. i will, however, cut her more slack here... a person going through what might be the end of a relationship... or at least a critical moment in that relationship... can want rational things but act irrationally.

    blowing that money can be a false coping mechanism. i know a person who could go a week without spending a dime when she has a big balance, but when the account is low, it drives her mad and she wants to spend cash the first time she gets her hands on more... and she knows its irrational behavior.

    so the lady might be indulging to ease her through this noise... and certainly the sister could be playing her, or at least enabling her.

    she might have had recent "encouragement" from her sister or someone she knows to take drastic action.

    that she said you both need to work on yourselves is telling maybe, and better not be ignored. she sees problems on her side and his... even if its not completely true, its her reality. or a convenient line.

    and i just dont know yet whether shes felt like shes made efforts to address issues and those efforts have been ignored and she needed to do something drastic... or whether shes genuinely stepping back and just isnt willing to admit it yet.
    Dear kp... after reading your thoughts on this, I tend to agree more and more in this line.

    When a woman is frustrated, she will tend to do a few irrational things - these take place of what she really wants to do, but doesn't know how to express. Her sister is using this opportunity to her advantage, in my opinion.

    Maybe there is still a chance if she would take time alone for herself, and tell him what she really wants from this relationship and that he should listen and forget the age difference.

    If he wants her back, then he should open up and tell her. Life is too darned short to play games and throw away 7 years of happiness together - we all have problems and make mistakes - but if it's worth it - both can make it happen to their benefit.

    Sometimes we tend to be at a loss for words at the wrong time and wind up regretting it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #17

    May 15, 2008, 04:57 AM
    I did this because there is a 12 year gap in the age range. And yes I am older. I thought that when I asked her to leave that it was in HER best interest, not even considering my own feelings.
    While I am trying to see the nobility here, I don't, and sorry this makes no sense to me what so ever. Why not just say the thrill is gone, and be done.

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