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    titanic2011's Avatar
    titanic2011 Posts: 50, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 10, 2011, 07:40 AM
    Confused about the situation
    Dating a girl for a few months. Things were going great, hung out almost every day, both of us in mid 20s. She chased me for weeks, and I finally gave in and said I'm ready for being exclusive. She had a few minor flags that were flags to me that I let go by, because my friends have said I always have been tooo picky. Within 3 weeks she said she loved me. All was great until recently.

    She became very distance 2 weeks ago. No more I love you, said it was too soon. She would text and talk to me briefly, but no phone calls or no hanging out. She said she had to figure out some things with her living situation, and her career situation. Every day she said she would want to go home and just be alone. Of course after a few days home then she started going out with her friends. Ok so you want to be alone yet you are at the bar. She wanted to be together but she had to handle this business first. Said she was going to go home on the weekend figure it out. I figure I would give her space, and do a NC. Of course that made her angry. Few days later we finally meet up in person and the chat went fine, until the end. I found out she briefly spoke to an X she had strong feelings for on her career situation. She said I didn't need to know this info, and I told her that was an interesting fact to dismiss, since I would have told her. She was not happy I ignored her because she said I was not being there for her and that I did not care. She said because of what is going on in family life and her quitting her job, she will not be able to set aside 5 days a week to hangout, since her family needs her. Then I said how about 2? And she said of that 2, if her friends want to have out, then she has to take away from me or family.

    I read many posts. This to me is girl wanting the cake and the batter and the oven and the kitchen and the 4 course meal. The hardest thing is to accept that, especially when you are looking at that person and talking to them. That you made it clear you are not here to play games and looking for a relationship that you truly want to be in.

    Few days later she said she was going to go home again for a few days to continue and finish the conversations with family because originally she did not. She also said that because with all this going on, and not being able to spend the time I want, and not knowing her future, we should be friends for now until she gets through it. I basically told her I don't want just friends, because someone is going to date and someone is going to get angry. She said she would understand because she can't expect me to wait. I told her what if I went on a date in 2 days? She was furious and said if I go to a date in 2 days then anything we ever had was never true. Then she said you want distance, I'll give you distance (LOL) and stormed out saying I'll talk to you in a few days.

    So what do you think of this? I find it hard to believe that she is lying because of how family oriented she is. I told her I don't think she is ready for a relationship that I wanted. I mean at first she was all for it, but the fact that she was distant a few weeks ago really pushed me away. And stopped saying I love you? I mean what is all this.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #2

    May 10, 2011, 07:56 AM

    Go back to NC and don't break it.

    This has all the classic signs of 'I'm breaking up with you but I intend to keep you as the back up plan in case I need you'.

    Go live your life and leave her to sort out hers.
    titanic2011's Avatar
    titanic2011 Posts: 50, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    May 10, 2011, 07:57 AM
    I still have some stuff, valued at like $500 of hers. She keeps avoiding to pick it up, when we were going through the distant state and I kept telling her maybe its best she comes get these things.

    I guess I am the sucker thinking she really does have to focus on her life and needs some time, when really she just is trying to move on and pain-free by keeping me around and getting my attention when needed.
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #4

    May 10, 2011, 08:25 AM
    To me your ex's actions are just typical of someone who knows it time to break up and is just fumbling through the motions because of all the confusion and conflicting feelings she is going through.You are simply going along for the ride.

    Many things could have changed her mind... the available ex or perhaps you may have just been a rebound... You may never truly know.

    End the confusion by going back to NC.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #5

    May 10, 2011, 08:28 AM

    Pack her stuff up and leave it somewhere you don't have to see it .

    In your post #4 you've got it sussed,sorry,but I think that's it.
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #6

    May 10, 2011, 09:59 AM
    Sounds like she wants to have fun, and to keep you waiting on the sidelines in case she changes her mind. I would recommend to send her packing do that you can start healing from this relationship as this typenof behavior should not be tolerated.

    Good luck,
    Javi
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #7

    May 10, 2011, 10:44 AM

    It definitely seems like you've become the backup plan. When times are tough, healthy couples lean on each other for strength. She seems to be treating you like a burden, because spending time with you isn't giving her strength.

    You're not longer her priority and you're not longer her source of happiness. I think it's time to accept the truth and move on with her. You've become her safety net and backup plan.

    As for her things, find a mutual friend to bring it to her. Just get rid of all of it, it's just her way to keeping you around as the backup plan.

    Do you really want to sit in the backseat without ever knowing whether you can move up to the front?
    titanic2011's Avatar
    titanic2011 Posts: 50, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    May 10, 2011, 11:17 AM
    Yeah I don't like to go for the ride. She already told me her fam is #1 priority which I would hope. The crazy 180 swing is what got me. That and how deceiving someone can be. No way I don't ride in the back seat. Unfortunately I doubt the friend would want to be in that situation so this stuff will be packed until she asks for it.

    I'm fine with the breakup, I just wish I didn't have to accept she is lying because I know or at least from what she says she is struggling hardcore. And def trying to figure out what she is going to do with her life. It's annoying that she gets mad when I ignore her knowing she was distant already avoiding me and now she is trying to keep me around
    titanic2011's Avatar
    titanic2011 Posts: 50, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    May 11, 2011, 07:14 AM
    The hardest thing is understanding if what is being said is the truth. Not because I want her back, but I know I'm chasing a neverending chase if I'm trying to figure out if all this was true or not. Based on everyone's comments, it is not.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #10

    May 11, 2011, 08:22 AM

    Bottom line, if you want her back, let her know and see how she responds.

    If she's not responding positively, then it's confirmed that you're the backup plan or she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    May 11, 2011, 01:13 PM

    Seems to me guy this is a done settled deal, and its you that has to let go and be in no contact whatsoever. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what goes on in the female mind, and never understand it.

    Just let it go, and do your thing, and dwell no more. Even if it means ignoring her because she thinks keeping you as a friend helps her get over you, or keeps you hanging.

    You told her that it can't be friends so mean what you say, and let it go.
    titanic2011's Avatar
    titanic2011 Posts: 50, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    May 11, 2011, 02:34 PM
    We spoke briefly today and she asked when to get her stuff. Few other things were said after, she tried to make it seem like I broke up with her. Then she said that I would regret this one day because I didn't let her go through the hard times she was facing. She's also mad because I went on a date and she found out. I didn't really. Fb made her believe that. Oh technology. So she made comments asking if I had a goood date and hope I'm happy. What is it with girls
    titanic2011's Avatar
    titanic2011 Posts: 50, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #13

    May 11, 2011, 02:35 PM
    I hear u talinaman. Its just funny when she says things and I don't get it. Like I broke up with her and it wasn't OK for me to move on. Once she gets her things I'm free in the clear.

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