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    nollie626's Avatar
    nollie626 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 30, 2019, 02:34 PM
    Confused
    Iím unhappily married. To make things harder, I have had a crush on someone else for 4 long years. I have always felt the feeling was mutual. Recently there has been a lot more flirting on both ends. I know the grass isnít always greener on the other side and Iím always trying to tell myself all the reasons this other man is all wrong for me. One moment Iím fine with cutting him out of my life and the next Iím heartbroken again because I want to be with him so badly. Although I feel he has feelings too sometimes I canít tell if heís playing games or if heís trying to protect his own feelings because Iím married. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to put him out of my head or if I should? Iíll distract myself with other things for a bit but then something happens and brings me right back to him. It hurts. I canít take this anymore 😞
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Sep 30, 2019, 03:45 PM
    Maybe deal with your unhappy narriage one way or another, before you let yourself be distracted by somebody else. That's what this other fellow is just a possible temporary feel good because you are unhappy. Why is your marriage so unhappy?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #3

    Sep 30, 2019, 05:45 PM
    What have you done to save the marriage,

    Counseling?

    Change thngs,
    Talk about it?
    nollie626's Avatar
    nollie626 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Sep 30, 2019, 07:01 PM
    Iím unhappy for many reasons. He never seems to have the time for me. We rarely do anything together. If we do, Iím the one who plans something. We are rarely intimate. I always have to initiate anything if we do. I have asked, told and yelled about the things I want from our relationship and none of it seems to get through. Iím tired of asking, telling and yelling. I just donít care anymore
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #5

    Oct 1, 2019, 04:11 PM
    Do you have kids, and if so is he a good father with a good relationship with the kids? Do you work, and if so do you like your job? Does he like his job? Any substance abuse issues? Can you support yourself? Has divorce been discussed? Are there other problems like family or finances?
    nollie626's Avatar
    nollie626 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Oct 1, 2019, 07:15 PM
    We donít have kids. There are no substance abuse from either of us. I honestly donít really like my job(s). Iíve been a massage therapist for about 15 years and Iíve been stepping back from that. I have a new job but it feels completely meaningless. Iím pretty sure he loves what he does but itís not making much money. My full time job is entry level so I donít make much at all so money is a bit tight. We arenít poor and have all we need but it would definitely be a financial burden if we divorce. It has never been discussed though
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Oct 2, 2019, 06:55 AM
    How long have you two been married, and how long did you date before you got married? So far it appears you are not happy in a few major areas of your life and I do think at this point this may be at the heart of your issue, so it's no wonder this other fellow confuses you because I think that you nay just be looking for that happiness in another. I don't think having an affair would solve that problem, more likely it will make it worse.

    Do you have family friends or siblings close by?
    nollie626's Avatar
    nollie626 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Oct 7, 2019, 11:10 AM
    We just had our 9th wedding anniversary last week and have been together for 16 years total.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #9

    Oct 7, 2019, 11:40 AM
    Why no kids? Have you discussed that? Do you really think getting attention from another guy would solve your problems or are you just seeing this other fellow as a way out of this unhappy marriage? I really appreciate you responding back, and hope all my questions are not insulting and above all please let me know if I have veered from your original question as I think any one so unhappy would seek that which might make them feel better.

    I can say though that the key to being happy is being happy with yourself first and above all else. I asked questions to figure out if you are actively trying to build a life that you enjoy with friends family and activities that make YOU happy. Thus my question on the other people important in your life that would be mainly KIDS.

    No kids then what distracts you from the daily confusion of working and problems like hobbies activities friends or family members?

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