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oryxeuphemia · Dec 3, 2011, 08:11 AM

I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now, but it seems like lately he's been a little distant and distracted. He's been separated from his ex for over five years now, had a long-term relationship before me, and he and his ex have a pre-teen girl together, so they (he and the ex) see each other on a very regular basis; he spends half her time with his mom and half his time with us, and there's always a hand-off of stuff (clothes, overnight gear, etc). They work together as well but don't necessarily have to see each other at work each day (different schedules). Maybe it's me being paranoid, but I feel like he's compulsively checking his email lately, and he gets up and leaves at a moment's notice for things. One Sunday morning he claimed he had to go and watch the first part of his daughter's ringette game, which began at ten. It was already ten after, and because they're young kids, they don't play for a full hour. Am I just being paranoid, or is he giving me reason to be suspicious with this ducking out and his checking mail all the time?

talaniman · Dec 3, 2011, 10:04 AM

That's something to find out about, and get facts before being paranoid. I believe in talking before tripping. And can you name me something more distracting than a preteen daughter?

Or a suspicious girl friend? Talk about this before you grow suspicious.

geminichick · Dec 4, 2011, 03:31 AM

For the moment, I don't really think there is too much to be paranoid over. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Open communication is very important in a relationship.

I think it's refreshing to hear a father so involved in his child's life. Especially when he is not there with her 24/7.

standing47 · Dec 5, 2011, 07:22 PM

As far as I can see he has the best of both worlds he has u and he has her

oryxeuphemia · Dec 14, 2011, 01:46 PM

I suppose it's just insecurity over the amount of history they share. He's told me numerous times he doesn't have any desire to get back together with his ex, but I feel like their personal/professional relationship is so blurred that they can't extricate themselves so that the professional boundaries stay wholly in the workplace and the personal ones pertain only to the child.

As for openness, it's something we strive for in this relationship; we both agreed that if we can't talk openly and honestly, there's a problem with how things are progressing. Could this be wholly insecurity on my part, or is it possible that I'm insecure because my partner's not providing me with enough stability and reassurance?

talaniman · Dec 14, 2011, 03:02 PM

Or do you ask too much, and may be a tad unreasonable? I don't know, but don't panic and get carried away without a lot more facts.

oryxeuphemia · Dec 14, 2011, 04:02 PM

I don't think I'm asking for too much; I'm offering commitment and asking the same in return.

talaniman · Dec 14, 2011, 06:48 PM

Two sides to the story though, and it takes two to make a plan, and a timetable for that plan. For sure he comes with commitments to others already. Any partner with kids does.

That almost always includes exes, that still co parent, even when they enter into new relationships. I don't think his head is all the way in the game because his growing kid is distracting him.

That can't be easy staying involved in her life, and would distract any who try. But try he must.

oryxeuphemia · Mar 10, 2012, 10:03 AM

My partner is well-educated and very bright, and while I love him deeply, I also feel as though he often behaves as though he's intellectually superior to everyone around him including me, and his work colleagues. Last night we had a disagreement because he looked up an old female colleague from his undergraduate days(she has since become quite famous). When he told me (I suppose to reassure me) that she had been a model and wasn't particularly bright, but now seemed to be quite an expert in something, I shot back (albeit hastily), "So now that the model has the smarts, you're curious?"
I was told that if I was going to be like that, I could eff right off. I realize my response was catty and immature, and betrays insecurity on my part, but I am astounded that he could be so disrespectful. While I recognize that part of his knee-jerk rudeness is because he gets tired of assuaging my insecurities (which are sometimes frequent, sometimes not) and because I misspoke, does it seem odd to anyone else that he responded so rudely?

Kahani Punjab · Mar 10, 2012, 10:08 AM

Oryxeuphemia,

First, I would like to welcome you to this great, beautiful, wonderful and extremely helpful site!

O spontaneous retorts are sometimes not to be taken seriously, and sometimes, we fail to weigh our pronouncements against others, which sometimes balance, each other, thwarting the other persons sometimes even to feel sorry, because he thinks you also spoke heavy and high. Still, if she is a model and gets his attention, why not you wear such scanty garments, shave your underarms and show to him. Just get a dashing new haircut, and be such a pixie/fairy that he will say WOW!

But, still, if if if he is disrespectful... you should think of other options, but I do not think he is so. Just wait and watch.

Good luck!

talaniman · Mar 10, 2012, 07:37 PM

In two years he has never been rude, or direspectful? Maybe its time to see him, and the relationship a closer look to see if it can go forward, or you deal with those insecurities better.