Hello Everyone.

I'm a 27 year old male in a new relationship of approximately 3 months with a fantastic woman of 23. We have fallen very much in love, you could say 'love at first sight', and I consider her to be my 'true love', and vice-versa.

However I'm faced with a very difficult situation which I would like to ask people with in-depth knowledge on relationships to give me some solid advice on - make no mistake, this issue is rather complicated so I will provide as much information as I can for you to give me some well-informed advice.

My GF and I met through a dating website (reasons: lack of time, curiosity). From the word go, we were honest with each other about EVERYTHING, we told each other all the bad things about each other, all our flaws, weaknesses etc. before even meeting, trust was paramount to both of us, and we found that being open and honest to each other was a great way of building this trust. When we met we got on as fantastically in person as we did on paper, so we decided to enter into a relationship with each other. Both of us were very happy with this.

Onto the problem.

I live in a large rented house with my house-mate, who is a woman. This woman is also an ex partner from some 7 years ago who (excluding my girlfriend whom I consider to be my best friend as well as my lover) is a very dear friend to me. Her friendship has gotten me through some very tough spots and I value it very much.

My GF knew before hand that I lived with an ex, but did not know that my housemate still LOVES me :eek: (I did not know either - I did suspect, but didn't feel right to ask - my housemate kept it to herself as she said she did not want our friendship to become awkward)... there has even been lots of distance between me and my ex in the past - for 5 years she lived away and we saw each other once every 5 months or so, even then apparently she did not stop loving me.

My GF noticed that my ex behaved 'strangely' around me, and this is how I found out she still carries a torch for me, because she confronted my housemate about it, and then told me. [Strangely: texting me while she is in the same house as me (which was 'normal' for us even when I was single), lingering/hanging around, the way she hugged me]. Even when I was out with my GF, I would receive texts from my housemate (as 'normal'), which distracted me from what I was doing. I didn't see how this was irritating my GF at the time (I admit I should have). She mentioned how the hugging and texting annoyed her later down the line.

This then caued me to speak to my ex so that she knows very well where she stands - I value our friendship and want nothing more - which she accepts and respects. She says she knew this anyway, which is why she has never asked me to give us another try. She has not once tried to come between me and a partner, including my 'new' girlfriend. My ex has always respected any relationship I have been in and has never tried to be a 'threat'. So I asked her to cut back on the hugging and the texting.

My ex and I have always traditionally had a 'close' friendship, cinema, little lunches out, spending a day together watching TV, shopping... since we split over 7 years ago our friendship has been non-sexual. I've always accepted this (according to my values and principals) as a 'good' friendship, filled with activities.

My girlfriend had a very big problem with this, as the activities me and my friend do together, she sees as 'romantic'. At first I was totally perplexed to her point of view and assumed she was being jealous or posessive, but I really tried to be empathic and see her point of view. When she explained how she felt about the situation, I started to see things from her perspective, even if at first I did not agree with them.

She was very very upset about the way I conduct my friendship with my ex, and she said she 'couldn't handle it', as though she was about to break up with me. We talked, and decided that if things were to continue there would need to be changes made. This did irritate me somewhat, as I know that I have no romantic interest in my housemate whatsoever, and I know my housemate would never try to come between me or my GF. I tried explaining to no avail.

However, being that our activities offended my GF's principles [cinema with just me & ex = romantic, hugs = romantic, ex cooking me some dinner = romantic, etc], and that I could see things from her point of view, a few days after we talked, we came up with a list of what isn't acceptable between me and my ex.

I was, at first, completely offended by the suggestion that things needed to change. I saw her views as a lack of trust in me. If she trusted me never to cheat on her, why impose rules and regulations on what were completely innocent and friendly activities [by MY principles]? After a while I accepted that changes needed to be made. It's difficult not to see another point of view and suddenly start agreeing to some points, especially after putting myself in her position and asking myself how I would feel... but...

I am a lot more 'easy going' than my GF is though, I would accept her going out for lunch with an ex - I trust her not to let anything happen, the same with the cinema. Despite the differences in principle, I agreed to make changes in my friendship out of the love for our relationship accepting (and in most ways, agreeing) that it was no longer right to have such a close firendship with someone so important to me in my life.

So these changes have now been made - much to my housemates displeasure. She thinks that my GF is controlling me by imposing restrictions to our 9 year friendship. I admit I do have the utmost respect for our frindship, but I have said that my relationship comes first, and that was difficult and upsetting to me.

To give you an idea of the changes made, no cinema, no cooking, no hugs, no 'making plans for the day', no getting drunk together, no eating out, no ex texting me while I am with my GF. I always saw most of these things as 'normal' parts of a healthy friendship, but because my ex still loves me, my GF needed those changes to happen. I agreed they needed to happen... but how long will it take before more rules are applied?

I AM NOT prepaired to give up a 9 year friendship. NO ONE can tell me who my friends can and can't be. That is one of my biggest principles and one I will always stick by and have stuck by for 27 years. My GF has said that she won't stop me being friends with my ex, but it has caused some awkward tension. My GF doesn't feel comfortable being in my house anymore because I share it with my ex (despite the fact it's a big house and there is plenty of privacy).

She tried to be friends with my ex, but it has failed miserably - she can't stand my ex as she thinks that she was deliberately pushing the boundaries of our friendship, she told me to wake up and see what was going on. I've tried to tell her that she has my ex worked out wrong... but she doesn't understand and is very stubborn.

She is slowly warming up to the idea of seeing my at my place again, but she will never speak to my friend. I'm just worried that the rules she has put in place will stop her concerns for now... but what about down the line? I already know that she isn't thrilled with the idea that I live there (why, if she trusts me? ).

Note: I live there because I love the house. It's been my home for 2 years. I struggled to pay the rent for a long time so asked my housemate to move in - this was about a month before I met my GF. My ex lives there because I simply CANNOT afford the place on my own. If she goes - I have to as well, and the other way around. If I go, she will have to. She is working on a temporary contract, so if she goes and the contract expires then she will be homeless. I wouldn't want that for my enemy let alone my friend.

My concern is... what will be next? Will my GF be happy with the changes? Will she want more? How many of MY principles should I bend or break in order to satisfy hers? How can I ask for a compromise if more come up, she appears to be quite stubborn, but when will she realise I have principles too? I have to trust my GF that she will stick to her promises and NOT ask me to stop being friends with my ex, but my housemate insists that that is what she is going to work up to... How would I handle that?

We talked about living together when my tenancy expires (Fall 2010), but she has since said that she can't afford it until 2012. I asked if she was happy with me living at the house until then... "I'm not thrilled with the idea" was the reply I got. Will she ask me to move out regardless of the fact it will be far more expensive for me to shoulder the costs of living alone?

Please can someone give me some advice on how to deal with this situation. A way so my GF will be happy for me to reamin in the house... stick only to the changes that have already been made without imposing more as I am unsure how many more changes can be made before my ex stops being my definition of a friend... How can I ask for a fair compromise in the future? How do I show my GF that my ex is NOT a threat to us? And how do I ease the tension that this problem has caused me and my GF... I love her with all my heart and I want her to be happy. I always try to put her first but if she threatens my core principles... how can I show her that I'm putting her first.. changing the way I conduct my friendship.. I just don't know how far I could let my principles bend.

Any advice on this rather horrible situation would be very much appreciated... anyone?

An interesting situation, and I can understand your frustration and confusion.

You have two women that love you. Each will feel threatened in their own way, simply because of that fact.

I see this as you can't have your cake and eat it too. One of them has to go.

While you only love your new girlfriend, but value friendship with your ex, your ex is in love with you, and has shown herself to be somewhat jealous- hugging and texting particularly. She seems to be protecting her turf.

Your ex has carried a flame for you for far too long, and for some reason has not let go. Perhaps that living with you, she thought that things could start up again. I think her feelings were obvious, but you didn't pick up on them. Your new girlfriend did, and she was right.

The comfort level of both women has been compromised by each other. It is probably safe to say that your ex would love to continue living with you, but will cause unease and tension all the way around.

On the other hand, if you want to move on with your life and have only one woman in it who loves you, not two, then you have a decision to make.

Your ex isn't going to stop loving you because you have a girlfriend, and your girlfriend is not willing to compete with a woman who lives with you and loves you. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either.

Maybe your ex is your friend on the outside, but on the inside, her still loving you will likely be the end of the new relationship. I don't see how you can compromise feelings. She can stop the hugging and everything else, but she still loves you and will be a thorn in your girlfriends side.

Maybe continue to test the waters for a while and see if the new relationship is really going to work out. 3 months is not a very long time to know that you want to live the rest of your life with her.

But, even if it comes to nothing, you are still left living with a woman who loves you, and that to me, doesn't seem like a very healthy friendship.

I think she's very out of line in asking you to restrict your friendship the way she has. But I also wonder if your feelings are as platonic as you imply. I think there is a reason you are still in this type of relationship with your ex. I also think there is a reason that you are balking at your new girlfriend's requests... it's because you know they're wrong and you don't like them. If you remain in both of these relationships, at some point down the line, you are going to have to choose between your girlfriend and your ex because no matter what you do, she won't feel comfortable with you living under the same roof, regardless of the trivial restrictions she puts on you and your ex's behavior. OR your ex will get fed up with the way you are treating her now that you have your new girlfriends rules to adhere to, and she will leave the situation on her own. You have a very hard decision to make, and I wish you luck. I hope my opinion was at least a little helpful.

Maybe continue to test the waters for a while and see if the new relationship is really going to work out. 3 months is not a very long time to know that you want to live the rest of your life with her.

I very much agree with this!

Ex is an ex for a reason.

Simple as that. Time to move on, by letting go of the ex. Moving forward with your girlfriend.

Jake is completely right. You can not have your cake and eat it too. Time to make a choice.

Do not let the women make it for you because it will just turn into disaster. You have to make the decision yourself.

What are you going to do, what is the right thing to do?

Its tough all right, but I feel you have little choice but, to get to know the new girl better, before you go re-arranging what seems like a very nice lifestyle. 3 months is not long enough to see where this relationship is headed, as you probably are barely scratching the surface.

Only you can know if her requests for change is unreasonable, or un-doable, or where the line is crossed, but I do feel she will reveal more later, and so will you, and you both will have a decision to make.

Pay attention, and stay alert, as you sound very fair minded, and rational with your concerns, and I think the way you deal with each other now, will tell if you're the good fit in real life, as you are on paper.

The two females around you though, may never get along, and that alone is a conflict, and drama, that may bring about a lot of changes, so for now I strongly advise you to keep them separate, until the new girl either can't stand it, or you are sure that she is the one you put first, before your friends. Until then, don't get carried away by lofty plans, that great chemistry brings early in this relationship.
I can understand her concerns, but think waiting, and see how far she carries those concerns is what has to happen, so enjoy getting to know each other, and make that decision later as more is revealed.

Hey you were living there before you met her, so she has adjustments to make too, just as you, and your ex/house mate/friend, have done to accommodate her. Fair is fair. Jealousy trumps common sense, and trust sometimes, but you will see as you proceed.

Its kind of tough for two females with strong feelings for you to be able to interact, so don't expect it, nor try to force it. Go see her at her place, or keep visits to your place short, and simple.

Way to soon to get carried away by either of them.

Personally I'd think to pick up my balls and narrow down that list to what you would think might by principally wrong (ex. Physical contact/hugs). For the rest she should live with things and 'if she can't handle it', then I'm to assume she's not all that into you after all, or she'll find out that it's livable after all. I'm probably wrong, but hey :)

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your input so far. To let you all know, the list of changes is a list that me and my partner came up with together, and I have agreed with them because they ARE the right thing to do - I didn't agree with them to 'keep the peace'. We agreed on each one of them individually and I fully intend to stick to each one to the letter - If I didn't I would feel like I was betraying her trust.

I fully agree I can't have my cake and eat it too, I only want one slice of cake and that is my Girlfriend. The other cake makes me too fat - I really don't want her to love me, I just want her friendship. I'm sure some of you may think that my ego enjoys it, but I can assure you it does not as I see how it hurts my girlfriend. :(

I totally understand why my GF and my ex don't get along, and part of the 'rules' is that the two of them don't interact. The last thing I want to do is try and encourage them to get along as I know that will cause further problems, so I totally agree with your advice there.

I feel like I have now limited my friendship with my ex to a level that I hope my GF is comfortable with. Like you all say, 3 months is still early days and I understand what that implies. We really don't know each other all that well, and currently time will tell to see how this works. At first did struggle to see her point of view as it contradicted most of my own values, which is why you may have seen it as me 'not agreeing' and balking... but I didn't want to appear stubborn, which is why I tried to empathise with her position. When I did I came to realise that with someone so special in my life, conducting my friendship in that way was unacceptable.

I let go of my ex a long, long time ago (it was me that split with her), but that does not mean I should let go of a friendship (which on my side IS purely platonic, just so we are clear). How far I would be willing to go? Well I would move out and live on my own if it were the last resort, but I would still ideally need to wait until my tenancy expires, and of course my ex has a full time position in order to support herself.

The only thing that worries me there (and my girlfriend), is as one of you has said, my ex may (on the inside) still be hoping for something, despite the time we have spent apart, and also despite the fact that I told her straight that there was no hope whatsoever. But if she is still clinging on the inside, she could deliberately not get a job in the hope that I would not feel comfortable moving out.

I explained that although she is my friend and I value her friendship, my top priority must be the feelings of my partner and so I would not take responsibility for her not having a job. Without being able to read her mind I can never know her true intentions, but I think I know her well enough to know this isn't the case. She wouldn't try and trap me like that... but could I have her that wrong after 9 years of knowing her?

Further developments:

My girlfriend and I are still quite tense. She believes that this issue (despite the rules) has caused a wedge between us. I don't hold the 'rule making' against her (it was my idea too), and I don't feel any differently, and I would have been happy to continue the pace as it was going.

However my Girlfriend has now said that it's caused loads of barriers between us and that she isn't how she used to be, that she doesn't like it and that it needs to sort itself out. I asked her to clarify what she meant by that, and she said she feels a lot more cautious about us. Were my actions REALLY that bad? I feel like Ive caused a huge problem here, just by not realising in time that my boundaries of my friendship overstepped the mark.

I CAN see how it would hurt, but to cause that level of change it seems pretty servere, and I'm struggling to understand the severity of her response to the problem and how she's needed to deal with it. Could she not have said "i dont like this, please change it or there will be problems" and carry on as normal and not hold this against me? She does still want to be with me, but it seems like we need to start from scratch.

She also needs to see that I'm losing confidence and feeling insecure... when I said we would get through this and it would make us stronger in the end she said she 'hoped so'... that doesn't exactly instill me with confidence that this can actually be resolved. I need her to believe we can do this, and it would seem silly that we couldn't work this out.

Any further advice on how I can help my GF deal with her emotions at this point? I can be patient and give her the space shee needs, but I am hurting too. I just want her to be happy.

Thanks again everyone, please keep the advice flowing :)

I don't blame your girl friend.
How would you feel if she were living with her ex knowing he is till in love with her and they are having meals together getting drunk together, come on now!
You need to be asking your friend why she still lives with you? As a woman I would not want to live with a man I'm in love with knowing he is dating other women. She is cooking for you planning days hugging and all that, there is something wrong with that picture.
Your girl friend should not have even had to ask that she not text while you were out with her, or ask that this girl not hug you, were you really that clueless?
If even if you lose the girl friend, you need to get a new room mate. That whole situation is weird.

Wow that's a strong post.

Sorry to dissagree with you but you have made several assumptions. For starters we don't get drunk - that's just a rule put in place to ensure it doesn't happen. It never did in the first place.

Second - I AM NOT DATING MY EX, and I take offence that you would say that. If my GF were living with her ex and they had a good friendship, I would repect that. I TRUST her to always be faithful and never let anything inappropriate happen. You have misunderstood the situation completely I think... even the 'cooking' - it just some grub when I get home from work late SOMETIMES, like once a month, nothing fancy, no candles or anything like that... when its simply not possible for me to cook due to time constraints. If your friend was coming home very late and would have to go to bed hungry, or you could cook something to save your friend the time, would you not do it?

Your entitled to your opinion but to directly state that I am clueless shows me you have misunderstood completely, and is quite offensive, being that I have taken all steps to ensure that it doesn't happen. One hug to say hello or good night does not constitute 'planning days hugging', so please, before you start making rash comments, if you are unsure of something, or the extent of our activities as friends please ask before posting your response.

I still appreciate your point of view, despite the strength of it.

Note, sorry I miss read your post slightly; the dating part.

My ex knows full well where she stands and that I don't want any more with her. It's her choice to stay in the house as much as mine. It's mutually convenient, and that's the only reason we live together. If she wasn't happy then it would be HER responsibility to move out.

I see no reason why I should take the responsibility of her own emotions. I'm not asking her to love me, I don't want her to love me, I just want to be her friend, and that's all she asks for.

I apologize for the getting drunk line, I thought I read that you two drink together, but I did not say you were still dating her.
Now if your girl friend were living with her ex and he was texting her while she was out with you and hugging her around you, can you honestly say that would not bother you?
It would really be out of line for him to do it in the first place. And that was my point.

Your girl friend should not have even had to ask you to not have this girl text when you are out with her, it should never have happened. Your ex should not have to be asked to cool it with the hugging, it shouldn't happen to begin with. There are some things that kind of go without saying. There should definitely be some boundaries there.

I don't understand how this girl could stand to be living with you if she is in love with you, and I don't see how that does not make you feel a bit awkward.

A woman can tell when another woman has an eye for her man so I can understand why she feels uncomfortable. But the relationship has not gone on that long, and if it fails you will hopefully have others. So you need to have a talk with your ex about boundaries when another woman is in the house or you're out with one.

That's exactly what happened, and why the rules were created in the first place. If I'm with my GF my ex doesn't contact me at all, and we never hug anymore, along with other changes that have been made (detailed earlier).

Please remember that different people have different opinions about what is acceptable and what is not according to their own principles. A previous relationship of mine had no problems with me having a hug with a friend from time to time, and yes me and my ex occasionaly drink together, but that is not to say we are going to get drunk. Would you be so controlling that you would insist that your man cannot have a drink - at all - with anyone from his past?

It's adjusting to the differences in principles that is difficult, and my point is that there should be some give and take in every relationship, and yet I seem to be the one making all the consessions. I agree with your point that I should have opened my eyes a bit sooner, but I didn't realise it was a problem with my current partner until it blew up out of nowhere. If she had let me know sooner, given a hint that she wasn't happy then I could have done something to prevent the situation, or at the very least reduce the severity of it.

I can see you clearly think that I was totally in the wrong with this one, that's fine. I even agree with you, I should have realised that each person require different boudaries between friends - but until she told me, how was I supposed to know? She was very good at keeping her emotions checked because there were no red flags for me to see.

Please see past who is to blame and stop pointing the finger at me because I can't see that pointing out who to blame is helping. Believe me, I know I am to blame, which is why I am here asking for advice from you all on how to resolve it... so please help me and suggest ways I can resolve the issue beyond what I have already done, instead of making me feel more ashamed than I already do.

You said

"You did mention drinking, I thought you did. These may be things in a normal friendship but not one with a female roommate that is still in love with you. There should be some boundaries and you and your roommate should have known better.

In one way, I can see how you might feel like you are between a rock and a hard place. You could give your ex notice, and move, or she could move, and you could get a male roommate. That would be ideal, and certainly show your girlfriend that you are serious.

There are to many rules and stops and negotiating going on, and you've only been together three months.

If you do move, that would eliminate all the other 'women' problems, meaning that your ex is still in love with you, and showing it, but physically living apart should end it entirely, and the ex would have to get on with her life without you.

Remember her friendship with you is based on love. Yours is based on friendship. While you did not love her back as anything more than a friend, she was quite content to be with the man she loves, on your terms. It was better than nothing, and worked quite well.

You can't juggle two women at once, and I'm not sure you understand that. It is either risk your girlfriend getting fed up and moving on, or leaving your ex, and also risking that your girlfriend will still be in the picture. No guarantees, but if it doesn't work out, and you stay where you are, you can be sure that the next serious woman you are interested in, will feel the same way, and you'll be back to square one again.

I don't doubt that you are sincere. And I do see why you would hesitate to lose one over the other. But, I cannot see how such a friendship will ever be comfortable with a woman who sees it quite differently than you do.

If you find yourself single again, and wondering what went wrong, my bet is that your ex will be right there to console you, and re-establish her role in the relationship. She is after all, in love with you.

I'm not really pointing the finger at you, I just don't understand how you could not have seen that would bother your girl friend.

I'm not understanding your roommate. She knows how she feels about you, and she also knows how that would make your girl friend feel.
You're not making concessions, you're setting boundaries, which should have been there to begin with, but especially now that you know how the ex feels about you.

Karta666,

You know what you will get different opinions and different points of view but no matter what is said or advised. You still have to make your own decisions in your own life.

I would have to sit here and agreewith Homegirl 50

No matter what happens with this girlfriend. You need your friend to find her own place and you need to try to live on your own without any help.

You could always find another roommate or even sometime in your future live with your girlfriend but that situation with the ex, does need to change especially when you say there is no hope for any future, yet she does love you.

The thing is by living together no matter what way you take it. It gives her false hope of sometime getting together. No matter what.

I can see all your points, these are things I do understand. I believe it's going to come down to the fact that my roommate will HAVE to go for this relationship to work. If she stays, there is alwas going to be a nagging thorn in my GF's side, and I do not want that.

But then what will happen after that? My ex will still love me. So then I say to my GF I'm going to go and see her as a friend and that will throw the whole thing up in the air again, all of her doubts and concerns will come back because I am in the same space as my ex.

Keep the advice rolling please. :)

That is a very interesting point. I'd not thought of it like that before... if I'd have known she still loved me I wouldn't have asked her to move in in the first place. I'm not that stupid! :p

But it really looks like she'll have to go... can I wait until the tenancy expires, or should I give my notice and hope she has a full time job by then.. I'll also have to save up another deposit to move out. Now I know she loves me I have to admit I have felt awkawrd but not to the point that I've wanted to end the friendship because of it.

If she is such a good friend, you should care. Friends do that for each other. Maybe it is the woman in me, but I would feel very uncomfortable living as friends with a man knowing he was in love with me. I would feel uncomfortable about bringing another man in to that space. I think I would have to ask him to leave, or maybe he would get tired of the torture and leave on his own. But if we were truly long time friends, I would be concerned and suggest he move.
But I guarantee, when another woman comes in your life you will have the same problem.

You don't go hanging out with your ex knowing how she feels about you, you don't go see her. What would be the point?