I have been dating a divorced man off and on for the past five years. I finally realized that he has commitment phobia after reading an article on the internet, called " Conquering CommitmentPhobia
By Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. from the Commitment-Phobia.com site. He had a tramatic event in his marriage that really messed up his trust levels in relationships. He has broken up with me about 10 times, most of which were not solid reasons. I was going crazy down the path of trying to figure him out, everything from split-personality to Bi-polar and I knew it was none of those. I'm glad I found an answer finally. He wasn't even getting an answer from a therapist when he was going to see them( probably even didn't discuss his commitment issues in fear of finding out he had them). The last time we were in an official "relationship" was over a year ago although we saw each other throughout the year with no titles. I figured it was the best way to not make him feel overwhelmed. Over the period of the 5 years I feel we have made some headway but still not there yet. I am a super patient person very much in love with him. I know he loves me but is afraid to admit it although he has in the past said those words. He has many signs in how he treats me that shows it. Still all in all, I need to know how best to talk about this issue to him openly where he won't run from it. I believe in this man with all my heart. He is a diamond in the rough and I want him forever because I can't wait until he is free from this commitment phobia because I know in my heart, our relationship has only touched the tip of the iceberg and there is so much more that could be explored for us. Even though this last time he has told me he was seeing someone, which I don't even know it's the truth, I believe he will be back and whether he is actually seeing someone, I am not worried. I think this may be a way for him to have some space for him to think. He has told me he realizes he has not treated me right over the years. He also has told me he has never been happier or more comfortable with anyone else.
I need suggestions how to approach him with this idea of commitment phobia and need to hear how someone else has succeeded in overcoming this in their partner. I am an overcomer and I have much faith. I use this time away from him as a way to revitalize myself, go out with my friends and relax and re-strengthen myself for the next time we talk. Can commitment phobia be healed?

I am aware of what a commitment phobia is, whilst you may be correct in your assumption of it being triggered by something in this persons marriage brought this phobia into his conscious mind, it had however more than likely been residing in his subconscious mind for many years possibly since his childhood, this is where many of our adult problems stem from, it is often through something traumatic that happened in childhood.

It could be brought under control with therapy or hypnosis either way the person who has this phobia will need to face some demons mostly the one from his childhood that put this phobia there.

Like with all things we have been traumatised by in childhood or even in adulthood, the person with the phobia has to want to be rid of it. Has to be willing to face whatever it is that's the underlying cause, but some people never get to the stage where they want this because most don't know they have any problems.

Perhaps the description of this condition fits your partners outward demeanor, it could be something totally unconnected to a phobia of any kind.

Maybe you need to become a little more assertive and make your intentions known maybe your partner is waiting for this, more so than his having a commitment phobia, perhaps you see the description fitting how he is because you are wanting to put some lable on how your relationship with him has become.

You can certainly broach the subject with him at some point, whether he will see this in the same manner that you do though, may not be how he sees himself. Many people hear the words phobia and head for the hills they associate them with mental or psychiatric disorders.

You said in your post that you are very patient, and will wait, perhaps you should not be so patient, maybe a little assertiveness is needed here.

I recommend whatever you do please tread carefully some people aren't happy thinking they've been psycho analysed by their girlfriends. JMO

It is an inadvertent invasion of his privacy.

I think a safer bet would be to lay your cards down and tell him its time he made his mind up, you or not you, don't be so readily available to him, be evasive be busy don't be there when it suits him, make him put himself out for you that would probably spurr him into action.

Thank-you for responding to my question. I appreciate all answers I receive. I was almost giving up for no answers. I know probably many of you that have read my question and not responded back, you must see this as a hopeless case. NOT ME!

Only one more question to give some thought to you... How far would you go to someone you truly love? Some people haver told me to give up and find someone new so many times. Nowadays people give up way too much without trying a little harder. So many bad marriages or unhappy people. So many people think it's better to give up than to work on things... Obviously not me! I will love him forever!

Whilst I commend you for your loyalty and sheer determination, you aren't being given this same devotion loyalty and respect back, you say yourself your partner has been with other women in the 5 years or so you've been with him.

I would ask you to please consider this, maybe your partner doesn't have a commitment phobia, but it suits him to let you think this, it's a very convenient cop out for not showing or giving you the respect you are entitled to.

You could persevere with this man for the rest of your life, somehow I don't see him taking his relationship with you seriously, no offence but why should he when he doesn't have to work at acquiring your affections, added to that he can go off and play away from home sos to speak whenever his little heart desires.

If he hasn't offered you more after all this time then I don't think he ever will, in a way he's got his cake and is eating it.

Try to look at this in a different perspective. I hope you do see the light. I really do. You sound like a very loyal and caring person.

Stop trying to cure him, and enjoy a relationship with no title. You can be exclusive, and define yourselves by treating each other well. He may never get fixed, but at least you can be comfortable with each other, and enjoy your time on earth together.