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nancypilo · Jul 14, 2010, 12:56 PM

My BF and I have been living together for 4 months and are engaged. When we first started dating, he told me LOTS of stories about his many past relationships, including sexual details - way too many details. I know he loves me, but these details keep haunting me. He even discovered a box of "sex toys" which I had the misfortune of seeing when he went through the stuff he moved into my place. The things in that box haunt me almost daily. Part of it is that I know he's been with A LOT of women compared to my 3 - part of it is that knowing all these details makes me feel compared to them, even if he's not doing that and part is that with ALL the VAST experience he has, there is no way I'm his "first" anything. He got into some pretty kinky stuff. I love him and I want to get past this, but it's truly driving me nuts. He has a bad habit of bringing up his ex's all the time, usually to complain about them, but I want to scream every time he mentions them. What do I do? And... saying "the past is the past and he's with you now" really doesn't help.

I wish · Jul 14, 2010, 01:04 PM

First off, have you told him about all your concerns? Have you mentioned to him how much it bothered you when he brought up his ex? If so, has he made a conscious effort to keep them out of the conversations?

If he keeps bringing up his ex, it sounds more like you're his rebound, more than his fiancé.

You need to sort out your issues by talking to him. Communication is key. Your concerns are valid, but he's the one giving you insecurities. So he's the one who can also make you feel secure.

Go talk to him. Be calm and honest when you discuss these issues with him. Don't escalate the situation by creating an argument. Work together as team to sort this out.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 14, 2010, 02:09 PM

I actually had this problem... I was the boyfriend who kept mentioning his exes... mainly because I'm the type to befriend my exes (some time after the breakup) and since we still keep in touch, I share with my girlfriend the funny stories/antics that I've incurred with my exes.

One day, she sat me down and asked me not to talk about my exes anymore, because it made her feel somewhat insecure.

I understood, and I made an effort to stop talking about them. Granted, sometimes, it comes up, but I have made a conscious effort to stop.

sully123 · Jul 14, 2010, 02:13 PM

I agree you need to sit down and address these issues with him. Tell him it hurts you, to bring up his exes. He is with you and no them..

Romefalls19 · Jul 14, 2010, 02:18 PM

Open the lines of communication and talk to him about how you feel. That's the biggest problem with relationships, not being able to talk to the other about what is bothering them.

kingjim103 · Jul 14, 2010, 04:47 PM

I had a similar problem with my ex. Early on in the relationship, before we got serious, we'd tell each other about sexual experiences we'd had with our exes. At the time it felt insignificant. When we realised we were getting serious, these things drove me crazy and it made me feel horrible thinking about it! I spoke to her and it turned out she felt the same way, so we agreed to never speak of that sort of thing again! After a while, these things got to me less and less, to the point where I hardly gave them a thought.

What I'm saying is that you should speak to him, and ask him not to tell you these things. But, more than that, the things he has already told you will become less important with time, and one day you'll realise they don't matter!

positiveparent · Jul 14, 2010, 05:03 PM

I think it's a lot of bravado and an over active imagination. Any man who knows his stuff, says absolutely nothing about it, he doesn't brag doesn't have a selection of toys to brag to you about, or anything of the kind, the man who is is totally confident but in a very sexy and sultry way, its not his collection of toys that he gets his name by its how he treats a woman, I think the b.f is actually thinking he's impressing you with all of these props, to me that would immediately signal someone who wanted to give the appearance of being some kind of valentino, who in real term only had an adventuorous love life in his head.

I could be wrong, but I think its all a big show to impress you or give the illusion, The man that knows his stuff, wouldn't use the same toy on different girls he buys his toys in if and when he wants them, brings out new treats, especially, like everything else about him the man who can, has good taste and class.

That's my opinion, he may be trying to be a player. But not all that good at that even.

Its amazing how many men get their experiences from Fiesta or other male mags, its harmless they need to stroke their egos once in a while.

If he is for real you'll soon find out.
How the b/f is according to how you've told us, is actually what I would call crass, he wants to believe he's the bees knees but he isn't he's the bees cobblers...

talaniman · Jul 18, 2010, 07:55 AM

Wondering why you just don't tell him to shut the hell up?