I have lived with my girl for nine years she moved out in June because I didn't show her love, value her or put her first in my life, this has been the past three years I also drowned my problems in beer. I have stopped drinking have gone to councling attend AA. We see each other every Wednesday night and every weekend are spent together, she tells me she doesn't trust I won't go back to my old ways , I have apologized, have been showing and telling her how much I love and need her. I am 50 she is 49 we are not exclusive yet she has a friend for sex only that bothers me I'm not sure what else I can do to win her back any advice.

Lets see... you AREN'T married... she has someone else for a booty buddy... and expects to be the queen #1 above everything else in your life?

Sure you have your own issues that you are dealing with (and I commend you for that)... but WHY do you want her back? Sounds like a prima-donna to me?

I assume you were exclusive when you two were living together or is that a bad assumption?

People show patterns in their behaviors and yours have been full of poor choices for some time. It sounds like you are on the right path but she's going to have to see consistency in your behaviors. Then it's up to her whether she believes the new pattern. Just remain consistent and see where it ends up.

Yes we were exclusive, she has had abandonment issues from her past and has told me I brought them to the forefront. She has said she doesn't want me to let her go but needs time to process and firgive

Then remain consistent and let her have that time. Anything else and this will just end badly.

I think we men want instant results while women take their time to analyze. I wish I listened to her sooner, I do feel she is giving me another chance why else would we spend so much time together and she talks about future plans.

"I think we men want instant results while women take their time to analyze." Very true.

Also if she does take you back it isn't a free pass to revert back to your old ways. She will greatly appreciate what you have learned from this.

I cannot address whether she will come back to you, but until you get a year or more of sobriety under your belt, make your recovery the priority and not the status of the relationship.

She is totally right NOT to trust you or your future behavior. Accept that FACT, and rebuild yourself and find good orderly direction to help you manage your life. Apologies mean little when you have crushed someone else's life, and you don't regain what 3 years of bad behavior has cost you in a few months.

Work on yourself and let her see a better you for herself in her own way and time. You should be grateful just to have that one day a week contact for now. Ask yourself though for your own good, if she cut all contact would you still be making your meetings, and trying to stay sober? If she decides not to come back after all of this will you stay sober?

While I commend the path you are on, if you are doing it to get her back, you will fail, so be very clear with YOURSELF about your own motives and intentions. If you have NOT gotten a sponsor to guide you through your steps, then you only fool yourself with your half a$$ing.

Good Luck with your recovery... whether she comes back or NOT!

I would say you may want to just make a break, there is little use in a once a week relationship, where she says she will not trust you. (unless she is a booty call for you also) and that is what you are getting out of it.

Time to move on, meet someone who knows you for sober and wants a life with you.

Unless she is willing to start couples counseling, and try to be a real couple, it sounds like a waste of time.

She is not helping you with the struggle you are going through personally, she is only adding insult to injury.

While you have identified your faults, and taken charge of your life to change, she controls you because you are doing all the right things for the wrong reasons.

Why? Because you cannot change for anybody but yourself. While you put yourself through the agony of facing your demons, and try to become a sober, productive, stable person, she is seeing someone else, and, you accept this, and you try hard to win her back.

She does not sound like the sort of support that will see you successful. This isn't about her. It is about you. She is not helpful or supportive as a sincere person would be- she's dangling you from a thread in case she likes what she sees, and allows you a second chance.

And she has another man on the side, and you cannot just minimize that that he is 'only' a booty buddy. She likes what she has with this other man, and she likes the idea that if you change enough, she will have a choice to make.

She is not helping you, she is hindering you.

For any relationship to work, both parties have to be committed to each other- through thick and thin, sickness and health. It is telling that she has abandoned you, when you need her the most. Then to add insult to injury, you take on the difficult task of changing and dealing with addiction- actually actively doing something concrete about it- and she keeps you hanging, and you let her.

Again- you need to change for yourself and yourself only. If you see your success in only conquering your demons in order to win her back, what happens when she doesn't want you back, or takes you back only to decide she'd rather not have to actually care enough to deal with you, and support you, and be 'all in' for the long haul and leaves, or continues with the boyfriend on the side.

I think you can do better. While you hinge your success on what sounds like a bad relationship to me, you will lose much ground by thinking that your life will be better with her, and you will likely discover that had she been serious about you, she would not be with another man, and her only focus would have been to see you successful. She would share in your success, and encourage your recovery, and support your goals of changing your life around.

But, she doesn't.

If she should 'allow' you back into her life, I would advise you to think along the same lines, and really think hard about allowing her back into yours. At least not without some boundaries to protect yourself from falling again back into that dark hole of despair.

I would also advise you that any relationship undergoing such dramatic changes as you have done for yourself, should involve changes on her part as well. There were likely many excuses and faults on BOTH sides of this coin. Expect her to attend couples counseling for example. See if that doesn't reveal at least some truth to her commitment. You do not need to go down the same path again.

Take charge of your own life.

It's not ounce a week that we see each other we spend four out of seven together. I have asked her if she wants me to be done with her, she says no and is angry that I didn't treat her this way all along. She has given me many chances to change her point were valid like I allowed my 19yr lod son to bring girls to his bedroom and smoke weed in our house, I was afraid if I set boundaries with him he would go back with his mom I now after councling and reading books have set them with him. To see us together you would think we are a couple and she does support me in not drinking, she has said she does not want this guy because he has four kids and doesn't want to raise someone else's kids. She could be feeding me a line also. We are great together when I am not drinking, I don't know what else I can do.

And
Are you two still having sexual relations?

No we are not, nothing more than holding hands and kissing

Get off the pity pot!

She doesn't want this other guy, and yet continues to see him for sex... while still wanting to have a relationship with you and not let you go. She has abandonment issues and your behavior brought them to the forefront.

What has she done to deal with her own demons? It is admirable that you are trying to turn your life around, but to have a chance at building a strong, and healthy, relationship with this woman, the two of you will have to be willing to work together for a common cause. Right now, that isn't happening... at least not from her side. There is no room for a third person in the relationship.

Consider continuing to see and talk with her, but also keep your own heart guarded, because she is not ready to give you what you want, or need, right now. It's not all on you to make the relationship what it should have been.

We talked this weekend about how she feels about my alcoholism and her growing up with an alcoholic mother while I was raised by ward and have been cleaver. Al-anon my be a good program for her or both of us I didn't conceded how my stink ng made her feel unloved, not Worthy. Last night I read a book on living with an alcoholic I learned a new onsite on what I did to the ones I loved most I am passing it on to her to read. I would like to thank everyone for their input in my problems I think I get better advice here than from my therapist. Lol