Can I let the anger go and Stop verbally abusing?
This is the deal... There is this girl that I have had relationship with for roughly 7 years now. Here is the basic run down... We met each other our senior year in high school and immediately began an intense relationship. We both went to different colleges after high school (Within an Hour of each other) and managed to keep a happy, and what I thought was open relationship until about her third year into school when she called me up freaking out because she cheated on me the night before. This devastated both of us and after the first initial period of fighting and yelling we began a sick attempt at pretending it never happened which failed because we ended up fighting about it and she could never let go of her guilt and I could never learn to forgive her as well. After about a year of going back and forth we decided to quit. A year later we start what I thought was trying to re-kindle the relationship. Many of her words and actions led me to believe we were trying to work it out... well what do you know she messes around with one of my good friends totally out of left field. The relationship between them never lasted passed that night but I cut all contact with her for over a year and one day we saw each other and it started up again. I know... initially your probably like you idiot what are you doing giving her these chances? But we genuinely had something worth fighting for. We both knew it and we learned to grow from our mistakes. We have always been like two peas in a pod. Our careers, interests, and feelings go hand in hand, it clicks. She has been diagnosed with classical bi-polar disorder and we can track these two events to times when she was having extended bi-polar episodes. This is my problem, the two times she betrayed our relationship was over a 6 year period with mainly awesome times in between. After getting her some help we began successfully repairing our relationship. But now it’s me, I have been having these verbally abusive outbursts towards her, it doesn’t happen often but when it does it is devastating to our relationship. I think I have built up anger and it comes out when we fight sometimes... normally when the fight escalates to high anger levels then I end up linking things to her cheating. Last night I was drunk and for no reason flipped out and started verbally attacking her. Calling her a worthless Wh#%&, Slut, and telling her I want her gone forever. Throwing X girlfriends in her face, etc. This is not the first time I have done this. A couple of times I was completely sober ( I may drink twice a month) and the argument escalated and I started throwing passed events in her face saying all kinds of nasty and horrible things about her. I mean sometimes I say some extremely damaging things. This is really complex because of the years of ignoring these feeling of anger. Now she has put forth an honest effort to be honest but now I can’t seem to forget about everything. She does still play her games as women do but I think I'm way out of line calling her these names. She has paid her debt and now I want to let it go. Just a little into my verbal abuse: its not the daily kind where I'm always making mean remarks, or trying to make her feel inferior, or just being mean in general, like the symptoms and signs I have read on a number of sites, its something that I feel is totally ignored until we have a big fight and the anger just flows out of me. Its just we have so much fun, and do so much to better each others lives, it would be a waste and emotionally taxing if we didn’t make it work. But she can’t take this emotional abuse, and I can't stand giving it to her anymore. This is something that just started becoming a problem in the last 3 or 4 months. Are we doomed?? Am I the bad guy here?? Can People figure out a way to let the bad go so we can save the good?? How??
|