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    Angelicus's Avatar
    Angelicus Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Nov 15, 2011, 04:45 PM
    Broke up with boyfriend and feel guilty.
    So here's the deal, I'll be honest as to how it happened, because how else am I going to get advice any other way that is worth listening to.

    Me and my boyfriend of 10 years have been distant since Feb 2011. We haven't had sex but twice since then. I was playing an online game and started talking to this guy, completelty innocent at first. We talked about my boyfriend and he asked me at one point if I still loved him after all that has happened in those 10 years. I hesitated and said yes. That's when I started crying and I said no, not really. We are not the same people we once were and we have grown apart. Neither of us (The ex and I) had a lot in common, he liked chick flicks, watching Oprah, making blankets and loathes video games. Now see for me, I love action / sci-fi movies, comic books, video games and all kinds of electronic geeky stuff.

    I started talking to this new guy more and more and I ralized that I had more in common with him than I had with anyone that I have met so far. I told him that I was breaking up with my boyfriend and I did. I asked him if he would like to date me (This didn't all happen at the same time by the way, it was over a coarse of a month or so) and he said he didn't know. A few days later he said yes, I do want to date you. Now here is my dilema.

    When I am talking to the new guy, I constantly think about the ex and if he is OK. He was really upset by the split and honestly, he left me twice so he could find himself and when he did he told me that he wanted me to see what it would be like without him and then maybe I would spend more time with him. When he left the first time I came home to a note on the table, Dog, car TV and money was all gone. 2nd time, he said he was going to visit family, was an hour drive. I called to see if he was OK and no one knew where he was. After 3 days he called me and said that we needed space and that he wants me to choose between him and my recreations.

    I did choose him, but when he came back (after 1.5 months) he lost his job because he was gone to long so I have had to pay all the bills along the way. I asked him to get ANY job to help me and he refuses to, he only wants to do one type of work. I explained that I was stressed and we both needed to do what it takes to get bills paid, have money to save and money to spend going out but he didn't care. He was waiting for his old job to reconsider and they never did.

    The more time passed, the more distant we became. No we are separated, living in the same house still. I wouold never put him out, he has no where to go, no money and no car. The new guy wants me to move to mexico in feb 2012 and that is what I am planning to do, however I feel so horrible about us breaking up, me finding someone and trying to be happy and a part of me tells me that I don't deserve it because I was technically talking to this guy before my relationship was actaully over. I now have been 2nd guessing myself, should I tell the new guy that I had a moment of weakness, that I am sorry and that I need to try and work it out. Or should I stay with the new guy because it is normal for me to feel this way.

    I have never seen my ex cry the way he did when I told him it was over. I want so badly to be with this new guy because I feel that he just gets me if that makes sense. But, at the same time I feel that I should try and work it out and see if things will get better. I am on the fence about it, now that this guy and I have been dating for a few eeks, I really don't want to break his heart, like I broke my ex's. What should I do?
    pandead's Avatar
    pandead Posts: 280, Reputation: 228
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    #2

    Nov 15, 2011, 05:08 PM
    Ok, first of all, don't feel bad about leaving someone who makes no effort to get a job to help you and is not aware of what life actually is. You sound more like you are worrying about your kid than your long term boyfriend.

    Second, how desperate are you? Did you even meet the new guy, February is in 3 months and you are moving to MEXICO? Come on, don't you want to spend some time alone or at least as friends with that guy before you jump into another relationship? You asked him if he wanted to "date you"... He said he didn't know. He can seem strong in a video game. He may be a sharp shooter in CoD, good coordinator in LoL, he may be a level 85 paladin, it just doesn't mean anything in real life.

    Wake up, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. Leave your boyfriend and get your own life back.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Nov 15, 2011, 08:15 PM
    I can see dumping a guy after 10 years, but jumping right into a rebound after a few weeks on line? That's crazy. Maybe I misunderstood, as you say you have been dating, but was it in person?

    Doesn't matter, a few weeks to commit to anything with anyone? Not that ideal of a situation. I think it takes longer to know a stranger, and a lot longer to get over a ten year relationship.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #4

    Nov 16, 2011, 11:00 PM
    I agree, after 10 years, you should have learned to talk.
    Maybe you never have. Goals, etc.. Growing together. Young. Lazy, Whatever. A couple?

    I've been there. Sometimes it takes this to realize what's right. And wrong.
    For you. What is it?

    What do you want? Really?

    "The new guy"?
    Any better?

    You gottta know YOU, first.

    Time for a change, one way or another.

    What are you doing?


    Angelicus's Avatar
    Angelicus Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Nov 17, 2011, 03:51 PM
    I am still confused about the situation and the perspectives that are given here are really helpful. I think I need to work on myself and get to feeling better about myself and why I felt I needed to end it. It still hurts and I know it's going to for a while, I was feeling really bad seeing him hurt and upset (the ex) But I know now that I need to do what is best for me and I wish him the best of luck and he'll always be my friend, I never stopped loving him, I just fell out of love with him if that makes sense.
    shortyb's Avatar
    shortyb Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Nov 19, 2011, 12:16 PM
    Something must be missing in this I'm on the same page with everyone else have you met this online friend in person and was it a game like cod or something//?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Nov 19, 2011, 12:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Angelicus View Post
    I am still confused about the situation and the perspectives that are given here are really helpful. I think I need to work on myself and get to feeling better about myself and why I felt I needed to end it. It still hurts and I know it's going to for a while, I was feeling really bad seeing him hurt and upset (the ex) But I know now that I need to do what is best for me and I wish him the best of luck and he'll always be my friend, I never stopped loving him, I just fell out of love with him if that makes sense.
    Makes perfect sense. It takes time to adjust to changing feelings for both partners. Don't expect him to adjust as fast as you do, nor think he is okay with just friends. It takes TIME for you both, and hurt takes longer, when you are alone, as he will be.

    Recognize you have accepted your need to move forward for yourself, but he isn't quite there yet.

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