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    kishimoto's Avatar
    kishimoto Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 21, 2007, 07:58 PM
    Break-up vent
    Hi. My long distance relationship with my girlfriend ended out-of-the-blue with a phone call she gave me. We had been dating 5 months. And it was pretty crazy. The good kind. When we met we just 'clicked' and for a time there was nothing but euphoria. We met a month before I was about to leave to another town 6hrs drive away. My plan before I met her was to work for a year and come back to the city. I worked 8days on, 4 off shift work and would visit every 2nd break, at least.

    Things went awry a month ago. We love each other, but we could see we have different expectations and wants from a relationship. We were both very open and communicative in our relationship. From past experiences I know that's its important not to hide feelings and play games. I didn't do those things. Well, I tried not to.

    She said that she still loves me. That I should go see her one last time this weekend. That we should still try and be friends. I don't know. I have stuff there. But stuff can be replaced. Broken hearts don't mend easily. There's just too much and its too heavy. And there is no way I can be happy whether I go or not. But going does give closure.

    Her reasoning was that she needed time to find herself. Which I can understand. She spent 2 yrs with her ex. Had 2 fuk buddies. Then I met her. The time since her last fb was 3months and ex boyfriend was 6months. I think she never really had much time to be alone. Her last year was stressful working and failing some studies. I have tried to be as supportive as I could. I know she has tried her best as well. So in the last 3 years she's been in constant relationships of one sort or another.

    As for me. I've had a lot of casual relationships and fb's. But only had one previous relationship that I was serious about. Lasted 3yrs. I had a serious problem with cheating on gf's. It was habitual and I was a sex addict. But before I met my current exI decided to be by myself for awhile (18months) and figure stuff out. Which I did. And I never cheated on her. She doesn't know about any of that. But I guess its important as in this relationship I tried my best to not make any previous mistakes. Be in the right frame of mind. And be true to her and myself. Be open and ready to meet halfway.

    I can understand her reasoning. She wanted someone to talk to and have fun with. Her own words. I wanted her attention. We'd chat and text daily. But there came a point where she felt she 'had' to do those things in order to please me. I guess I am pretty insecure. We'd chat about this and we always ended up compromising and reaffirming our affection. We never had financial problems. My work paid OK and we always did whatever we wanted. She felt that it was a fight over control in the relationship. I didn't. But in the initial phase of our relationship she had trouble finding Full time work and only had casual. But I can see now the perceived perception she may have had. Like I was 'buying' her or something. But to be honest all I wanted was for her to be happy. Baubles and trinklets were things I liked to buy because I had to work so hard for them. It made me feel good that I could buy/do whatever we wanted, within reason. So I think she felt obliged in some way. Finding full time working gave her independence and confidence in herself and I think that keeping up the effort she thought she had to do in the relationship was too much. She said she felt unsure at times what she should be doing and second guessing. Big fat warning signs they were. I asked for more than she was able to give. And so we are here.

    I have never ever stayed friends with an ex. Whether I broke it up or they did. She as well. We both had the same reasoning. That its too painful to see someone when you/they still have romantic feelings. And if it didn't work the first time round then it won't later on.

    I just don't get it though. I am willing to bend over backwards, to compromise myself and do anything to save, what I think is a worthy relationship and a good match. But when asked if we could continue this at a later date she said she wasn't sure. That no promises could be made, although she would like to. I feel as though she is confused about herself and needs space to find out who she is. What she wants and what she wants from others. It would be so much easier if she flat out said. We don't match. I don't love you. Or. I love you, but I need some time alone. Let's try this again in a few months.

    The final straw that broke the camels back. I know when and where and what I was thinking. I always felt that if I did not call her she never would. I called her 6pm on a weekend. I asked how she was andsome small talk and then quickly made excuses to leave saying I was going to sleep after a long day work. When really I wanted to stay and chat because there is nothing better than talking with her after work. WHy I did this? In some stupid way I wanted her to miss me like I miss her. Instead in ended upa mind. And I think I've done that on more than one occasion. Later that night We chatted on msn. And at 10pm she wanted to leave for a PvP tournie on her favourite game LineageII (like World of Warcraft). I wanted to wait up. But I said to myself I wouldn't as it annoyed me that the game was more important. But truth is. That was her relaxation time. I left a message on msn 'got bored waiting up. Will have to get my fix of you tomoz. <enter soppy bit here>'. And I think that's when she realised it was too much. I was sending signals what she should and shouldn't be doing I guess.

    As I think about it, our time is over. We had our chance and we lost focus or she has realised that this is not what she wants in a relationship. We never really spent enough time just doing nothing and solely spending time together to learn the unspoken language between us. If we had then perhaps we wouldn't second guess ourselves because we could have had more surity in what the other was feeling. She did her best and so did I. These things happen. Even when both sides don't want it to happen. If I knew we'd get to together again I could wait forever and a day. She gives me what I want and need in a relationship as well as being a peer whom I admire. I wished I could have done the same for her. I want a chance though. To make right any wrongs. To be with her. Its an uphill battle and atm there is nothing I can do but watch from the sidelines.

    In the short breathe of time we shared I loved more than I ever thought I could and I grasped too tightly. I think she felt I was crushing her personality. She is strong and always had disdain for the norm and conforming. Basically I feel I screwed up a perfect thing.

    The fall sux
    Ciao
    mckenzie134's Avatar
    mckenzie134 Posts: 647, Reputation: 67
    Senior Member
     
    #2

    May 21, 2007, 09:04 PM
    Good post mate 5 months is nothing a breath in the wind. I know how you feel I've been there going through it at the moment you exact situation and from reading your post 3 times I know exactly where you went wrong. You think you feel bad how's 3 1/2 years and you know what I heard exactly what you heard word for word! She just wants time to work on herself Don't YOU JUST LOVE THAT

    What that actually means is Ive seen or heard from you too often and we are pretty much becoming like girlfriends not boyfriend and girlfriend!!

    That's it have you noticed girls will drop rhere girlfriends and spend more time with a boyfriend and they will actually drift apart from there friends that is because they feel thatt they have spent a lot of time with there girlfriends but now they have something new they don't need them as much. What happens is though you spend or hear from each other to often, WHICH IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE she starts to feel like she is missing doing oter things and that's where you get I want to be on my own to learn about myself.

    This all ends up being like this if you spend more time talking and with her she misses what she hasn't got being single ON THE OTHER HAND IF YOU SPEND LESS TIME TALKING AND KEEP BUSY SHE MISSES YOU!! It's that SIMPLE GIRLS WANT WHAT THEY HAVE NOT GOT SO IF YOU Don't SEE THEM OR TALK ENOUGH THEY TELL THEIR MINDS THAT THEY WANT TO SEE YOU MORE AND THEY LOVE YOU!! IF YOU SEE THEM ALL THE TIME WHAT DO THEY MISS

    YOU GOT IT BEING SINGLE!!

    You had the right idea like me but somhow you became very involved and forgot you must make a girl feel like she needs you and misses you if you don't she will feel like she misses being siongle if your always there!!

    That's all it is. You still have hope here buit your right about the straw that broke the camels back that was toppiung it off and made her feel like she needed to be single.

    You NOW have to pull back and disappear don't talk to her for a while that's your go . Easy for me to say and hard for you to doo . But if you think about it that's what we have been talking about when your not there she will need you. Give it a go let us know how you go
    xiaocake's Avatar
    xiaocake Posts: 56, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    May 21, 2007, 09:18 PM
    I am glad that you said you avoided the previous mistakes. It would be a beginning for your knowledge of true love. That you care about her and respect what she felt is good and mature. She needs time, and so do you. Love in a person's life would not be easy to find. If you two care about each other and could make progress together, you would have a everlasting friendship. I believe you would be happy.
    :>
    AW805's Avatar
    AW805 Posts: 283, Reputation: 43
    Full Member
     
    #4

    May 21, 2007, 09:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kishimoto
    Things went awry a month ago. We love each other, but we could see we have different expectations and wants from a relationship.
    You said everything right there... different expectations and wants from a relationship.
    kishimoto's Avatar
    kishimoto Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    May 22, 2007, 01:58 AM
    Thank you to those who have replied. 'Net is a great place shout with anominity. 5 months is very short. But the feelings were intense and I tried so much harder than I did with the girl I was with for 3 years, or any of the others. There are many people in this life that we could be compatible with. With whom we could have a long relationship with. I have been with people whom I knew it would end - shortly, and others whom I knew it would end, just not when. And others yet with whom I could see possibility. She had the most of any person I've met. And, like all everyone who reads this, I have met many. We progressed rapidly and even she was thinking about long term. That frightened her she said. That was something I thought about. But the next year was far enough for me. There's a few years between us and at different stages in life. She was special. Its always difficult to separate fantasy from reality when you're in love. But she really is a beautiful, smart, strong young woman. I always had a thing for singers and dancers.

    Logically you are all correct. And I know that if I want to have a second chance I need to keep a distance and let her decide. Only she can decide to come back, willingly. All I can do is keep the door ajar. But I will go see her this weekend. Pick up some belongings left behind. Tie loose ends and such. But ah emotion do make one act irrationally at times. I was never one to give up silently. In this case my only option is to be mute. But does give me time to ponder, contemplate, decide, wait and act. The most important thing here is the lessoned learned. The ones that scar you tend not to forget.

    Peoples wants and expectations are not static. In a relationship they are ever evolving. But I was too self involved with work and myself to listen enough, I would say. Work is demanding. It was perhaps too demanding. A position with less responisbility would have helped. I would have needed her less and had more time for myself and time for herself. Instead too much importance was placed on the relationship. But if given the chance to choose between the two I would have chosen her in a heartbeat I can't fault her. She had faults, but in this scenario even I think she did the right thing for herself. I hate it that I can empathize.

    Deep down I feel as though I deserved it. It was far too good. Perhaps subconsciously I sabotaged it. My comeuppance. If this happened a couple of years ago my first reaction would be to go out and shag everything in sight. But that idea just doesn't excite me anymore. It sickens me. The world lost its colour. Everything seems to be a struggle. And I feel empty and small. My problems are insignificant in the scheme of things. I even tried my hobbies but they just don't excite. Pfft that's my problem. Whether if be work or my life. When I commit to something I give everything. Overexhaustion and burnt out. You can't keep that star shinging forever, now can you.

    I now realise that I wasn't the best partner. There are things I could, no, should have done to make her more at ease. A relationship should not be tense. I am a hard, hard man. I strive for an ideal that is unfair to expect from others, while neglecting other aspects that are equally, if not more, important. The lesson comes too late.

    The rules of dis-engagement.
    To know the solution to the problem is one. To follow through with said solution is another. I want to see her, but I shouldn't. I will and in doing so will probably end any chance. But I have to hear the words spoken from her lips. Unfiltered by electronics and gadgetry. I need to experience it firsthand. The break up with the girl of 3 years was over the phone as well. I'd walk the earth, but I must hear it from her. I must experience the feelings she feels. There are two people hurting here. And, as much importance I want to place on my own, I cannot. Hearts are both delicate and fickle at times, unwaivering and steadfast at others. Its important to feel loved, but, at the same time feel free. I got the first bit right, and I know/must have failed miserably in the other. I feel nothing but goodwill towards her. She never harmed me. Or manipulated me. She was herself. Honest to the core. If it is at all possible, I think I love her more for it.

    After reading an excellent post by SouthernBelle06
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...eak-94746.html
    I can't be friends with her like she asked. I have feelings that go beyond the platonic. I desire her. Want her. Want to to make her happy. But I _must_ respect her space and I could not do that by staying friends. I could not do it as lovers. It would only bring unhappiness to me and awkwardness to us. I cannot fathom what she is feelings. For they are as complex as anyone's. But she has already moved on. This is something she has thought long and hard about.
    kishimoto's Avatar
    kishimoto Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 21, 2007, 07:56 PM
    The weekend following I went down to see her and pick up my stuff. Some electronic gear I let her have. We watched a movie and things seemed pretty civil. I slept at her place and left the next day. We hugged talked and all that sh*t. I left with the feeing that there could be something later on, but all the questions I had were still unsatisfactory answered.

    So a month has past by and I feel completely different. I did few things which made me cringe in the weeks following the breakup. After the first week I sent flowers in her favourite colours with her favourtie chocolates. One week after that I sent a letter, but being the poorly articulated person I am, I sent a music video of exactly how I felt. "Romeo and Juliet" by The Killers. During these points I felt really really low. She never replied or communicated anything to me during this time. It was a crazy time too. At my workplace I happen to have access to __. For several days I looked long and hard at that glass. I'd come home from work and all night look at said glass thinking whatever it is that I was thinking, sleep for a hour or two then go back to work. Crazy. And dangerous. And stupid.

    Sometime around then I gave her a phone call. My ex did me a favour; she gave me the cold shoulder and showed her true self. In that instant I perceived things differently. She was a , a user and the most ugly person I have ever met on the inside. I may be many things. I am far from perfect, but if there are ony two attributes I have: honestly and loyalty to the end.

    I don't know what the exact reason why she broke up with me. I can say she never loved me as much as I loved her, because (surely) the minimum requirement is that you be honest with that person. I feel she was just using me long enough until she had all that she wanted. My best guess is that she that I was a crutch while she was feeling low.

    I am annoyed at myself for spending so much energy on her. For falling so fast. I take it as a leason learnt. It's been a long time since I was a teen. I should've known better, but I try not to berate myself about it too much. It also annoys me that I spent so much on her and gave up on the small things on myself to make sure she was materially happy. She owes me 400$ which isn't that much but I'll be sure to collect. I was going to let it slide, but all my friends say "?!" and now I tend to agree. It is funny how she forgot about debts the moment she broke it off.

    This was by far the deepest I fell. And the most heartbroken I have felt, and it was surprising I got over it so quickly. Only one other girl whom I spent 3yrs with comes close, but nothing compared to this. After all those girls between, I thought I found that special someone for me. I don't want a relationship anytime soon. I want to spend some enjoying some solitude. Everyone deserves that special someone. Geez, I think I turned into such a weak person while I was with her.

    So I am splurging on myself. Going to get myself a new motorcycle, back to doing freeweights, changed my diet, heck during the first week of breakup I dyed my hair. A horrible, horrible colour too! Maybe for the first time in a couple of months I feel happy again. The future is a little more uncertain. I grew up a little more. There are a few things I miss, but I deserve better.

    After all said and done. She got under my skin. I'll always have a soft spot for her.

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