Threads merged

Hey All,
Hoping to get a little guidance here.
We've been together 2 1/2 yrs. We've moved from US to Europe and spent a lot of time together over the past 10 months. He used to be tender, loving and affectionate with me. We've had ups and downs lately and we've talked.

He said that he's not going to be the way he used to be that he's not being his true ALOOF self and has to make effort at being affectionate/meeting my needs, also he feels no matter what he does it's not enough for me.

I went through a miscarriage and was very emotional and critical for a while, but have awareness and am on the mend. I love him a lot and he does love me, but has definitely pulled back. He has emotional issues (like us all) and can feel suffocated very easily, was involved in a cult like religion which left him in a loveless marriage for 9 years. I love to be loved and give love, but I feel I'm not being my loving expressive self as much, so as not to smother him, or have him say I'm being needy but I am receiving very little in return.

I had to ask him last night if he still loves me/wants to be with me. Should you have to ask? He said yes, but that I don't love myself enough, and that nothing he does will be enough. There is truth to this, but I still need affection, and intimacy, hugs, kissing to happen outside of sex too.

I can't take space right now as we share a car etc. Every time I have done so in the past he's missed me, and loved me up, and upon my return asking me to marry him!

Should I just learn to take whatever I'm given, continue to do self work, and not want more love/affection? I worry that we could end up in a loveless relationship like his last marriage.

Thanks all for reading. I know it's long but would really love some advise or hear some feedback. Love and laughter!


Edited/T

He even admitted that he's not the person that you feel for. Now that his true personality has come out, you need to ask yourself whether you really want to continue this relationship with him?

I think you tell him that the changes he has made are not to your liking and that you are trying to change more to his liking. I say this because while you both have some issues to work on as individuals, you still must love and support each other and I don't think it's a very fair balance for just you doing all the work.

You do need some space to come up with a strategy to get more of what you want from him through some honest communications though, without being needy, or DEPENDENT.

I think you can stand for yourself without being needy. If he cannot appreciate what he has, then get your own car and your own life, and be happy without him.

The old thread and the new one have been merged and edited.


Thank you Talaniman. I moved out this morning into a spare apt. it can only be for a few days but it's better than nothing. I went to the store to get some bread and milk and when I came back he's watching porn and is like "what are you doing back so soon" I just went about my business and he finished himself off. I feel totally disrespected, and unappreciated. Sometimes he asks me if I'm horny if I'm like yeah it's always us just watching porn.He doesn't physically initiate it or get me in the mood anymore. I spoke with him from a very good space internally and said we need to either forget about the past and makes this work or walk away. The last few weeks we've been in linger ville, he's shut down and it's all got worse. So we're to talk in a few days-either he wants it to work at it or not. Should I be making my decision now too? I do love him I do want it to work. But I need him to as enthusiastic as he used to be and I can't see that changing in a few days..? Thank u all, Blessings.

He's been very withdrawn lately and moody. He's has an issue down below so we can't really have sex. But He just asks me if I'm horny and if I go with it lately it's always with porn on. He doesn't arouse me, kiss me or get me in the mood-which is so important to me.A few weeks ago he said that if I were to be with other girls he'd be more into me. I've been with girls before so I am open to that but on my terms. That really hurt.

Today I came back from the store and he's watching porn. Just says" why are you back so early" and continues on. I talked to him about the girl thing that I didn't feel it's a healthy mind set and he said maybe we have a dysfunctional relationship.

I moved out today, only for a few days though due to circumstances and told him he needs to decide very. Soon whether he's in this or out of this relationship.

Does this come down to "he's just not that into you"?
Am I making myself suffer unnecessarily, and trying to hard to make something work?

Appreciate your feedback. Tnx

Was this miscarriage a result of you guys trying to have children? The loss of a baby can effect the man too. It is not only the women that gets effected by the loss.

At the same token yes he is disrespecting you a lot and you have taken the right steps. To step back and to give it some time and then figure out whether you want to continue this relationship or not. Whether he wants to make an effort in the relationship or not.

Counseling is important. Is he willing to go either by himself or together as a couple or both. There is something going on. Others have said his true colors are coming out or could there something happening in his behavior because of depression or other mental issues. You just never know.

I would certainly encourage you to make your own decision, because so far his words, and actions just don't match, and he is dysfunctional, and not just down below.

I really don't think he is capable of a HEALTHY, adult relationship. Yes, make your own decision for your own future happiness.