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    shadylady1979's Avatar
    shadylady1979 Posts: 10, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Oct 22, 2007, 12:40 PM
    My boyfriend thinks I'm not affectionate enough
    Backstory:

    I avoided getting involved with him specifically for this reason. I told him up front that I'm very independent. I always have been, yet I have been in two separate serious relationships (2.5 yrs, 4 yrs).

    He is a very emotionally needy person, and is now suggesting he go to therapy. He believes and I agree that he is emotionally codependent.

    I want the relationship to work, but at the same time I don't really think it necessary for someone to go to therapy. I was telling him that there is nothing wrong with the way he is but perhaps he needs someone more like him. He is really opposed to us breaking up, and I definitely want to save the relationship.

    I guess I'm curious if anyone has had similar situations, and what the outcome was.
    victoria_mitchell's Avatar
    victoria_mitchell Posts: 242, Reputation: 32
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    #2

    Oct 22, 2007, 12:54 PM
    Well first of all I must disagree with you stating but at the same time I don't really think it necessary for someone to go to therapy for some people therapy is the ONLY way for them to better themselves.

    Secondly I would say that you two are not properly matched. I had a boyfreind that was the SAME WAY and we were together 2 1/2 years trying to work things out but in the end I knew that we were two differnet people that needed two different things. I broke it off with him and him being the codependent person he was he didn't take it well. But in the end he thanked me...

    Think of this guy your with, wouldn't it be better to brake it off now then wait and make it harder on him?
    shadylady1979's Avatar
    shadylady1979 Posts: 10, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Oct 22, 2007, 12:57 PM
    I suppose, and I guess you're right about therapy... I should correct myself, I meant I don't think HE should have to go because of ME. If that makes sense. Like maybe if he found someone more "loving" it would help things. Thank you for sharing that you were mismatched.
    He is a wonderful, caring, supportive man. I think we need to talk...

    Thanks!
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #4

    Oct 22, 2007, 01:04 PM
    For codependent people therapy seems to be the only way they can see how clingy they are or at least how clingy they seem to others and learn ways to overcome it. Your pointing out things about ways that may irritate you that you would like to see him do differently will only upset him and make him feel rejection.
    You could try changing your way and being a little more affectionate, but NOT to the point you are feeding his codependencies. And like victoria said about being properly matched, they say opposites attract, but having an independent woman with a codependent guy can be rough!
    shadylady1979's Avatar
    shadylady1979 Posts: 10, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Oct 22, 2007, 02:11 PM
    See I want to try and be more affectionate, and even though he seems responsive to it, it definitely feels unnatural to me and uncomfortable. Ah! Men! :)
    victoria_mitchell's Avatar
    victoria_mitchell Posts: 242, Reputation: 32
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    #6

    Oct 24, 2007, 12:52 PM
    Well shadylady honestly you shouldn't have to change for anybody and no one should have to change for you.

    Someone will love you for you, and someone will love him for him

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