Please, please please, take the time to read the whole thing.. I'd really appreciate well thought out advice. Thanks and looking forward to hearing from all of you.

Ok, so I've been in a relationship with this really great guy for about 11 months now. About a year we go, we were introduced by a common friend and started going out. It may sound a bit slutty, but I'll say it on here anyway since it might help you guys give me the advice I need; We did it (had sex) on our first date. After that, we started seeing more of each other, then a month later decided to get into a real (serious) relationship with each other. So in short, we dated for a month, and then made our relationship officially exclusive a month later.

So time went by, and here we are 11 months later into a pretty good relationship. Sure, we've had some occasional fights, but I'd say that all in all we're doing great together. Just tonight I found out (from him) that he had actually slept with another girl while we were dating – take note JUST DATING not in a steady relationship yet. I felt horrible since I have never slept with another guy SINCE THAT FIRST DAY we met. If you guys want to know how I got it out of him, I just started fishing (even when I know I shouldn't). I asked him: “Have you ever cheated on me?" And he said "No." I said: "So you've never slept with anyone SINCE YOU MET ME and even if we weren't officially a couple yet?" And he answered "I can't remember that was a long time ago"... So from there I knew that he had something to hide.. I'm not all that stupid to accept that he can't remember something like that. So I kept asking until he confessed that he did sleep with some other girl while we were dating, he said that he didn't know that things were going to get serious with us which is why he went ahead and did it. After hearing this I started crying and told him that I wanted to break up with him and that I couldn't stand to look at him knowing that he was with another girl, etc. When he heard this, he changed his story and said; "Come to think of it, I didn't know you yet when I slept with that other girl, so we weren't dating yet at that time OK.".."I only said that so that you would stop asking me". I refused to believe him because why on earth would someone say something that would put him in even more hot water just to shut up his girlfriend?. Anyway, after about an hour of fighting.. He finally did confess. So yes, it turns out that he really did sleep with someone while we were just dating. He claims that he didn’t cheat on me. (Well literally speaking that IS true). After that I felt even worse than when he told me because he looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me about what really happened. The whole time we were fighting he just kept lying to me and telling me that he really didn't sleep with anyone after he met me.

Please help. I do not know what to do. I really love the guy. I have to give him credit for coming clean, and I’m sure he didn’t cheat on me starting the day we decided to go steady and exclusive. But the thing is, I don't know if I can still be with someone who could lie to my face. Even if I do get over the fact that he lied, I can’t stand the thought that he had sex with another girl. I just can't believe he could have sex with me, and then have sex with someone else. He keeps begging me to forgive him, but my mind is all over the place right now. What should I do?

I'm siding with the guy here, you never decided on boundaries, which made it so you two were just dating, not a couple. If you consider that cheating, then I have cheated plenty of times because when I was just "dating" someone, I never considered myself off the market. Terms weren't defined, he was free to do what he wanted, just as you were. Personally, the past is the past. Sure he lied, but in my opinion, you didn't have a right to know that.

Thanks.. Straight to the point - even if it was a little harsh for me to hear.

I'm siding with your BF as well.

For a start you badgered and bullied him into admitting something that he knew you were going to get hysterical about. OK he lied, but it's like asking a guy -' does my butt look big in this dress?' - he's damned if he does say something and he's damned if he don't.

Why are you worried about something that happened when you'd just met? By your own admission, you'd not made it official yet. Sure you didn't sleep with anyone, but they weren't the rules at that time. He had sex with another girl, but that was 11 months ago!

To be perfectly honest - I''m worried about why you would make such a huge deal about this. You've now been together for nearly a year and supposedly things are good. If they are, why are you asking him these questions about cheating?

- Why do you WANT to create issues?

Believe me I get your point. And no, I do not want to create issues. It's just that these things are a BIG DEAL for me. He would always tell me that the day we met he never had eyes for anyone but me, etc etc. Argh.. I know I deserve a smack in the head for what happened here but I feel like I was duped into this relationship. It's like this: How do I know this isn't the only thing he chose to keep secret after all this time? I think I at least deserved to know this stuff before we got serious. At least it would have been out of the way a long time ago. And if I had found out BEFORE we got serious, maybe I wouldn't have continued dating the guy. Get my point?. :(

It was down right UNFAIR. :(

I'm on the bf's side. First you said this: and then you turned right around and said this: If I were your boyfriend, I'd wonder when you will start checking my cell phone messages and opening my mail and quizzing my friends.

Trust

That's what you have to do. After he made a commitment to you, has he given you a reason not to trust him?

No. Whom he dated, whom he kissed, whom he went to the library with, whom he shared an ice cream cone with, and even whom he slept with before you two were exclusive is none of your business.

That is the bottom line,is it not?

Siiigh... Well no, we've had our petty fights and arguments, but I've never caught him actually cheating. And up until today, I never had any doubts. I DO NOT check his celphone every minute of the day. I actually surprised myself with this one. I trusted him, A lot A lot.. and now this.

"caught him actually cheating"? Are you watching for it to happen?

Do you check his cell at all?

Like I said dear, I do not check his phone. Please do not get this wrong, I don't just sit around all day trying to think of ways to fight with him or catch him cheating -- or what not.

You had said: which made me think you DO check it sometimes, thus my question.

What do you fight about? Who usually starts a fight?

You should consider yourself lucky that he didn't dump you on the spot. You "just started fishing?" You have this great relationship with a "really great guy," and you start digging into him for... what? Were you bored? Needing to fight? Or were you just messing with him? What could you possibly get from this questioning?

The fact that you expect him to stop having sex once he slept with you says that either you are the best lover on earth, a veritable goddess, or you have some delusions about yourself, people in general, and what makes a healthy relationship. If you are 15, this might be understandable, but if you are an adult, it's time to learn about being a wholesome girlfriend, and not someone who "just can't believe he could have sex with me, and then have sex with someone else."

No, it's not wholesome, friendly, smart, considerate, or loving to put him in the position your probing created. Given everything you wrote, many guys would tell the same lie, hoping that was the end of it. No, lying isn't right, but from the way you tell it, a person can understand this one.

Now, you have created a dilemma for yourself and for him. You're turning yourself inside out over nothing—there has been no betrayal—and he's probably walking on egg shells, wondering what bomb you are going to place in his lap next. Let it all go.

If you think about it, you might consider your interruption of the harmony that existed in your relationship to be at least as bad as his lie. In lying, he had a weak moment, and surely suffers because of it. Stop molesting his mind. Just love him and be a good friend. Don't make problems by giving meaning to meaningless things.

Tao

Sorry, but I actually think that this is about you still. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

How do you know that he DIDN'T have eyes just for you? So he shagged another girl... that doesn't mean that he didn't think that you were the ant's pant, bees knees whatever.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, be a big girl and get over it..

This is what relationships are all about - taking it on the jaw, putting it in the past and getting on with the present and the future.

The more you pick at this sore the bigger it will get. Leave it where it belongs - in the past.

If you can't, then it's to do with you and your issues not him and what he's done.

Let me ask you a question?

Have you slept with anyone else in your past? Since you met him, have you looked at another guy and thought he was cute? He may be thinking that you gave it up on the first night to more than just him. But he chooses to leave the past where it belongs.

You can try to raise a ship from the depths but all you're going to do is damage it more.

Thanks for kicking some sense into me. I love how you put it.

Thanks to all of you for your great answers. I really appreciate that all of you took the time to read and answer my question/s. :)

I guess I understand now.

This was in the past.

I should not have dug it up in the first place.

I should have handled it differently.

What he did while we were "dating" holds absolutley no bearing to how he is with me NOW and how loyal/faithful he has been since the day we decided to be in an exclusive and serious relationship.

I'm still hurting though, and still feel a bit betrayed. I guess that's what I get for putting my nose where it doesn't belong.

I've been burnt many times in the past, and I guess this was just an overreaction.

I might even be ruining a perfectly good relationship because of my paranoia and lack of trust, huh?

Thanks for this. I really needed this sort of "boost"...

You really love him so drop it and accept things where they are. As long as he is not cheating on you now his decision must be FOR you so why wreck a good relationship.
He most likely was afraid to admit it because he was afraid he would lose you.

Have a talk with him and tell him you understand that he did what he did and you realize you can't go back in time and change it so you are willing to let bygones be bygones and cherish the love you now have.

If he cheats again then I wouldn't be so understanding.