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    buzzismycat's Avatar
    buzzismycat Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 3, 2013, 12:55 PM
    My boyfriend seems to choose porn over sex with me
    Both my boyfriend and I are 31, and I know he's watching porn and masturbating more than the "couple times a week" he says he does. He says "its just a feeling I get and I go do it, I don't plan it out or anything, and I don't fantasize, I just turn it on to get off quick" I just don't believe that.
    We have sex about once, maybe twice a week. We live and work together (it's in a remote camp, hard to explain) I'm on night shift, he's on days. We still have about 3 hours an evening together before I go to work. I try not to initiate it anymore as I'm afraid of rejection.
    I know he watches porn way more than he says, as I do his laundry and there's evidence in his boxers (yes it's messed up that I look) he also has about 50+ porn videos saved on his phone... he does it in the bathroom into the toilet (yes he's told me how he does it... ) He always says "he's taking a s***. But he also masturbates at the same time. I know that sounds weird, but he really does. He's usally in the bathroom for 15+ min....
    It's killing me. I know that I'm not unattractive or anything but he's making me feel that way. Like I'm not enough for him. I've asked him this numerous times and he always says that the real thing is better and that he IS attracted to me..yet we rarely have sex.
    When we do have sex, I have to do all the work. He barely touches me. Some days he will, but its rare.
    I'm too scared to bring this subject up again as it's the only thing we fight about. He gets EXTREMELY mad now if I do try to talk about it... I've even suggested making our own video. I've pretty much done everything I can.
    The good thing is, when we do have sex, we can stay aroused and can finish, quite quick most of the time, but he makes sure I'm done first. So thats the only good thing. But I wish it was more than once a week and that porn wasn't before me. I guess I feel like it's cheating in a way, as he's getting off to other naked women...and not to me. We've been together only 1.5yrs
    He's also said if I ever say he has an addiction, he'll lose it on me. "because I don't"....
    I guess I'm just trying to understand the fascination with porn and why it's taking the place of sex with me? What is the best way to approach this subject again without causing another fight? How do I get him to understand how much it hurts me, that he choses that over me (even though he swears he doesn't) or to get him to see how he's choosing it over me.
    Now I've even offered oral or even my own hand (yes he likes that) if the
    "feeling arises" and he got excited about that, but has never taken me up on the offer. Even last night, we had 3 hours before I started work... his phone was plugged into the wall across the room. I came in about 45 min later to say goodnight to him and his phone was beside him on the night stand... So I know he waited for me to leave, even though he had more than enough time with me! No his job isn't tiring, he's a chef and works about 5 hours a day... so that can't be it. I'm defeated. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've never had a boyfriend reject me like this before (that actually may be a problem too I think, I don't handle rejection well)
    Sorry its so long winded... but please, any info would help!
    LA
    savyone's Avatar
    savyone Posts: 24, Reputation: -6
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    #2

    Aug 3, 2013, 11:38 PM
    Men get tired of the same woman yet are still wanting to continue to relationship. With porn, he can have the imagination of another woman and use your body. Woman do that too even in marriages cause being with a different man is more exciting and imagining it with sex makes for a quick orgasm... even if we'd never cheat on that particular person. Multiple orgasms are so easy with a new and exciting scenario and partner but it is also kind of empty so we keep our soulmate or partner and fantasize.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #3

    Aug 4, 2013, 10:08 AM
    There are a thousand books, a thousand studies, possibly a thousand answers on AMHD on the same subject. The answers are all over the place.

    This concerns me - "He's also said if I ever say he has an addiction, he'll lose it on me. "because I don't"....

    I was once in an abusive relationship. I know about threats. How often does he threaten to "lose it" on you? That's scary stuff, far more scary than porn watching.

    I'd like the source of this male only statement - "Men get tired of the same woman.. " I realize you can't post your background and credentals for insurance reasons (as you have previously stated). I'd just like the general source.

    Savy? You are into Pilates?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Aug 4, 2013, 10:28 AM
    Its not about you at ALL, its ALL about him. Men like to play with toys even if its his own toy. Let him and stop fretting or taking it personally. Easier on your emotions that way because fighting and arguing about it, and holding resentments is worse, and change NOTHING. If that's all you don't like about him, you are lucky.

    Its only as big a deal as you make it.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #5

    Aug 4, 2013, 10:30 AM
    Um... Guys masturbate years before they get a woman much less have one long enough to get tired of.

    Guys masturbate even with a very hot wife they aren't tired of.

    Masturbating is all about getting off without all the baggage a partner brings into the equation.

    That being you get in get off and not have to worry about is she's got enough yet. It's that simple... Women do it too for the very same reasons.

    And if you are truly getting "tired" of you partner... there is something else wrong in your relationship. Sure the new body excitement wears off when you know ever square inch of their body... but it only gets boring if one or both of you has issues... meaning.. if either of you think of sex as missionary position and nothing else... good lord I feel sorry for you.

    There are some many things you can do in a monogamous relationship to keep things fun and not get "Tired" of it.

    Masturbation might even play a part of it... but it doesn't have to. Both of your imaginations set the limit of the fun and excitement possible... or in the case of lack of it... limit it.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    Aug 4, 2013, 10:33 AM
    It appears that perhaps you just need to be a little more demanding on what sex is like when you have it. And to be honest, 2 or 3 times a week having sex at mid 30's, when you both work a different schedule with only a few hours together, is about a good norm or average.

    And yes, many men will masturbate every day, nothing unusual about that. It is a problem only when it does not wish sex with you. Masturbation is easier, he is in control and he gets about the same result.

    So you need to not worry about how often he does that, only concern about what is happening when you have sex with him
    ayush779's Avatar
    ayush779 Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Aug 6, 2013, 08:10 AM
    You are not at fault at all. It is him and his hormones playing games. What I think is you both should go and see a good doctor. A gynecologist will probably be able to help you out. Another solution is rehab .
    1 thing more you can do is increase some spice in your sex life. Playing it rough, that's what most men like to do. Catering to the needs. Like you said he waits for you to finish . Make it go other way round. I believe you will be able to see the difference

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