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    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 7, 2017, 12:32 PM
    My boyfriend hits me. I don't know what to do
    I have been in a relation with my boyfriend for a year now and we live together. We have a lot of issues between us and we tried to give our relation a new chance after every fight. I have a problem with him not being financially stable. He owes me money on rent and house expenses which amounts to 1200 dollars. I don't expect him to take me out or spend on me. All I want is him to be more focused, apply for jobs and watch his spending. When he had only 10 bucks in his pocket he spent it on cigarette and took 50 from me for his food. We have had enough fights over his irresponsible behavior and he complaints that I annoy him all the time asking about him applying for a better job. Lately we had a huge fight and I told him that he lives on my money. He got so annoyed and gave me a tight slap on my face. Whenever we had arguments before he has choked me, dragged me from bed to the floor, pushed against the wall, threw water on my face etc. And he always calls me ing whenever he is angry. I don't use bad words or I can't even fight back. After this incident he is behind me apologizing and asking to make things fine. I don't know what to do. I would have provoked him, but I always feel that he doesn't let me put across my point and that I am the one who is always wrong. I get scared seeing the way he behaves out of anger. I agree that I get angry and shout and scream, but I don't get physical. Please help me.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Apr 7, 2017, 01:00 PM
    Two things:
    1) You are not housebound in a wheelchair. You don't mention children. You are FREE to get rid of him!
    2) You talk in 'victim speak.' Every word you write is full of such talk. "He took 50 from me for food." You mean you LET him. Why do you tell us one kind of abuse after another, yet don't walk out, throw him out, or call the police? OH, because he apologizes??? Because you want to give the relationship a new chance after every fight???

    Do you know why you tell us about the money, the hitting, the water, the dragging, the throwing, basically beating you up? Does it do you any good to tell us? No, you tell us because you want us to feel sorry for you. Chances are, based on so many millions of other women, you will go right back to the same abuse tonight. He keeps apologizing for ONE REASON - your MONEY! A man who loves you doesn't hit you. And stop apologizing for screaming - even good couples fight, but they keep it verbal.

    STOP expecting him to 'just' do this or that, like get a job. People are who they are. You don't make them be who they aren't. A few will try to change with effort and counseling, realizing the rut they are in, but not many.

    I wish you could read what you wrote as we strangers are doing - it's pitiful. Call the police and have him removed.
    Stop telling people about HIM. We get it. This is about YOUR lack of confidence and feelings of self worth.

    Let us know how it worked out later.
    Discover the taste of self-reliance.
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 7, 2017, 01:05 PM
    Thanks for your reply. We have a lease agreement and cant move out. Unfortunately the agreement is in my name and I am the one who is liable to pay the rent. Though I take all his verbal and physical abuses, I still do love him. I don't want to ruin his life by filing a police complaint because at some point I feel he loves me too. Only when we fight the monster in him comes out, else he is a very loving person. That's why I am stuck.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #4

    Apr 7, 2017, 01:16 PM
    No one should be harmed in a relationship. It can see difficult, and uncomfortable, to do what you know you need to do, but you need to make a change... being on your own is better than being in an unhealthy, dangerous relationship. This won't get better; you cant change him, and things will likely only get worse.

    What would you tell your sister, or best friend, to do if they shared the same situation with you?

    Contact police, a women's shelter ( Your doctor can help), a trusted family member or friend, counseling service at work, etc. The point is, you need help, and protection, navigating your next steps.

    You can break a lease... far better than risking your safety.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #5

    Apr 7, 2017, 01:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha0808 View Post
    Thanks for your reply. We have a lease agreement and cant move out. Unfortunately the agreement is in my name and I am the one who is liable to pay the rent. Though I take all his verbal and physical abuses, I still do love him. I don't want to ruin his life by filing a police complaint because at some point I feel he loves me too. Only when we fight the monster in him comes out, else he is a very loving person. That's why I am stuck.
    No you are stuck because you are weak. You recognize that there is a monster in him, but you are too weak to do what needs to be done about it. And as long as you are weak he will continue to victimize you.

    You need to be strong. Maybe he can change, but he will not as long as you enable him. The lease is in your name, so give him 30 days notice to vacate. Tell him, if he gets physical with you again, you will call the police. And stick to your guns and do it!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Apr 7, 2017, 02:44 PM
    Give him written notice to vacate, but if he hits you, the police can order him out before 30 days and you can file a restraining order.

    Notice how I said that you can walk away OR throw him out, and you chose to ignore the throw him out part? You WANT to find ways to avoid doing what you must do to get this over with.

    You came here saying 'I don't know what to do' and 'Please help me.' You then proceeded to argue with us.
    We hear it almost daily. You are not alone. I was harsh on purpose but not because I'm angry at you - I was just trying to shake you. Some others are being nicer.

    And you (predictably) are now defending your boyfriend, saying the monster only comes out sometimes, and you know he loves you, and you love him, and you don't want him to have a domestic dispute on file with the police. HUH??

    Try keeping every dime away from him, for starters.
    See how long that love lasts.

    In my book, you have til tomorrow end of day to come back to tell us what move you have made. Otherwise you don't mean any of this and just want to complain.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #7

    Apr 7, 2017, 03:47 PM
    This is a dumb, dead end relationship. Kick him out or break the lease and move out. Get a restraining order. Don't talk to him and avoid letting him know where you are. Change your phone number and block his. Go to a shelter if you must.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #8

    Apr 7, 2017, 05:42 PM
    Get rid of him and all those excuse you have not to.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #9

    Apr 7, 2017, 06:04 PM
    I have seen it dozens and dozens of times. The wife is abused, and spends her rent money for his bail, then she is abused more and more. Till she expects it or believes she is to blame.

    So why do you love him, he hit you, he does not work, and takes your money.

    So love him, learn how to hide the marks and come up with excues to tell your friends, they will believe a door hit you the first couple of times.

    Or he finds his things outside and the locks changed and you don't let him back in.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #10

    Apr 8, 2017, 04:56 AM
    You are in a classic toxic relationship. Thank your Unlucky star there are no children involved. A man like this cares nothing about accelerating abuse around children, and sometimes they are involved as well. You will continually lose self esteem until it effects other relationships with friends, relatives, anyone who cares about you. They will lose their trust in you.

    Get rid of him before the situation gets worse and he maims you beyond repair, putting you in the hospital; where of course, someone will notice the damage exactly how it was accomplished and start asking questions that you will have to answer.

    Tick
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #11

    Apr 8, 2017, 05:20 AM
    I agree with everyone here... get rid of him.. the lease is in YOUR name... not his... you can and must evict him.

    This only happens as long as you ALLOW it to happen. Its up to YOU to put an end to it. If you don't you lose any moral high ground. And this most likely WILL get worse.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #12

    Apr 10, 2017, 08:06 AM
    I have seen a lot of women waste 20 years of suffering and abuse, making themselves totally unavailable for a healthy relationship, trying to turn some jerk into something resembling their idea of what they want. People don't change unless it's their own idea, and abusers escalate 99% of the time. The obsession escalates the longer you stay, so you just make it more and more difficult to end the relationship if you wait. For these reasons, you have to evict him as suggested by others. The lease is in your name and given the abuse, you simply get a restraining order to force him out immediately. Then you change the locks and don't allow him to move back in. To pick up his stuff, you make an appointment and arrange for the Sheriff to be present while he packs up so that you don't have a scene and he doesn't take anything that's not his to take. But then you don't try to "stay friends" and don't try to "smooth things over" and don't take his calls, or his visits, or talk to his sister or his mom or his best buddy - you move on with your life. The answer to any inquiry is "the relationship is over and there's nothing more to be said".

    If he comes near you, you call the police and file charges for his violation of the restraining order. Unless you are serious about it, he won't be.

    You may feel you need another person to cover the rent - well, he's not paying anyway. So, you get a roommate. If you don't have room for a roommate, you talk to the landlord about your situation and find out how to terminate the lease, which is a good idea anyway. Then go find a place you can afford on your own, or get a non-romantic, female roommate and share the costs with them.

    Moving forward, I would strongly advise that people not live with anyone they are not married to except a true, platonic roommate or a relative. Even then, unless you intend to pay all the expenses and do so happily, don't even consider that friend who's really fun but flighty and irresponsible, or the sister with a drug habit who can't hold down a job. As for someone you're dating, why have legal and financial obligations tied in with someone who is not committed enough to marry you?

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