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kcwclf · Oct 29, 2008, 03:57 AM

I have been seeing this my boyfriend for a little over 18 months. In the beginning the relationship was great. We made love but not as often, but whenever we do it was wonderful. Lately he is finding all kinds of excuses to sleep with me. I cought him couple times with a woman and he said they are just friends. My friend has been seeing them all over the place and he still denies being with her. It has been 5 months now since we were intimate. He is making all kinds of excuses... he is tired, give him some time... he has a head and the whole nine yards. Lately I am doubting myself... low self esteem has kicked ina and I think that he has lost interest in me. It hurts very much but I know one day I will wake up and not even know who this man is. Please help!:confused:

talaniman · Oct 29, 2008, 07:40 AM

You don't believe him, and trust is important. Back away, and stop trying to see what's up, as its obvious something has broken down, and if your not working together to resolve this, then an honest evaluation of where this is going, or not going, is needed.

Time for a decision, and making some very hard choices. Get the facts and base any decision on them, not just feelings, or second hand assumptions by others.

kcwclf · Oct 30, 2008, 04:11 AM

Thanks Talaniman, you are soe right. I have tried the talking thing and it doesn't work. He has a communication problem.

kcwclf · Oct 30, 2008, 05:28 AM

My bouyfriend and I have not spoken in 4 days. He got mad at me for going out with my friends. He called me about 12:30 am and he said he was at home. About 2:30am, I spotted him at the club with the same girl he said he was not seeing. He did not see me and when confronted later in the day he said he was at the club but he was there alone. I just about had it with him and I am going through a really rough time right now. I have a really good relationship with all my ex's ecept for my daughters's father... he is a waste of nine months. Anyway, one of my ex's invited me to join him on the beach, I know right now I am really vulnorable but we have deceided we cannot sleep with each other because we donot want to ruin our friendship. Do you think it is wrong for me to join my ex on the beach. My boyfriend and I have not decided where our relationship is headed but I am just lonely and depressed. Please give me some much need advice! Thanks y'all:confused:

Romefalls19 · Oct 30, 2008, 05:43 AM

Yes, it is wrong. If you had to make an agreement not to sleep together, I only see that one being broken as you say you are lonely and vulnerable. You need to end it with your boyfriend as it does sound as he is cheating

liz28 · Oct 30, 2008, 05:57 AM

If communication is lacking then this relationship won't be going anywhere. Communication is a key component in a relationship without that you have nothing so sex isn't the only issue.

Don't let him question your self-worth. If you feel this isn't going anywhere than maybe it's time to let go. Never allow someone to make you feel low. Your life doesn't resolve around him. Since he is paying you no mind then don't pay him any mind. Go out with friends and have fun. But sooner or later your going to have to reflect on your situation with him and make some tough decisions. Never stay somewhere if your unhappy and the other person is avoiding the issues or won't face or try to work on it.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 30, 2008, 06:06 AM

Let me see you were out at 2:30 at a club, and that is how you say your boyfriend cheating.?

Sorry but it does not sound like either of you are ready or wanting a serious relationship at this point.

kcwclf · Oct 30, 2008, 07:33 AM

Thanks LIZ28... you advice really means a lot to me

kcwclf · Oct 30, 2008, 07:37 AM

FR_Chuck, I wold like to respond to your comments. I don't go out. My friends invited me out and I took them up on the offer. I was out with my girl friends not a man. My boyfirend was out with another woman. I was out having a good time with my friends, that's ALL

BMI · Oct 30, 2008, 07:55 AM

I think it premature to arrive at the conclusion that he is cheating based on seeing him at a club with a girl. However, he is lying about it and obviously keeping it from you and so that is an issue.

In response to you seeing your ex, well then you are really only doing the same thing to him as he did to you and therefore you are both guilty. I fail to see how going out with an ex is a good call at this point. As for the "just friends" angle, I suspect most people convince themselves that is what it is.

This relationship needs a great deal of work, doing what you propose to do is definitely not the solution.

JBeaucaire · Oct 30, 2008, 07:58 AM

My boyfried is a cheating and I am in denial

Ok, let's say we agree with you. What are you going to do about it? Cheat yourself?

Cheating isn't just making out with someone, it's lunch... it's crying on the shoulder on the beach (oops we kissed!)...

It is absolutely predictable what happens when exes "console" each other. So we're not going to ignore what you're trying to. This is the exact behavior you're acting all "hurt" about from your boyfriend. You don't fix things by revenge... or whatever rationalized word(s) you want to use for it.

Don't yell, don't "confront"... just talk calmly with your boyfriend... take HIM to the beach and have a heart to heart. If your relationship is over, find that out. It may be, and not because HE wants it to be, but because you're smart enough to realize you two just aren't "it" together and can maturely say that out loud.

In other words, stop the party wagon long enough to take some control of your own life, OK?

Go out with your ex AFTER you settle things. Before is just mild cheating and you don't need to do that... unless you enjoy the drama.

450donn · Oct 30, 2008, 08:09 AM

And at 2:30 in the morning who was taking care of your child? Since you have found yourself with a child and not married, you and only you now have the utmost responsibility to take care of another human life. I think you need to realize that your boy friend only wants one thing out of you. And if not from you, he is willing to get it from any relatively warm body he can convince to go to bed with him. You need to sit down and get your priorities straight and quit dating every boy in the neighborhood bar.

kcwclf · Oct 30, 2008, 03:54 PM

Thanks all

talaniman · Oct 30, 2008, 05:24 PM

He got mad at me for going out with my friends

His problem, let him go! You never said how long you've been together but sounds like the trust has been gone a while, so mark this THE END!

You don't need a relationship, you need a friend. You don't need a lover, you need someone you can trust.

Love yourself enough to be alone, and have solid friends, instead of flakey boyfriends.

My boyfriend and I have not decided where our relationship is headed but I am just lonely and depressed.

You don't have a relationship, you have a male friend who sounds needy, and honestly if you haven't talked in 4 days, maybe that's a good thing.

Forget lonely, and depressed, and do something good for yourself.

kcwclf · Nov 2, 2008, 02:25 PM

Hello... I have an update on my boyfried. Yesterday on my way to the dry cleaners I saw him. This was the first I saw or spoken to him in a week. He complimented me on how I look and I asked him how he was doing. He said he was going through hell. I guess he was waiting on my response, I said nothing. After a while in silence I looked in his face and told him his face was swollen, he said he knew and he hadn't slept in days and he was lonely so his only consolation was alcohol. I told him he needed to take better care of himself and he said he will try. Being the person that I am I felt kind of sorry for the guy but I could not let him see through my hurt and pain. After our brief conversation he still hasn't called though he said he would and I am not calling either. Please be reminded that he hung up the phone on me a week ago when I confronted him about he and the girl at the club and I think for that he owes me an apology. I donot want to go running back to him, I have come to the realiztion that he wants his space and don't know how to tell me. I miss him very much. Please tell me what to do... Should I call him?

JBeaucaire · Nov 2, 2008, 05:35 PM

Should I call him?

No. Don't let your chance meeting fool you. Nothing has changed. The pain you cause yourself next with this guy can be avoided. Stay strong.

kcwclf · Nov 3, 2008, 03:33 AM

Thanks JB!

talaniman · Nov 4, 2008, 10:39 AM

No Contact, leave the guy alone, as it none of your business any more, what he is going through!

kcwclf · Nov 4, 2008, 02:48 PM

Yesterday my so called boyfried stopped by my office and I told him before we get back on speaking terms we need to have a talk after he did not call me for over a week. He said OK we would talk today. I said OK and he left. Today he called several times and I also reminded him that he promised we would talk about what happened. He said he is not good at talking and that is one of his major problems he lacks communication skills. Away in talking he said that I am one of the most caring and loving woman he has ever met. He also said that he cares deeply for me and would do almost anything for me. Lately he hasn't been telling me he loves me. I love this man very much but I am also prpared to wlak away from this relationship today depending on what he says to me. My question is when some tells you they care for you deeply does that also mean that they love you? Please help. I about to have this talk at 6:30 this evening and your input would really mean a lot to me. I am confused and hurt as hell

talaniman · Nov 7, 2008, 07:42 AM

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But I am also prepared to walk away from this relationship today depending on what he says to me.

That's not fair to expect one lousy conversation to make a difference in feelings. It's a process, not an event, and it takes actions, over time, and not just words to get things together.

My question is when some tells you they care for you deeply does that also mean that they love you?

That's been your whole problem, a lack of communications and no understanding of each others feelings, and I suspect a lack of knowing your own feelings. Not a good way for a relationship to grow and develop.

From reading your other posts, you have many issues that you don't seem to be able to cope with.

Sorry, just can't see this going anywhere.