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    beth92's Avatar
    beth92 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 27, 2011, 08:57 PM
    Is my boyfriend controlling?
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. I'm 18 and he's 24. He says he gets nervous when I go out because I drink sometimes or he doesn't know who I'm with but then he never comes out with me. I tell him if he's so worried he should be there. He constantly texts me all day long and wants me to check up with him but then when he's hanging out in my neighborhood with his friends he doesn't even tell me. Every time I bring up a problem, he just says I'm nagging him and that I just want to fight him. When I ask him to meet my family, he just says no. He won't come to any family party with me. He makes comments about what I'm wearing like my leggings are too thin or my shorts are too short or he can see down my shirt. It's like he wants me to get a whole new wardrobe when really my clothes are not innapropriate. I'm not sure what to do because I'm afraid he's not taking me seriously. I consciencious about meeting his family and I'd always be there for him. But now when I go out I feel like I have to tell him everything or he'll be angry and find out somehow. What do I do?
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #2

    Jul 27, 2011, 09:14 PM

    If I was you I would leave. Yes, he does sounds controlling. He wants to keeps taps on you, control what you wear, etc etc. Ayou relationship doesn't consists of your mate telling you what to, what to wear, and leave you feeling you have to explain your every action throughout the day. Also, he doesn't want to meet your family, why? He might be afraid that they will see right through him.

    These types of relationships only gets worst and worst as the time goes by. Your still young and got a lot to look forward to and you got to look out for you. So, with that being said what do you think is best for you?
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #3

    Jul 27, 2011, 10:01 PM

    Leave- he sounds like a control freak-and their behaviour most often escalates.

    Get out now before it's too late.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Jul 28, 2011, 01:39 PM

    Doesn't matter if he is controlling or not. All that matters is what you do about it. Is he worth all this crap he puts you through?

    I doubt he changes his ways.
    hidden123's Avatar
    hidden123 Posts: 153, Reputation: 51
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    #5

    Jul 28, 2011, 02:19 PM
    To answer your question - yes he sounds very controlling..
    beth92's Avatar
    beth92 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Aug 6, 2011, 05:56 AM
    Im definitely not afraid of his temper cause he doesn't have one. He just makes me feel guilty about what I haven't done. Accusing me because I have a black and blue on me... its stupid little stuff that I don't know how to address when he does them because he's never been forceable but afterwards brushes it off he's very quiet about it.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,679, Reputation: 5430
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    #7

    Aug 6, 2011, 06:50 AM

    You want the psychology of it? He feels inadequate for some reason, so unconsciously feels the need to make sure YOU are "correct" and "adequate." He can't police himself, so he polices you, whom he in his head is allowed to police -- and resents it when anyone (you) polices him.

    Do his parents, whom he isn't allowed to be upset with because they're his parents, police him and have always been on his case about looking "acceptable" or behaving a certain way?
    BK201's Avatar
    BK201 Posts: 338, Reputation: 150
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    #8

    Aug 6, 2011, 07:16 AM

    So you have tried speaking to him about all these things and they are tagged as nagging. You have not done anything wrong at all, except for one thing. Giving him the power to control you. Control freaks are only afraid of being dumped. If he knows that you will do anything at the cost of your love, this is what he will do. And he will gain experience points and grow to a higher level control freak.
    Time to reverse the plate. You can tell him, if he can't trust you and love you as who you are, then you won't think for a second to dump him. Either you take the authority, or let him go for good. He will live on finding another girl, and you will get a boy who will love you who you are.
    beth92's Avatar
    beth92 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Aug 6, 2011, 04:50 PM
    I'm not really sure about his family. But he doesn't have the best relationship with them that I know.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7692
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    #10

    Aug 6, 2011, 04:56 PM

    Are you strong enough to say no to him, don't answer if he texts all day, tell him sorry he does not like thing, let him understand that his worry is his issue not yours
    beth92's Avatar
    beth92 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Aug 6, 2011, 04:56 PM
    I'm not really sure about his family. But he doesn't have the best relationship with them that I know.

    Not answering seems like a good idea I don't think he realizes how he is he thinks he's normal. It's impossible to argue because its his idea and that's it.
    CarrotTalker's Avatar
    CarrotTalker Posts: 392, Reputation: 189
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    #12

    Aug 6, 2011, 08:44 PM

    If its impossible to argue with him now, when things are supposed to be good and easy, how do you think he will be in the future?

    To give you the second degree about going out, after you already invited him and he declined, is simply ridiculous.

    Not to mention, he wants to know your whereabouts all day, but won't let you know he's down the street from you?

    I'm really just restating what you said to show you I agree with all the red-flags your mentioning.

    Does this honestly sound like the type of relationship that you want to be in or is healthy?
    brown4217's Avatar
    brown4217 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Aug 6, 2011, 10:39 PM

    All I have to say is GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW!! Before its to late. Because it will get physical and I don't want u to get. Hurt a by man who doesn't. Appreciate u... sooo leave.. get out .don't think this Relationship is going far cause it not unless u let it and its going to get worse
    beth92's Avatar
    beth92 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Aug 7, 2011, 09:06 AM
    I just wish it would work. I don't understand where he thinks I go. I'm with the same two girl friends everyday, the same restaurants out to eat with my girls. I work 40 hours a week. I go to school on top of that even during the summer. I can't change my location that quick, I don't even have a car. When I confront him about this, he just acts like I'm starting a fight. Our last disagreement was about him asking me what I'm doing and getting angry about when I didn't answer him right away. He thinks cause he's my boyfriend he should have every right to know where I am all the time. I made little snippy remarks and he was just like why are you being rude? So I told him I don't ask him every detail about your life. And he goes "yea, u do sometimes." which is where I went wrong by turning it around on him and doing the same thing. But I don't really want to do it to him like he wants to do it to me. I'm just trying to make him see how it feels. But he don't get that. I don't know what to do. I don't want to just dump him and I feel like there's a got to be a way to sit down and settle it, and try to work it out and make him see how I feel. Am I crazy for thinking that? Because I love him.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Aug 7, 2011, 09:32 AM

    Sorry Beth, as long as you continue to be willing to make it work then you give him total control to throw crap at you. Only when he knows you won't take his crap will he know your boundaries and respect them. If he does NOT, then you will know you don't have a willing partner to build and grow with.

    Bottom line, if you continue to let him cross your boundaries and treat you as his personal property, that's exactly what he will do. So get your own dignity and self respect back, and stop allowing this behavior, and he will either think and change, or you must be prepared to leave a situation that leaves you totally powerless.

    Waste no more time hoping for him to see things your way, he won't. So stop being a coward, and letting him bully you to be what he wants you to be.

    Dignity, and self respect. Start right now saying to yourself you are of value, and deserve much better than what he is giving.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,793, Reputation: 2604
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    #16

    Aug 7, 2011, 09:38 AM

    You are 18 he is 24. He knows he can't take you to a bar, he also knows he can't go drinking with you he'd be in a heap of trouble, so he's wanting to keep tabs on you.
    You are 18. The way the girls in his age group dress may be a bit different.
    Sounds to me like he likes the teen aged hottie, likes to control you but may be embarrassed by you.
    Leave him alone. It is not worth it.
    BK201's Avatar
    BK201 Posts: 338, Reputation: 150
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    #17

    Aug 7, 2011, 12:02 PM

    ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

    Wish it can be talked and settled out, but the problem is, its in his system. He sure loves you, but the way he is expressing is definitely not OK. Though you think you can handle it, actually you will snap at one point later. You don't want to dump him, and he, for sure knows this. And you don't have to dump him yet, but he ought to know that you won't hesitate to do it. Again, take control. Or you will just have to oblige to whatever he wants.
    beth92's Avatar
    beth92 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Aug 19, 2011, 10:27 PM
    We talked a few weeks ago and we seem to better. He doesn't constantly ask me where I am and I feel he trusts me more.

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