I have been with my boyfriend for four years. We have had a lot of problems but recently we decided to be 100% honest with each other and try to make our relationship better. During this little honesty chat, he revealed a lot of things about the past four years to me. He cheated on me with a girl in college, he told that girl and another girl that if he broke up with me he would go out with them, and he had inappropriate interactions with four other girls (badmouthing me, "friendly hanging out" until 2am, hiding them from me.) He said there were some specific girls that he considered leaving me for, and once last year he even came right out and said "I'm breaking up with you." But I thought we had worked things out.

My problem now is that he is very close friends with all the girls he considered leaving me for. I have SO many trust issues and insecurities and paranoias about him now, but I really want us to work. Two of his female friends have told him that I am "emotionally abusing" him when I tell him how the friendships upset me. I'm reaching a point of crying every night and such because this week, a girl broke down in front of him at his job, crying and hugging him, saying how important he was to her and that she wants to spend more time with him and hates that I am "limiting their friendship." Obviously this display upset my boyfriend and made him sympathize with the girl. But if she's that upset and cares that much about him, doesn't she have feelings for him! She has stated that she hates me, and I'm sure the other girls do too...

I have asked if I could accompany him to "hang outs" with these female friends, and try to get along with them, but he always tells me that he mainly sees these friends at his job or during religious celebrations (I am not of the same religion, but I have tried to get involved in these gatherings, but he turns me down.) I have changed myself so much for him and I have recently gotten more involved with his family, even though his family members were extremely rude to me when we first met and have yelled in my face multiple times (why? Because I gave him a gift of clothing that they didn't like.)

I myself am very shy and don't have many friends, and I always involve him when I do hang out with my few friends. If I sense someone hitting on me when I'm out alone, I immediately bring up my boyfriend. I also wear a promise ring. (I bought us a pair for our 3rd anniversary and he did not like them.. ) I am proud of him and I just want him to be proud of me, and proud of us..

I'm trying to do everything to make him happy, but when he chooses these female friends that he once had feelings for, it makes me feel worthless and like a failure. I hate saying "you must choose them or me," but he has so much bad inappropriate history with all of these girls. What do I do?

It is a sad thing when we allow bad behavior because we have no other happiness in our lives. I think you find a life that you enjoy without him, so you will not depend on him to make you happy, and would not so easily put up with his crap.

In my first relationship, I was told by my girlfriend that I was controlling her. Why was I controlling her? Well, because I didn't feel she should be hanging out with other guys without me there. In the long run, I was right. I caught her cheating. I made excuses to myself and allowed this garbage to continue until one day when I finally realized that I was shortchanging myself. I realized that even though I thought I loved her, I was only using that as an excuse to allow her to continue to make me feel like crap on the inside. It was hard, to walk away from her, but I did it. It was tough for a little while but guess what? In the long run, it all worked out and I was so much better off without her.

This guy that you're writing about sounds like a complete jerk and doesn't deserve to have you in his life. You may think you love him, and maybe you do, but you are allowing him to do this to you. He will not change... he won't. You may think it's going to be tough on you to walk away, and it will be, but in a short time, you'll look back and wonder why you put up with him treating you this way.

You don't deserve this... nobody does. Walk away.

Why are you allowing this guy make you feel so unhappy?

Take yourself out of the picture for a second here:
-boyfriend of 4yrs admits to cheating on his girlfriend multiple times with girls he continues to hang around with to this day?
-He won't stop spending time with these girls!
-He admitted he told the girls he slept with that you two were having problems or breaking up?
-he won't invite his girlfriend out when he's with them? Leaving her an emotional wreck.


He's clearly getting the best of both worlds
He's manipulating everybody here. He has you feeling insecure and he has those girls thinking you are a monster to him.. this ensures he can keep you both separate and carry on with his 'double life'! He obviously feeds off the attention lavished upon him by these girls.
Surely if you treated him that badly then he would just leave you?

Ask yourself this..
What is he even doing discussing your relationship with these girls?
Has he even apologised for what he's done? For how its made you feel?
And finally..
Why is he telling you the things these girls are saying about you in work?

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship here but from what you've said.. you are clearly unhappy.
He shows no real signs of changing. Sure he's finally admitted to you about his cheating + indicated who with but does he actually show that he's willing to take action and prove to you that he's serious about you two making a fresh start? I mean how can he if he's still having close contact with those girls to your knowledge!
Maybe you should take that next step and move on from him completely?
How can you repair the shattered trust if he's continuing to be around those girls? You'll always wonder if he's being unfaithful to you when he's on nights out

You are right about not wanting to give him the ultimatium between you or these other girls but one massive piece of the puzzle you are missing out on is... why would you want to give him the power to make such an important decission? Take that power from him.. make the decission yourself?

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life sharing him with other girls?