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janayrae · Jul 29, 2008, 11:30 PM

So my boyfriend cheated on me, we were at a point in our relationship where everything was going bad and we were constantly fighting so he had his reasons, my best friend FLIPPED out when she found out he cheated on me, she told me I could never talk to him ever again but recently he came over and we sat down and talked about everything for about 2 days straight, he apologized and made every effort possible to get me back. I ended up taking him back because we both are so in love with each other, I want to marry this guy and I've never felt like this before in my life. He means so much to me and I just can't picture my life without him. But my best friend has NO clue that I took him back, I've been lying to her about who I've been hanging out with because I know that she will flip and yell at me and tell me he's no good for me and she'll stop being friends with me. Apart of me feels like she should know cause she's my best friend and she's entitled to know but another part of me feels like who I love is MY business no one else's, no one else is in the relationship but me and him so we should be able to work things out on our own without her nagging at me about him every 5 minutes. I'm just at the point where I don't know what to do, I don't want her to be mad at me, but I'm in love with him and I can't help how I feel. What do I do?

ylaira · Jul 29, 2008, 11:41 PM

Maybe you friend sees things more objectively that's why she's like that though your right that its none of her business. What does your family feels about that guy? Do they have the same reaction? If they do, think again if you are doing the right thing of taking him back.

Romefalls19 · Jul 30, 2008, 05:51 AM

My aspect of things are if I have to hide my relationship from people, there's a reason for it. You should tell your friend, maybe she is right in why she thinks the way she does. Once a cheater always a cheater

Depressed in MO · Jul 30, 2008, 06:15 AM

I've been through this before-from both sides. But mainly yours. I've been the one that had the loser, cheating boyfriend with good advice given to me by friends and acquaintances-I asked for the advice. I vented, they listened, and offered support. I took the support-and went right back to him. On more than one occasion. I have lost trust, and good friends/people because of this. People get tired of hearing the same story over and over again... "he cheated on me, I hate him, I can't believe he did this to ME..." only to give their most outstanding advice and then have that same person (you-in this case) come back and say "well, he didn't mean it, and we love each other, and he is really sorry..."-

We tend to think that people only give us advice to keep away from these guys because they care about us, and they don't know HIM, so they are just angry that he hurt us-but they don't really know him so they are just taking sides...
The truth is, people give you this advice because they have been through it, just like you and I, and they are speaking from experience.
Your friend may or may not forgive you, but it would be the noble thing to do to tell her the truth. Because she will find out anyway-then she will be upset with you even more because you have been lying to her about it all this time.

JBeaucaire · Jul 30, 2008, 09:29 AM

Friendship isn't based on agreeability. It's based on consistency. She consistently cares about you. You can trust that.

That means you don't need to lie to her. Further, you NEED to let her get mad and come to your emotional defense. You NEED her counsel contrary to your wishes. You NEED this.

I'm not saying you need to fight, I'm saying that close friends are confidants who give us the honest feedback and viewpoints we try to ignore ourselves. It's necessary to have people in our lives who do this for us.

plonak · Jul 30, 2008, 09:45 AM

You have got some good advice here.. take it from people who have been through this before

I have been through you situation in a way, my ex never cheated on me, but he was close, and probably would have if I wouldn't have stopped it.. so that being said.. the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a very true statement.. you may truly believe that your boyfriend loves you and probably does, won't deny that, but he's an eye wanderer and that's never going to change about him , if he believes he can do it once, what's going to stop him again?

Also, the fact that you're having to hide your relationship from other people is another sign that things aren't right in your relationship. If you're family and friends don't like what he's doing to you, and they know you best, maybe you subconsciously feel that way too, that's why you're hiding it.

As for your friend, tell her the truth and tell her you're sorry for lying but that you're going to do what you want to do.. that's the facts.. people usually have to learn from their own mistakes, their friends can try to stop them, but they going to do it anyway..

REally think hard if this is someone that you want to marry, does he really have endearing qualities? Can you ever really trust him again? Think through those and be true to yourself.

KissMe10der · Jul 30, 2008, 09:55 AM

My ex cheated on me, he got drunk and danced with a girl at a bar. I wasent old enough to go to the bar yet, and he kissed her..

Well, at the time my grandfather was in the hospital dying... We were visiting him and we went to go eat in the cafeteria... It was just me and him... He waited 3 days to tell me. And THIS was the moment he told me. When I was out in public, visiting my dying grandfather. Anyway, we didn't break up. Thinking that I could make it work.

We dated for 8 months, this happen at 2 months. And you know what... he broke up with me a couple weeks after he cheated on me. Told me, since my uncle was dying of cancer and my grandfather just passed away, that I should deal with this on my own. That he wasent sure he loved me.

Im kicking myself for taking him back... Cause after that I never felt the same... I was always on edge telling him no drinking or going to the bar.. When before I couldn't care less. He would call me drunk, which mean he had no respect for me and my feelings.

So after christmas, I broke up with him. It hurt, but I wasent happy. Constantly worrying why someone who says they love me, would cheat on me. CHEATING doesn't happen if you LOVE that person!!

JBeaucaire · Jul 30, 2008, 11:39 AM

Sorry, but you're wrong, KissMe. Cheating does happen even when there is love. Love is actually an unattached emotion. It stands on its own. It requires nothing back. You can love and absolute serial killer pedophile and not know why. It just happens.

So, the same is true for cheaters. They cheat for reasons of their own. They can love you and still let you down. It's called human nature. Left to its own devices, human nature will seek its own desires, and those change from moment to moment and don't always take into account "the greater good".

So, cheating CAN happen against someone you DO love. All it takes is for selfishness and spinelessness to exist, too.

KissMe10der · Jul 30, 2008, 11:48 AM

I disagree, if your in love.. You won't cheat. If you do then its not love. Its not TRUE love. Maybe a lame excuse for love.. or maybe they just don't know what being in love means.

talaniman · Jul 30, 2008, 12:14 PM

For whatever reason you have decided to forgive him, and take him back, and that's your choice. Own your decision, and take what comes with it. Good or bad.

tolerance · Jul 30, 2008, 03:38 PM

I guess whenever your relationship gets rough he'l cheat, since that's was his reason in the first place. Your friend is in your business because you made it part of her business. Unlike your boyfriend, she don't want to see you get hurt because that's not love. Yes you will have arguments, good times, and bad times, but that's part of being in a relationship. Never would any one want to hurt you by cheating on you because now trust is broken. Of course he's beg your forgiveness but when your in love you don't see what others see. If the shoe was on the other foot, what would you advise your friend to do?

My friend does the same as you, hide her no good boyfriend that treats her like sh*t, cheat on her,etc It gets me mad at time but I learned she will never change but complains to everyone about him. I learned to not heard any of their problems but its hurt for me to see her go through so much hurt because she can do a lot better and is better off without and she been with him for 6 years.

It's your life and your going do as you please, but your decisions play a role for your future. Sometimes you settle because your afraid of change and change is good sometimes. Don't say it your life, your friend knows that, but as soon he act up again you go to her for a shoulder to lean on. In that case keep your problems to yourself, this way she's not getting involve because your getting her involve.

Lovelee · Jul 30, 2008, 06:35 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

For whatever reason you have decided to forgive him, and take him back, and thats your choice. Own your decision, and take what comes with it. Good or bad.

I completely agree with you Tal.

It is your choice weather or not you want to be with him. Your friend cares about you and that's good but you need to make your own decisions, you have to live with how you feel.

marissa_19 · Jul 31, 2008, 07:42 PM

It is your business yet your friend cares about you therefore what happens to you is her business too... You should think about it a lot, and decide what's best for you, something similar happened to me and I'm going crazy right now, simply because I don't know what to do. I just found out a couple of days ago that my boyfriend slept with some girl at the begining of our relationship yet he assures that it was when we were broken up, but my friend says he;s heard that he cheated on me more than once and he has slept with this girl four times. My boyfriend admitted that he did fooled around but it was durin our break and only once. Im going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore.

marissa_19 · Jul 31, 2008, 07:43 PM

It is your business yet your friend cares about you therefore what happens to you is her business too... You should think about it a lot, and decide what's best for you, something similar happened to me and I'm going crazy right now, simply because I don't know what to do. I just found out a couple of days ago that my boyfriend slept with some girl at the begining of our relationship yet he assures that it was when we were broken up, but my friend says he;s heard that he cheated on me more than once and he has slept with this girl four times. My boyfriend admitted that he did fooled around but it was durin our break and only once. Im going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore.

Marissa </3:(

fatboyturnedsli · Feb 23, 2009, 11:33 AM

Don't leave him NOW ! But he will make you leave him soon... and that would be more painful.. u won't understand rite now because LOVE is a fools paradise.. wait and watch and pray everything to be fine.