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lisa1989 · Jul 15, 2011, 06:50 AM

Hi! I recently found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with a friend, which not only does it hurt, but I was also ridiculed and made a fool of. The problem is I can't confront him and let him know that I know because the person who told me made me swear not to say anything otherwise there will be a huge problem. I am definitely sure that it's true that he cheated on me because several times I noticed strange habits, which were a hint, but I chose to not believe anything bad. However, he loves me very much and we've always wanted to get married. Every time I see him or talk to him now, I feel so disgusted, but I love him too much to let him go, especially since I can't tell him the reason. I feel so stuck because he noticed that I drastically changed my attitude towards him and he's very hurt and wants to know why I changed. I don't know what to do.. Someone please help me!

redhed35 · Jul 15, 2011, 07:04 AM

If its true there should be no problem, if the person who told you this was not willing to back up what they said, why the hell tell you!

A huge problem for who? There are consquences for saying this kind of stuff, either its true or not, IF its true it needs to be brought out into the open, because someone is lying to you.

Aurora_Bell · Jul 15, 2011, 07:07 AM

Well you have two options, forget it or confront him. You can out right ask him if he has cheated on you, if he asks why you are asking , say you just have a feeling. If he denies it, you know right then that he does not respect you enough to tell you the truth, and he will probably do it again. Does the person who told you not know how detrimental this information is? Why wouldn't they allow you to come forth with this info? Obviously neither person cares too much about your feelings and well being.

As hard as it would be, I would wash my hands with both people. If he loves you like he said he does, he would find no reason to look for other partners. And the friend who he cheated on you with, she sucks too. Get rid of her for sure.

No one likes breaking up, no ever claimed it was easy, and when you love someone, it's hard to see their faults and it's just too easy to put your emotions on the back burner and pretend all is good. It sounds like you may suffer from a little bit of low self esteem if you think this is acceptable. And by acceptable I mean you are willing to not confront him or continue to tell yourself he loves you when he so obviously has no respect for you.

I am really sorry you are in this situation. I totally understand how hard it is. It's painful and embarrassing. I get that, but what's more humiliating is staying with and allowing this behavior to happen.

AshleRenee · Jul 15, 2011, 07:59 AM

Well, I'm so sorry you are going through this. However, I have been through it as well and I am happy to say we came out on the other end a stronger couple. Although it was not without a lot of hard work on both sides.

First of all, you HAVE to talk to him and let him know you know. The only way to restablish trust is for BOTH of you to come completely clean with EVERYTHING. You must both be a complete open book to each other. As far as your "friend" who made you swear not to say anything... forget her. She is not a friend and is not a part of your relationhship. She was simply the piece in the game he played. It is about you and him... period.

Once you have both decided to restablish the trust, you must begin your relationship from step one. Build from the ground up. I would not recommend you get married until you know if this is going to be possible.

Finally, you must remember that we are all broken as humans and need forgiveness at some point in our lives. We are selfish by nature and he committed a selfish act. We all at some time will need forgiveness and grace even when we probably do not deserve it.

I hope this helps and good luck!

lisa1989 · Jul 15, 2011, 09:00 AM

Hi aurora_bell! I thank you all for your answers. The problem is that the person who told me is his own brother because he really cares about me and always advises me. His brother has always been very sincere about my boyfriend's personality and how he doesn't deserve me, but I never really listened to him until he confessed to me. Even my boyfriend's mother is very sincere about my boyfriend's difficult personality, but I never really listened to her either because as you said, it is hard to see their faults when you're in love. So the thing is if I do confront my boyfriend, there will be a big fight between him and his brother and I don't want to be the reason for it because I truly love and respect his family as they have always been very good to me.

Jake2008 · Jul 15, 2011, 12:26 PM

What if he were your husband, instead of your boyfriend. And what if you had two kids, a mortgage, car payments and a maxed out overdraft.

THAT situation with him would make life very difficult, and complicated, and expensive (lawyers) and bitter and everything else.

I have never heard of a married woman who was aware that her husband was cheating, and stayed with him either to protect 'the source' or because she was too much of a coward to deal with the truth.

You have been given a GIFT- knowledge!! Do something about it. Either dump the lying, cheating man, or suffer the consequences of knowing this 'incident' will never, ever go away.

Count your blessings, and get out.

talaniman · Jul 15, 2011, 12:42 PM

I am definitely sure that it's true that he cheated on me because several times I noticed strange habits, which were a hint, but I chose to not believe anything bad.

Confront him on his strange habits that you have noticed, and if he does not come clean, then dump him. Let him figure it out all by himself, while you have a great life.

snasir133 · Jul 16, 2011, 08:45 AM

Hhhmmmmm... first of all, its not necessary that the person who have told you is angel and telling you all the truth, there might be several reasons for him/her.
Look, we are not angels and humans do mistakes.
Try to give him the space for confrontation. Be polite, be frank, and make him realise that you love him unconditionally, no matter what he do and what he did... and then see what happens?
Don't take quick decision. Let the time passes... May GOD will help you.
And remember, never tell him exactly the same thing you know. Bcoz after that you will be in more tension, I swear...

lisa1989 · Jul 16, 2011, 09:21 AM

Well there's no need in giving time or space since he broke up with me just because I changed my attitude towards him. I told him that I would completely forgive anything he ever did, but only to come clean once and for all, and yet he still denied to do so and chose to leave me after a 2-year of serious relationship with marriage plans and everything. What hurts the most is that I always gave him everything and I was so sincere to him from the start and always respected him while he always disrespected me.. I even tolerated his mistreatment towards me and his awful words and hurtful behaviors, but cheating is something I can never get over and I can't even confront him.. I only wish I could get over him just like it's so easy for him to forget me and meet new women...

talaniman · Jul 16, 2011, 10:48 AM

You will, when you realize that he doesn't care for you, or any other female, only for himself. This hurts now, but later it will be seen for what it is, a true blessing in disguise.

Don't you deserve a relationship built on truth, honesty, respect, and loyalty? He can't give you that! So it seems, YOU win.

vanheart · Jul 16, 2011, 05:52 PM

I agree w/Tal.

It may not seem like it now, but you will thank your lucky stars to be away from him.

You've put up with enough. And he's a user. Took total advantage of your trust & forgiveness.

He doesn't deserve any of that, or you. He's a disrespectful cheater.

If I were you, I would never, ever talk to him again. Or anyone that is close to him, or has anything to do w/him.

Remove this cancer. Once & for all.

You deserve better. Use this as a lesson for next time.

This will help you see that there are truly good men out there.

lisa1989 · Jul 17, 2011, 05:47 AM

u'r absolutely right.. but the problem now is that I feel like I absolutely lost trust in men.. this time I found out the truth just because his brother was thoughtful enough to let me know.. what if the same thing happens to me next time and I never find out.. I don't ever want to deal with this situation again.. I'm too hurt as it is.. I can't imagine ever going through this again...

snasir133 · Jul 18, 2011, 07:32 AM

Don't worry Lisa, you are a good girl, don't worry, GOD will definitely help you.. the world is round, and all the bad deeds will come after him one day... you just relax and thank to GOD that HE has saved you from some big problem.
Just take care of yourself..

vanheart · Jul 18, 2011, 03:54 PM

There's no need to worry about "what ifs" ever, really.

You have had your trust broken, yes. But that's because your ex took advantage & wasn't right for you.

Heal from this first & realize what you don't & do want in a mate.

Use this for later. Be more aware & prepared,

Love is always a risk, but the more you know about yourself & a partner, the more equipped you will be.

It takes time to recover, but bitterness and mistrust in men will only hold you back.

You will emerge from this WAY smarter & stronger.