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Torrid13 · Apr 4, 2009, 11:35 AM

I'm just going to say in advanced that I am sorry this is so long. There's so many details, but I don't know how else to get good advice without giving the full story. :/

Okay, my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We had been dating for a year and 3 months, and he had asked me when we were both Seniors in High School. We dated in the same city for about 7.5 months before we went to college, where we maintained a LDR. That was what we both wanted, because he wanted to marry me and told me on numerous occassions, ever since the beginnings of our relationship. I didn't believe him in the beginning because I never had anyone say they wanted to marry me. But when he started drawing up house plans for us and thinking about kid names and financial plans, well, I couldn't help but believe him. He was planning, you know?

Anyway, we saw each other every couple of months, and we talked as often as we could, because he went to school full time and worked full time, so it was mostly little conversations here and there during the week and then we'd speak a lot during the weekends, and send each other packages and letters pretty frequently. Whenever I'd come back home (I live 1,100 miles away, so I couldn't just drive to see him on the weekends, unfortunately) things were amazing. It was never awkward, never like we had to get to know each other again. It was like I never left. And whenever I'd have to leave again to go back, he would cry so much and write me letters and take pictures of himself for me, or make little videos that I could watch when I miss him. Especially whenever I was back for Winter Break, he spent a lot of money on me in the short time I was there, like $300 dollars, buying me expensive birthday presents and taking me out for dates and things. And whenever I left, he gave the sweetest, saddest letter about missing me and loving me and that I've changed his life. There were tear stains on it and hearts drawn all over it. :(

So I came back, waiting for Spring Break to go home again. Our habits never changed. We talked, laughed, letters, etc. As the time got closer, he was counting down the days til I came home. He would send me text messages everyday saying things like, "You're amazing!" or "I can't wait to see you!", and naturally I was excited! The day I was leaving, he was like, "Have you landed yet?! Where are you?!" before I even left my state. It was so sweet.

I got there on a Friday, and he called me on Saturday and we hung out immediately after eating lunch with my family and asking my dad if he could take me home with him. It was so much fun! Like every other time we're together. Like I said, never awkward, never like, "Who are you again?" When we got to his house, he had this HUGE box of presents for me. He bought T-Shirts from my favorite book series (Twilight, haha), all of my favorite candies, stickers, books, cards, and a teddy bear he stuffed and things (Build-A-Bear) and was like holding it, saying, "Look, the bear has the same color of hair you have! :)" It was perfect. As we watched a movie on his bed, he put my hand on his heart the whole time while my head laid on his chest. Told me I was so beautiful and kind, etc.

Sunday was almost the exact same. On the way to church, he was trying to teach me this Bible song so I could "teach our kids." He acted sweet and everything the rest of the day, very courteous, not distant, not anything but, well, the perfect boyfriend. I mean, I know he has flaws and stuff, but just very much like a gentleman and loving. I don't know if it's important, but we never had sex. We want to save it for marriage.

Monday & Tuesday of that week, he had school and work, and on Monday I got him the new Killers CD and his favorite candies and a card and dropped them off at his house, just to let him know I was thinking about him. He was touched. We were going to see each other on Wednesday.

Wednesday came, and I went to the college that I am transferring to to put down the enrollment fee. He knew I was transferring and had been excited, so I was excited that I could tell him that I was all registered and such. By the way, I wasn't transferring for him. I've been a extremely hard time with the ROTC program at my college, I almost lost my leg. x_x And the college wasn't keeping their promises. He played a part, but wasn't the whole reason. So I was outside playing baseball with my brother, and he pulls up in his car and gets out and starts playing with us, too. We laughed and were having a good time. I went upstairs to change into another shirt because I was sweaty, and he went to sit in the car to wait. I came back down stairs and we were in his car and laughing and tickling each other, etc, and when the laughter died down, he laid his head against the head rest and looked at me. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn't say. He just kept looking at me. I told him about the University, and he said, "How much money did you put down?" and I said, "Why does it matter?" and he said nothing. Tears started streaming down his face, and I asked again what was wrong, and he started playing with my hair and telling me how pretty he thinks I am.

And suddenly...he starts...howling. I don't know how else to say it. He started sobbing and howling like a wounded animal. It was heartbreaking. I asked him what was wrong, concerned. He had just came back from the Psychiatrist, and had recently been diagnosed with depression, so I was afraid he was told something really bad. And he looked at me and said, "I love you SO much, I love you, but I don't think we can continue our relationship as a romantic one anymore." I stared at him, in complete shock. Where was this coming from? What happened to teaching our kids a Bible song? What happened to wanting to get married to me? I asked him if there was another girl, and he looked at me in horror and was like, "I would NEVER do that you. NEVER. EVER."

"What do you mean?!" I said. He kept sobbing, and was like, "I love you, but I don't love you like a man would love his wife. I'm so sorry..." He kept sobbing and shaking and stuff, and I asked him what I do now. He said that I was more than welcome to come home with him and eat dinner. I didn't want the car to be the last time I'd see him, so I said "Okay." We got to his house and he was handing me my stuff, and when we reached for my jacket, some presents I had gotten for him fell out. He howled some more. We went in and ate dinner with his family, and he went into another room and told his mom. She was devastated and cried. His sisters cried, too. Everyone cried. We all got along so well. They didn't understand why. His dad later sent me emails like, "I am so sorry. I am so sad. I don't know what he thinks he's doing. You are perfect!!" His parents thought we would be together forever, too. Sad. :(

I went on a walk outside, to clear my head, and when I finally made my way back to the house, he came running outside with a jacket and was like, "I was really worried about where you were!" I was confused by this, but we kept walking. He kept asking me, "What are you thinking?" and what I'm feeling, and I said, "It doesn't matter anymore." And he said, "It DOES matter." I replied, "To who?!" and he said, "It matter to ME. It matters to ME." We talked about what happened, and he said, "You did nothing wrong. You were perfect. Just...a couple of times during the past few months, I felt like we were more best friends than lovers...I was hoping it would just fix itself, but it didn't..." I said, "How could you tell me on Sunday that you want me to teach our kids a Bible song, and then just change your mind on Wednesday!" He replied, "I wasn't planning on breaking up with you on Sunday. I didn't decide til yesterday. Whenever I wrote you texts and was counting down the days til you came home, it was because I was genuinely excited to see you. You can't imagine how excited I am that you're transferring. I meant it. I enjoy your company immensely." He cried. And kept crying. I felt so bad.

He gets stress migraines, and he got one and was too upse to drive, so he asked him mom to drive us to my house. When we got there, his mom asked him to get out, and when he did, she broke down. She begged me not to take myself from their lives, that I changed their lives. That whenever I wasn't there, he didn't act like himself, that he rarely smiled and didn't laugh much, etc, but when I was there, he was like his old self again. I felt torn. What to do? I got out and went to him, and I said, "What now?" He said, "It's up to you. I want you to be my friend. I genuinely don't want to lose you from my life. You know me better than anyone else, I feel the same towards you. But if it's too painful for you, then I would understand. You have a right to be angry. I want you to be happy, and if you're happier not being my friend...I'll have to live with that. Whenever you're ready to be friends, I want you to call me, okay? Don't worry about bothering me, or feel like you'll be considered one of those scary ex girlfriends. It will never be like that. I will never treat you like that. I would call you, but I don't want to put myself on you when you're not ready and hurt more than I already have...If you have any questions about being friends or about the breakup, I want you to ask me. Anything and everything you want to ask, ask it. I will answer anything and everything you ask." He gave me a big hug and then we said goodbye.

Whenever I got up to my house and told my parents, they were shocked. I passed out from shock, apparently. :( A few days later, I texted him a question. He didn't answer for an hour, and then wrote, "Hey! Sorry, my family was in the movies! I am so glad you texted!! Can I call you later?" I stared at it, like, are you kidding me? I told him sure, and that I was surprised he was glad I texted, because I was afraid. He replied, "You shouldn't be afraid. EVER. I want you to call me or text me whenever you want or need to. Really, I mean that." After more texts, he got home and called me. We talked for a good hour and a half. We laughed and stuff like we always had...it wasn't awkward at all. >.< I asked him what he meant by "friends," and he said, "Best friends. Like I said, you know me better than anyone else, and I know you. We go to the movies, and then get coffee, or go to Barnes & Nobles, or if you want, we can come to my house and watch movies in my room or play the Wii, etc. We can do whatever you want!" We did all those things while we dated. X___X We talked some more, and he was like, "As soon as you get off the plane over there, I want you to call or text me and let me know you got there safe, okay?" I was leaving the next day. We talked til Midnight.

So I finally got back here and I told him. He said he was relieved and glad there were no problems. Every time I had a question for him and I texted him, he'd call to talk to me about it. I told him that if he seriously thinks he's going to find someone that loves and adores him and listens and cares like I do, he's sadly mistaken. Especially if he thinks he's going to find a better friend. It was quiet, and then he started crying and said he had to go.

Ever since then, he's been contacting me in some form everyday. Through text or Facebook, or calling. He calls me the most. For my FB status, I told that I was invited to be in an Honors' Society, and that I wish others would think I'm magnificent. I was talking about him, though. He got on FB chat just to tell me "You are magnificent. Sleep well. I'll call you tomorrow." He talked to me the next day, then called me on Saturday and said:

Him:"I'm feeling angsty."
Me: "Oh. I'm not."
Him: "Yes, you are. I know you and I know how you feel about things."
Me: "You didn't even ask me how I feel."
Him: "I look at your FB page and DA page, like I always have. I know how you feel."

His mom finally made him get off the phone, and he said he would call me later. I decided to ignore him for a week. He would try to talk to me, but I wouldn't do anything. His mom called me and was asking how I was doing, and she said that he's been having migraines everyday and isn't doing too well. That she thinks he's a moron for doing this.

I felt bad for writing some mean stuff that I know he had read, so I texted him that I'm sorry for being mean. He said there was nothing to be sorry for, and tried to call me 3 times. When I wouldn't pick up, he called my best friend!! WHY?! It went to voicemail, and he asked her to call him back. She did, but he was in a Student Government meeting, and had to call her back. I don't know if he has or not yet. He called me and left a voicemail, and I text him, and he called me again. I picked up this time and he was making jokes and telling me that he has to go back to work, but we need to catch up ASAP. What killed me was that he said, "OH! I wanted to write this on FB, but I didn't know how...YOU LOOK SOOOO GOOD IN YOUR PICTURES THAT YOU UPLOADED THE OTHER DAY. YOU LOOK SOOO GOOD. Like really. I am so happy for you!! Okay, I'm going to call you tonight or tomorrow and talk to you! So much has been going on, and some of it has been so awkward, and I don't want to talk to anyone but you about it. Okay, I gotta go! I'll talk to you later!!"

I just stood there after hung up, wondering what's going on. I am so sorry this is so long, but...what's going on? Everyone says that once I go back [in 4 weeks!] that he'll change his mind, that's he's just confused. I don't know what's going on. He's in pain, and I"m in pain, yet...I don't know. I know he's not gay, and he said that he's not. Once he told his mom he felt so guilty because he doesn't get to talk to me very much and it hurts me. I don't know. I don't know what his feelings are, as obvious as perhaps it is to others.
I mean, we fought sometimes, but he was never direspectful or yelled at me, and we'd compromise. He wasn't spineless and passive. I don't know what happened. Everyone was shocked! He said he wasn't going to be looking for a girlfriend for a long time, and that maybe in a few years, he could help me find a new boyfriend, and if he wasn't treating me like I deserve, he would tell me that maybe I should break up with him. What the heck?! What's going on?!

liz28 · Apr 4, 2009, 11:59 AM

I don't know what is wrong with him but do you think it's due to his depression?

I think you need to separate yourself from him now. He choose not to be with you so you don't have to entertain anything he has to say to you at this point.

You need to do what is best for you and you don't need his confusion at this point. You need to heal and keeping in contact with him let alone being his bff(as he suggest) isn't good for your emotional state.

Right now he bankrupting you, emotionally. Emotional bankrupt is what it called and sort of played on your emotions and I believe he was fighting this issue for a while and not within a day to break things between the two of you.

But you know what life goes on. Right now you have to put yourself back together piece by piece and it is going take a lot of inner strength from you and it won't happen overnight, next week, or a month. You take all the time you need and take it day by day.

No more texts, communicating through internet, etc. You shouldn't put his needs before your by feeling gulity because he's down due to you not talking to him. You owe him nothing only yourself. So stop the pity trips for him.

I am so sorry this happen but sometimes we don't or can't figure out why people do things. So we can only move on and remember he doesn't any show and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

BMI · Apr 4, 2009, 12:04 PM

Certainly enough detail.

The main point in this whole stor is that he does not love you the way he thinks he should. Whether he is confused or misguided is another story.

I hate to say it but this is not a problem that can really be fixed if it is what he says it is. He's spent over a year with you and concluded that he does not love you enough, essentially. No matter what you do or what you say, I can't imagine he does not know that especially seeing as how he ended it out of the blue. I'll also add that out of the blue is only your perspective because you could not see it coming, he thought about this long before he mentioned it to you.

With regards to all the nice times you spent and all the future plans you made, most relationships go through this phase, sadly a lot of them do not end with what was planned.

If you can look past all the information and remove all the clouds you'll see he is saying that he needs to move on, plain and simple.

I hate to be harsh but I think it would do you no good to continue speaking with him on such a regular basis or plotting some strategy that will see you re-unite. You must begin distancing yourself so that you will be able to see clearly and get yourself straight.

Sorry about you're the break-up.

Torrid13 · Apr 4, 2009, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

I don't know what is wrong with him but do you think it's due to his depression?

I think you need to seperate yourself from him now. He choose not to be with you so you don't have to entertain anything he has to say to you at this point.

You need to do what is best for you and you don't need his confusion at this point. You need to heal and keeping in contact with him let alone being his bff(as he suggest) isn't good for your emotional state.

Right now he bankrupting you, emotionally. Emotional bankrupt is what it called and sort of played on your emotions and I believe he was fighting this issue for a while and not within a day to break things between the two of you.

Thank you for your answer, I really appreciate it. I know you're right, especially about the emotionally bankrupting me. I guess I'm still in some sort of denial. It's hard for me to believe that he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I need to stop talking to him for a little while, but what sucks is that I won't be healed by the time I see him again. I would hate for it to be written all over my face. x_x

I was thinking it was from his depression, but I don't know. No clue.

Torrid13 · Apr 4, 2009, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

If you can look past all the information and remove all the clouds you'll see he is saying that he needs to move on, plain and simple.

I hate to be harsh but i think it would do you no good to continue speaking with him on such a regular basis or plotting some strategy that will see you re-unite. You must begin distancing yourself so that you will be able to see clearly and get yourself straight.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. It helps me see past things. The hardest part I think is saying "No" to communication and keeping it. I'm not plotting or something to get back with him. It's his loss, and I know that, but it still hurts horribly bad. :(

Sorry again for all the detail...

liz28 · Apr 4, 2009, 12:41 PM

Right now your going through the five stages of grief. Which are:

1)Denial. This is usually our first reaction to the loss of something we're attached to, is denial.

2)Anger. This is due to the actual break-up, after denial anger settles in you. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary. Let it go. Forgive them. It will give you the ability to heal from your loss.

3)Bargaining: This is as strange a grief behavior as Denial

4)Depression: This is the most dangerous stage of grief.

5)Acceptance. This isn't all bells and fireworks. It's a decision to be at peace with the way things are. To know that no amount of denial, bargaining, anger or depression is going to recover our loss. We begin to accept that loss is part of life. It's not good or bad... just how it is. So we decide to go on, to find joy in our lives and to bring joy to the lives of others.

The most important thing for you to do right down is to stay busy and again out of contact with him. If you choose to maintain a friendship with his mother have boundaries. Her son isn't up for discussion right down and she should understand.

garry2361323 · Apr 4, 2009, 01:01 PM

I am going through exactly the same phase of life. Confused, angry... n evrytime asking this question 'y it happened with me?"... But when I think that I gave her my best and I did whatever I can do for her... this thought gives me strength for a while. To think that I was never wrong in this whole course of relationship.. it was she who turned out to be a looser at the end... it was she who never deserved me. What I think.. at this point of time we should concentrate more on ourselves. We have to become bit selfish and think for our better. I sincerely hope that soon u'll get out of all these dilemma. Even m also trying my best to come out of it and I know one day I'll succeed :)

-Gaurav

Torrid13 · Apr 4, 2009, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

Right now your going through the five stages of grief.

What kills me is that I'm not as angry as I want to be. I want to hate him and just be like, "HAHA! YOU SUCK AND I'M AMAZING!"... but I can't. :(

At least when I'm angry I feel like I'm going places.
Right now, the only place I feel like I'm going is the bathroom to throw up. Whenever I eat something, no matter what it is, I get sick. I don't have an eating disorder, but it's getting on my nerves. I don't sleep. I don't do anything. I mean, I go out with my best friend, and she's understanding, but I have to force myself. But it doesn't make me feel better at all. I still think about it. :(

How much time does it generally take to get over breakups?

Torrid13 · Apr 4, 2009, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by garry2361323

I am going through exactly the same phase of life. Confused, angry....n evrytime asking this question 'y it happened with me?"...But when i think that i gave her my best n i did whatever i can do for her...this thought gives me strength for a while. To think that i was never wrong in this whole course of relationship..it was she who turned out to be a looser at the end....it was she who never deserved me.

Thank you for your answer, I really appreciate it.
I did try my best. I did go out of my way to know that he was appreciated. He gave that up.

I'm hurting really bad, but I know the sun will shine again. I just wish it wouldn't take so much time. I wish I could know what he was thinking, and what I did to make it seem like we were more "best friends" than "lovers," but I guess that I will just have to accept that I will probably never know, and get over it.

I hope you feel better soon, too. :)

talaniman · Apr 5, 2009, 01:40 PM

You know nothing of his depression, but it may be safe to assume that has a lot to do with his thinking, and actions.

I think you should educate yourself to what he is suffering, and then be realistic about the chances he will overcome this enough to be able to have a healthy relationship. Many do with the proper care, and help.

Knowing what your dealing with, can help you make a decision, if he is worth being a friend, or not, and the form that friendship takes. For sure, right now you maybe can't help him, but can understand better what he is going through.

For now, accept what he wants, and be good to yourself. If that means backing away from him to protect yourself, that's the thing to do, and find your own peace of mind.

Good Luck with that.

Torrid13 · Apr 5, 2009, 05:26 PM

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymia, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder recently, a little before he was going to the doctor and got diagnosed with depression.

We both actually liked the fact that we were going through similar things, because we understood what it's like to be depressed, etc etc whereas the other people in our lives couldn't relate, so it was nice to be able to talk to someone.

But it's hard for me, because even though I have episodes and stuff, I never considered ending it with him. Maybe because I'm selfish? I don't know.

But on the other hand, he suffers from some symptoms a lot stronger than I do, i.e, he feels really guilty about things all the time whereas I do not.

In February, his mom called me to see how I was doing, and said he was withdrawing from her and such, and that the night before he came in from work really upset and saying, "I feel so guilty... I never get to talk to her [me] as much as I want and it hurts her so bad and I can't do this anymore... "

But... I'm transferring in a month. Could he not wait? I don't know. He hasn't been a jerk or anything, and genuinely seems to want to be my friend... it's just a confusing situation, and right now I'm pulling away so I can heal, although considering I was/am his only really, really close friend, it's hard on him, too.

But he ended it with me, so I guess that he'll have to deal with those consequences, as bad as I wish he wouldn't have to.

Torrid13 · Apr 11, 2009, 10:45 AM

Okay, so I told him no contact until I get back home for summer break.

Apparently it's been really bothering him. Which it should, since I'm interesting. >:3

But I have this new friend named Andrew. I'm not interested in him romantically, and he has had a girlfriend for a long time. However, Andrew's been calling me and texting me all the time, and going through really old pictures as if he likes me, which made me uncomfortable and unfair to his girlfriend. So I told him to stop.

But, he found a picture of me and my ex, and commented on it. The end part of the comment said, "Hello Daniel." Daniel is tagged in the picture, so he saw it! He replied, "Hello Andrew" and then added him as a friend on FB! He doesn't even know the guy! He will never meet Andrew! I'm confused at why he would add him, especially if he doesn't want to date me anymore?

The only reason I can see why he would add him is to creep on me and see if Andy and me are romantically involved, which sometimes Andrew acts like it when he comments. The killer thing is that Andrew accepted the friend request! He knows that me and Daniel just broke up and that we're not talking, and that I'm heartbroken. I told him that stuff before he started calling me and texting me all the time.

Arg! What are they thinking? What reason was there to comment "Hello Daniel" and seem confrontational, and what reason for Daniel to add him as a friend, even though he'll NEVER meet him?!

*sigh*

liz28 · Apr 11, 2009, 11:08 AM

Leave them both alone because they sound coo-coo.

Move on and don't talk to your ex after Spring break-what is the reason behind that? You owe him nothing.

Don't worry Andrew, let his girlfriend do the worrying. It's good you didn't get involve with him because after all he has a girl.

Again, I must say both guys sound creepy.

Torrid13 · Apr 11, 2009, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

Leave them both alone because they sound coo-coo.

Move on and don't talk to your ex after Spring break-what is the reason behind that? You owe him nothing.

Don't worry Andrew, let his girlfriend do the worrying. It's good you didn't get involve with him because after all he has a girl.

Again, I must say both guys sound creepy.

I agree, they sound insane! :X I don't understand why someone who doesn't want to date me still... whatever. It doesn't matter.

When I say "talk" to him when I get back, I don't mean like go to eat or something and talk about meaningful things. I mean "Hello" & "Goodbye." I don't feel like I owe him anything, but I will see him around a lot because of my transferring of schools, which had been finalized while I was over for Spring Break. I guess I just want to keep it polite.

I guess I just feel bad about Andrew because his girlfriend doesn't know. I mean, I didn't do anything, but I feel bad for her.