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    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Oct 30, 2006, 08:10 PM
    I met this guy in one of my college classes 4 months ago. We went out a few times, and he’s been to my apartment several times to work on a class project. I’ve had a crush on him since I met him. We talk online all the time. I never let him know I liked him until I found out one night that he was attracted to me. He had told me that I looked nice the night we went out. I never thought that he was in to me, and was very excited to find that he liked me like that. Last Saturday, we went out drinking. He was all over me…or we were all over each other, and I took him home with me. I saw him again a few days later to do some school work. We ended up drinking at my place and having sex again. When I gave him a ride home from class on Friday night he was asking me what I was doing on Saturday. He seemed interested, so I tried to get a hold of him on Saturday and he blew me off. I wanted to see him very badly, and immediately started jumping to conclusions. I was confused…getting mixed signals. One weekend he wants me, the next weekend he wants nothing to do with me. I wonder if I gave it up too soon. I just thought we were both on the same page. I emailed him the next day (Sunday) telling him that I was confused by his mixed signals. He said that I was “freaking out.” And he also said, “I think it is safe to say that getting drunk and having sex once, more over twice, is out of character for me. For that I apologize if I am giving off the wrong signals.” Basically, what I got from that is…it was just a “fling.” I got him drunk and seduced him, and that he normally doesn’t do things like that. Well, I told him that I just need clarification, which he gave me. I saw him again tonight, because he had to borrow some books for the new semester. He seems like he still wants to be friends. I think I scared him away, but since he wants to be friends…I hope there is still a chance I could gain his interest again. I wish there was a manual on how to keep a guy interested and keep from scaring him away. Can anyone help? I still want this guy, probably because the rejection has possibly made me want him even more?

    He's talking to me again... online... so that's a good sign. I'm going to try not to make myself available all the time, and hopefully he'll become interested more.
    letmetellu's Avatar
    letmetellu Posts: 3,151, Reputation: 317
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    #2

    Oct 30, 2006, 10:09 PM
    In my opinion you gave it up to soon, he did not even have time to learn if there was anything he liked about you, if you had kept him waiting for a while he might have found something about you that he liked, and if you had not had sex with him so soon he would have had a reason to keep seeing you. Most guys are actually looking for someone to marry but they are not going to turn down a little sex, but when they do get the sex that easy they begin to wonder just who you are and how many times have you done this before and still he has not learned anything personal about you other than he can get sex when he wants it and still is free to go looking for a girl that he might have something in common with and that he might even like her enough to continue to date her with our the sex. I am an older person now and I married the girl that would not put out. I may have missed a lay or two but I married someone that I knew better than that she was just a good piece. We dated long enough to find out that we had lots of things in common. And a real love developed.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #3

    Oct 31, 2006, 01:25 AM
    Take it slow, be friends, get to know each other, go out and have fun for a while before having sex again!
    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    Oct 31, 2006, 03:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by letmetellu
    In my opinion you gave it up to soon, he did not even have time to learn if there was anything he liked about you, if you had kept him waiting for a while he might have found something about you that he liked, and if you had not had sex with him so soon he would have had a reason to keep seeing you. Most guys are actually looking for someone to marry but they are not going to turn down a little sex, but when they do get the sex that easy they begin to wonder just who you are and how many times have you done this before and still he has not learned anything personal about you other than he can get sex when he wants it and still is free to go looking for a girl that he might have something in common with and that he might even like her enough to continue to date her with our the sex. I am an older person now and I married the girl that would not put out. I may have missed a lay or two but I married someone that I knew better than that she was just a good piece. We dated long enough to find out that we had lots of things in common. And a real love developed.
    I understand what you're saying. But, I had known the guy and been talking to him for 4 months. And... I spoke with him online last night. I think you're right about everything else, but he seems like he's scared of a relationship (so I'm not sure you're right about the marriage part). He told me that everything is okay, he just felt like things moved so fast. It kind of freaked both of us out. I think now I will play my cards differently and give him some space. Let him come to me. He obviously still likes me, or he wouldn't still be talking to me. :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #5

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:02 AM
    I always thought that 4 months of dating was about fun and getting to know each other, but by getting him drunk and seducing him(his words) you accelerated the whole dating thing to a place he wasn't ready for and I think its unfair to say he isn't ready for a relationship since you've pretty much sped things to the next level. Slow this train way down.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #6

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:10 AM
    My husband's exact words Tal...
    When we starting dating he expressed how he liked the fact that I didn't jump in the sack with him immediately.
    He said that his previous girlfriends did that and basically all they had was sex based and nothing else, in fact lasted no longer than 6 - 8 months, while with me, he said he felt so comfortable and great having fun with me, doing the real dating, and he also said he wanted me more and more and more, because of not sleeping with him immediately ;)
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #7

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:17 AM
    Next time you date try having fun without drinking and it ending up with sex. I don't know what he is like, but he did say that was not like him. He is attracted to you, do not be too eager and keep doing things as you have been without him. Don't talk about a relationship, let it happen. 4 months is really not that long of a time to get to know someone. A relationship should have steps. The getting to know someone, the casual dating, the exclusive dating, then on to a more involved relationship. Sex takes a relationship to a different level whether one thinks so or not. When it is a casual act, one just to finish the night off as a cup of tea it will not have the same meaning it would have after knowing someone, dating and falling in love would have. I would suggest you put sex on the back burner for a while. What if you were to get pregnant by a man who is a casual friend? Do not say you are on the pill, there has been a few threads about women getting pregnant and being on the pill. It can and does happen.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #8

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:24 AM
    You always have to been in control... when we were dating we used to go out drinking, have great snogs and sexy dances together but didn't have sex at the end of the evening... that way you keep going back for more, that's how I see it! Keeps you on the edge.
    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #9

    Oct 31, 2006, 08:47 AM
    You are all right... and I didn't want to admit the truth... THAT I GAVE IT UP TOO SOON.

    Although, I do disagree about me being the blame as to why things got sped up to sex. It takes two to tango. We went out that night... he was all over me, we were both drunk and horny. One thing led to another. I gave it up too soon, and now I can't take it back. He's still talking to me, and I think that's a good thing. It's not just all about sex. We should've waited longer... and now I'm going to do what you all said (and what another friend told me). I will put the sex on the back burner, and pretend like it didn't happen. Now I need to prove to him that I am worth getting to know, and that I'm not just a sex toy. He knows that I thought it was more than "just sex." I told him that I had feelings, and that I really like him. It went too fast, and it's time to slow down. It would be a good idea to give him some space, so he can decide what he wants from me. Right?

    What do I do now?
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #10

    Oct 31, 2006, 06:46 PM
    Back off, not just when it comes to the sex but in the amount of time you spend together and talk with each other. Spend more time with yourself and your friends and less time with him. Let him miss you and wonder what you're up to. That may get him paying more attention to you.
    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Nov 1, 2006, 09:21 AM
    Right... absense makes the heart grow fonder.

    I really screwed up this time. I wrote a blog about my situation on myspace. Here it is...

    "I'll admit, after I left my daughter's dad I became somewhat wild. Being with the same person for almost 7 years was a long time for me, and I wasn't happy towards the end. I felt so FREE! I didn't have to answer to anyone, and it was great to be single! It's been 2 ½ years now, since I left. I'm finally starting to feel like this life style I've been living is not what I really want. I'm getting older, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm not really trying to meet anyone either. I've found that when I try to find someone, it never happens! So…I always live by the saying, “The best things in life come when you least expect them.” I think this is very true.

    Lately, I had been in a sexual relationship. It worked, and was nice for a while, because there was no commitment. It was convenient, but it's so empty. I've been trying to get away from it, but I like the sex. It's hard to get away from familiar territory, but I did it. Why? Because I met someone at school.

    I've had a crush on this guy that I met in one of my classes for about 4 months now. I never said anything, because I didn't think that he would be interested in me anyway. We ended up taking another class together, did a project together and began talking more. I started liking him more…I like talking to him. He always has interesting things to say…he's cute, smart, and funny. We went out a couple times to drink and play pool. One night he told me I looked nice. I thought that was great! I had no idea that he was attracted to me to say the least. I started flirting with him and hanging out with him more. We went out drinking again on a Saturday. There was a lot of kissing going on. I ended up taking him home with me, and one thing led to another. I didn't think about things moving too fast at the time, because I enjoyed being intimate with him. I figured it was more than just a fling, since we talk all the time and were seeing more of each other. I saw him again during the week…and we went a little too far again. Then I dropped him off at his house after class on Friday night. He seemed interested in what I had going on for Saturday, like he may want to get together or something. I tried to contact him on Saturday, and he acted like he didn't want anything to do with me. I really wanted to see him, and I felt like that he was blowing me off. I immediately start jumping to conclusions and acted like a fool (doesn't everyone act a little crazy at times from liking someone?). Even to the point of accusing him of possibly having a girlfriend or liking someone else. I was very confused! So, I emailed him to let him know I didn't know what to think about the mixed signals. We exchanged emails, and I gathered that I pretty much slept with him too soon…it caused things to go too fast…and I scared him away. That sucks! Because, what's done is done, and I can't take it back. I guess all I can do now is continue being his friend, back off and give him some space, and hopefully prove to him that I don't want to be thought of as a “sex toy.”


    He was talking to me online again, a little bit. I told him I thought he should read the blog. He did, and got angry that I had it posted for everyone to read, then he signed off and wouldn't talk to me. I didn't think he'd get mad about me posting how I felt... I have nothing to hide and wanted everyone to know that I was liking him. There were no names in it, so what's the big deal? I sent him a couple of emails, but he didn't respond. I just keep screwing up all over the place with this guy. I might as well give up now, before I end up making matters worse. I was drunk last night too, which didn't help with my decision making about what to say in the emails I sent him. He's probably gone for good now. :(
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #12

    Nov 1, 2006, 09:44 AM
    Sounds to me like you make some questionable decisions when your drunk. Leave him alone and work on your own issues.
    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Nov 1, 2006, 10:29 AM
    I agree. But I'm sure anyone can relate. Haven't you ever liked someone so much that you do crazy things out of liking them? I have before, years ago. I will leave him alone though. He was talking to me and messaging me again (after drama from the weekend). Then of course I screwed that up... and some time apart will probably do us both some good. If he really likes me, he'll come back around. I'm not going to keep pursuing him, because it's not getting me anywhere. Thanks for you advice.
    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #14

    Nov 1, 2006, 01:28 PM
    I just wanted to give everyone an update. He contacted me today... surprisingly. We talked, and he said that he wasn't happy about me posting my business (and his) on the website like I did, because he's a private person. I took it down earlier today and sent him an email trying to explain myself. That's another thing. He also told me that he's trying to figure things out too, and that the emails and text messages are not helping matters. I'm not usually like that, but I am putting a stop to it now, before I scare him off for good. No more drama. He wants "slow and steady" so that's what he's going to get. I'm going to just sit back and shut up (bc I seem to say the wrong things anyway)... and let him come to me. He seems willing to give me another chance and I am thrilled! Wish me luck!
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #15

    Nov 1, 2006, 03:19 PM
    I don't blame him for being angry you posted that on the internet. I would be too and I'm not a private person. I just don't think it is appropriate at all.

    Learn a lesson here. He has told you what others already have. No contact is your best weapon here.

    You are pushing him away with all the texts, calls, blogs etc. They don't work. Leave him be. Give him space.

    How about this? NO CONTACT. He isn't going anywhere and if he does well you can't control that anyway.

    You've stuffed up a few times here through poor decision making. So how about your next decision be a good one. Pull back and leave him alone. When he is ready he will call you.

    In the mean time keep yourself busy doing other things. Have fun and concentrate on your school!
    CheryBombGirl's Avatar
    CheryBombGirl Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #16

    Nov 1, 2006, 05:53 PM
    Skell, I agree with you. I suppose I was trying to get his attention, find out how he feels about me. I went about it the wrong way. And I know I've been pushing him away by the emails, blogs, and everything... that's why I am putting a stop to it now. He contacted me today seemingly willing to stick around if I can get myself under control. I will not be contacting him, if he likes me then he will be wanting to talk to me sooner or later. If not, oh well. There's not much I can do... can't MAKE someone like me. All I can do is (like you said) back off, give him space, and wait for him to make a move. In the meantime I will go about my business and concentrate on my daughter and school. It's hard, because I think about him all the time... but I know I can be strong and keep myself from contacting him.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #17

    Nov 1, 2006, 06:47 PM
    That's true. You can never make someone like you. Never.

    You need to have a life other then him to. Don't just hang around waiting for his call. Be busy. Do other things. You can't just hang your hat on him in the expectation that once you stop contacting him he will want you. Doesn't always work that way either.

    And if he does decide to pursue you then you need to make sure there is balance. Go slow with him. Have fun. Don't see each other every day. You need to have a life outside of him. Trust me, if you smother him then he will run just as quick as he came.

    You don't have to say yes t him all the time. You can be unavailable. Do things with other people.

    And yes, concentrating on your daughter would be a great idea too!

    Please keep us posted.
    saabatical's Avatar
    saabatical Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jun 16, 2007, 12:00 PM
    This might sound somewhat old fashioned, but, don't give it up so soon. It is difficult to hold out. If you want long term, wait. I was a one night stand. Until my wonderful wife made me wait. Not until marriage, but pretty close. She knew I was in it for the long haul before I got some. 18 years later... still good.
    It's been awhile since you posted that question, so I'm curious. Did it work?

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