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dudebroguy · Dec 17, 2012, 05:02 PM

Ok let me begin with this: I am not the type of friend who's vying for his buddy's attention just because he has a girlfriend. I have painfully sat back and watch this situation unfold over the months, but now I'm concerned it might become detrimental to his future.

My buddy is in his early 20's and his girlfriend is still 19. They have been together for probably 8 months, officially for 4. At first I just assumed their clingyness and idiocy was just the honey moon stage, however things progressively got worse beyond him carrying her purse and bringing her everywhere (including bro's night).

The following things took place in the past 3 months:

He forced her to quit her job so that she can be with him all the time (she lives in the main city, he lives in the suburbs 45 mins out)
He will not allow her to take a job that's not in his city
He has dropped out of school for the 2nd time to prevent "drifting apart"
She also dropped out of school for the same reason
They almost had a kid but ended up not having one. Now she's afraid she's infertile and wants to try and get pregnant. My buddy says he supports that
To follow up with previous point, he still lives at home and earns minimum wage and needs to pay off thousands fine and accidents
He has become obsessive and unaware of his actions

I've never seen him like this. I would go as far to say he is like my brother since I don't have family where we're at. Ultimately it's his life and you can't help someone who won't help themselves. But seriously, should I say something?

odinn7 · Dec 17, 2012, 05:15 PM

Saying something to him will not work. He is caught up in her and there is nothing that you or anyone can say that will make him see anything wrong with what he is doing. In fact, saying something to him is likely going to drive a wedge between you two. You just need to sit back and let him make his mistakes on his own.

dontknownuthin · Dec 17, 2012, 05:22 PM

I don't think it will work to tell him what you think but I think you can ask him questions, and show an interest. For example,

"So, you guys have been talking about having a baby? I was surprised because I always saw you as a guy who would want to do things in order - you know, marriage, get a dog, buy a house and then have kids when you have a good job and everything. I don't want to butt in but I'm a little worried what you'll do if she gets pregnant and you then realize you can't afford it...have you thought about that?"

In other words, I guess you can ask questions and be someone he can talk to. You have to resist telling him what to do and really hold back, but maybe in time he'll come to some of these realizations on his own.

If they are that stuck together too, they will probably break up. One of them is going to find it suffocating.

fredg · Dec 17, 2012, 05:25 PM

Your friend and his girlfriend seem very, very close. You are right; you can't help someone who doesn't want help. I am afraid you are "stuck" with this situation. He should be much more of a person who accepts responsibility and pays off his debts before he gets so serious about someone. If he has to live at home, how in the world will he support a wife, maybe, and even if he lets her work? I, too, think he has a problem on his hands, but there really isn't much you can do. I do with you, and him, the best.