Im 21 and my (ex?) boyfriend is 22. We're seniors in college.

I got brutally raped by a stranger almost 2 years ago. No, Im not making that up I wish I was. Getting better and worse is an ebb and flow process, but for the past 2 months for some reason I have gotten worse about it, meaning Ive been triggered more (I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I ended up caving in and finally got medication about 6 weeks ago and oddly enough the past 2 weeks I actually have been feeling better and have not been triggered as much.

2 nights ago I did get triggered I guess and I was still awake at 3am. I took 16 pills of this one med and I think a few others. I don't know why I did it- that was the first time Ive ever done it it. I was trying to "numb" myself. It didn't give me a good effect though. I just felt out of it and like everything was a dream but very wired at the same time. I started texting/calling my best friend and boyfriend non stop starting at 6am over stupid little stuff. My boyfriend got pissed off because I woke him up early and he doesn't get enough sleep as it is, and after a few hours of me calling said “its over, find someone else to spam their cell phone”. I went over to talk to him at his house 10 minutes from my dorm…and when we fought he was rude (not out of the ordinary rude though) and I somehow ended up slapping him twice. I didn't hit him hard but Ive never hit anybody before! He had to leave to take a test, and I followed him there talking and yelling at him for about 10 minutes like a friggin moron. He was trying to get away from me. I had bought alcohol a week before for a party and left it at his house, I took it before I left his house and before he walked away from me when I asked him if he actually did want it he grabbed it and said "I dont want you to drink that"

I can't believe I hit him. I love him so much. I told him while I was being an idiot towards the end that I actually have loved him for awhile but couldn't make myself say it. I thought since we were broken up I should be honest. But keep in mind, I've never said this to a guy before, this is so pathetic that's how I said I love you for the first time. He said “well why didn’t you say it before” or something like that, but acted cold towards me. I know u will say there will be other boys but I felt like he was the one. We have been together 8 months, officially for 4. He waited for me when I studied abroad in another country and stuff too.

I sent texts to my boyfriend after he ran off to take his test admitting I overdosed (I couldn't say it to his face) and that I really do love him and Im sorry and to call later. He texted twice 2 hrs. The first said "I was taking my test couldnt answer but I don’t want to talk today cause you struck me" The second "you better learn how to throw up, drink salt water" He also called 3x, and then left a voicemail ater the last call saying the same thing basically he said in his texts. But, he said “I don’t want to talk to you today” and then mumbled the word "anymore" right after that sentence…so I don’t know. I didn't respond to his calls actually because this is when I was starting to feel not feel out of it anymore but really sick and lightheaded.

I ended up throwing up (a small amount) of blood and my friend took me to the ER. When I was there, she had my stuff and I found out once I got home that about an hour after we got there she texted him on my phone saying "It's *name* shes in the ER because she was throwing up blood"

I got home late that night and he never responded, maybe he saw my text pop up from me and deleted it without reading or maybe he did read it, I don't know, but he said he didn't want to talk to me that "day"

I feel crazy right now. Im in shock I even did this yesterday and Im wondering how I got this bad. Im mortified by how I acted. His roommates saw some stuff so even if we stayed together I would be so uncomfortable going to his house now. I don't know if we're together. He broke up with me technically but he said "I dont want to talk to you today" but in his voicemail said that followed by a mumbled "anymore" afterwards. I don't know where we stand. Does he just need to blow off steam and cool down? Of course I want to make it work, explain myself and that I will never try to do pills again, but I feel like it will never be the same? And if we can get through this. If we break up, I am going to be devastated and most heartbroken Ive ever been, because this is the first guy Ive loved. Now, he has more exams today and I have a bunch tomorrow... I was thinking of not trying to talk to him today (I need to catch up anyway) or tomorrow but on Friday trying to? Or should I let him contact me?

Firstly if you have a councillor ring them... today.

Even though you realise what you did you still need to ring them,I urge you.

The second is do not ring or contact him.. not yet anyway...

You have been through a very tramatic experience and still recovering,today,right now you need to focus on you,your recovery is number one on your list,everything else will will pale unless you focus on this...

Leave your boyfriend alone for now,deal with one thing at a time.. there will be time for an explanation later.