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    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #1

    Dec 21, 2005, 05:48 AM
    Am I protecting myself...
    So OK - a while back I posted a thread telling you about how I cried tears of happiness for the first time and how I was falling in love with Pete.

    I had began opening up to Pete and opening my heart up - but now I feel really vulnerable and feel uncomfortable exposing myself - but I don't understand why?

    I think it's probably because I am fearful that It will all end and I will get hurt - but I have no reason to believe this will happen (although no one knows what the future holds) although I am a bit weary of his parents as they do hold a lot of control over him.

    My ex (who I was with for 2yrs) had controlling parents and they interfered all the time.

    Do you think that is why I am being so reserved??
    nymphetamine's Avatar
    nymphetamine Posts: 900, Reputation: 109
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    #2

    Dec 21, 2005, 06:27 PM
    Perhaps you are right. How controlling are his parents? Id tell them to take a hike but that's easier said than done of course. You need to take a vacation together like to somewhere warm and not cold like it is here. Brrrrr! I have a little parent control issue too. My parents are never happy with anyone I show interest in not even if he's a saint. They always tell me stuff like if you marry him or date him we will disown you. I feel like Ill end up married to some jerk wod who my parents picked out for me who they think is perfect just because he goes to church just so they don't disown me. I think you'll be fine. Just sit down and talk with your man about how you feel.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #3

    Dec 21, 2005, 06:37 PM
    Welcome to love
    Welcome to the wonderful world of love. We have to open ourself up to each other. If we do, we can find trust and love in such wonderful ways. But it really needs to be a two way street also.

    And yes after one or several bad relationships we have more trouble and feel a little harder to open up.

    As for a controlling mother, they can only be contorling if someone lets them. They can commet, complain all they want, but if their child ignores them and supports their spouse then they have no power.

    Never blame the parent, blame the child for listening to and allowing it to interfere.

    If a parent bothers a new couple, just break contact with them if you have to. Your ties are to each other, once you are a couple ( esp a married couple)
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #4

    Dec 22, 2005, 02:57 AM
    I think I am just worried - because my last relationship went so horribly wrong and I am not going to allow myself to end up in that position again.

    But even so - if I hear his name mentioned or I get a text from him - my face always lights up and I cannot stop smiling.

    Should I just stop worrying and let myself go - I guess that is what love & life is all about taking risks? - if we didn't then we would not get anywhere.
    Tony2005's Avatar
    Tony2005 Posts: 60, Reputation: 5
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    #5

    Dec 22, 2005, 10:47 AM
    Sounds familiar ! Hmmmm, oh yes, I am also protecting myself in the same manner. Well, a few years back I got along with a girl with whom I was pretty serious about. Only after a year of relationship, I came to know that she has two other boyfriends. I was shattered and couldn't take this blow any more. So I decided not to be emotionally attached with somebody. It took me two years to get over the depression. After that incident, I have no girlfriend and I just enjoy my freedom and peace. Of course I do sometimes feel lonely and depressed but I think its better than being betrayed by somebody you love and trust.
    You are right, loving somebody is not always about being able to protect oneself. Sometimes we do get a tight slap for trusting and loving people. Some people stop then and there and some people have the courage to move on.
    mikestorm's Avatar
    mikestorm Posts: 23, Reputation: 3
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    #6

    Dec 22, 2005, 04:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Taken From an Anonymous Poem
    The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.
    If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
    It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
    Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have
    and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,
    special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time
    waits for no one.

    So, stop waiting

    There is no better time than RIGHT NOW to be happy.

    Happiness is a JOURNEY, not a destination.

    So -- work like you don't need money,
    Love like you've never been hurt,
    And dance like no one's watching.
    Tony brings up a good point. I can't remember the last time I felt for a girl like you are now feeling for Pete.

    My last girlfriend once accused me of not depending on anyone (including herself), emotionally or physically. I mulled on that one for a bit and concluded she was right. I didn't think it was a problem until we broke up (exclusive for over two years) and it was barely a blip on my emotional radar.

    When I was much younger (late teens / early twenties) I got hurt - hard. As painful as that was, I felt I was much more in love back then too. Much more "in" to whatever relationship I was engaged in.

    In retrospect, I truly miss that. You, on the other hand, have a chance at one hell of a great relationship and are a bit concerned about the negative side of completely giving yourself to another person; the vulerability aspect.

    I don't doubt it will hurt tremendously if you break up, and could even give you an ulcer and drive him crazy in the process while you're in the relationship if in your opinion he doesn't reciprocate in giving himself to you.

    However, I say the hell with all that. I'd kill to meet a girl that makes my face light up at the mere mention of her name, risks be damned.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #7

    Dec 22, 2005, 07:30 PM
    Yes, I do believe that your reserved because of the parents. I think I told you a little bit about my wife and her family and it came to really close causing us to break up and even not getting married. The family is messed up big time and they interfere a lot and of course my wife tends to go back to the abuse over and over again even with all the stress and tension it causes us and it hurts lots and It does get tiring. It does take a lot of work,but then again no one ever said love was easy, but if you do not open up to the one you love and show your true self. Your relationship will not grow. That is the risk we all take in love. I think that is the best thing to do, no matter what the future may hold is to completely open yourself up and let somebody in and enjoy the time that you do have together and give it your all no matter what. Enjoy every moment, smile with every message and continue being happy.

    Joe
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,884, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Dec 22, 2005, 07:31 PM
    Dj"h"
    Being worried is natural as you've already known the pain of broken relationships.Its also natural to want to protect ones self from any future pain.But in real life anything worth keeping is worth taking a risk.Unless you just act a zip d****n fool you never know what's for you.If you don't go for what you want you'll never get it.I doubt you're a 15 year old who doesn't have clue about anything so using your wisdom and experience for guidance I say go for it!Go for what you want.Good luck!:cool: :)
    PrettyLady's Avatar
    PrettyLady Posts: 2,765, Reputation: 332
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    #9

    Dec 23, 2005, 12:45 AM
    DJ, I know how you feel. I was in a long term relationship with a guy and things were great in the beginning. But then he started getting jealous when guys looked at me or hit on me. He would blamed me and say that it was my fault that guys can't stop looking at me. So he became DECISIVE and told me to wear clothes that covered my body when I'm out with my friends. I'm very feminine, I love wearing fashionable clothes and high heel shoes, but I did what he asked. However, it didn't stop guys from hitting on me. Then we started getting in heated arguments and he became abusive. He would force himself on me and slap me sometimes, I felt helpless, therefore, I put up with it for a while. The last straw was when we were at my girlfriend's fashion, she asked me to model in her show and I greed to do it. But he thought the clothes my girlfriend wanted me to model was revealing, however, he knew better not to cause a seen at the fashion show. He waited until we were alone then started yelling at me, so I told him to go f*** himself then he slapped me so hard, I fell to the floor. I had enough and I told him that it was over between us and walked away from him. After that I avoided getting in relationships with guys.

    Then 8 months later, I went to Manhattan, NY to give a friend some paperwork and I saw this guy looking at me. He had dark blonde hair and blue eyes and he had on a shirt and tie, then I realized that he worked in the office of the same building I was attending. He waited until I was done talking to my friend and introduced himself to me. We exchanged phone numbers and we started seeing each other. However, I was still reluctant about being in another relationship, so I bottled up my feelings and wouldn't let Jason get too close. So he told me to tune into this radio station when I go to work. The next day I was at work listening to the radio, and I heard the DJ announce a dedication to me from Jason, the song was Mister Mister's "Broken Wings". The song really got to me, so I called Jason and told him that I would like to see him. I decided that it was time let go of the past and open myself to a new experience with Jason. We've now been dating for 7 months, I don't know what the future holds for us, but we I live in the moment and enjoy life.


    In our path of life, we are always faced with obstacles, but we can over come them. Only you know how you really feel about Pete. For now, live in the moment and try not to let the past interfere in your present relationship. If you can separate the two, you will feel more confident.
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #10

    Dec 23, 2005, 01:28 AM
    DJ, Do you think your instincts may be trying to tell you something. Generally speaking, it's probably not the best idea to get seriously involved with a guy who's parents are such an extreme influence in his life. That he see's them a lot or goes to them occasionally for advice might be okay, but to let them control his life at his age? It would probably send me running. I would feel much more comfortable knowing that he is his own person, a grown, mature man who doesn't need to mimick daddy and has long since cut mommy's apron strings. I need to know that this man and I can actually fall in love and live our lives without his parents getting in the middle, ever...
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #11

    Dec 23, 2005, 05:19 AM
    Thank you all so much for the advice.

    I am in love with Pete (totally) and although his family work in ways that mine do not - he is resisting. I did mention something to him about it and his reply was "I don't care what they think" - I had not seen him for a few days until last night (because I have been Djing - busy time of year) and you could see how much he had missed me and how much I had missed him.

    I have had such a stressful week and have been really down - but Pete instantly made me feel so relaxed and warm inside - I just did not want to let go of him last night.

    He does with out a doubt have my heart and I know deep within me that I need to take a risk in order to be happy. I have eliminated most of the paranoid voices in my head. I just have one more to get rid of.
    I want to enjoy my time with Pete and hope that we will still be together in years to come - but it's time for me to be strong, take a deep breath, open the door and let him in.

    Stll scarey though :rolleyes:
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,884, Reputation: 10852
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    #12

    Dec 23, 2005, 05:48 AM
    D-
    One day at a time!Just like we tell the kids here all the time.Take your time and enjoy and savor, sounds like you got something good happening to you.:cool:
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
    Ultra Member
     
    #13

    Dec 23, 2005, 06:10 AM
    Thank you - your word are very comforting.

    I will enjoy & savor each day that I have with him. I have done so far and I really miss him when he is not there.

    He really does make me happy!
    PrettyLady's Avatar
    PrettyLady Posts: 2,765, Reputation: 332
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    #14

    Dec 24, 2005, 03:06 AM
    DJ, I'm glad to see that you have a positive out come on your relationship. As long as the lines of communication remain open, your relationship with Pete will flourish. Yes, I think it's a good idea to let him in, my boyfriend got to me through a song, and it worked. I wish you and Pete everlasting love.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,929, Reputation: 674
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    #15

    Dec 24, 2005, 06:54 AM
    Revealing too much
    Hi,
    It's called love, trust, and understanding.
    The more you reveal to someone, the more they know you care, and love them.
    If you are uncomfortable with telling him all about yourself, then don't. Wait awhile and see what happens.
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #16

    Dec 27, 2005, 12:25 PM
    Thanks guys - thanks Fredge - good to have you back :)
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 760
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    #17

    Dec 27, 2005, 05:31 PM
    I'm not sure that I can answer the "why" part of your question. The best advice I can give you is to simply tell you NOT to be afraid and not to hold back. Sure, there are certain risks involved just as there are certain risks involved with any big venture in life, whether it be a love interest, a career move, buying a new home, etc. There are certainly no guarantees in life and I can't promise you that if you take my advice that all will end "happily ever after" with you and Pete. I can pretty much bet, however, that if you DON'T take my advice then things will not turn out the way you want them to. You've got to be willing to take the plunge and risk it all. Remember the old proverb: "A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for." Well, you're that ship. You weren't meant to stay safe in port your whole life and never venture out. Now, as for his mother, first of all, make sure that you're not over-exaggerating his mother's degree of control over him. It's been my experience that parents don't necessarily exert as big an influence as it may appear. Sometimes parents are a conveinient scapegoat or cop-out for one's significant other to hide behind. Does Pete live with his mother? Are there any fundamental issues on which you and she have decidedly different opinions (such as whether or when to have children)? If not, then I wouldn't worry too much about his mother. Just remember, don't hold back and don't be afraid. Give it your all-in-all.

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