Ok, so I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and 1 month now. I love him to death, everything about our relationship is awesome except one aspect: MONEY. Let me start by saying that I am and have always been a very independent woman and never been needy as far as material things, I have never asked my boyfriend to buy me anything when we go to the store, take me shopping, etc. Nor do I expect a man to "save" me by any means. However things changed when we got our own place together.

He makes MORE THAN DOUBLE what I make on a weekly basis and rent, groceries, household items, etc are split 50/50. The only extra expense that he pays is the electric and cable but I still cannot help but feel hurt at the end of the month when I don't have any money to spend on myself because I struggle with even my basic essentials and he has all this money to blow. Well it finally really got to me last April when it was my birthday.. He asked what I wanted to do. I told me I really wanted to go to this amusement park that was a couple hours away from where we live so we agreed and went the weekend.

Well to my surprise, when we got to the amusement park, I had to pay for my own ticket in ON my birthday (which, I thought, would be my b-day present.. (duh)... Granted he drove and got the hotel but any expenses while we were there, i.e..,. If I wanted a bottle of water he never offered to pay. If we go out to eat, we split the bill. If we go to a comedy show, I have to pay my own way. Now.. I can't help but feel a little hurt. He tells me stories of girlfriends in the past that he's bought cars for, taken on trips, paid for car repairs etc.

This really bothers me because I feel like he doesn't do those things for me. I don't know if I'm old fashioned in the sense that I think a MAN should treat their woman like a queen and want to do nice things for her i.e. take her out to dinner once in a while and cover the bill or offer to do things for me if he sees that I am struggling and he is sitting comfortable. I know he has mentioned that in his last relationship he "wasted" so much money on the girl because it ended up not going anywhere and they broke up. However I do not feel it is fair to treat me the way he does. If I had the extra money to spend, and he didn't I would WANT TO treat him. If I could, believe me, I would.

I don't know how to bring this up without it becoming an argument or coming off like I need him to "take care of me" because I Don't, it would just be nice and make me feel better to see that he cares enough about me to see me sitting comfortable like he is. Am I overreacting? I have girlfriends that tell me that I am crazy for putting up with it and their boyfriends pay for everything of theirs (shopping money, nails, groceries, dinners out, entertainment, etc... ) I'm not even wanting that. I do not expect him to pay for everything of mine but it just hurts and makes me feel unappreciated.

My question is: Is it right of me to feel the way I do or am I overreacting? How do I go about talking to my boyfriend about these issues without it becoming an argument and sounding "needy"? Just a note: in the beginning of the relationship (first 3-4 months) he wasn't like this at all... Any info would help, especially from a male perspective. Thanks!


Edited/T

I am old fashion too and I think that if you have a girlfriend you should treat her like your princess. I pay for all the dates, she of course offers to pay which is really nice and I appreciate that but I always insist on paying. The thing with your relationship is you two have a 50/50 split everything down the middle understanding. Tho it is really nice for the guy to pay and I feel it means a lot, he does not have to pay for things. From what you said he makes more then double you make, but does he know that you are having money troubles, when it comes to doing extravagant things? If he does and does not offer to pay and expects you to pay for things, when he knows its hard on you. Hes just being inconsiderate and you need to talk to him about it in more detail and address these issues to him so he knows. If he continues maybe think about finding someone who treats you like the princess you deserve to be treated as.

Like most women today you value your independence. Could you perhaps have given this impression to your guy so strongly that he thinks you might be offended if he paid more?

When it comes to the fact that you are struggling on a regular basis with the bills you need to have a proper chat with him. He probably doesn't realise it is so difficult for you. When it comes to chores, if you are struggling and he has his feet up I think you need to ask for help.

Treats are a bit more difficult because it can feel a bit tacky to ask for material things. Perhaps next time he asks you what you want to do you could just admit you are short of cash and say he can treat you if he wants or you can do something which costs little or nothing. His choice then.

I also wonder if you aren't paying the price for his former girlfriend that he 'wasted' his money on. Perhaps you need to mention this, and admit that you don't feel special because he tells you that he did all these things in the past but doesn't show his appreciation of you. You can sweeten the pill, and be less materialistic, by pointing out that nice things don't have to cost money. A foot rub. Some wild flowers he has picked himself. Maybe make a few suggestions then see if he can get the idea and come up with some of his own. And of course if you want him to treat you like a princess then be willing to treat him like a prince sometimes. Like I say there are lots of ways to make someone feel special without spending money. A batch of home baking generally goes down well for example.

I do find the more men feel appreciated the more they want to do for us. So do make sure you are gracious about the things he does do that you like, and appreciate any gifts or services he freely offers, even if he misses the mark a bit sometimes.

I agree with QLP.

It sounds to me like there is a conversation in order. He will never know until you tell him. Communication is key to a healthy relationship. If you come across as independent as you say you are then maybe he got that same idea. Without properly discussing this with him things aren't going to get better.

There is nothing we can do from here. This is a conversation you should have with your man. As a couple, at some point you need discuss sharing. Granted some men are into the this is my money, you have your own. But, some are not :)

My money is my wife's money and her money is mine. It comes down to how serious this relationship is and the future you BOTH see in it.

You are boyfriend and girlfriend. This isn't a marriage, and you shouldn't be expecting the benefits of being married where everything is shared together for the benefit of both.

Clearly you knew when you moved in with him, that things would be split 50/50- it is an arrangement, not a life long commitment. He maintains his independence, you maintain your independence. You can split at any time, and neither one is financially obligated to the other to split bank accounts, investments, etc. He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing, you are boyfriend/girlfriend living together, that's it. It doesn't matter how much money he makes, or how much money you don't make.

I don't hear you talking about marriage, saving for the future together, having common long term goals.

You mentioned that he laments about how much money he has wasted on other women he has been involved with. Further that if he can spend money on past women, he should be spending more on you. I think he's likely gone in the opposite direction with his money after 'wasting' so much of it, with no return when the other relationships ended I don't think his decisions with his money are unreasonable- it's his money.

He can get what he wants from you, knowing that you earn 1/3 of what he does; he maintains his lifestyle, income, and independence, without the commitment of marriage. I'd say he's got it good wouldn't you?

I do think it was very inconsiderate of him not to pay your ticket to the amusement park on your birthday. Did you ask him why he thought it was appropriate for him to expect you to pay for your own birthday present?

If the relationship isn't going to end up with a firm future ahead, you need to consider if you can afford to keep up under the circumstances you are in now. If you are struggling to pay the rent and 1/2 of all the expenses, and you both maintain this arrangement, It may be time to change your own circumstances.

But, as his room mate, you could be his best buddy from high school, and that person would also be expected to pay half of all expenses, so why shouldn't you.

Thank you... everyone's answers were helpful. I guess everyone has their own ideas of what is expected when it comes to money, relationships and the role of a man or woman. I really wish it wasn't as big of a deal to me as it is.. I think that maybe a big part of my problem is that my boyfriend doesn't see how much I struggle because I tend to hide those kinds of things... I do want to mention one thing:

Coincidently, last night BEFORE I could even bring anything up and after I posted this, he had mentioned that we should have a "joint" account where we put in the same amount of money in each week and use that money to go out on the weekends. He also said that he feels like he feels like he doesn't want to go anywhere or take any trips with me because he feels like he has to pay for everything... well needless to say, we got in a huge argument over it.. I ended up saying some not to nice things about how I feel like he's the stingiest person I've ever been with and he said that I was... when I told him things are not 50/50 because he makes significantly more than I do and that I never ask him and never have asked him to do ANYTHING for me financially, he simply stated that his income wasn't any of my business and "thats why i returned the gift i got you on our anniversary"... for the first time in our relationship I am having serious doubts because as much as we might not want to admit it, money IS an issue. I do not feel I can be with a man long term if he cannot understand what I am going through. I'm at a crossroads... who's being selfish here? Just me? Or both of us?

There is clearly a lot of tension on both sides regarding the money situation. He must have had a lot of negative feelings on this to buy you an anniversary gift and then decide to return it.

I think before you can make a decision on the relationship you need a calm, serious talk. You need to know how he sees the relationship, if he considers you have a future together, and how the financial aspects fit into all of this. I know it's one of those conversations that one or both of you might feel uncomfortable with. But you have been together over a year, you live together, I assume you are intimate together, and your finances are tied up in this. You need to know where you stand if you are going to make a decision.

Did you know how much it was going to cost living together? He might feel that if you did and couldn't afford it you were assuming he would pay the lions share and he may resent that assuption. Does he know how much you earn? Has he just assumed you could pay your way?

If you two went into this with your eyes half closed because you didn't discuss all these things thouroughly in advance then that could be why you have so many problems now. The only way forward is to honestly discuss the whole picture now.

One solution, financially, might be to find a smaller place to live where you can afford your share. But is this what you want? How does that fit into how you both view the relationship?

You had such an opportunity last night but sadly missed it. When he brought up the joint account suggestion I bet you felt all defensive about yet something else you couldn't afford, and hence the argument. Time to stop hiding your difficulties from him. A better response would have been to say, 'I hear what you are saying but we need to talk more about this because I am having difficulties already with money.'

Whether he instigates the next chat or you do, you need to open up, be honest, and share what you both need to know.

If you don't know how to open up to him perhaps you could let him read this thread. Tell him there's things you don't know how to explain to him and ask him to read it and tell you what he thinks.

Thank you QLP, that is excellent advice...

The only thing you can expect in a relationship is being able to resolve any issue through honest communications. Assuming and presuming leads to nothing but misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and anger and resentments.

50/50 was the deal to begin with, but inviting you out for your birthday should have been totally his treat, and I would have been out of their at the first hint it was not. But I suspect you have been going along to get along for sometime now, and carried this independence a bit to far, as in a relationship, there has to be a mutual agreement for what's acceptable behavior, and if you share a bed, you darn sure should be able to share your thoughts and feelings, especially if he makes more than double than you do.

50/50 is great for room mates, but not sex partners. Your being independent got you a raw deal that will be complicated to redo. Great for the ego, but not for real business. Now what do you do?

His idea for a shared account for dates is a good one, yet unfair still. Now an account where you contribute to an account for the rent and expenses, based on a percentage of income would be better, don't you think? Heck you are already to broke now just with your share of the rent to spend on yourself, so what good is getting even broker for dating money. Do the math, you lose!

Much better to have a few bucks after expenses, to date shop or whatever than be broke and unappreciated, and if he cannot see that, then find a way to manage all your money without him. Doesn't matter at all he has resentments to spending so much money in his other, failed relationship, he should have gotten over it, and not be a boob and take it out on you. That's not fair either.

He either wants a happy, healthy, adult relationship or not. So you speak up, work together, or leave.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable.

While a couple splitting rent 50/50 is fair on paper, it's unreasonable in the human world and tells me that he has neither social intellect, nor respect for you. The breadwinner should always pay more, that's why there's differing tax brackets. As a man, if the roles were reversed and he were making half your salary, I would expect him to pay at least half, because that's what a gentleman does.

Making you pay for anything on your birthday is ridiculous.

Splitting the bill is weird between boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't even do that with my guy friends. I buy for them all, or they buy for me.

My piece hath been spoken.

Talk to him. Honestly.

$ issues can ruin relationships if you aren't careful.

Its more about responsibility. Sharing. Respect. The foundations. As equals. Making sure our partner is happy. Not slacking.
The give and take. As a couple. Communication. Working through things.

Is he as into it as you?

Find out.

What? He is not stingy as he blows money on himself,if he is stingy he would never do it, and being stingy is uncured disease ,but what he is doing is even worse.he knows what he did, after the park's thing ,if I were you I would say Goodbye immediately,why would I stand a man like this if am so independent at least I got to choose aman who spoils me.
Look maybe cause am an Arab I see it differently as men are responsible for all finance here,but my fiancé is European and I was so direct with him from the beginning, and he is cool with being in charge of all.. so I think it depends on the man himself not which culture background he comes from.
Let me summarize all for u
( if one day you got sick or fired from work) make sure he will not be there for you, That's the point