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    vw_krazy's Avatar
    vw_krazy Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 5, 2009, 01:08 PM
    Am I making everything way to complicated?
    So, this has been bothering me for months now and I really feel bad for my Girlfriend.

    This might be long so I apologize in advance. Unfortunately very few of my close friends have had intimate, long-lasting relationships so they are unable to help me. It has been bothering me so much I've thought about going to a therapist. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years. I can honestly say I love her. Two summers ago, we broke up, and ended up getting back together about 8 months later. During that time I hooked up with two other girls and she hooked up with two other guys. I was devastated when she told me (when we got back together) about the 2 guys. Although I was intimate with those 2 other girls (whom I had spoken to and gone out with before hand), I always felt extremely guilty, like I was doing something wrong. She told me she deeply regretted being with those guys, but constantly says "but we were broken up". I can understand 100% what she is saying, but she kissed the guys and didn't even know who they were. Now that I feel things are "rocky" I am afraid to take a break or break up for a little while, because of the person she is when we are not together. She has never been unfaithful, but I think "who" someone is outside of a relationship is just as important as who they are in a relationship. I don't know if she would act the same, and she says she would never (she cried a lot about it), and I know this may seem extremely hypocritical, but I never thought she'd just fool around with 2 random guys.

    Next problem. She used to have pretty bad anxiety issues. Ever since we started dating I had to struggle sometimes to deal with her anxiety. In hindsight, I realize that it was not healthy for our relationship. I put a lot of effort into giving her attention and caring for her (which was reciprocated) but I feel like I was her "caregiver" rather than her partner. She is 2 years younger than me, and I guess that only adds to this issue. I have trouble now realizing if she is the one who is "clingy" or if I am the one who is "distant" because of how much her anxiety drained me. She has been on medication and is fine now, but I feel like sometimes I want someone who is more independent and mature. Therefore, she is constantly complaining that I do not show her I care enough. I feel like if we break up, she will take it so badly that her anxiety might come back, and she might start doing poorly in school.

    Last issue. She was a virgin up until months ago, and I was her first. This was a very important thing for her, and I feel so bad being this intimate with her, telling her that is is very special for me, when many times I don't feel like it is. I do not want to keep having sex if we are just going to end up breaking up.

    I often contemplate breaking up with her, but many times I feel very happy. I love her with all I have, and I have put her before me many times before. I'm not sure if I love her in a way that is right for a relationship anymore. Every time I imagine myself without her I think that breaking up is a horrible idea. But I cannot deny that the "spark" is gone, at least for me. On top of that it would absolutely kill me, if I knew she was with someone else. I know I am going to hear many answers I already know, but I guess I have to hear them from someone else. We are kind of the "it" couple in our area, our families know each other, and we now have close ties with each others' friends. This all just adds to my hesitation.
    snow124's Avatar
    snow124 Posts: 116, Reputation: 28
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Apr 5, 2009, 01:37 PM
    It's none of your business what she did when you were broken up. You're saying you're still upset that she was with two guys two years ago (she didn't have sex with them as you also said she was a virgin until a few months ago), yet you had sex with two girls during the same time span and it's okay?

    And you're worried that if you string her along and initiate a "break" she'll do what she has every right to do if she's not with you?

    So, you're upset this girl won't bend over backwards and restrict her actions when you're not even willing to be with her?

    Break up with her, you're doing both her and yourself a disservice by continuing things.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,532, Reputation: 5430
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #3

    Apr 5, 2009, 01:47 PM

    I totally agree with snow. You owe it to this girl and yourself to make a clean break.
    vw_krazy's Avatar
    vw_krazy Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Apr 5, 2009, 02:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by snow124 View Post
    It's none of your business what she did when you were broken up. You're saying you're still upset that she was with two guys two years ago (she didn't have sex with them as you also said she was a virgin until a few months ago), yet you had sex with two girls during the same time span and it's okay?

    And you're worried that if you string her along and initiate a "break" she'll do what she has every right to do if she's not with you?

    So, you're upset this girl won't bend over backwards and restrict her actions when you're not even willing to be with her?

    Break up with her, you're doing both her and yourself a disservice by continuing things.
    I didn't have sex with the other girls. I'm not going to go into details over what we did or did not do.

    I agree when you say she has every right do it, I guess its one of those harsh realities.

    I strongly disagree with your third point. I am not even willing to be with her? I do not want to sound narcissistic or take any credit away from her, but in these last four years, she has gone to college, almost fully overcome her anxiety, and really changed her lifestyle - a lot of this because I pushed her towards this, her family and friends aren't exactly supportive. I have put a lot of effort into this relationship and tried to make her happy for the last year. I am MORE than willing to be in a relationship with her! I WISH I wasn't in this position, trust me I'd love to have it work with her. Please do not assume/judge me. Read my initial post carefully before you make generalizations like this one. I never even said I was upset with her, my first sentence is the total opposite of that! Trust me I'd do anything to bring back some of the enthusiasm I've lost to be with her.
    snow124's Avatar
    snow124 Posts: 116, Reputation: 28
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Apr 5, 2009, 02:48 PM
    You said you were intimate with the girls, that generally means sex.

    Now that I feel things are "rocky" I am afraid to take a break or break up for a little while, because of the person she is when we are not together.
    You're hesitant to break up with her because you'd be upset about her seeing someone else when you're apart, and you'd expect her not to even though you'd just be stringing her along by taking a "break."

    It's obvious you still care about her, but it seems to be more of a misguided "I don't see this going anywhere but hate to think of you with someone else" than an "I don't question continuing to give my all to this woman" kind of concern.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Apr 5, 2009, 05:01 PM

    Listen you was with two others girl while the two of you was on a break and so was she. Regardless to the fact if neither of you had sex with the other people. Saying that the guys she kissed was random and your wasn't holds no weight at all. The two of you was broken up so get over it.

    Now if your debating whether if you want to be with her, after 3 years then maybe you shouldn't. And if you was unsure of this before she give her virginity up to you than you shouldn't even had sex with her.

    Then you bring up her aniexty issues but you said it is uncontrol now, so why bring it up.

    Then you go on to say, your unsure if you want to be with her or break-up with her but the main reason that is holding back is you don't want to see her with anyone else.

    You need to do this girl a favor and leave instead of dragging her along. Because after 3 years you should know and if you don't know by now, when will you?

    And don't get mad at the answers you receive because your getting answers base on what you wrote.
    ylaira's Avatar
    ylaira Posts: 1,193, Reputation: 118
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Apr 5, 2009, 05:20 PM
    Pardon me If I'm using the word "ISSUE" a lot here.


    First Issue: You both hooked up with other people after you broke up. You did it, she did it. Nobody cheated so you're even. If you can't get over what she did, then you also have a your own issues. Do you think you are her mighty guy and she should stay available for 8 yrs after breaking up with you? Deal it on your own. Issue close.

    Second Issue: No one can cure someone's personal issue, (like you feeling I'm the man, that are irreplaceable on her life) but him/herself. It is her problem and whatever you decide and do, things about her will always stay the same. Relationship is a union of two imperfect person. Be yourself and if she's not happy on what you are giving and you can't get over what she's done, say buh bye. No one's clingy, no one's distant. Issue close.

    Last Issue: Willingness to work things out must be coupled with forgiveness or I must say getting over things. If you are are having a hard time to get over on the things not considered as sin, end it instead of carrying this feeling against her. If you broke up and found your replacement, understand it. Cut all the contact so you won't know who it is. Move somewhere if you want. Issue close.

    Liz 28,I agree with everything you said. Only Gloria Gaynor is the one who sang I will survive not Aretha Franklin (unless she has her own version).
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,321, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #8

    Apr 6, 2009, 08:14 AM

    This is your decision to make, and she has nothing to do with what you decide.

    Man up, and either get over your own fears, and insecurities, and decide if your in, or out.

    Not making that choice will only make it worse for you both.

    That's not fair, and honest.
    dreamingartist's Avatar
    dreamingartist Posts: 104, Reputation: 54
    Junior Member
     
    #9

    Apr 6, 2009, 08:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by vw_krazy View Post
    I didn't have sex with the other girls. I'm not going to go into details over what we did or did not do.
    Well if I was describing what I did or didn't do, there would be 2 answers.

    1 would be "I kissed another girl"

    that is 100% straight forward.,. And basically is a kiss.. you can't have sex kissing.. you can still cheat by kissing, but it's a KISS.

    so if you say you didn't have sex, but not going into details.. that to me says we did more than kiss..
    and spin it however you want. A BJ / foreplay / etc is SEX. This isn't the whitehouse... :D

    now you don't have to disclose anything, But if all you did was kiss, please use the word KISS. So people can give you opinions based on kissing. Not on sex.

    if my XGF broke up with me and kissed another guy, it would be A lot easier for me to handle than for her to have a "intimate" moment where there were less clothes involved... even if it was naked twister with no sex.. its still the gravity of the situation that comes into play...

    I personally agree with everyone and say go no contact, break it off, and learn to deal with your own issues... you do know that 90% of all second, third relationships are with people who have had sex before with someone else... the older you get, the less virgins you will find... so if you feel like you can't keep someone's past out of a relationship then you'll have a tough time finding someone because like it was said above, everyone is imperfect. The longer you go, the more baggage you obtain, the more relationships you try... so you have to be willing to accept someone for who they are and "trust" that they want to be with you, not the 4 random guys they slept with in their college years...

    :D
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
    Ultra Member
     
    #10

    Apr 6, 2009, 08:59 AM

    Yes, you should go see a therapist about this. This is YOUR problem, not hers. You two broke up, which means you were not together.

    You are correct that who someone is in a relationship and who someone is without a relationship are just as important, but you can't think that she would sit at home and mourn the loss of you. I'm sure you're a great guy, but no one is worth missing out of life for.

    You need to end it so she can find someone who can give her all that she deserves and you simply cannot do that. Man up and do it or you will hurt you and her much more

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