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    I am having an affair with my ex who is the love of my life!

    Asked Oct 20, 2011, 10:56 AM 7 Answers
    Ok, here is my story. My ex, who I was with 14 years ago and who was the love of my life broke my heart. We were supposed to get married and he ended up running off with another woman. I never ever got over him. He did contact me about a year later when that relationship didn't work out and told me how sorry he was and wanted to see me. I saw him a few times and I was still in love with him but still had deep wounds and was too afraid of getting hurt again so I didn't let myself get too close to him.

    He ended up marrying someone else and not long after I also ended up marrying someone else. I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years, with him for over 10. He has been a really great husband and amazing father but he admitted to me a couple of years ago that he had been having an affair with his ex. I was devastated but he begged me to give him a second chance and I did not want to get divorced, especially because we had a child so I decided to stay. I do love my husband but I just cannot look at him the same as before. I will never trust him again.

    Meanwhile I have never gotten over my ex but I knew he was married and always tried to put him out of my mind. So anyway about a year ago I heard he was divorced, I found him on Facebook and send him a message just to say hi and see how he was doing. We started messaging each other then exchanged phone numbers and eventually arranged to meet up for drinks. Well, I ended up meeting him at his house and as soon as we saw each other sparks flew. We had some drinks and ended up sleeping together. I am very torn by all of this. I am still in love with him after all of these years, the sex is off the charts and now he keeps texting me wanting to see me. No one has ever made me feel the way he makes me feel and I can't stop thinking about him. I want him more than anything. I honestly do not even feel bad for cheating on my husband since he had the affair first and I am pretty sure it has never stopped and when I saw my ex it just felt so right, like he is the one I should have always been with.

    When I ask my ex why he left me in the first place, he just tells me he doesn't know, that he just got scared. Now my mind is going crazy because I would do anything to be back with my ex and start over. I don't love my husband anymore but I am not sure if my ex wants more than just sex at this point or not. He acts like he is crazy about me but I feel like I slept with him too soon and now it is all about the sex. He is texting me every day to come over. It has been about a week and I have been putting him off but I am supposed to go see him tonight. I am just so scared that I am going to end up getting my heart broken all over again by him.

    What should I do? As far as my marriage I am pretty much staying in it now because of the financial situation. It is just easier to stay and I do not want to put my daughter through a divorce but if my ex told me he wanted me back I would leave my husband in a heartbeat for him. I have never wanted anyone as much as I want him.

    Did I screw up my chance of getting my ex back because I slept with him already? Should I not have sex with him anymore or is it too late? I told him that I have never cheated on my husband except with him and that he is the only one I have ever wanted. I also told him that if I was just going to be a booty call to him that I am not interested because I do not want to get my heart broken again but he keeps pursuing me. Anyone else ever been in this situation?

    Last edited by talaniman; Oct 20, 2011 at 02:14 PM.
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    7 Answers
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3686
    Marriage Expert

    Oct 20, 2011, 11:47 AM

    I know you don't want to hear this and it will seem harsh, but you need to stop all contact with your ex. Trying to have any type of relationship with him is adding confusion to your life. That needs to stop now.

    You may not have feelings for your husband, but you do have a duty to him and your marriage. No rationalizations or excuses, you need to either work on your marriage or walk away.

    If you walk away, it should be because it is the best thing for you and your child. It should never be because you have the next person lined up and waiting. If you leave, you need to be on your own. You need to heal and let go of the past before you move forward and enter any new (or renewed) relationships.

    It sounds like you should have let your husband go a long time ago. I don't think you ever learned to trust him again and now you are using it as an excuse for your own bad behavior. Don't make excuses. Don't say that you are justified because he did x first. It damages your self-respect when you lower your expectations and Ideals for your own behavior to those of someone you have little respect for. If you don't respect him as your husband, respect yourself as an individual who knows that cheating and leaving one person for another is not a mentally or emotionally healthy way to live.

    If you want to be a good role model for your daughter, then show her that a strong woman can admit to making a mistake and take steps to fix it. Those steps may be divorce and building a life on her own without male help or influence. Those steps may include showing her how adults can remain good parents even if they aren't meant to be a couple. Those steps should not include how to leave one man to go straight to another one.

    It may be scary to think of being on your own, but do what you know is the right thing to do instead of making your life even more complicated and confused than it already is.
    Helpful (2)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,171, Reputation: 10821

    Oct 20, 2011, 02:41 PM
    So you have gone from being the victim of a lying cheater, to being one yourself, and have progressed even further by being a booty call to an blast from the past. None of that's good, as now you wonder if the blast from the past, will be worth leaving a marriage that you left emotionally long ago.

    Those drunken sparks are confusing like that (okay not drunken, but a little buzz sure went a long way, right?), and the thing is you probably deserve to be happy, BUT get a divorce first, and do it right and be open, and for gosh sakes talk to the guy because more than likely he likes the sex without the responsibility. I mean who in there right mind thinks that good amazing free sex, which you probably haven't had for a long time, equals love? What makes you think for a second that that you aren't in lust, just like he is?

    So yes, you are a booty call, so is he, just the lust and longing and glow of good sex has you in LALA land. And yes, you are a lying cheater, just like your husband. Do this right and forget the good sex, and get your home life together, and your own personal life in order. No way I see your blast from the past wanting you to get a divorce and be his responsibility, or be tied down by a booty call that left her husband.

    Your only value to him is to get it when he can, and go about his business. Don't believe me? Ask him for yourself. He is single, he can have all the free sex he wants and keep his freedom.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,966, Reputation: 7668

    Oct 20, 2011, 02:44 PM

    So now you can't look into a mirror and see yourself the same either (right?) since you are now going to be the cheater.

    Your husbands issues does not make it right to get even. If you want this other man, who has done you wrong before, then you divorce your husband for him,

    What you should do, is stop any contact with this ex, and work on a real relationship with your husband
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
    Ultra Member

    Oct 21, 2011, 03:51 AM
    Which ex are you worried about? Now.

    Don't be in the business of exes. Creating more.

    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Oct 21, 2011, 06:06 AM
    Your ex, is a known cheater, and you have experienced that first hand. It was a mistake to contact him via Facebook, knowing you still had unresolved feelings for him. That started this whole chain of events, that sees you mixed up, and wondering what to do.

    Your husband cheating on you, is no excuse to turn around and justify cheating on him.

    You had so many alternatives. You could have worked on your marriage- many confessed affairs, and the aftermath can be worked through with marriage counselling. You could have not contacted him at all. You could have stopped it at any time and put your husband and your child, first.

    But you are still wondering what to do, and your actions have involved far more than just sleeping with an ex. You have also betrayed another woman (his wife), and betrayed your husband, and set yourself up for a possible divorce (which may not be your choice when all this comes out- and it will). You could have had the sense you were born with to stop yourself, knowing that no good can come out of mixing it up with another man, breaking your own marriage vows, and screwing up two families. Does your ex also have children?

    Most likely, this ex of yours has a track record with more ex girlfriends than one can count. I hope you used protection. You know how that saying goes- without protection, you are also sleeping with everybody he's ever slept with- and some of them no doubt, carry STD's.

    Before you continue this dangerous game, think of the consequences. But then, had you done that, you never would have contacted him in the first place. I think you likely knew where the two of you would end up.

    Whether you stay, or whether you go, is of no consequence to me. There are many wives out there who's husbands have cheated with married women like you. I do however, feel very sorry for your husband who at hasn't got a clue what you are up to, and thinks that he was long ago forgiven for his affair.

    It' just sad that while you destroy yourself, you will also destroy your marriage, affect your child with untold grief, as well as your lover's wife, and his children if he has any.

    I honestly don't know if you can ever undo what you have chosen to do.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
    Ultra Member

    Oct 21, 2011, 06:22 AM
    The point is that you are in complete control
    Of your actions & consequences.

    No one else.

    Helpful (1)
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,001, Reputation: 553
    Ultra Member

    Oct 25, 2011, 06:51 PM
    I am going to give you some quick words. Stop having an affair, end a relationship if you no longer want it. Respect both your relationship, and the relationship of you ex. Third, payback has been made (are you satisfied now?) now go back to living your life as before and cut all contact with your ex.

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